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had earlier given some sound advice to his new Milan team-mate. The former England captain declared: "It's not always about money. It's about playing for the best team, playing with the best players in the world and winning trophies and being successful."

That'd be the same David Beckham who left La Liga winners Real Madrid and snubbed a host of top European clubs to sign a five-year, £128m deal with that well-known footballing giant LA Galaxy, then.

Meanwhile, in the week that imminent release resurfaced, City striker Robinho did a bunk to Brazil from the club's training camp. Fans will be hoping it takes him less time to return to these shores than the Great Train Robber.

Another player who won't be coming to Eastlands is , the 'Moldovan international' who made No 30 in The Times' list of the world's hottest young players. The paper said of the 'starlet': "Moldova's finest, the 16-year-old attacker has been strongly linked with a move to Arsenal, work permit permitting. And he's been linked with plenty of other top clubs as well."

Turns out the paper was a victim of an elaborate internet hoax and the name of the non-existent player was apparently based on an old Irish children's story called by Padraig O Conaire, which translates as 'My Little Black Donkey' and, according to those in the know, 'works as a brilliant satire of the culture of football transfers'.

It seems Jose Mourinho was also the victim of a misunderstanding, following puzzling reports that he was . The Inter manager explained: "Last July the Daily Telegraph started their fantasy football league and paid me to take part.

Mourinho, current rank 112,013, added: "In my squad I put Jenas and others. Six months later the market reopens and it comes out I like these players. I like them, otherwise I wouldn't have put them in my squad, but that's a transfer market without rules."

In other words, Alan Hutton and Mark Noble can put down their Italian phrasebooks for the time being.

Jenas is currently out of favour with Spurs boss Harry Redknapp and it's a fair bet he'll have Darren Bent for company in the reserves quicker than you can say 'barn door banjo'.

Redknapp was positively seething after seeing the striker miss a sitter against Portsmouth, boosting Bent's fragile confidence by stating:

The former Charlton striker was on for Roman Pavyluchenko, who went off injured in the first half. Before the match it was revealed Redknapp had to go through an interpreter to explain to the Russian how to pick up Jermain Defoe's runs. Next week he'll be working on the phrase how not to pick up a knock on the ankle.

Staying with the wrong end of the Premier League and an outbreak of handbags betweenduring the Newcastle-Hull Cup replay saw both men banished to the stands, presumably to write out 1,000 lines saying 'I must act my age, not my shoe size'.

Before the 3-0 defeat at Blackburn, JFK revealed he had been offered "a very lucrative contract" to keep him at the club. Newcastle fans celebrated the news by chanting 'One Kevin Keegan' and 'Joe Kinnear - you're having a laugh'.

Last week's review was dominated by football folk and their vehicle mishaps, not least Cristiano Ronaldo's well-documented prang. The Manchester United star had another bit of car trouble when he received a parking ticket after deciding to leave his Bentley parked at a bus stop when he went for a spot of lunch with his family.

The traffic warden refused to confirm there was a sticker in the back window bearing the slogan 'My other car was a Ferarri'.

And finally, back to the story that has dominated the back pages all week. Has anyone seen that name-change advert where Bruce Willis asks: "Would Walter Willis have got to play the lead role in Diehard?" The Sun certainly wouldn't have got to use their 'Stabbed In The Kak' headline on Tuesday if Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite's little brother hadn't been able to pronounce his first name properly.

And the Shooting Stars fan who texted into Nicky Campbell's 5Live show would not have been able to make this genius observation: "Wouldn't it be great if Ulrika and Kaka got married?"

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