主播大秀

To Ralph in Cumbria, who question the 750-person limit of the new RHS glasshouse in Surrey. I'm sure they could get more that 750 people in if they took all the plants out, but then it wouldn't really be serving its purpose. Most large conservatory glasshouses only have narrow walkways for people in amongst the plants, so "only" being able to hold 750 people isn't that surprising.
Colin Edwards, Exeter, UK

A week of mitten kittens - - would not be complete without mention of Ernest Hemmingway. He introduced a digitally superfluous tom cat to Key West where there is still a , thought to be his descendants (the tom cat's, not Hemmingway's).
Chris, Witney, Oxon,

Am I the only one getting bored with all these size comparison letters? For me, they're starting to provide about eight Big Brother's-worth of tedium.
dave godfrey, swindon

Re Andy Nicholson's gripe about not being able to add yourself to the fantasy cabinet, there is a way, under "Fantasy Person", the second tab along. I have made myself Deputy Leader to stop all this squabbling, and installed Lily Allen and Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Education and Defence ministers, to get that all important 'yoof' vote.
KWalker, Runcorn

Does the also apply to overweight women showing off their thongs?
Ian, Ledbury, HFDS

I'm not so concerned about how to deliver half a baby. I'm more concerned by the relevant headline: ... to say nothing of the mothers.
Jon, Bishops Stortford

I've just logged on for the first time since last Friday [sorry, PM], and seen Mike Sweet's letter about [non-]colour blindness. I am one of the extremely rare women who are partially colour blind, mildly and on the green side of the spectrum in my case. Nevertheless, I function very well as a textile artist and I also make many a 3-D poem, all of which are full of colours. Also, the gene is not passed only through the female lineage as it was my father who was seriously colour-blind; there was no evidence of my mother's family being affected at all. And - to answer all the usual responses in advance - yes, I can tell the difference in traffic lights, and yes, I have read Wittgenstein's writing in the First World War trenches, and no, I didn't know I was colour-blind until an Ishihara test proved it.
Esh, Ballygowan, NI

Does the 主播大秀 know something about eternal life that we don't? According to , drinking cheap aftershave excessively means you are six times more likely to die than those who refrain. I always thought that death was pretty certain for everyone.
Rob, London

At what point does something become "Nearby"? This echos that of "Nearby" stonehenge.. That's almost 50 miles away!
Trev, York

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Lewis Hamilton is named after US sprinter Carl Lewis.

2. Bolivian President Evo Morales sacrifices llamas for good luck.
https://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/6747153.stm

3. Drinking aftershave (among other things) has been blamed for half of all deaths of Russian men of working age.

4. Pickpockets watch for those who react to signs warning of their presence, as many people will pat their wallet on reading the notice.

5. Eighteen percent of all new homes are built on residential land, up from 11% a decade ago.

6. As recently as the early 1980s, mortgages were rationed.

7. Only two judges have been fired since 1701's Act of Settlement gave the Lord Chancellor alone that power. The first was in in 1830, for stealing court funds; the second was in 1983, for smuggling whiskey and cigarettes into Britain on a private yacht.

8. Prince Philip came to be venerated as an island god because villagers in Vanuatu have for centuries believed that a pale-skinned son of a mountain spirit had ventured across the seas to look for a powerful woman to marry. The Duke of Edinburgh has been the focus of this legend since the 1960s.

9. Jail and prison are not the same thing in the United States - it depends on the size and governing body of the facility. Paris Hilton, for instance, is in jail, not prison.

10. Blood can turn a dark greenish-black - like a Vulcan's - if taking a certain type of migraine medication.

(Sources, where not linked: 1. Times, 11 June; 7. Times, 13 June.)

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Joe, Toby and Robin Kearney and Catriona Price for this week's picture of 10 cores, taken while making apple crumble).

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Last week Patrick Imbardelli was one of the top hoteliers in the world 鈥� heading, as he did, the Intercontinental Hotel's Asia Pacific region. Today he's in the job market, after it was revealed Mr Imbardelli, who was about to be promoted to the board, : two bachelor degrees and a masters.

It was an audacious fib, and one that eventually backfired. But the Monitor is blessed with a more forgiving nature than certain international hotel firms, and for one afternoon only is staging a CV fibbers' amnesty.

Big or small, we asked you to tell us about the, uhum, exaggeration(s) that might have slipped into your job resume.

Below is a selection of your confessions.

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Here are the winning entries in the caption competition.

They say never work with animals or children, but the Monitor has never let such considerations stand in its way. So this week, veterinary staff prepare to vaccinate Nelson the lion at Perth Zoo in Australia. But what's being said?

6. Paul Knights
"Look, if Mrs Green says it's an Oriental Shorthair then who are we to disagree?"

5. Catherine O
"The boss says can you get a move on? We're doing five NHS hip replacements this afternoon."

4. Andrew Penguin
"If he wakes up, it was her idea, right?"

3. Diane, Sutton
"Of course I'm glad he's found it, but I think he could have told us sooner it was in his pocket the whole time."

2. Clare Knights
"What do you mean you've run out of chloroform?!"

1. Dan Hammett
"Weren't you wearing a watch before we started?"

Thanks to all who entered.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There鈥檚 only one story in town for the Express, Mirror and Sun today. It鈥檚 child poverty in Guatemala.

Just kidding. It鈥檚 the arrest of erstwhile 鈥淭V funnyman鈥� Michael Barrymore as part of a murder investigation. But by the usual standards of the papers, there is great restraint. So we move on.

The Times carries a charming photo of Baroness Thatcher and Cherie and Tony Blair being, well, less than whelmed to be in each other鈥檚 presence.

And over in the Sun there is the find of the day - a guide to doing a DIY version of the new Chelsea away strip. The Blue Peter-esque plan involves cyclists鈥� reflective strips and marker pen, and promises to cost no more than a tenner. The end result looks rather rubbish, and not an effective reply to pester power.

Perhaps tomorrow鈥檚 paper could carry instructions to turn a few sheets of paper and marker pen into a DIY Sun, saving you 35p.

Sometimes a headline comes along that is so tempting you have to return to it again and again.

Today it鈥檚 鈥淐ornish nasties鈥� in the Daily Mail鈥檚 Richard Littlejohn column (ok, it doesn't quite work for soft southerners). Perhaps the subs read the Express where that was the headline yesterday on the story about Cornish nationalists threatening trouble. Or the Sun, which plumped for the same headline yesterday, having already used it on 4 May on a feature.

Great minds.

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Yesterday we asked which item of clothing has been outlawed in the Louisiana town of Delcambre. It's low-slung trousers, which 88% of you correctly answered. Any of whom will find themselves fined 拢250 and facing six months in prison if their trousers don't fully cover their underwear. Today's mini-question is on the now.

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Am I the only one who was briefly terrified by the headline "FBI tries to fight hordes". Has "Shaun Of The Dead" happened already?
S Murray, Chester, UK

The in this report has an area of 10 tennis courts, but has a capacity for 750 visitors. Surely they can get more in, especially if they stack them 5 metres deep!
Ralph, Cumbria

To Adam (Wednesday's letters): The FA's rules of the game of football state that a pitch can be between 90m and 120m long, and between 45m and 90m wide, or for international games, between 100m and 110m long and 64m and 75m wide. So 2755 football pitches can be anything between 11.2 square kilometres and 29.8 square kilometres. However, Wembley's pitch (according to Wikipedia) is 105m by 68m, giving a standard pitch size of 7140 square metres. Therefore we are losing 19.7 square kilometres of garden space - or about 0.008 Luxembourgs.
Gemma, Oxford, UK

Diane Sutton (Wednesday's letters), a midwife can get their exact quota by doing a delivery and walking out halfway through. Thus they have delivered half of a baby.
Nick Ould, Peterborough, UK

With regards the 主播大秀's tool. How come there's no option to add youself in there?
Andy Nicholson, Milton Keynes

Re: Kimberly Achurch. I would LOVE to see those x-rays of your cats feet!
Lauren, London

I like the Olympic logo, there I've said it.
Anon, Croydon

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor does not like to point out spelling mistakes in its printed friends for fear of being accused of stone-throwing from the vantage point of a glass house.

But it really must draw the line at Kelvin Mackenzie鈥檚 error in his column in the Sun. For a former editor to write the word 鈥減hoarrr鈥� is scandalous. It is spelt 鈥減hwoar鈥�, as any Sun sub know, and as the 主播大秀 helpfully explains in a guide to its usage in conversation. You might even stretch to a 鈥減hwoaarr鈥�, but to drop the 鈥渨鈥� is heinous.

Worryingly the 鈥減hoarrr鈥� is directed at the faintly terrifying Apprentice runner-up Katie Hopkins.

It is hard to say 鈥減hwoar鈥�, while looking at the front page of the Independent newspaper, sorry Mr Blair, viewspaper. The map of oil reserves perfectly captures the tone of a GCSE Geography revision guide, the latest in a series of similar poster fronts from the paper.

Over in the Daily Mail, there is rage.

There is rage at the 鈥溾�檈lf 鈥榥鈥� safety鈥� madness that is stopping a clown from blowing bubbles at children鈥檚 parties. Poor Barney Baloney cannot get public liability insurance. The newspaper carries the tragic sentence: 鈥淢r Turner will have to rely solely on juggling and clowning to get the children laughing.鈥� Cruel world.

Mr Baloney also features on the front of the Telegraph, although Paper Monitor's eye was immediately drawn to the Telegraph's current initiative to induct its readers into all things blogospheric. "MAKE YOUR OWN ONLINE NEWSPAPER" it invites us across its front page banner. "How to get started TELEGRAPH.CO.UK/MYTELGRAPH (sic)".

Hold on, what's that "crrrrrrracking" sound? Why this sudden shower of glass splinters?

There is much in the newspapers about measures to curb paedophiles, but perhaps the pithiest criticism is in the Sun, where there is suspicion 主播大秀 Secretary John Reid is attempting to make a big noise before retiring to the backbenches.

鈥淚s he serious about this 鈥� or just worried about leaving a legacy for tough talk?鈥� asks Page 3 girl Ruth, 24, from Kent.

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In Wednesday's Daily Mini-Quiz, we asked what the inscription was on George W Bush's lost watch. The answer, as an overwhelming 54% of you correctly identified, was 'George W Bush President January 20, 2001'. Today's DMQ is on the .

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I read so much criticism about the , I can only wonder how much of it is worth it.
Digging deep in memory for past Olympics' marketing I can only remember Sydney's boomerang, Moscow's Misha and Freddy Mercury's Barcelona friends for life.
The ugly logo will be easy to forget, but 2012 is building a reputation as the Olympics that got people arguing
Nuno Arago, Portugal

I saw with concern the report about the number of that each UK midwife is now overseeing. However, the guideline from their Royal College is even more disturbing: how can a midwife deliver half a baby?

Regarding your headline " surge stretches midwives" - I'd like to point out that's nothing compared to what it does to the mothers.
Diane, Sutton

Re: The Russian Story. Police report he escaped from the crime scene on a "bicycle". Not very ninja-like, I would have thought he just would have dissapeared in a puff of smoke.
Bish, Bedford

Am I missing something, or is the warning that we could lose garden space equivalent to "2,755 " no different to the more conventional measure of 2755 football pitches. Or is the pitch at Wembley a different size? If we want to use Wembley as a new unit of measurement, may I suggest that we use it as a measure of time? Something along the lines of "critics have suggested that, in a worst case scenario, the London 2012 stadium could be behind schedule by as much as 2 Wembley over-runs".
Adam, London, UK

Regarding Des with , my cat has 28 toes... the vet was so impressed that they took x- rays
Kimberley Achurch, Portsmouth

Re: Chartered Colourist, and Duncan's question, I have no idea either, but he's obviously jolly proud of it!
I bet he was good at colouring-in as a child....never outside a single line...
Mike Henry, Reading, UK

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It's time for Punorama reuslts. This week it was the story of a trip made by Princess Anne.

She took an embarrassing tumble on a cobbled street while on an official visit to Guernsey in the Channel Isles.

When the island's Baliff, Geoffrey Rowland, tried to lift her up she got a bit hot under the collar and snapped: "Don't do that. Grabbing me round my (inaudible) won't help."

So, how did you do? Not the best week, but there were some impressive entries.

We liked Anne's frank message sent in by Rob Powell and Slippery beyond bailiff from Val茅rie Falconer. Very nice.

Our punorama regulars also came up with the goods. There was Rump hold of the Bailiff from Gareth Jones in the Isle of Anglesey, Guern And Bear It from Nigel Macarthur and The fall of the grouse of Windsor from Kip. Good work chaps.

Showing that the Americans can produce a good pun is Charles, from the USA, with The Princess and the peeve.

Using the Princess Royal's name to get the creative juices flowing was Marc Fox with Keep yours Annes to yourself and DJB in Glos with Keep your Annes orf me. We like.

Also, honourable mention to m-Anne-handled from Stella and Anne-ger management from Sarah in Italy.

That's all folks. This week, your report from the School of Puns reads must try harder.

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A daily service highlighting the pack-like obsessive hunting of the feral beasts of the media.

There's plenty to distract one in today's papers, including a judge's underwear, illustrated instructions for stealing a presidential Timex, and clear facial similarities between the fathers and husbands of Nigella Lawson, Zoe Ball, Angelina Jolie and Kim Wilde.

And, in Sunspeak, "Paedo fiends to get chop".

But let's face it, for Paper Monitor there's only one story in town: Mr Blair's attack on the press. And out of all the press, the prime minister decided to single out the Independent as particularly loathsome. (Regular readers will remember "BLAIRAQ" as being the apogee of the paper's campaign against Mr Blair.)

So what do the papers make of it all? Here's a sample.

"Britain is blessed with the richest variety of media in the world. It can be belligerent, biased, and sometimes blatantly unfair. But for all our imperfections we play a vital role in the political life of this nation." (Sun)

"Even in his final days, the old rogue has not forgotten how to spin the truth." (Daily Mail)

"He forecast his speech would be rubbished. We do not do that: but, given his record on liberties of the subject, we do find his argument deeply disturbing, founded on false premises and worthy of the strongest refutation." (Daily Telegraph)

"Right sermon, wrong preacher." (Guardian)

"We welcome Mr Blair's contribution to what is an important debate." (Independent)

The Indy, to be fair, does also put its side of the debate, and asks if Mr Blair would be saying the same thing if it had supported him over Iraq.

But let's look a little deeper. In one passage of his speech, Mr Blair said: "'Some good, some bad'; 'some things going right, some going wrong' - these are concepts alien to today's reporting. It's a triumph or a disaster. A problem is 'a crisis'. A setback is a policy 'in tatters'. A criticism, 'a savage attack'."

Paper Monitor has done a quick count-up (or at least has access to a programme which can). And it seems the prime minister has a point.

The word "crisis" has made 14,234 appearances in the UK press this year, "in tatters" 642 and "a savage attack" 65.

The phrase "some things going right, some going wrong" hasn't appeared AT ALL (except in the reporting of Mr Blair's speech).

The phrase "some good, some bad" has only appeared three times, once in an interview with Bjorn Borg and once in an Observer gardening special about how one never knows just how Chinese tulip trees will turn out after planting.

So whatever might be said about it, this was a savage attack. Something somewhere is in crisis, indeed probably in tatters.

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Yesterday we asked who has been advised to check MySpace for illegal raves? It's farmers - which 36% of you correctly answered - who were told this by the Local Government Association to gather intelligence and inform police. Another 25% said police chiefs, 24% said councils, and the rest were split between budding DJs and David Cameron. There must be a Venn diagram in that one. Today mini-question - on George Bush's possibly pickpocketed watch - is on the now.

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Is it just me, or is Tony Blair's "" outburst not just a tad rich? If the media were such a problem to him, why, for instance, the repeated rush to be seen on TV with the likes of Messrs Gallagher, his "cool" buddies? But perhaps that's all the media is really for, rather than occasionally asking people to account for themselves.
Neil Franklin, Southampton, UK

They say you are never too old to learn and the story of a "" proves it. It sounds like a type of prehistoric dinosaur but is, more humbly, a cat with more toes than the normal 18. The cat in question has 26 and to think they are more frequent in the next county to where I live. So maybe those sightings of big cats was not down to too much night out liquid?
Tim, Wales

Tell me, am I going mad(der), or does something not add up here? One of the threads had the following stats: Total comments: 2546, published comments: 1118, rejected comments: 60. Where did the other 1368 comments go? Is there a special Comment Heaven where they can blisfully spend their days spelling badly and drinking extra strong toner? The public demands to know (well, I do, anyway).
Starling, Lancaster, UK

Re: Mike Sweet: "Seb Coe is partially colour blind. No he is not, nobody is." I know of at least one person who is: me, for a few shades in the dark reds / browns. So,I'm afraid you're wrong, Mr Sweet, associate chartered colourist you may be. I am your living counter-example. Unless this is actually some attempt at politicially correcting away the perfectly reasonable, perfectly common term "colour blind".
Steven, Cambridge

I think this week's Punorama should have been substituted with a one-off 'fill in the missing blank' competition.
Nick Jones, Dorking

Excuse me, Cynosarge, but doesn't a week last seven days, including Saturday and Sunday? Changing the Paper Monitor subtitle to "A service highlighting the riches of the weekday press" doesn't change the meaning in the slightest!
Sharon Cutworth, King's Lynn, Norfolk

What on earth does a Chartered Colourist do?
Duncan, Hove

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

When national papers report terrible acts of violence, they are selecting a small handful of events - ahead of countless others that don't make the news - because they believe it will touch their audience in a greater way than others.

So any added dimension they can give the victim or the circumstances to make it stand out from the others or elicit more sympathy does, in their view, work better.

But this selection process can be a contrived and clumsy one. For instance, one accusation is that white, pretty, murder victims get more coverage than most.

Last week, the Sun reported that Kate Beagley was a "career girl" who was killed near Jerry Hall's 拢10m mansion, as if being murdered in a working class area would have made it less significant.

At least Paper Monitor can understand the paper's motives here in trying to gain the attention of readers who may reside in leafy and up-market areas.

But today's reporting of the murder of PC Jonathan Henry is more puzzling.

With no mention of him being a police officer on duty and having a baby daughter - facts which should be sufficient in themselves to shock readers and justify national attention - the Mirror's front page headline screams: "MURDERED 18 MINUTES INTO HIS SHIFT"

The Sun takes a similar angle with "CUT DOWN IN 21 MINS", although the big picture of PC Henry in uniform means a cursory glance can glean that he's an officer.

Does the victim elicit more sympathy because he was starting his shift?

The broadsheets are less bothered about the timing and more concerned with the victim. The Times chooses to emphasise that he was a rookie, while the Telegraph and Mail focus on his family status, in particular the fact his daughter is approaching her first birthday.

Such details can be the difference between being a footnote in a local freesheet or on breakfast tables across the nation.

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On Monday we asked who, according to a report by the School Food Trust, should supplement the work of dinner ladies? As 65% of you correctly identified, it's pupils. Try not to do better in today's DMQ, which is on the .

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Re . While I love the new Wembley and I mostly agree with the article the writer failed to mention the massive queue that formed for the people with standing tickets, as they had only opened 1 gate for those on the pitch. This was sorted out, but it was a bit of a hiccup. Also, from the pitch the acoustics weren't so great. At the halfway line there was a bad echo of the sound from the rear of the stadium.
R J Tysoe, London, UK

In a climate where parents are worried about their children setting foot in the streets because of the sex offenders lurking behind every bush, is it responsible reporting to headline an article with , followed by the number of child victims, rapes, and other horrifying facts, without more emphasis given to the age of the offenders, or the circumstances in which this is deemed appropriate? How can the public remain informed if an article gives 70% coverage to the shock-factor, 20% coverage to the outraged parties involved, and only 10% to the reason for the headline? I'm surprised at the 主播大秀.
Kimberley Counsell, Leicester

I see in the business section that UK property prices are moving upwards. Links to other 主播大秀 articles tell us that house price inflation is easing off, that mortgage approvals hit a new low, that the rate rise will cool the housing market, and that house prices are still accelerating. Would it save space if, every month, the business section just had a line which read: house price inflation goes up and down?
Bob Peters, Leeds, UK

The subtitle of your Paper Monitor ("A service highlighting the riches of the daily press") is WRONG. Unless I am much mistaken, Saturday and Sunday are days, and have newspapers published. Either you need to bring the frequency of your reporting up to that promised by your subtitle, or you need to change the subtitle to read "A service highlighting the riches of the weekday press"
Cynosarges, London, UK

Best Caption Comp winners for a very long time - much chuckling here, which is unusual for Friday afternoon. But I was very disappointed with Liz's letter listing why anyone born between the 1950s to the 1980s shouldn't be alive. Most of us had that mass email back in the 90s - perhaps MM isn't on anyone's group email?
Emma, Hampton

I think it is rather harsh of the parents in to have "postponed Morgan's sixth birthday while they await the outcome of their application". At the rate planning permission usually works that boy is going to be five years old for quite some time.
Matt Bailey, Windsor, UK

Re 10 things, Seb Coe is partially colour blind. No he is not, nobody is. He has a partial colour vision deficiency. The term colour blind is not correct.He is likely to be an "anomalous trichromat" which means he has some red/green defiency in his colour vision.This is not unusual in men,but extremely rare in women.However,the gene responsible is passed through the female lineage.
Mike Sweet, Chartered colourist, Sutton-in-Ashfield

Re Alex Swanson's observation that the word's "climate change" are just a "collection of letters" to the inventors of wireless energy. Presumably, the same could be said for Alex's attitude to the erst of the article otherwise he/she would have noticed that the scientists were not happy with the current level of efficiency but instead "The goal now is to... improve the efficiencies".
Claire, Watford, UK

It might be me, but the seems to be lacking a few essentials, like bedrooms and a bathroom. And those stairs don't look right either.
QJ, Stafford, UK

主播大秀 News front page, under Most Emailed:
1)
2)
Suggestion that money going into such research could be better spent elsewhere!
Helen, Oxford

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The Daily Mail is promising to tackle the burning questions of the day.

Today鈥檚 front page blurb says: 鈥淒o dogs have a sense of humour?鈥�. Turn to page 26-27 and you find that the question isn't really addressed.

But fear not, disappointed dog lovers. On page 33 is a piece headlined 鈥淐an a dog be as intelligent as a child of 14 months?鈥�. Now that鈥檚 what Paper Monitor calls a headline.

It is also only appropriate to raise our hat to Saturday鈥檚 Mail which featured an essay by AN Wilson, entitled 鈥淗ELL-ON-EARTH.COM鈥�.

Wilson has discovered a phenomenon called 鈥渢he internet鈥�. Worse still, there is something called 鈥淲eb 2.0鈥�, which is destroying society.

Porn, gambling, piracy, stealth advertising and privacy breaches all arouse ire in Wilson, but he also pours vitriol on Wikipedia.

鈥淲ikipedia is now insidiously crammed with misinformation, much of it planted by special interest groups or malign individuals with axes to grind.鈥�

Of course Wilson鈥檚 antipathy to the 鈥渆rror-crammed and often biased鈥� encyclopaedia has nothing to do with his own amusing .

Over in the Mirror, there is a rather familiar looking 鈥渆xclusive鈥�. It鈥檚 30 鈥渢rade secrets鈥� of the Apprentice. It couldn鈥檛 have anything to do with this , could it?

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On Friday we asked you what was holding up Prince Charles's plans for eco-holiday homes. It was bats, which 44.5% of you plumped for.

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