Paper Monitor
12:14 UK time, Wednesday, 26 November 2008
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
It is time once again for our round-up of the celebrity private life news. With the names removed, obviously. We don't want anyone's privacy invaded.
In the Daily Mail, the television chef who's always swearing is pictured with his wife on the front (not the occasionally saintly sweary TV chef, but the marathon running one). Allison Pearson applies her mighty brain (University of Cambridge) to the state of said pan-flipper's marriage.
Flick to page three of the Daily Express and there's a picture of the winsome child belonging to the actor who believes thetans are attached to us, and the much younger actress. Apparently the thetan-believing actor actually likes his daughter being "papped". Hmmm.
Wrinkly tummies are the order of the day on page nine of the Sun. More specifically, the post-liposuction stomach of the reality star who slurs her speech when she goes on morning chatshows.
Elsewhere the paper tells us that the singer with the veiny forearms is happy living back in the US, and the other singer she once had a bit of a snog with is going on tour. And the pasty ladies man who dances with the famous people on the Ö÷²¥´óÐã is not a fan of the flat-footed former political correspondent.
The Daily Mirror zeroes in on the model who got in trouble the other year over allegations of non-prescription medicine use. She has a scratch on her cheek and her permanently knackered-looking boyfriend has a black eye.
Wandering into the august pages of the Daily Star, we see the memorable headline "X, lesbian romps and a blow-up doll...". X being the woman with the expanding and deflating breasts who met her husband in a jungle.
On an unrelated note, what is it with byline photos? In G2 Gareth Maclean's byline image fails to reflect his moustache revealed elsewhere in the paper. And in the Mirror, an image of the 3am girls with the man we all love who used to be in the Beatles bears not even a passing resemblance to their byline pictures.
The 
