Off the Menu
- 13 Sep 07, 01:45 AM
It’s enough to give you indigestion! What I’m referring to is that nightly serving of culinary chaos from the latest series of tv’s Hell’s Kitchen. In terms of the recipe nothing much appears to have changed, but the quality of the ingredients has definitely gone from gourmet to garbage.
The so-called ‘celebrity’ chefs include one time pop star Paul Young – ah, remember the 80’s; Big Brother winner Brian Dowling – to remind you, he was the gay, Irish one; Anneka Rice – who has obviously realised she’s too old to jump out of jeeps and helicopters but still wants to be on telly; and then there are a couple of those ‘Heat’ magazine type girls who are ‘wags’ or appear on tv soaps or something – I have no idea who they are. Even less believable, former world champion and local hero Barry McGuigan has swapped boxing gloves for oven gloves (but is still lovely); and then there is ‘comic’ – I use the term loosely – Jim Davidson, and more of him in a moment.
They are all chopping, sweating and sautéing under the watchful eye of another reputedly bad boy chef, Marco Pierre White. But if you were expecting fireworks from him forget it! This is a man who has clearly had a charisma bypass, apparently almost never swears in the kitchen and doesn’t seem to have raised his voice once. God, it really is like watching cream curdle. Oh how I long for Gordon Ramsay’s foul mouthed outbursts! As for sex appeal, well, MPW wears a napkin as a sweat band round his head and has this kind of Worsel Gummage straw stuff poking out underneath – I can only assume it’s too many years set at gas mark 7.
But let me return to Jim Davidson who now, thankfully, has left the kitchen which had clearly gotten way too hot for him. Misogynistic, homophobic, sexist, control freak – and those are just his better qualities – he made Jade Goody look like Mother Theresa. And talking of irredeemably unpleasant men, one of the only truly entertaining moments to date was when MPW sent the odious John McCrirrick packing for daring to send back his soup – ok, so Marco isn’t all bad.
Actually, I generally find the most enjoyable part of the programme to be Angus Deayton’s ascerbic asides. I have no idea whether he scripts then himself or some clever scribe does it for him, either way, his delivery and timing are impeccable and he has just the right amount of smugness. So saying all of that, isn’t it time that Angus was finally allowed a passport back from television Siberia - I can’t even remember any more what the scandal was that froze him out in the first place, some sexual indiscretion I think, but whatever the crime he’s done the time and ‘Have I Got News For You’ was never the same without him.
Now, talking of doing time ….I happily would to remove Nigella Lawson from our television screens. I was never a big fan anyway, frankly I don’t think she can actually cook and her recipes are rubbish, but the latest series ‘Nigella Express’ is even more appalling than usual. It is nothing more than the daily diary of some posh, rich, Chelsea housewife who manages to fit in a spot of cooking in her busy social calendar. Now, Nigella is a beautiful and glamorous woman, of that there is no doubt, but she really has become a complete parody of herself. All that “oh this chocy mousse is just sooooo delectably scrummy” stuff as she suggestively licks her fingers – not for nothing was the phrase ‘food porn’ coined for Nigella – or the Ab Fab style “sweetie, darling this whole fabulous feast only took me 15 minutes to cook from scratch” as some middle aged, slightly portly and very rich dinner guest replies sympathetically “Oh darling how do you manage it all after a hard day’s work!” Don’t make me laugh!
Do you know, when I watched the programme a couple of nights ago I actually kept expecting impressionist Ronni Ancona to pop out from under a Nigella mask. Talking of faking it – that kitchen she uses isn’t even hers, apparently it’s some sort of tv set in a unit on an industrial estate. Hardly surprising really as her multi, multi, multi millionaire husband Charles Saatchi probably has Tracey Emin’s unmade bed next to the cooker at home – now that really would be Hell’s Kitchen! So, Nigella - phoney and sloaney – a fatal combination.
But if you do want wonderful recipes for fine food to cook at home then look no further than Radio Ulster. Each week on the Saturday Magazine Paula McIntyre delivers delectable dishes with equal portions of humour and down to earth know how. I’d love to see her in Hell’s Kitchen – Marco Pierre White wouldn’t know what had hit him!
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