Quotes of the week
"As I have said time and time again, the only thing that determines my staying here is my health and unfortunately for you lot (the media), I'm in rude health! So you'll be left to suffer me for many more years. You'll be gone before I'm gone, don't you worry!"
Sir Alex Ferguson denies claims that he is retiring any time soon.
"The way they are, tomorrow we will probably read I am to blame for the volcano. Maybe I have a friend in the volcano and I am responsible for that."
Jose Mourinho erupts after Barcelona express their disappointment at decisions in the first leg of their Champions League semi-final.
"He needs to show that he has understood how to play football and that he should leave the pitch dead. Of course he's not going home dead because he didn't run much."
Mourinho on his petulant young striker Mario Balotelli, booed by Inter fans after coming on as a sub and hardly breaking sweat.
"Rather than watching the game tomorrow, it'd be better to go to the cinema. I don't know what's on. There are fantastic films on, maybe I will go and watch Clash of the Titans."
Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti on his plans to avoid the Man Utd-Spurs game. He eventually decided to watch the Magnificent Seven at Stamford Bridge instead.
"I walked in the park when United played (Spurs). Maybe Sir Alex Ferguson went to see a movie when we played (Stoke)."
Ancelotti following the 7-0 walk in the park against Stoke.
"I saw the defender on my left shoulder and I've just Cruyff-ed him and got a yard and put it in the corner."
Billy McKay after scoring for Northampton against Shrewsbury. 
Johann prepares to Cruyff another opponent
"It will be my first best-of-25-frame match for four years but it's spread over three days so that's not too debilitating. It means I can get my Zimmer frame out and keep going back to the hotel room for a rest."
Steve Davis, ahead of his epic match with John Higgins at the World Snooker Championship.
"If you get to 9-7...you start seeing alarm bells then."
John Parrott sees sounds (and possibly hears colours) during the Ronnie O'Sullivan-Liang Wenbo match.
"I don't care whether he's the England captain or not - he has to go."
5 live's Graham Taylor after John Terry (not the England captain) was sent off against Spurs.
"That is it for the German porn star look, I'm afraid. It's gone for good because my missus just wasn't happy about it. She said she struggled to kiss me, even though she helped me dye the moustache in the first place. But I'll be keeping the mullet, even though I get loads of stick."
Coventry midfielder Aron Gunnarsson on the decision to shave off his dodgy lip caterpillar.
"It's hard to motivate yourself at this stage of the season, let alone the players. I had an extra glass of wine the night before the match, an extra fried egg. You do things you don't normally do."
Neil Warnock goes crazy ahead of QPR's game at Barnsley.
"It is a fantastic achievement. It's like swimming the Channel, doing the Tour De France and then climbing Everest."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins refuses to exaggerate his side's achievement of securing Championship safety.
"I didn't go to the hairdresser this week when I was meant to do and maybe it
was a good job I didn't."
Thomas Muller after claiming the slightest contact on Bayern Munich's Champions League semi-final first leg winner against Lyon.
"I don't know why Glenn Murray took the penalty. I suppose because he is our penalty taker."
Brighton boss Gus Poyet after Murray's miss from the spot against Gillingham.
"To know that I've tested positive as a result of a product that I used for
personal reasons is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around."
World and Olympic 400m champion LaShawn Merritt admits he used an over-the-counter male enhancement product.
AND SOME FROM YOU
"Rub that volcano dust out your eyes, lino!"
Hednesford fan at Stourbridge game in the Zamaretto League, following the linesman's decision not to give a goal that had clearly bounced over the line.
(Thomas Kay, UK)
"It's all about the length and this one doesn't look hard enough to me."
John Virgo commentating on John Higgins v Steve Davis after a Davis safety shot.
(Thomas Walker, Scotland)
Spot the ball
"Oh no! He's hit the beans on toast!"
Another Cockney classic from Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday as Jimmy Bullard's penalty against Sunderland hits the upright.
(Jonny Madill, Belfast)
"Nani has been phenomenal. Amazing talent and will only get better. Best winger in Premiership by far, with Valencia a close second."
Comment by "The Man From Wilmslow" on 606. How can he be the best by far with someone a close second?!
(George U, Bristol)
"They were far the better team, we were lucky to get nil. We had our pants pulled down and our backsides slapped."
Tony Pulis on Stoke's humiliating 7-0 defeat by Chelsea.
(Anthony Ko, UK)
"I've never seen that happen before. I've seen it once or twice."
Pat Nevin on 5 live during Man Utd-Tottenham, when Nani was sick.
(Jimbo, UK)
1st commentator: "That's just rubbing salt into the noses."
2nd commentator: "Isn't it rubbing noses into the salt?"
1st commentator: "Actually, I think it's rubbing salt into the wounds!"
Heard on Ö÷²¥´óÐã radio Humberside during Bradford Bulls v Hull KR.
(Chris Emery, England)
"In football, you have to keep focused for 90 minutes - especially against a team that has nothing to lose and is fighting to stay up like Wigan were today."
Arsene Wenger. Nothing to lose but still fighting for survival, eh?
(Milan Conkic, Serbia)
"I am still a baby as a manager and I am going to try to become a child next season. I will have to grow up."
West Brom manager Roberto Di Matteo in a newspaper interview.
"There are some of the best players in the world in the Premier League and certainly some of the best managers in the world, and don't forget there is also the Wolves and Mick McCarthy."
Another comment from Di Matteo.
(Garland, England)
"He pulled at one of our players' undercarriage and he bit others. This sounds more like the kind of treatment players get from female shop-assistants in nightclubs at the weekend than from opposing players on a matchday."
Aalesund manager Kjetil Rekdal after one of his players was allegedly bitten by Rosenborg's Anthony Annan in the Norwegian league. I wish I got this kind of treatment by females in nightclubs!
(Matt, Canada)
"We had 66% more corners than them"
Hull's Iain Dowie analyses the game with Aston Villa, where they had 11 corners to Villa's nine. Nice maths there, Iain!
(Greg, UK)
"And with us in the studio, the only Spurs player going to the FA Cup Final - Jamie O'Hara."
Sky's Richard Keys at the Portsmouth-Aston Villa match. O'Hara is on-loan at Pompey from Spurs.
(John Millard, England)
"No wonder this fullback scores this many goals. He gets himself into positions. Even when it's awkward, and it is awkward, 'cos it came at him awkwardly."
Andy Gray thought Maicon's goal was a bit awkward.
(Libby Curran, USA)
"The ball eventually comes to Pedro on the other side, and his overhead kick goes straight down Julio Cesar's throat."
From Caroline 'Cheesy' Cheese's live text commentary on Inter v Barca. That must have hurt!
(Luke D, England)
"He steals half a couple of inches."
Ö÷²¥´óÐã Oxford commentary as Adam Chapman prepares to take a free-kick in Oxford's 1-0 win against Wrexham.
(Ben Newcombe, UK)
Ribery knows how to win ugly
"However you look at it, that really was the ugly face of football from Franck Ribery."
Ö÷²¥´óÐã's very own Stevo with a bit of magic to brighten up a dull Wednesday evening.
(Sam Robinson, Wirral)
"You've gotta be careful when you're boxing away from home. You've gotta throw caution to the wind."
Carl Froch, directly after losing his WBC super-middleweight title to Mikkel Kessler.
(ThatSingingGuy)
Q: "Dear Andrey, I have an unusual question for you. I want to marry a football player in the future (they have great legs), I am a boxer. Do you think we'll manage to find common language?"
Arshavin: "This will be a dangerous mix. I think that your son will become be a kick-boxer."
Another gem from the Andrey Arshavin website.
(Mark, England)
CHANTS OF THE WEEK
"Super Luka, nuts are we
We're all Luka Loopy!"
Spurs salute Luka Modric, to the tune of Chas 'n' Dave's Snooker Loopy.
And...
"Danny, Danny Rose. Danny, Danny Rose."
Spurs fans to the tune of Boney M's Daddy Cool.
(Matt, UK)
"Happy birthday to you,
"Happy birthday to you,
"Happy birthday dear Bury,
"Happy birthday to you!"
Bury fans singing at Lincoln, celebrating the club's 125th birthday.
(Sam, England)
"We're once, twice, three times the champions and I lo-o-o-ve you!"
Hetton Lyons CC beating Magnet Tavern, winning their 3rd FA Sunday Cup at Anfield.
(Umar Ahmed, England)
"Whoaaaahh-oh, Drury's on fire!"
Tonbridge Baseball Club fans to batter Shaun Drury after he hit five from five in a remarkable turn of form, to the tune of Sex on Fire.
(Steven, England)
"Sean Thornton, Thornton.
He likes to go on the lash,
He's better than Fabregas.
Sean Thornton, Thornton."
Leyton Orient fans to playmaker Sean Thornton.
(Danny, England)
"United! United!"
Blackpool fans at Peterborough when news filtered through that Sheffield United had gone 1-0 up against play-off rivals Swansea... the Peterborough United supporters looked a tad bemused!
The future's bright - but is it tangerine?
"We're going to Liverpool, you're going to Hartlepool."
Blackpool fans taunt the Posh.
(Dan Raistrick, Blackpool)
"Incey's on the golf course! Incey's on the golf course! La La La La!"
MK Dons fans sing about their former manager at Elland Road.
(Matt, England)
"Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be, we're going to St Mary's!"
Bournemouth fans after gaining promotion to League One, where they will be playing south coast rivals Southampton.
(Woody, England)
"You might be going up, but our tannoy's been on the Beeb!!"
Radcliffe Borough fans against promoted Lancaster City. The tannoy announcer for the Boro has appeared a few times in Quotes of the Week!
(James Heyes, England)
"Going up and we've paid our bills!"
Rochdale fans to Notts County at the game between the newly-promoted League Two sides.
(Slim Cyril, UK)
"Oh Ledley, Ledley,
He's only got one knee,
He's faster than John Terry,
Oh Ledley, Ledley."
Tottenham fans pay tribute to Ledley King.
(JONSPURS, UK)
"We've got a bigger pier than you!
Southend fans against Brighton (and anytime we play other seaside opposition).
(James Rigby)
STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE WEEK
"As the scores stand, Swansea would drop out of the play-off places, what a shame, eh?"
Stadium announcer at Cardiff, after announcing Blackpool were 1-0 up and Swansea were 1-0 down.
(Lewis Derry, Cardiff)
BANNER OF THE WEEK
"Love Glazer, Hate United."
City fans at the Manchester derby.
(Thruthickthruthin)
Add any chants or quotes you've heard by adding them to the bottom of this page or by using .
I am a journalist with Ö÷²¥´óÐã Sport, dealing with the more offbeat stories doing the rounds. I am a QPR fan - and also quite fond of football. If our new-found wealth brings success I'll be happy to tell anyone exactly where I was when we were sh... rubbish - row J seat 139. .
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