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OK, perhaps the new perfume is a bit overpowering

With strike action looming, I said we needed someone to mediate

The sales staff were so hard of hearing they had been advised to become cotton buddists

"They're making a TV series about our founder" said the manager, and everybody fainted

You mean they really do sell fridges here? Cool!

My guru advised us to meditate somewhere quiet and peaceful, and, with sales currently so poor ...

Department snore

OK guys, then when were feeling really strong, we say "How much?"

After 10 minutes of motivational speaking, management decided a few training courses were in order...

You come here sane, and then you depart mental

OK, I'll phone A&E, and perhaps the girls on the perfume counter could refrain from spraying quite so much?

Oohhhmmm My God

Of course, we could have gone to Zen Lewis

And we call this room the Medi-Tate Gallery

What?! No tea cakes?

Fired? No, you're inspired!

Now I want you all to remain calm and relaxed, and meditate on the fact that there are only two pairs of Jimmy Choos left in stock

Lunch and yearn

Well, thank you all for turning up, but I'm afraid we only need nine for human skittles

Misprint in the staff newsletter. It should have said that the pay dispute was going to "group mediation".

Two, four, six, eight
Time to sit and contemplate

Retail therapy

It might be bad for business, but it was one hell of an office party last night

Just in from our Transcendental Division, actually.

Security staff moved quickly to remove the deaf beggar with the paper cup and sheet of cardboard

No, not a lot of reflect(ion) at all.

The new staff grooming policy to ensure hair is kept tidy did not go down well.

"You've all Jung very well."
"Thank you, Mr Grace."

The wait for the 8th Harry Potter book was getting unbearable!!

It's axiomatic of a successful trip the January sales, he who meditates has lost

"Consider the lily..."

And what is a joke?

As retail economics continue to flounder, marketing solutions turn to hypnotism.

It's not been the same since Deepak Chopra took over.

Clearly, Debbie at the front was a non-conformist

And, when I snap my fingers, you will all start to sell really well

Some of the non-elite athletes at the London Marathon had started to fall asleep before they got the nod to start running

We used to have problems and were serious. Now it's serious, but not a problem.

"Your eyelids are heavy, you cannot help but keep them closed. Your body is weighed down by the head as you sink, your neck folding inwards as you do. You're falling, deeper, deeper into the floor. Girls, you need to wear less make-up."

On a more positive note, the good news is, I've reached nirvana, so... every cloud. You're still thinking about the bad news aren't you?

This course in meditation should improve your self-awareness, your self-esteem, and your self-ridge

Any similarity between our mantras and those you may have seen or heard before are completely transcendental

Sally was hoping to elevate her existence onto a higher plane, and get a job a a lift girl

However, the class was thrown out when it was found they were learning how to reject material goods

Hands up all those who now want to appear on Gok Wan's 'How to look Good Naked'?

I am a swami from the Mystic East ... er, End

Entrants beware! All posts are reactively meditated.

I'm not asking you £100 for a lesson in meditation ... I'm not even asking £50! I'm only asking £25 for a whole course of meditation!

Delboy Trotter finally finds a way to fool all of the people all of the time

Come on everybody, we all know how it goes, "Oops Upside Your Head"!

The Zen Guru tried to help shoppers walk again after the shock of seeing the huge price reductions on offer

Our class today is in this department because any resultant changes to your well-being will be purely cosmetic

Floor manager regrets the choice of Bagpuss as store mascot.

If want to make the sale, you must become one with the consumer.

Diedre picked the wrong day to wear a mini skirt to work.

Gareth Malone was going to have his work cut out with this lot.

And remember with every Divine State sold, don't forget to add in the extended warranty of the Bluebird of Happiness.

Definitely NOT Gangnam style...

Customer: "No, I said, take forty WIGS..."

# UNEXPECTED ITEM IN COGITATING AREA #

How to discover your inner self-ridge

Okay, we're not leaving until I find out who sold me Veet as hair thickner!

Trancing in the aisles.

The first night shift was proving less than successful.

I they're meditating when they gather at Selfridges, what will they be doing when they gather at Ann Summers?

Staff at Selfridges may feel the need to meditate; those at Jessops have started praying.

If we're sitting comfortably we'll start with my favourite nursery tale, 'Baldilocks and the Three Hairs'

Retail conditions are such that staff are asked - even at this early stage - to meditate on their founder Harry Gordon Selfridge's catchphrase: "there are only 354 shopping days left until Christmas".

"The customer is always rite"

Nick Clegg discussing onesies meant a slow snooze day

"Ground floor: perfumery, stationery and leather goods.
Wigs and have a nap for free, catching Zs and snooze.... Wake up!"

If they're meditating when they gather at Selfridges, what will they be doing when they gather at Ann Summers? (correction to #65)

"No one is going home until the wise guy who stole my toupee owns up".

The retail sales picture has been slowing.......and slowing........and slowing..............

Sorry, my mistake, thought this was about the drug taking job at Comet - sell fridges and medicate!

It's never to early to queue for the Boxing Day sales.

Our Fathers,
Who aren't in Debenhams,
Hallowed be thy name.....

Sales staff undergo training ahead of the release of a brand new, luxury skin care product, to be marketed under the name of 'Beauty Sleep'.

You're a great audience..........I love coming here to the Aisle of White.

The producers of Mr Selfridge were stumped when, prior to recording their new series, continuity couldn't understand the problem with the displays

"No, I said I need some LADY assistants... Get up!"

Owing to further cost-cutting exercises, Guy's Hospital merges with a famous art gallery to form 'Medi-Tate'

Legless and unmoving - it's our tribute to Gerry Anderson

All of the staff were stunned that Skyfall had failed to receive a Best Film nomination

Perhaps the Government's idea of getting everyone off Disabled benefits and into work isn't such a good idea

Staff react badly to the news that Selfridge's is to be the Government's new super-prison

You should have all had your Christmas Bonus by now, so from tomorrow I want to see you ALL in your Onesies

You just heard that Cameron intends to stay in power for a loooong time - yes I know it's a shock but just chill out for a while and you'll be able to cope.

"The eyeshadow enhances your eyes, the lipstick fills out your lips and the blusher highlights your cheekbones". "remember it's not called the 'Make Up' counter for nothing"!

And, when I snap my fingers, you will all have legs made out of Haribo

And a final bit of advice - do not believe customers on benefits when they say there's a special range of cosmetics that's free for them

And the reason why we do this in the cosmetics department is that it saves a fortune in incense.

Excuse me,you at the very back.......yes,I can see you.........could you save that cheese sandwich for later......thankyou.

Ohm, manicure, powderme, ohmmmmmmmm

Time to kiss and make up!

All together now : "The wheels on the bus go round and round . . . "

OK,loves,the floor polisher is broken so on '3' it's squeeky bum time........1...2....

Steve Jobs in the afterlife

OK, it's not funny, it's not nice and no one is leaving until I find out where you hid the wig section.

Its OK, we can leave - Adele's stopped busking