Poisoning Pudsey After Dark
I've been dumped by Pudsey! Can you believe it? I was all set to take part in tonight's Staff Talent Show at Pacific Quay but now - just hours before curtain-up - I've been told that I'm "no longer required". Apparently they have just too many younger folk willing to show-off and pretend it's all about raising money for Children in Need. Who are they kidding? They're all hoping this will be their big break. Hoping they'll be spotted by an eagle-eyed TV producer. Hoping they'll be offered their own show within a week.
At least, that's what I was hoping.
Of course last week, when Ö÷²¥´óÐã Scotland's Head of Drama sent me a flattering e-mail asking me to take part, I feigned reluctance for a good few minutes before finally caving in. I like to play hard to get, but not too hard to get. Easy to get, in fact.
Then I spent the odd hour or twelve practising my act, refining my script, tweaking my jokes and - most of all - rehearsing my song.
Oh yes, It was all set to be one of those Susan Boyle moments. A slightly overweight Scottish person with unconventinal good looks would take to the stage, bewilder the judges with some left-field remarks and then astonish the audience with a singing voice that no one was really expecting.
I had been working on a special version of the Tom Lehrer classic 'Poisoning Pigeons in the Park' only I was going to replace the word 'pigeons' with "Pudseys". Topical, you see. Topical and ever so slightly tasteless. Edgy stuff. I even had a little dance to go with it. Nothing fancy, just a few body-pops. I had ruled out belly-dancing in case I took someone's eye out.
But now that song and dance routine will never see the light of day.
I'm not bitter. It's all about what's best for the charity, after all. Tonight I plan to bake some special Pudsey cakes and sell them to my colleagues tomorrow.
Hope no one notices the funny taste.
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