It Takes The Biscuit
I've decided to lift the lid on the Ö÷²¥´óÐã's expenses policy and expose a culture of drinking that is endemic throughout the Corporation. I'm aware that my revelations will divert public attention from that whole but those hapless Members of Parliament need a break. I'm sure you agree.
Let's take the Ö÷²¥´óÐã's expenses policy. When I joined the Beeb way back in 1993, the list of acceptable perks was a lot more generous than it is today. My memory is hazy but I think every employee was entitled to a chauffer-driven Mini Metro and sedan chairs were provided to get you from one office to another. That, of course, was before the Freedom of Information Act and we had a Gentleman's Agreement with the tabloid press; they kept quiet about our wine cellars and we said nothing about their beer bellies.
But now, as I step out of the realm of historic fantasy, things are very different. This struck me most forcibly when, a few weeks ago, a London-based colleague arrived to give a presentation in one of the glass-walled meeting rooms at Pacific Quay. As I helped her set up the flip-chart she asked, in apparent innocence, if I had ordered tea, coffee and biscuits for everyone taking part in the session.
I stared at her blankly and was suddenly aware of all those watching eyes in the open-plan office space outside the room.
"But you know we're not allowed to do that," I told her, "are you trying to get me into trouble? Is this some sort of trap?"
She backed away from me pretty quickly but I followed her around the room citing chapter and verse of the new Ö÷²¥´óÐã expenses policy which now forbids us from providing any kind of snack or refreshment for fellow staff -members. There's a whole section on custard creams alone.
"You're allowed tap-water," I told her, "but only if you have your own jug."
Apparently these new rules had been communicated clearly throughout Ö÷²¥´óÐã Scotland but, down at White City, they must have missed the e-mail.
"Ignorance is no excuse, "I ranted, playing to any hidden cameras, "and long live the Director General!"
But I am sorry to report that the 'Ö÷²¥´óÐã Beverage Bonanza' (as the will call it) extends north of Hadrian's Wall. True, staff in Glasgow must cough up forty-five pence of their own cash to buy a cuppa in the canteen but in Edinburgh and Inverness (where there is no canteen) luxury kettles have been provided. They have little blue lights, automatic cut-off switches and are funded directly from your licence fee.
Taking my lead from the Telegraph I have decided to eke out further scandals in coming blog entries. So tomorrow: the free soup shocker in Aberdeen!
Unless I think of something else to expose.
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