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Chapter 1

It wasn't just me, there are lots of us, and they go out every night and the people applaud like its something amazing. And they clap and they clap, but it's not amazing, it's just what we do, what we have always done. Then the people go home and they talk about us in their cars and say which bits they thought was good and which bits they thought wasn't. Then they forget us because we are just an hour and a half in their long or short lives. But for us it is permanent, even when we gets old we stay part because we can't leave. Not even if we wanted too. We just wouldn't know how.
When I was younger and the teachers did teach me what they thought I needed too know, which wasn't much-because they knew I would (and could) never leave so I only needed to know the things that were there. My mama said they didn't teach you more because if I knew more then I could leave and they don't want to give me or any one else that option. But I think this is wrong because they can only teach what they know and if they don't know enough too leave either then they can't teach you enough too leave either see? So I did learn too cook pasta and rice and the meat that they did sometimes catch, and I did learn how to pack the tent away and how the seats all fitted in the big white van. But I did always day dream and the teachers did always say:
'You're not quite all there are you Liffle?'
And I would just smile because I didn't know what it meant,
'Well, there are no holes in me-apart from my nose and mouth'
Was my usual answer, and they would roll they're eyes and carry on repeating themselves to make what they knew seem bigger and more important than it actually was.
There are two people who are around the same age as me here and their names are Glory and Phillip (or at least we called him Phillip, he never told us his name-or anything else as he couldn't speak-or he just chose not too). Glory was all floaty and beautiful and I thought she was the most beautiful person in the world. And she had the personality too match; she was kind and polite and never said a bad word. She always smiled and acted cheery-but she was sad. Very sad. And I knew this but no one else did. Mama says I take after my papa because I can read people emotions and my papa did that too, so I asked her who my papa was and she said:
'Your Papa douse only exist in your heart and in your head'
Which is silly because you cannot make babies out of a heart and a head. You need a man and a woman to fall in love first, and then they do what they do and they end up with a baby. I know my mother is ashamed of me sometimes because I remind her of my Papa, I can tell when she looks at me sometimes. She is ashamed that they did what they do (when they might not have been in love) and ended up with me. But she knows it is not my fault and this makes her sad inside as it would be easier to blame me than too accept I am her fault and his. She douse not know I know this and she douse not want me too know this as she thinks it would make me sad too (but it doesn't), like her and like glory.
Glory is the ring master's daughter and she wears long floaty dresses like a princess and has ringletty hair that is white and all the boys like her because she has big boobs and long legs and a voice like a real angel, not the pretend ones in the bible but the real ones around you that you can only hear in the dead silence and stillness and that you don't hear through your ears but through your bones and you skin and your muscles, it is the type of music that shatters glass because the tinkling of it shimmering pieces hitting the floor adds to the steady beat, and all the different people in the world hear it differently. Out of Glory's mouth it was pure and had some sadness to it but it was all the more beautiful because of it. But it was sad because Glory was sad because she doesn't know who she is because she has always been nice and kind happy that she no longer knows the difference between herself and the happy mask she wears, she cannot tell any one her problems because she thinks her role is too help people with their problems and if she cannot deal with her own then she cant be capable as helping others with theirs and she feels that if she cannot help others than she has no use in life and might as well not exist. She douse not know I know this. And no one else douse know this. But that is the truth and that is it.