主播大秀

Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Humour comes from testosterone.

2. Wii players use only 2% more energy than players of regular computer games.

3. There were 1,580 cosmetic treatments in the UK on average last year.

4. Blood alcohol concentration does not decrease when you eat as well as drink.

5. Reading in dim light does not harm your eyesight.

6. Only 10% of a horse's lifetime winnings can be attributed to its bloodline.

7. There are 17 surviving versions of the Magna Carta - or 17 Magnae Cartae.

8. The whale is descended from a raccoon-sized land-based mammal called the Indonyus.

9. Only one in a hundred tourists visiting the UK stay for longer than three months.

10. Nick Clegg, the Lib Dems' new leader, once took a road trip across the US with his friend Louis Theroux.

Seen 10 things? . Thanks to Mercia Sadie for this week's picture of 10 seagulls on a roof in Houtbaai, South Africa.

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Merry Christmas to the Monitor, from another loyal employee in work all day today and erm...fulfilling important work-related research commitments on the internet.
Susannah, Northampton

"Now I feel violated, betrayed and disgusted." So said Sean Dubowik, the strip club owner mortified that a doctor showed his colleagues a photo of his penis with a "Hot Rod" tattoo (). This is my story of the week - the chance for so many lines, so little time...
Mel

Did someone get a PhD off this nugget of stating the obvious ().
James Hayward, Eindhoven, The Netherlands

Re . This says that Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love "spent seven long weeks languishing at the top of the UK singles chart, and has become the biggest-selling song of the year so far". I would suggest that a best-selling song that has spent seven weeks at the top of the chart can not be said to have been "languishing" there. Are you people not supposed to have a fairly good grasp of the English language?
Kevin Langley, Derby, UK

I'm disappointed the Daily Telegraph didn't have a partridge in a pear tree on its front page (Paper Monitor).
Starling, Lancaster

Re today's random stat: I'm astonished that 49% of men are that brave as to say that their partner didn't pick a great gift.
Adam, London, UK

Does the random stat suggest that women are better present givers or that men are more easily pleased? Anyway, I'm sure she'll be delighted with the charity donation I have made on her behalf this year. I'll get my goat.
Ken, Chelmsford

With regards my Thursday letter, you lost the bit at the start in quotes which read, without quotes, Political Bias! I feel that losing those two words completely changes the tone of my letter.
Ed, Clacton, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Workplaces across the nation are starting to wind down operations for the annual festive hibernation but at Monitor Towers it is business as usual... despite a rising sense of panic at the gifts still to be got AND remembering to call-screen in case it's Cap Comp and Punorama ringing from the bar.

Anyway, to work. The Daily Telegraph has obviously not let the pleasures of the season distract it from the task at hand, managing to shoehorn in not just one story (a la the Independent), nor two, three or even four onto its front page. It has (deep intake of breath) six articles, five promo boxes, three charity appeal banners, two news graphics and a big picture story.

And, as befits the season of excess, it covers a mish-mash of Telegraph interests. Politics. The Christmas get-away - and its cost to the economy. The three kings. Call screening. Venerable actress check-by-jowl with Guantanamo detainee. Shaved legs. The cost of a stamp. How to turn out the PERFECT Christmas dinner. And, last but certainly not least, a royal baby. It's all there.

Over at the Sun, it's also noses to the grindstone, albeit on just the one story - alleged "grubby antics" at the Manchester United Christmas party. For it is a Sun story through and through, an opportunity to mix moral outrage with prurient interest.

Whereas yesterday's Times painted a picture of young women "not in their normal jeans, but in short skirts", the Sun spares not a horse in its own descriptions. But they wouldn't, would they?

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When it comes to buying gifts, 36% of women (and 51% of men) say their partner buys the perfect present in a survey for Royal Mail by YouGov.

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Re today's random stat that 15% of festive workers will spend the day playing online - I don't know about anyone else, but that's the target I aim for every day. I must just have higher standards.
Sam, Leeds

Re "The Body Orifice Security Scanner is indeed an electric chair-of-sorts. But rather than being a backdoor attempt..."
So no pun intended there then.
Frances, Bucks

With the disturbing revelation in today's Times that Santa might not be real (Paper Monitor), I hope we don't also learn that any other much loved characters, steeped in their own myth and mysteries, are in fact a combination of imagination and jobbing staffers.
Nicky Stu, Highgate, London

Adam (Thursday letters): one of the things which Scots have and Thais don't, making them unsuitable for hand-shelling langoustines, is the minimum wage. And health and safety legislation. And pensions. And... I'll get my boat.
Craig Thomson, Livingston, Scotland

I was going to cry. How dare you call BNP councillors barking () without pointing out the rest are too. Then I noticed the capital letter. Sorry. I'll get my vote.
Ed, Clacton, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Now there's a sight to warm the cockles of even the sharpest elbowed commuter 鈥� a picture of In the Night Garden's interloping insomniac on the front of the Times.

After all, he鈥� she鈥� it 鈥� in its best-selling guise of Blanket Time Iggle Piggle - is top of Paper Monitor's wish list to Santa this Christmas.

But is Santa about to renege on his side of the bargain? Paper Monitor only asks because in a surreptitious way the Times seems to be raising the question of Santa's existence. There it is reporting on yesterday's comments by the Archbishop of Canterbury (reacting to a question from Ricky Gervais - don't ask) about the veracity of the nativity story, when suddenly religion correspondent Ruth Gledhill ups the stakes by throwing in a line about the metaphysics of Mr Claus.

"[H]e denied that believing in God was equivalent to believing in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy."

Now wait a minute. Rowan Williams is entitled to think what he likes about matters of the Almighty but when he starts veering into questions of a very delicate nature for young ears鈥� shouldn't the Times be more tempered in its approach?

Staying with the Thunderer, the debate (and woefully overlooked by most of the press) that athiest in chief Prof Richard Dawkins likes belting out Christmas Carols, thunders on. Columnist Libby Purves picked up on it a few days ago and today David Aaronovitch helpfully gives us the Jewish take on whether or not one should pitch in with the rest of the choir.

It seems Mr Aaronovitch is every bit the East End reveller when it comes to taking his place alongside the old Joanna, regardless of the fact that he doesn't believe a word of what he's chirruping. So should he too stick to more secular songs such as Frosty the Snowman, as Ms Purves suggests? Why that would be every bit as hypocritical - after all, Frosty is also a tale of resurrection, he counters.

What next - Iggle Piggle was the real Archangel Gabriel?

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While most of those at work between Christmas and New Year plan to spend an hour or two playing on the internet rather than do their actual job, 15% hope to do this for the whole day, according to a survey by the website hotels.com that questioned 1,000 people rostered to work on 27, 28 and 31 December.

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This is a ridiculous country - on the Health Page of the news there ia a story about a lack of , and there is a story about a maternity nurse who can't get a , nor any of her class. Admittedly she used to be on Hollyoaks, so that may not have aided her plight. But I *think* the idea was to raise the profile instead....
Mel

My nomination for quote of the week: That's the kind of scientist I can relate to.
Nick Ould, Peterborough, UK

So six soldiers are being being court martialled in a closed hearing. How does that work then?
John Smith, London

OK, am I missing something here? I can believe that it could be more environmentally friendly to ship from Scotland to Thailand, shell them by hand, and ship them back again than to shell them by machine in Scotland. But wouldn't it be even more environmentally friendly to shell them by hand in Scotland? Or do the Thais have some amazing skill in shelling langoustines that the Scots are just incapable of learning?
Adam, London, UK

"Racehorse revealed". Could it be: cross the finish line before any of the other horses in the race?
Nigel Macarthur, London, England

I agree with Mr Machimura. Unidentified do exist, up to the point somebody identifies them, or, they land.
Nuno Aragao, Aveiro, Portugal

"Some controllers say they have had 30% more business this year, and are urging anyone worried about a rat problem to get in touch right away." I bet they are.
Vincent, Worthing

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Never let it be said that the Daily Mail is stinting in its serious coverage of female politicians.

On page 22 and 23 it dedicates much space to Transport Secretary Ruth Kelly. Is it an analysis of the data so unfortunately lost in Iowa, you ask. No, it is an analysis of Ms Kelly's haircuts and fashion sense over the past 10 years.

The accompanying text from sketchwriter Quentin Letts might provoke a wince or two.

"In the Commons that recent day she cast a smouldering glance at the woflish (sic) Darling. Her lips were assembled into something almost resembling a pout."

But the Mail outdoes even this just two pages later under the headline "Battle lines are drawn for Hillary". Apparently Hillary Clinton is more wrinkled now than in 1993. The pictures prove it. The 60-year-old's "eyelids drooped" and she has "deep furrows" in an "unflattering photo". Perhaps readers might like to see a of a 59-year-old called Paul.

Elsewhere in the papers there are harsh words for the Police Community Support Officers, that most unloved of public sector servants. They are to receive the full backdated pay rise, unlike their colleagues in the police.

The Sun refers to them as "plastic police" (note the use of quotemarks), while the Daily Express goes for a headline where they are plastic bobbies (note the lack of quotemarks).

No festive cheer there then.

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Analysis of 4,000 racehorses reveals that the prize money earned bears only a slight relation to the genetic heritage - but researchers at the University of Edinburgh say that up to 90% of the difference in horses' performance is due to training and the riders.

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Come on 主播大秀, if you can't find a pic of , you should just say so. Did you really think no-one would notice you using a picture of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings?
Cornish Bob, Truro

Following the , I should confess that some months ago I was given a similar set of names, addresses and phone numbers, delivered to my door. Who should I inform? The data was labelled 'The Phone Book'...
Richard, Newport, Wales

How harsh does K Walker (Monday's letters) want sanctions to be? Surely they're not suggesting that we send Phil Collins to a country that is showing signs of cooperating?
Ian, UK

K Walker suggests harsher sanctions for Iran - I would have thought a Chris de Burgh concert was harsh enough...
Adrian, London

Oh dear, is eighth in line for the throne.
Fred, Rotherham

Surely the report on shows that the networks are actually preventing fraud, stopping some people from trying to "vote up to 10 times". Or am I reading it wrong? I'll get me vote.
Adam Shaw, Sussex

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Christmas Day is still a week away but already the papers formerly known as the broadsheet quality press are having their cake and eating it.

The cause of this premature dash to the festive desert trolley? Why, French president Nicolas Sarkozy's dalliance with Italian-born, French-reared supermodel turned sultry songwriter Carla Bruni.

Talk about ticking all the boxes鈥� big style. Politics 鈥� check; glamour 鈥� check; celebrity 鈥� check and check again thanks to Ms Bruni's extensive list of former partners. Eric Clapton, Mick Jagger and Donald Trump to name just three.

The Guardian, Times and Telegraph give the story page 3 billing, but for the Independent that clearly is just throwing it away. It constructs a two-page feature based on the "life and loves of Carla Bruni", and ladles it on with some front-page billing.

But this is about much more than a pair of cheekbones that could shift several thousand additional copies at 500 yards. That would be an insult to the Indy's readership.

It's about intellectuals 鈥� look, there's a picture of Bruni with French philosopher Raphael Enthoven (you know鈥� the former son-in-law of that other French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy) and there's Ms Bruni's reminiscence from an earlier interview with the Indy of how, in the company of other models, she used to read Dostoyevsky shielded by a copy of Elle or Vogue. (Your two minutes on Crime and Punishment, Ms Bruni, starts now...)

It's about Ms Bruni's broad cultural tastes 鈥� from the Clash to von Karajan and how here left-wing politics might jar with M Sarkozy's more right-of-centre philosophies.

Paper Monitor can't help thinking how very Gallic this all is, and how unlikely it would be to see a Bruni-esque sort on the arm of a British prime minister. Had Gordon stayed single only to hook up with a British singer/model, who might it have been鈥� Victoria Beckham?

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Fifty-six per cent of diners will not ask the wine waiter for advice in case he recommends something too expensive, according to research by cheese maker Castello. The survey, of 1,000 restaurant-goers, revealed many suffer from "second cheapest wine syndrome" - rejecting the cheapest wine on the list to conceal their ignorance in front of waiters and friends.

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On the Random Stat - a lot of people think marriage is important - that's why they do it so many times.
Andrew, Malvern, UK

This being the year of the boar (Paper Monitor) in the Chinese calendar, politics is safe until the end of the year, but next year brings the year of the rat so beware.
Candace, New Jersey, US

I think after we need to think about harsher sanctions.
K Walker, Runcorn, UK

To the under 10s in the poll (in Monday's Daily Mini-Quiz) - Harry Potter is FICTIONAL. Therefore he cannot be famous.
Jon, UK

Re : another fabulous case of a person's name describing their job in "Jonathan Welfare".
Dr Toes, Carharrack

Why, Rebecca (Friday's letters), her head's right there on her shoulders. Can't you see it? What I want to know is, where is her left leg?
David Richerby, Leeds, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

There are a number of stressed figures in the public eye this week. Many will be looking for reassurance that they will escape the next seven days unscathed and make it through to Christmas with their sanity intact.

Where can they find this reassurance?

Why, in the pages of our esteemed tabloids鈥� horoscope columns, of course.

The enigmatic Italian Fabio Capello (born 18 June 鈥� Gemini) is due a stressful day with his unveiling as manager of the England team.

But the Yoda-like sage of the Daily Mail, Jonathan Cainer, advises that the stars say coffee is the answer.

"Have a double espresso. In fact, have two... Talk lots of nonsense at great speed. Make unnecessary moves." Hmmm, a very Italian solution.

Over at the Daily Express Justin Toper sounds a little cynical, with mysterious echoes of those who say Capello is a short-term mercenary.

"Obviously, you've prepared yourself to make a commitment, otherwise you wouldn't be talking... Is that the sound of wedding bells or cash tills?,鈥� he writes.

The Sun鈥檚 Mystic Meg has reassurance for a manager who was unceremoniously dumped by Real Madrid.

鈥淚t can feel risky to believe in love again but you are a relationships expert tonight.鈥�

Prime Minister Gordon Brown (born 27 June 鈥� Cancer) will be waiting to see the aftermath of the Basra handover and how it is going to impact on British deployment in Iraq. It is a tricky time.

The 1970s prog rock-haired Toper admits: "This isn't an entirely stress-free time." And Cainer concurs: "Almost every time you open your mouth, you will say something that upsets someone."

But over in the Sun, owned by Rupert Murdoch, who is reportedly a fan of Brown鈥檚 style, there are sweet words.

鈥淵ou are smart shrewd and ready to shine in all you do,鈥� says Mystic Meg

What of the badgerish Alistair Darling? The chancellor is due in the House of Commons to make a statement on the loss of discs full of personal details by the HMRC, and is also still reeling from criticism over Northern Rock. How will he fare?

Cainer sums up the situation perfectly. "Lately, you have begun to fear a situation is untenable."

But there are positive vibes from Toper. "The Sun close to Mercury in Sagittarius tends to make you more talkative... You may even stun others into silence today."

Paper Monitor can鈥檛 wait for this moment of serenity in the Commons bearpit.

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When they grow up, 82% of children would like to get married, according to a survey of 1,800 under-10s for National Kids' Day. They also say being happy is more important than being famous or rich.

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