主播大秀

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. More servicemen and women in the British armed forces have taken their own lives (697) over the past two decades than have been killed in combat (438) according to the Ministry of Defence.

2. Serving anything more than tea and biscuits at a political meeting is an offence called "treating" and punishable by a year in prison or an unlimited fine, under the the Representation of the People Act 1893.

3. There are four Knight Rider cars, one of which is in a museum in Cumbria.
More details

4. The record-breaking TGV train, which reached 584km/h, took 10 miles to stop when the brakes were fully applied in test runs.

5. Human ashes are called cremains.

6. "Lunatics, idiots, deaf and dumb" people are barred from standing for election under laws dating from 1766 which still apply.

7. Keith Richards has been trepanned.

8. It is cheaper to ship waste from London to Shenzen in China than it is to send it by road from London to Manchester.

9. There is mobile phone reception from the summit of Mount Everest.

10. Prisoners of war returning from Vietnam were told by the US government that the word "whatever" had become a common form of slang while they were away, to imply boredom.

Sources: 1: Independent on Sunday; 4: Times, 4 April; 7: New Musical Express, 5 April; 8: Guardian, 31 March.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Jenny Hulme of Vossem-Tervuren, Belgium, for this week's picture of 10 cats. Thanks also to Lester Mak from London for sending thing number nine.

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Reader comments (yes, like this one) are the WORST thing about the internet. Who in their right mind gives a fraction of a damn about what Darren from Norwich thinks about ? 主播大秀, you are charged with reporting the news. If I want the worthless opinion of some drivelling simpleton I'll find one on any street corner. And yes, I am still aware of the irony of saying all this on a comments form, so you won't need to point it out. Dead Ringers got it about right when they did "主播大秀 News - A man from somewhere says 'I agree'... A woman from somewhere else says 'I disagree'". That's about the size of it, wouldn't you say? And before you make the "license fee payers need to be represented" argument, I am a license fee payer and I want you to stop allowing any reader comments. Represent THAT. A reader who's tired of drivel.
A reader, London, UK

Regrading . The best lift ever is the great glass elavator in my chocolate factory.
W. Wonka, London

Is there an award for most confusing punctuation in a headline? I nominate " 'best children's TV voice'"
Bruce, London, UK

In regards to Vicky's letter, the answer is simple: The 'Easter Caption Competition' (and all related pictures) are Easter-like by virtue of them being published in a period most closely associated with the event of Easter. If you wish to be more pedantic (which I am sure many of you will do), it may more accurately be called the 'Lent Caption Competition', but let's not quibble over details, eh? Merry Christmas to all.
Ben Hill, Cardiff, Wales

With all the pedants submissions will that mean that "their" Easter egg will be of the hen variety(as in boiled)? As surely it is in pedantic thinking a "choccie" one is a chocolate imititation. Mines still a Mars Bar one, yum yum.
Tim McMahon, Wales

It's hard enough keeping up with familiar standards of measurement such as London Buses, Olympic swimming pools and Wales. So when you say that the TGV went "almost as fast as a World War II at top speed" you are leaving in the dark those of us who do not often see Spitfires flying by.
Ian, Marseille, France

Can anyone explain why the first things that go in a supermarket trolley are squidgy vegetables and the last things are heavy bottles. Wouldn't it make more sense if it was the other way round?
Ben Lenthall, France

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The world would have stopped turning if it had been any different, but it is just as expected - the Telegraph has gone Easter crazy. Yes, we are truly spoilt. We have a green masthead with a daffodil at one end and an oh-so-cute bunny at the other. Inside there's an Easter quiz and 101 things to do over the holiday weekend.

Only criticism is about the shade of green used for the masthead, bit too minty and not grassy enough. It may sound as if Paper Monitor is being overly fussy, but standards must be maintained - especially in Telegraph Towers.

Saying that, the paper gets top marks for effort. One of only two other papers to mention Easter on their front page is the Sun. It invites readers to win "Keeley's Easter treasure chest". It's not obvious what it's all about as the picture accompanying those words is the afore-mentioned young lady in a bikini. Turn to pages 12 and 13 and all will be revealed - a nationwide Easter egg hunt. Thank God, Paper Monitor was getting ready to swiftly avert the eyes.

Easter aisde, the Middle East still dominates the papers. Most front pages juxtapose the joy of the freed Navy personnel with the death of four British troops in Iraq. The Independent sums it up in its headline: "The free and the fallen."

But now the 14 sailors - held for nearly two weeks in Iran - are safely back in the UK the papers gets really stuck into the story. If you're the Daily Mail that means getting stuck into the former captives.

"We're they just too co-operative?" it asks, saying former senior commanders think they should have been more dignified and called their behaviour "a bloody shambles". Mail columist Max Hastings adds his voice to the debate, criticising their "cring-making antics". Anyway, welcome home .

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In Thursday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked what item was NOT among the glut of merchandise Labour MP Hazel Blears has launched as part of her deputy leadership campaign. The answer, as 26% of you correctly identified, is beer mat. Most of you - 47% - opted for a hoodie. Today's DMQ is on the .

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I noticed the headline - surely I shouldn't have noticed it because botox is meant to hide headlines.
Judy Cabbages, Peebles, Scotland

I apologise for being rather behind on the use of "". No one seems to have pointed out that those who speak Estuary English or one of its variants (a substantial proportion of those who use the expression) would employ a glottal stop to the letter 't' so that the term should more accurately be written as "wha' evah". [My keyboard cannot cope with the conventional notation for an allophone 't']. Regards Andrew
Andrew Cullum, London

I've looked at the picture for the annual Easter caption comp for nearly 40 minutes now, and I'm stumped. Apart from the woman with an ostrich egg stuffed down her leggings what is remotely Easter-ish about the picture?
Vicky, East London

Very acute James Hayward, but allow for Dr Paisley's age. He probably has arthritis
Ed, London

Regarding Dan Abrey's letter, "ATL" is not an acronym. An acronym is a pronounceable name made from the initials of words, such as NATO. Unless ATL is pronounced "attle", it cannot be described as an acronym.
Which Tyler, Pedant Central

Bob Peters wonders why the "home of the Chinese family who defied property developers" is called the "nail house". It may be an allusion to a proverbial saying about the danger of setting oneself apart: something along the lines of "the nail that stands up will be hammered down". "Nail house" captures the essence of the proverb -- the family are willing to "stand up". It also accurately foretells the outcome.
Anne Furlong, London

I have been looking in vain for the important information I need following to opening of the new Wembley Stadium. Is it the same size as the old one? Or do we need to apply a conversion factor when calculating how many of something fill Wembley stadium n times?
Vay, Dursley, Gloucestershire

For some reason, a href="/blogs/magazinemonitor/2007/04/your_letters_154.shtml">Lee Pike's letter of yesterday has just made me chuckle mid sip of tea, thereby causing that terrible side-effect of snorting tea out of my nose. The trials and tribulations of monitorphilia.
Sarah, Edinburgh

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It's time for the winning entries in our Easter caption comp.

This week, it was the "clown army" who joined a blockade at Faslane Nuclear Base in Scotland. Protesters have been camped outside the site for over a year. But what was said?

1. JB
Sponsors of the "keeping a straight face competition" were desperate to break the deadlock of the two finalists.

2. Sam Hutchinson
Officer on the left to his colleague: "I don't think much of the new CSO uniform."

3. Simon Rooke
"'Reach out to the community', they said. 'Empathise', they said. Have you got the pepper spray or should be just baton charge?"

4. Michael Williamson
"Aren't you the guys who arrested me when I was in Father's For Justice?"

5. Jip Foster
Police keep an eye on the media circus at Faslane.

6. Richard Lowery
Locals mock protesters dressed as police officers.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The front pages have gone hostage-tastic and, with the story suddenly turning on a happier note, the pressure is on to see which paper can reflect this best. The Sun turns in an exemplary performance. "I went to Iran and all I got was this lousy suit" runs its headline, over a picture of the waving captives, each sporting an in Iranian-issue whistle.

What the Telegraph can't offer in irreverent wit it more than makes up for in sheer square-footage of coverage 鈥� devoting its first eight (broadsheet) pages to the story鈥� and that's before you get to the comment section.

The likes of the Guardian and Times look thoroughly unpatriotic by comparison. And the Independent? Are you in playful mood? Those clever subs at the Indy are playing games again 鈥� offering a reversible front page which neatly illustrates how both the Iranian and British governments are claiming the outcome as a victory.

On to more trivial matters, and Paper Monitor's loyalties on the diary front are being tested again, with the reappearance of Celia Walden in the Telegraph Spy slot鈥� those bootlace-thin shoulder straps in place as ever. Was Ms Walden wearing a negligee for her by-line picture, Paper Monitor wonders?

It's all a little incongruous though. Ms Walden looks nothing like a spy as we might imagine one to look, rather a sort of scrumptious Sloane, who might be called Pandora. But that鈥檚 the name of the (faceless) Independent's diary.

No matter. The monicker alone is enough to revive an Adrian Mole-inspired schoolboy crush. Now where did those red socks get to?

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In Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked what is inscribed in gold on Prince Charles's loo seat at Highgrove. The answer, as nearly half of you correctly identified, is The Throne. Today's DMQ is on the .

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Regarding Ian Paisley and Bertie Ahern in public for the first time. There's something about this handshake, historic as it is, that makes me think Paisley's heart is completely behind it.
James Hayward, Eindhoven, The Netherlands
(If you haven't already guessed Paisley's hand is on the left.)

I'd beg to differ that is the best conversation killer. I find "have you welcomed the Lord Jesus Christ into your life" works a lot better.
Sue, London

I don't know what y'all have been listening too, but down here, 'whatever' is pronounced more like "what-evAH", and seeing it written just sounds horribly, horribly wrong. Mind you, doesn't sound so great any way y'say it...
Comrade Ian, Cardiff

I was puzzled by the article about the of the Chinese family who defied property developers. The house was referred to as "the nail house" because it "refused to be hammered down". So a nail is something that refuses to be hammered down? Wouldn't a more appropriate nickname have been "the anything-other-than-a-nail house"?
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

RE: "Edu-babble" under attack. Apparently, acronyms shouldn't be used as much, according to the "ATL" Conference. Words are meaningless, or "blended to total vacuity". Thankfully, the laughable irony is not lost on the 主播大秀 at the end of the report.
Dan Abrey, Oxford

Re: 'Talking' scheme, John Reid is quoted as saying "the vast majority of people [in Middlesbrough] are right behind it". Doesn't that mean they wont be seen by the cameras?
Lee Pike, Cardiff, UK

Apparently this orphaned is "a right little monkey".Now, I'm not a trained zoologist but...
MJ Simpson, Leicester, UK

Thanks to the physicists at for yet another standard of measurement. It seems their experiments are "each about the size of a mansion". Not clear, though, if the mansions boast Olympic-sized swimming pools?
David Dee, Matola Mozambique

The story includes the phrase: "These experiments, each about the size of a mansion [...]". Given the Government's attitude to research funding (namely to chop lumps out of it to balance out the failed Rover prop-up), does the 主播大秀 really think that readers interested in science will know how big a mansion is?
Brian Ritchie, Oxford, UK

With regards to David Cameron's positon on the UK catwalk, although he may be second best, the top spot could be tied by millions, so you can still pop to the local without inducing nightmares...
Chris, Oxford, England

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It's time for the winning entries in Punorama.

As ever, we gave you a story and you sent us punning headlines.

The story this week was that female soldiers took up posts guarding Buckingham Palace and Windsor Castle for the first time ever. For centuries it has been a ceremonial role reserved exclusively for the boys. Five women from the King's Troop Royal Horse Artillery marched into Windsor, while four from the Army Air Corps reported for duty at the Palace.

So how did you do? Helen Bourne and Helene Parry both sent in 21st sentry duty , with Girls just want to have gun from Stella. Ms Parry also contributed Sentry beauty, with Keeping a breast of the times from Lynne and Sarah - the latter from Trieste, Italy.

But how did you boys do? In the same vein as Helen/Helene was Turn of the sentry from Charles in the US. Stuart sent in The Coldcream Guards , while Stig and Lee Pike contributed Guns 'n' Roses. Then there was Adam and Eve in the Guardin' from Offshore Alan, Simon Rooke's Windsor change blowing through the ranks and Buckingham Alice from Marc...

... which leads on to another popular theme, which was to ditch any attempt at a pun and simply rework the AA Milne ditty. The best of the bunch was this from James: "They're changing sex at Buckingham Palace, Christopher Robin has swopped with Alice, Alice is now one of the Guard, A soldier's life isn't all that hard, says Alice."

Thanks to all who entered. Enjoyed that? Watch out on Thursday for a special speed caption competition to mark the Easter break.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Telegraph's recent redesign by stealth saw the promotion of its gossip column Spy, bumped up from the nether regions of the paper to page six, and the creation of a new Earth watch column (the writing of which seems mostly to consist of repeatedly hitting the keys E and U).

For chatty columns are quite the things these days, and so just the subject for today's instalment of the Magazine's own chatty column.

Sadly, the lovely young gel whose by-line photo typically graces Spy went off on her hols not long after the redesign - thus severely depleting the Telegraph's quota of posh totty pics - only to be replaced by a much cuddlier - and more male - columnist.

As fond as Paper Monitor is of the Telegraph as a whole, when it comes to chatty columns, we've got a side flirtation going with People in the Times (hi there, Hugo Rifkind and underlings - let's do lunch, you gorgeous creatures).

No-one does it quite as well as People, although many try. The Guardian's own People is but a pale imitation. It devotes 130-odd words to Boris Johnson's latest efforts to insult his fellow Britons, this time with a pop at Portsmouth, but it takes the Times' People to spot that boundary changes have given the Tories a toe-hold in what was a LibDem stronghold. Until now. Expect Boris in sack cloth and ashes pounding the streets of Portsmouth any day...

In a further show of genius, People has been making daily calls to the Iranian Embassy in London, asking it to perform the duties of a business exactly 1.7 nautical miles away. Today it's to order tulips from the flower stand at Paddington Station. Yesterday it was to order a pizza after confusing the embassy with Bella Italia at 108 Queensway. "Silly old us... Still, it's only 1.7 nautical miles away, an easy mistake to make."

Paper Monitor has such a crush...

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Yesterday we asked, as Daniel Craig was voted the UK's best-dressed man, which David achieved the distinction of appearing in the top 10 of both the best AND worst dressed? A whopping 48% of you wrongly said David Beckham. Another 16% incorrectly said David Tennant, and 13% plumped for David Walliams. Only 23% of you correctly picked David Cameron. Today's mini-question - asking which bon mot is inscribed on Prince Charles's toilet seat - is on the now.

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Re: . How fitting a tribute for his friend who died of a heart attack to name it after him!
Sarah, Manchester

Regarding repeating as kids. We children of the 80s were also subjected to Mork and Mindy repeats in the early 90s. We went round greeting each other with 'Nanoo nanoo', probably around 15 years after the series actually finished. I think "bovvered' will be around for a while longer yet...
Suzi, Portsmouth

Re: . Why are drugs nobility always barons? Why do we never hear of, for example, an "Ecstasy Earl"?
Adam, London, UK

Just to be pedantic of Southampton, wouldn't a drugs baron run an international cocaine smuggling barony? If it's an empire, surely he would be a drugs' emperor...
J. Paul Murdock, West Midlands, UK

Re: April Fools special. Also on Sunday prescription charges were abolished in Wales,easily could have been a cruel joke but was a celebratory truth and very well received.
tim mcmahon, pennar/wales

Tescos are to pay more to . Surely it would make more sense to pay more to milk cows?
R J Tysoe, London, UK

If is the second best and sixth worst dressed man in the UK, then logically only seven people in the UK are dressed. I'm never visiting the old people's home again.
Phil, Guisborough

Re: . "Open mouth, insert muffin.." What, all of it? You could choke on that; they should have a warning or something..
Stig, London, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

You might have seen colourful poster adverts for the Guardian recently, saying: "You don't need to shout every day." It's a re-working of the old fable about the boy crying wolf. It's a skillful piece of work because although superficially it looks like it's attacking the screaming red-tops, the real target is the Independent and its overblown front pages which range all the way from "we're doomed, doomed, DOOMED, do you hear???" to "How do you sleep at night Mr B Liar?"

Well today's Indy isn't a bad illustration of the dangers of the approach. It's that rare thing - an actual story - but because the paper has devalued its own headlines you'd be hard pushed to realise it's news. The story (and Paper Monitor obviously has no idea if it's true or not) is that a failed US attempt to abduct two Iranian officials was the inspiration for the current hostage crisis.

The headline - "The botched US raid that led to the hostage crisis"- isn't in itself a bad one, and it's over a dramatic picture of some helicopters. But this being the Indy, you can't be sure, on an initial glance, that it's not a story about Vietnam.

Still, as it seems today's youth tell their teachers, whatev-ah. Paper Monitor can't actually remember throwing catchphrases back at one's teachers, as several of today's papers report young people as doing nowadays. Did the youth of the 80s really cry out "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing milkbone underwear!" in tribute to Norm from Cheers. The children of the 70s might well have gone round the playground saying "Shazbot, Nanoo nanoo" to each other, but to teachers?

In Paper Monitor's youth it used to ponder why theatre reviews sometimes broke out of the arts pages and were at the front of the newspaper. The answer became clear - and was two-fold: firstly the review had been written after the previous night's press viewing, so it had been too late for the arts pages' deadline. Secondly, the theatre review is one of those totems - a badge of pride from a certain era when newspaper competition was about more than just what DVD the marketing folk had come up with. It mattered what your respected critic thought of Olivier's new role at the Royal Court. Maybe people even chose which paper to take on the basis of the review?

So it's doubly odd, then, that the Times gives full "first night" treatment - all of page five - to a review of last night's Coronation Street. Has the Times really come to this? Coronation Street, like much of TV, isn't really Paper Monitor's thing. So what was the big deal about last night?

It was the culmination of a court case involving Tracy Barlow. She'd murdered her lover, and had a background (the paper informs us) of date rape, selling her daughter, taking Ecstasy, and perjury. Sounds like an ordinary day in soapworld, but reviewer Andrew Billen earns his place in the paper by lifting the whole piece above flim-flam into art. "Like Goneril and Regan, Tracy is not a daughter you want in your life," he writes, cunningly donning a Shakespearean beard of respectability.

One footnote. An obituary in today's Times notes the passing of Franco Cosimo Panini, aged 75. He was one of the brothers behind the sticker-album empire, and thus an inspiration for the Magazine Monitor's World Cup 2006 .

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Yesterday's Daily Mini-Quiz noted that teachers are threatening to walk out of classrooms if temperatures exceed 27C, but what is the limit recommended by the World Health Organisation? The right answer was 24C although most plumped for the highest 鈥� 28C. How many? The Monitor has a small confession 鈥� it forgot to check.

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Re . "A drugs baron has been found guilty of running an international cocaine smuggling empire." So, a drugs baron has been found guilty of being a drugs baron... Any more scoops?
Chris Kenny, Southampton

Could someone please explain to me how, according to your How to say guide, Xishun can be pronounced "SHEE SHUUN (to rhyme with book)". No matter how often I say it I can't get it to rhyme with book. As the tree said to the logger, "I'm stumped".
Louise, Dublin, Ireland

Sorry to be late in on the act but I always thought "back to square one" (Friday letters) was a reference to the fact that the square (and indeed square root) of one is one, so the result will always be the same as what you started with.
Annya

Re shameless attempts to suck up to the boss (Friday letters). Gareth, I鈥檇 say advertising your boss鈥檚 web entry to all and sundry beats the original Wikipedia effort.
Nick Rikker, Barcelona, Spain

In , we are invited to watch the new voice. How does that work then?
Ralph, Cumbria

I see the phenomenon of ever-shrinking celebrities has now, perhaps inevitably, taken a new turn. On 5 March, the 主播大秀 news website announced that Mylene Klass (29) would be fronting a new . Three weeks later you announce and lost a year (28) rather than a dress size. Size zero celebrities are off-putting enough; the prospect of age zero celebrities is just too scary for words.
Kris Siefken, Leicester

Andrew of Malvern, just to be pedantic back (Friday letters), I would hold that P.S. not only requires two FULL STOPS (as opposed to "two periods") but also TWO CAPITAL LETTERS.
J Paul Murdock, West Midlands

Re: Armed robots that can tell the difference between trees and people (10 seemingly spoof stories). Isn't the ability to tell the difference between South and North Koreans a more vital skill?
Sara, Malmo, Sweden

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Tony Blair is to tread the boards, a team of garden inspectors will fine barbecuers 拢50 if they do not pay to offset their carbon emissions, and Paris is to host the opening ceremony of the 2012 London Olympics because "the French are very good at fireworks"... or so yesterday's news reports would have us believe.

But some of 1 April's seemingly spoof news stories are true. Here are 10 stories that could be pranks - but aren鈥檛.

1. For nine years, an urn of ashes found on the Tube has sat unclaimed in the lost property office, the Observer reported. But now an amateur genealogist has tracked down the family who were robbed of the urn on the way to scatter their father鈥檚 ashes.

2. And an army of the undead took over Brisbane's streets, the 主播大秀 News website reported. It was an annual Zombie Walk in which horror film fans spattered with fake blood staggered across the city. Its website explains that it was not an April Fool's joke "but serious, in a flippant sort of manner".

3. Gromit the Plasticine dog is to be the , replacing Nipper the terrier on the music store鈥檚 logo. The Sunday Times quoted Gromit鈥檚 creator, Nick Park, as saying: "It's a great honour to be stepping in the same paw-prints of an icon as big as Nipper." All true, said HMV's press office.

4. Also genuine was the paper鈥檚 report that the moat around the Tower of London could soon be re-submerged, 177 years after it was drained. True, says the Royal Palaces' press office.

5. Musical lederhosen equipped with built-in MP3 controls were among five contenders highlighted in the Independent on Sunday鈥檚 Spot the April Fool contest. But the hi-tech leather shorts were unveiled at the annual CeBIT trade fair earlier in the week.

6. And the "Bill of Rights for abused robots鈥�, an ethical code to prevent humans from exploiting machines, also reported in the Indie? South Korea drew up the proposal in early March, as reported .

7. South Korea has also unveiled robots equipped with machine-guns that can tell the difference between humans and trees, that it may use to patrol its border with North Korea, says the Times. On 2 April.

8. Sheep, the European Union, electronic tagging 鈥� perhaps the April Fool鈥檚 story that has everything? But this snippet in the Observer鈥檚 news in brief column is genuine. Asked about the European Union proposal for an electronic identity system for sheep, the Welsh MP Mark Williams said in a parliamentary question: 鈥淲e already have a robust system of identifying a species. If it's woolly and goes 鈥榖aa鈥�, it's a sheep.鈥� The proposal has been on the cards for several years to track livestock movement.

9. Fascist leader Oswald Mosley was so upset at suggestions that he mistreated his pigs that he wrote irate letters to the 主播大秀 Office to try to clear his name. Records released by the National Archives on 1 April show that he attempted to extract an apology after he was charged with over-crowding and under-feeding his pigs in 1945.

10. Cosmetic surgery is ripe for a send-up, but there are few limits to the lengths some people will go to in order to look youthful. The Indie on Sunday carried a double-page spread on how demand for hand lifts - either plumped up with fat from elsewhere in the body or by injecting cosmetic fillers - is up by at least 300%.

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On Friday we asked whether it was true or false that more flat caps are now sold to softie Southerners than gritty Northerners. This was a bit of a no-brainer - 87% correctly said it's true, according to figures from Asda (that specialist purveyor of such items) with some styles selling three times as many in the South. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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