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Then there's the second one, when John Terry handles it. The assistant referee says it hit his shoulder but it's a clear penalty. He must have a shoulder that stretches down to his ankles in that case."
Coyle wonders whether John Terry is actually Inspector Gadget in disguise.
Inspector Gadget - a handy man to have in a crisis
"One-two, baby!"
Jenson Button does Austin Powers after leading McLaren team-mate Lewis Hamilton home in the Chinese Grand Prix.

Willie Thorne: "That's the sort of shot you play down at your local Conservative Club."
Dennis Taylor: "Or Labour Club, or Lib-Dem Club, Willie!"
Election fever grips the commentary team during the Ronnie O'Sullivan-Liang Wenbo match at Snooker's World Championship.

"For the first nine holes I thought I was playing with a square ball."
Sandy Lyle after his second round 86 at The Masters.

"He put youths who hadn't even trained with us before on the bench, along with
me. I was the nanny."
Ex-Rangers player Jerome Rothen claims Walter Smith turned him into the Mary Poppins of the squad.

"They suddenly had a new owner who was supposed to be one of the richest men
in the world and it was 'Oh, we're going to be up there challenging with Man
City'. Then all of a sudden, when he was buying hamburgers off the stall outside,
they thought maybe he wasn't as rich as they first thought."
Harry Redknapp on Sulaiman Al Fahim and the day Portsmouth fans knew they'd had their chips.

"Trust me, we'll have a response at Birmingham. I'd rather be a lion for a day
than a sheep for the rest of the season, for sure."
Hull's football management consultant Iain Dowie dispels the myth that he's a lamb dressed as mutton.

"I don't think they are going to rush out and buy the Financial Times."
Birmingham manager Alex McLeish doubts his players will be bothered by a dispute between club owner Carson Yeung and investment bank Seymour Pierce.

"Next year, I won't bring my watch - in case they steal that as well."
Valencia goalkeeper Cesar after the officials failed to award his side a late penalty as they crashed out of the Europa League to Atlético Madrid.

"I am fresh, I don't feel any pain in my body, I can run. At home I do all the housework by myself. I paint the walls and fit tiles."
Seventy seven-year-old defender Onica Ndzovela insists she will be fit to play for South Africa's 'Grannies' side at this summer's Veterans Cup.

David Pleat: "I know Modric's dentist. And his dentist thinks he's a super, super guy."
Commentator 2: "You can tell a lot about someone from dental records."
Pleat: "Absolutely!"
One of the most bizarre pieces of commentary I've ever heard from the Spurs-Chelsea match!
(R Newton, Notts)
""You've heard my views on Modric, what have you got to say?
"Third-bottom Killie have scored just four times - the lowest in Britain - and failed to win in only two of their 16 games away from Rugby Park."
Spotted on the Ö÷²¥´óÐã website. Four goals scored, 14 wins. That's some record!
(Blair Gray, Scotland)

"Cardiff have been given a 5 May deadline to pay their £1.9 tax bill or face being wound-up in the High Court."
From the Ö÷²¥´óÐã Gossip column. They really should be able to scrape this from down the back of the sofa!
(Iain Green, England)

"The way that N'Zogbia hit that shot, Fabianski must have thought it was his birthday. Oh, hold on, it is his birthday!"
5 live commentator while watching Wigan v Arsenal.
(Dwayne Leverock, England)

"I expect Manchester to win."
Cristiano Ronaldo's Sky Sports exclusive Manchester derby preview.
(Jonny Smith and Sean Price, Belfast)

Commentator 1: "Almost WWF there, wasn't it?"
Commentator 2: "What's that got to do with the wildlife?"
Commentary during the Liverpool-Benfica game, after there was a tussle in the box. The World Wrestling Federation had to change their name to WWE, following a court battle with the World Wide Fund for Nature.
(CK)

"He'll find himself on Soccer AM next week, that's for sure."
Ashley Williams after Swansea team-mate Shefki Kuqi missed an open goal against Barnsley.

"On this occasion, two halves do make a whole."
Commentary when Spurs' second penalty shout was given against Chelsea. When do two halves NOT make a whole?
(Libby Curran, USA)

"And Bale slides the ball inside Cech,"
John Motson's commentary on Spurs v Chelsea. Sounds painful to me!
(Rich C, Weston-super-Mare)

"Derek Jeter's Derek Jeter for a reason."
ESPN commentator at New York Yankees v Tampa Bay Devil Rays, after a great play by Jeter. Maybe it's because his parents gave him that name!
(Derek Steed)

"The Arsenal defence just parted like the Sea of Galilee".
Mark Lawrenson from a couple of weeks ago, commentating on Irish TV during the Barcelona game. Think it was the Red Sea Moses parted, Mark!
(Darren Bayliss, Ireland)

"They munched on a lamb. I'd have liked us to be lions, but unfortunately we had a bit of mint sauce on ourselves."
Ian Holloway on Blackpool's defeat to Newcastle.
(Anthony Ko, UK)

"How on earth has that happened?"
ITV commentator Peter Drury on Portsmouth's FA cup win over Spurs.
(Gary Sangha, UK)

"Chandelier football."
Ray Hudson, GolTV co-commentator after El Clasico.
(ppppenguin)
Two men who know all about chandeliers
"Mickelson makes his short one, he stays two ahead. Little tip of the hat and that sheepish grin, as if he's a handsome delivery boy who's just caught the eye of a country governess."
From the incomparable Ben Dirs' text commentary of the final round of the Masters. Absolutely masterful.
(Fun_n_Games)

Q: "When you go to bed, do you spread your limbs to form a star?"
Arshavin: "No, I don't. Because I sleep with my wife."
(BennyHillario)

Q. "Hi Andrey! I just wanted to ask, if your daughter decided that her dream was to play professional football, would you encourage/support her in this?"

Arshavin: "I hope it will never happen."
(mightywarrywarry)

Q: "Dear Andrey Arshavin, I want to say that you are the one who revived Russian football! Who of the legendary footballers can you compare yourself with?"
Arshavin: "Andrey Arshavin is one of a kind."
(Belltista)

Q: "I am 25-years-old and I'm still not married. My parents are very upset about this. They say I can end up a spinster. But I don't want to get married yet. What shall I do?"
Arshavin: "I think I can help you. Step 1: You need to find a scruffy, heavy drinker. Step 2: Once you've found him, try to persuade him to "marry" you. I think that for a small amount of money, he will agree to fulfil the role of your fiancé. :)

"Final: Bring this guy home. Tell your parents he'll live with you. :)
I think next time they will think better before forcing their opinion on you."
(simon lobb)

"Que sera sera,
Wherever we'll be, we'll be
We're going to Wem-berlee.
Que sera sera."
Portsmouth fans after seeing their team beat Spurs in the FA Cup semi-final....at Wembley.

"We're not going on a European Tour."
Portsmouth fans again - Pompey have qualified for Europe by reaching the FA Cup final, but are not allowed to play.
(theonlypompeyfaninleeds)

"Adebayor, Adebayor - he scores more than Berbatov, who cost a lot more."

Quickly followed by....

"Adebayor, Adebayor, but when we sign Torres he's out of the door."
Manchester City fans.
(swales_out)

"We'll love Glazer if he signs Messi!"
Green and gold-clad Manchester United fans away at Blackburn.
(Leo Hutchings, England)

"Lee Barnard, Barnard,
He's short but he's (jolly) hard,
He's better than Frank Lampard,
Lee, Barnard, Barnard."
Southampton fans salute their hero.

"Jose Fonte, baby
Jose Fonte, wo-oh-oh-oh!"
Southampton fans again, to the tune of Don't You Want Me by the Human League.
(badsaladman)

"It's just like watching The Bill!"

And...

"Where's your Sun Hill gone?"
Worthing fans in their 2-1 win against Metropolitan Police.
(Brad, Southampton)
It's just like watching The Bill
"Next goal wins, next goal wins, next goal wins!"
Burnley fans to bemused Man City supporters as they trailed 6-0.

"6 nil and you messed it up!"
Straight after Burnley got a consolation.

"This pitch is dangerous!"
Clarets fans try to get the game called off following a monsoon at half-time.
(Matt)

"Offside, offside!"
When a pigeon walked behind the defenders at St Mary's.
(Saint_Anger)

"So, So, So... Sotorious!"
Liverpool fans to defender Kyrgiakos' - to the tune of P Diddy's song 'Notorious'.
(Torresflu)

"Zola, Zola, give us a wave!"
West Ham fans...ignored by their manager Gianfranco Zola.

"Brucie, Brucie give us a wave!"
Shake of the head from Steve Bruce.

"Someone, someone give us a wave!"
West Ham fans get desperate and half the West Stand wave back!
(chrishammer)

"You're not scary any more!"
Yeovil fans to Millwall.
(theyeovilkid)

"You're just a (poor)Aaron Lennon!"
Spurs fans to Theo Walcott.
(Theo, London)

"The badge on the front is bigger than the name on the back."
Held up by Celtic fan at Celtic v Motherwell.
(iainmonty)

"Rossi wins as Stoner crashes out."
From the Ö÷²¥´óÐã website. For as long as Casey Stoner is in the sport, the Moto GP page is always going to be worth the occasional giggle.
(AtillaThe Cat)

Please add any quotes, chants, stadium announcements etc to the bottom of this blog - or by using the old-school