Bridge of Allan
Last night I caught a train from Glasgow to Bridge of Allan and narrowly avoided a fist fight with a fellow passenger. It was all my fault, really. I shouldn't have travelled in the evening rush-hour because it's standing room only on that train. And the kind of standing where three people can read the same copy of the Daily Record P.M. without any one of them actually holding it. Spooky.
But I got annoyed because there was a bloke hovering over two seats like a constipated gymnast
"I've saving this for my mate." he explained, but only after I had hovered over him for thirty seconds with a frown so intense it was making my face ache.
"Oh, and this mate of yours, " I sneered (happy to have moved on from frowning) "is his arrival imminent?"
"Aye he's right behind you. Archie here's your seat mate."
I turned to look at Archie and was suddenly reminded of that guy you used to see on the porridge boxes. He had the same white vest, but with tatoos too.
"Well, that all right then, " I said, shuffling alone the carriage so I could get a closer look at emergency exit instructions.
Forty-five minutes later I was climbing the steps out of Bridge of Allan train station and pulling my trolley-case along Henderson Street in search of the Royal Hotel. A pity, because I actually have two "friends" who live in the town, but when I called to say I was coming they mentioned something about leaving the country with no forwarding address. Well, that's one less Christmas card.
So I tried to form an impression of Bridge of Allan based on what I could make out in the darkness. Some bits seemed posh , like the fancy deli and pavement cafe. But then you'd come across a bog standard laundrette or a huge queue for the chip shop. Mainly I got the sense of a charming Victorian spa town where the architecture was marred by some unsympathetic modern buildings - mostly banks.
But it was in the chippie that I found a leaflet and discovered that the Romans had been here long before me. (They must have got that earlier train) And one soldier had actually dropped his loose change while trying to cross the river on foot.
Well that's the official version. For all we know he dropped that cash while being mugged.
Probably by a guy called Archie.
