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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Today we celebrate/savage the world of the sport page pun.

If newspaper puns are an endangered species, the sports pages of the red-tops can be thought of as some kind of huge and benevolent safari park where they can roam free of the threat of hunters.

On the back of the Daily Star is one that possibly doesn't deserve to live.

"One slip and it will be Villas-Goes"

So Chelsea's boss is Andre Villas-Boas, but from what Paper Monitor remembers of Portuguese lessons that really doesn't work.

The Daily Mirror has "McIlraw!" on a story about a Twitter kerfuffle involving Rory McIlroy.

The Sun has "Fowl, ref!" over a story about Blackburn Rover's owners Indian poultry firm Venky's putting the team's players in an advert.

But there's worse further in. A Stoke player scored a goal after three minutes and "It's threesy does it, Jon".

Lewis Hamilton talks about his succes and it's "I'm so Hamazing".

It might be time to stop protecting this species.

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1. Francis Rossi used to be an ice cream van man.
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2. Cheshire and Wensleydale cheeses are in 1086's Domesday Book.
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3. The lyrics of London Calling distill the gloomiest headlines of the 1970s.
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4. Prime numbers help cicadas avoid predators.
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5. Uganda's national anthem is the world's shortest.
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6. Northern people have bigger eyes.
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7. Apple has more money than the US government.
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8. Time travel looks unlikely.
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9. Human brains shrink with age but chimps don't.
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10. There are some Freuds who are not famous.
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Seen 10 things? . Thanks to James Crowe for this photo of 10 seagulls on the roof Moot Hall, Aldeburgh.

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Thanks Random Stat of the Day for . Now I have something to look forward to - January.
K Morrison, Lowestoft

I've been away from the wonderful world of The Monitor for the past two years for various reasons... what have I missed?
Robin (Glasgow), Glasgow

...actually, it's more like 4 years. Seriously, what have I missed?
Robin (Glasgow), Glasgow

"I'm 100% livid," says
City worker George Lewkowicz. "We're going to get more angry than we are now." Perhaps the economy wouldn't be in quite such a bad place if City workers had a better grasp of percentages?
David Richerby, Liverpool, UK

Surely that can't brie the last of the cheese jokes?
Anon

How do the Welsh eat their cheese? Caerphilly
Tom, Yorks

What do you call a cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.
Joe, UK

Monitor: Absolutely no more cheese jokes will appear on this page. Ever. Ever.

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed.

This week - as George Lucas loses his copyright case against a Star Wars props designer - Stormtrooper Paul French continues his 4,000km walk across Australia. He's raising money for the Starlight Foundation, which helps sick children.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Hugh McKinney
No, I am your father.

5. BaldoBingham
And when you join you get a copy of Darth Vader's book, Scouting for Droids

4. SurfingSharka
Then the bouncer said to me: ''No football shirts, no Imperial armour, no trainers"

3. Clarence_E_Pitts
You have failed me for the last time, Billy.

2. Candace9839
Your Mum contacted the Dark Star about your lack of attention to your homework.

1. clint75
Evolution has treated you well, Chewbacca

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So, Peter Jackson (reporter) manages to name-drop Peter Jackson (Hollywood mega-director). Smooth.
Basil Long, Nottingham

This story leaves the most obvious question unanswered. How did he get up there? (Cue middle class rant about standards of journalism at the Ö÷²¥´óÐã)
Andrew, Sheffield

National Anthem: Why not a competition to write a suitable fanfare/intro to God Save the Queen followed by the Elgar arrangement of the anthem? That would certainly "beef" things up!
Tim Taylor, London

Rusty, Steve-o and Alan (Wednesday letters): Yes but none of them give a sandwich orientated acronym. (suurely it must be lunch time sooon?)
Susan, Newcastle

Tom Webb (Wednesday's Letters) - groan! What is the best cheese with which to hide a small horse? Marscapone!
Jimlad, Paris, France

What cheese would you use to entice a bear out of the woods? Camenbert!
Jim, Crowborough

Monitor: That's enough cheese jokes. Forever.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor has just been brushing up on its legal knowledge this morning, so has its interest piqued by a little piece in the Independent.

The Daily Telegraph has just had to pay out monies after a libel claim by an author whose work was reviewed by Lynn Barber.

We won't go into the details of the case, which are a little complicated, but suffice it to say it's got the Indy excited. The paper rounds up some of the bits of biting criticism of the type it now thinks will bite the dust.

Paper Monitor has a few favourites of its own.

"Paint Never Dries," was the moniker given to Andrew Lloyd-Webber's Phantom sequel Love Never Dies. The West End Whingers blog was given the credit for this awesomeness.

Walter Kerr's response to the film I Am a Camera has also gone down in history. "Me no Leica" is the kind of thing that if Paper Monitor had thought of it, it would retire immediately afterwards.

On a marginally lower level of greatness is Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian. In , Bradshaw flirted with greatness while comparing it with Swept Away.

"As we watched Madonna sing "Come on over to my house" in that film, we thought: OK. This is on a level with 18th-century dentistry, but at least this is the lowest it can go... Oh how wrong. How very wrong. Because after Revolver, Swept Away now looks like Citizen Kane."

The central point is that negative reviews can be beautiful things. But obviously, you should never libel anybody.

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Paul from Cornwall (Tuesday letters), after the Extremely Large Telescope (ELT) comes the BGT - Bloody Great Telescope - which starts with a B.
Rusty, Montreal, Canada

It's the overwhelmingly large telescope (OWL). Yes, really. Acronymnal determinism?
Steve-o, Sheffield

Paul I of Cornwall, according to my email in tray, huge comes next.
Alan, Stockport, UK

I can't say that this woman seemed to me to be in much danger of being hit by a train. That red car, yes, but not a train.
Sue, London

How very disappointing. I expected Placido Domingo takes piracy role to be about Gilbert & Sullivan.
Heather Simmons, Macomb, Michigan, USA

I hate to sound somewhat naive, but what is a "dry diving area"? It sounds somewhat painful.
Basil Long, Nottingham

Anyone else alarmed at the thought of a "dry diving area" at the Olympic aquatic centre?
Libby, Coleford, Somerset

Will Self has apparently claimed that Londoners will perceive the Olympic Games in 2012 as "elitist, exclusive and stupefying". Perhaps I'm missing something, but isn't that the whole point?
Fi, Gloucestershire, UK

Is the national anthem too short? It's not short enough for me! I'm with Billy Connolly - let's have the theme to The Archers instead: "Someone's got tae save the Queen and God's the man tae dooo-it..."
Sue, London

What does a cheese say when it sees itself in a mirror? Halloumi!
Tom Webb, Surbiton, UK

How is it that she has a loan when her mother won $15m 20 years ago and $160k four years ago?!
Judith, Weybridge

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

It is no surprise to see the Middleton sisters wheeled out for two entirely different stories.

The Daily Express reported that Wills and Kate's nuptials had boosted income from merchandising and palace admissions to a record £41m.

But the Daily Star, noted for its keen appreciation of Keynesian economic theory, found a for the nation's sluggish growth: "Brit Recovery Bottoms Out! Pippa effect hits the economy."

The paper related that extra days off taken for the Royal Wedding had caused an economic "slump". Quite how the maid of honour's "pert rear" (the Star's words not Paper Monitor's) was responsible for disappearing economic growth was never explained.

The Daily Express carries on with its "crusade" to get Britain out of the EU. Today's offering is a piece arguing that the Brussels bureaucrats want to take our ice cream vans away.

On closer inspection it appears the paper is complaining about a new EU rule to ban dirty van engines. Just below the story, the paper celebrated the fact Cornish pasties have now earned protected status under EU law.

The paper chooses not to praise the European Commission for its wisdom in protecting local distinctiveness.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

Paper Monitor is not late today. Oh no, we're getting misty eyed about those fast disappearing beacons of provincial news - the evening paper.

The local papers are here with their own version of the silly season. "Owner of Asbo the dog is banned from having pets," reads a headline in the Nottingham Evening Post.

The relates how a man has been banned from keeping animals for six months after his Staffordshire Bull terrier attacked three other dogs. And yes, the dog really was called Asbo.

The that Tony Blair was back on Tyneside to campaign for his Sports Foundation, which encourages locals to take up sports coaching. Blair's interview was notable for his reluctance to endorse David Cameron's Big Society.

"We started the Sports Foundation three years ago, so it is certainly nothing to do with that," the former PM said.

Poverty is a relative term, , with more than a trace of irony. The paper was responding to media reports that had golfer Darren Clarke not won the Open recently his finances would have been in dire trouble - despite the fact he already owned a rather nice set of wheels.

"As Clarke's £175,000 Ferrari 612 Scaglietti, resplendent with its personalised '60 DC' number plate, growled into the car park at Killarney Golf and Fishing Club, it was clear the term 'cash-strapped' is relative."

The phone hacking scandal has taken a bizarre turn, with the news that former "Reds hero" John Aldridge had been snooped on by the News of the World.

"I had a phone call off the Met Police a couple of months ago saying my name had cropped up with some fella who had been hacking. It was a real shock."

Quite why this goal machine from the 80s was targeted was not revealed. Surely he's been forgiven for his boorish abuse of the fourth official at USA94? And that tash was a long time ago now.

Where would local papers be without some kind of spillage to report on. Right on cue the with the headline: "Aston University evacuated after chemical leak in eye hospital."

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It wasn't the nominative determinism that struck me about this story but what could possibly come after Very Large and Extremely Large? Hopefully it'll begin with a B.
Paul I, St G, Cornwall

Forget lengths in Olympic swimming pools or weights in bags of sugar. The new standard measurement is apparently the
Jennie, Leeds

"Obama blames Republicans on debt". Does that mean Republicans have come into existence because of debt? Bit tenuous.
Sarah, Basel, Switzerland

So this story has video about 'One of Kunming's fake Apple shops located in Kunming, which has not been shut down.' - a bit like the classic Morecambe and Wise sketch that features 'Grieg's Piano Concerto by Grieg'.
Martin, High Wycombe UK

Never mind, Lewis (quote of the day), we've been around as a nation for longer than they have.
Henri, Sidcup

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Not sure it fully qualifies as nominative determinism but this story about science, telescopes AND Henri Boffin ? Gold.
Eddie, Crawley

While I admit that a wide range of subjects would have been open to our friend Henri when he set out as a nipper, surely he's been shepherded along the path of nominative determinism?
Matt, Hove

Monitor: And thanks to the numerous others who also spotted this one.

Julie (Friday letters), I think it depends if the Speaking Clock went of its own free will. The record of ex-Brits doing time in Australia against their wishes is not always a happy one.
Lewis Graham, Hitchin

David (Friday letters), I have, er, a friend who is thinking of starting The Binary News Quiz club for people who regularly score 0 or 1. It only has 1 member at the moment, if your, er, friend wants to join that would make 10.
Bryan Poor, Oxford

With regards to this story and the quote at the end of the article, am I the only one who thought, sad as the story is, that they could have got all those moments and memories back by reorganising their wedding day (and sending the bill to the police)?
Julia, Birmingham, UK

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

The newspapers have had to make a decision with this morning's editions on whether or not to lead with the aftermath of the Norway killings or the death of Amy Winehouse.

For the "qualities", the Norway massacre has to be the lead story on the front. The Guardian, Daily Telegraph and Times leave some room on their fronts for a trail to the Winehouse coverage. The Independent has no sign of Winehouse at all on the front.

The red-tops all lead on Winehouse, and the Sun moves the page 3 girl further into the paper, as is usual when there are really big stories around. It has the first seven pages all about Winehouse.

Two of the most moving items are in the Sun. They have a shot of the singer, aged six, dressed up as Minnie Mouse and looking straight at the camera.

It sums up in a single image why people can care so much about the death of a single person.

The other item is Russell Brand on the subject of addiction and knowing Winehouse. The former addict reveals that he did not properly turn things around until he was 27.

The Daily Mail leads on Norway, and only the Daily Express goes it alone - leading on a pension story.

The main line on Norway is common to all the papers. Just what were the links to extremists in the UK?

On the subject of Norway, there's a fair degree of divergence in the leaders at least. The Times stresses the need for co-operation among Western governments to tackle terrorism. The Sun emphasises the need to keep intelligence agencies well-funded. But the Mail emphasises that the killer may really not have had a network of associates.

And the Independent concludes that it is hard to see how the Norwegian authorities could have done more to prevent the massacre.

The Express's leader writers don't find it worth mentioning at all.

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