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Sorry Spice

• Kim Lenaghan
• 29 Jun 07, 01:10 AM

It was a sad and sorry sight to behold. Five women, fast approaching middle age, dressed like your next door neighbour’s teenage daughter on the pull. Obviously I am referring to the much anticipated, at least by the tabloids, reunion of the Spice Girls. Yes, ‘girl power’ is back in business and the ‘girls’, I use the term advisedly, are back on the road, ‘zig a zig ah’-ing their way across the globe on a 25 date tour reportedly worth millions. Of course if, in addition to the money, you also factor in the conspicuous lack of success of their individual solo careers it’s easy to see why those wannabes par excellence wanna give it one last go.

So here they are once more, about to commit mass murder on music and even worse crimes against fashion. Indeed, looking at today’s photocall the style police must already be getting out their handcuffs.

Let’s start with Mel B, the one time ‘Scary Spice’ who now has a daughter with movie star Eddie Murphy – it’s ok to talk about it now, it was all sorted out in court. She obviously decided to opt for the ever popular Parisian streetwalker look – tight red satin skirt, black bustier, acres of cleavage – very classy. One thing, she has clearly lost all her baby bulges because not even ‘magic knickers’ could conjure up that shape. This is in direct contrast to ‘Baby Spice’ herself, little Emma B, who still has a baby onboard and no doubt with the prospect of a tour looming, will have her personal trainer and dietician with her in the delivery room. ‘Sporty Spice’ Mel C was always the least attractive one, proving that the world of pop is just like school. Pretty girls always have one plain friend to act as a foil, remind them how lucky they are, and prove to the world that they aren’t ‘looksist’! Actually I thought she’d improved significantly with age, but then how could she not when she used to wear nylon shell suits and have a pony tail!!

Ginger Geri has swapped her famous Union Jack mini for a floaty, Flake ad maxi dress. Honestly, I kept on expecting her to break into song with “Only, the crumbliest, flakiest chocolate….”. But naturally I have saved the lousiest to last! Oh, Victoria, Victoria how could you ever have been known as ‘Posh Spice’ – isn’t irony a wonderful thing – and is that why you are frequently being hailed by Heat and OK and Closer as some kind of fashion icon. Do the editors of these so-called celebrity magazines need to borrow David Blunkett’s guide dog, or are they blinded by the bull about ‘brand Beckham’. VB may think she has an individual style, which no doubt her best friends D&G (Dolce and Gabbana) and D&E (David and Elton) like to encourage her with, but there can be no excuse for going out in public in black sequinned trousers sprayed on to her stick thin legs and a strapless black top that only just remains within the bounds of decency – talk about baps out! Oh her poor sons! I also defy any woman that thin, she’s got to be at most a size zero, to tell me that those boobs are not surgically enhanced! Forget M&S, Derren Brown couldn’t create an illusion that good, and you could practically see the outline of the silicone. Best of all, and ever the eager self publicist, Posh managed to have several shots of herself draped in the ‘stars and stripes’, an excellent career move when you’re just about to relocate to the USA and have your sights set on Holywood.

Still, I suppose if it’s what they really, really want then they might as well get on with it… it's just that we’re all going to be so sick of seeing them by the time they get to their next acrimonious split. Bring it on I say!

Oh, and before I finish my rant, I would just like to move effortlessly from pop to politics and say to Sarah Brown, wife of new PM Gordon, bin the cream and red suit. I know I implied that the Spice Girls had a touch of the slutty mutton about their reunion wardrobe, but it’s just as bad to be prematurely mumsy and middle aged. Remember, fashion faux pas are just as easy to commit at number 10 as they are at number 1…just ask Cherie or Cher, both fine examples.

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