Get me out of here I'm a …..
- 20 Nov 07, 11:55 PM
What? A CELEBRITY??? Don’t make me laugh!! Clearly the makers of ITV's nightly jungle challenge did not bother themselves with such petty dictionary definitions before casting the current series. Now, I know it has never exactly attracted the cream of showbiz talent past and present – think Tony Blackburn and Kerry Katona - but this time around can Christopher Biggins really the biggest thing in the jungle? “Sa-fari so good-i”! Mmm, he is quite plump I suppose, and if I were him I would be fearful of my life, lest a series of unsuccessful Bushtucker Trials turn his fellow campers cannibal. At least that chef who loves himself, John Burton Race, would know how to cook him.
And so to the usual stereotypes....as well as former tv chef and old joke bloke, we have ex-boy band member, ex-tv soap actors – male and female, ex-tv makeover show expert, ex-reality tv show contestant, ex-pop singer – are you noticing the connection here? Some of them you’ve never heard of, others you can just about remember if you dredge the deepest recesses of your memory. Of course you can understand exactly why they’re doing it, a bit of a kick start for the old career. But a note of caution…this week’s jungle celebrity is next week’s Iceland ad!
Then there are the variables, the quirky eccentrics, the kind of characters that make you wonder what on earth they were thinking of to sign up to something so undignified. In the role of big mouthed, bolshy American who’s had far too much cosmetic surgery, a role previously filled by David Guest, we now have Janice Dickinson. Who indeed? Apparently, according to Janice, she was the world’s first supermodel and has dated everybody from Jack Nicholson to Warren Beatty – not that much of a recommendation given their respective score cards…female with a pulse being sufficient criteria, and a faint pulse at that.
In the barking mad, mouthy, late middle aged lady corner, formerly occupied by Janet Street Porter, Jan Leeming and Carol Thatcher, we now have one time pr guru now feminist earth mother Lynne Franks. This is the woman who, speculation has it, was at least part of the inspiration for the character of Edina in Ab Fab. Enough said!
Finally, as the camp’s resident Mr Grumpy, very much in the style of Del Boy meets Victor Meldrew, we have former soccer star, playboy and very good buddy of our own George Best, Mr Rodney Marsh. Could it be he needs the money after all that high living? What else could lure him into a pantomime like this at his age. Indeed, tonight he fell and hurt his knee, hitting the deck very much in the style of one of those Football Italia players, years of practice I suppose. But somebody really does need to tell him to be careful - it’s a jungle out there.
Of course, people being people, after a week they’ve fallen into little groups, all bitching and back biting about one another, with stand up rows and threats of physical violence. There are rats, spiders, scorpions, more maggots than you could shake a stick at, so many creepy crawlies you want to retch…but most stomach churning of all has to be the very man made jungle romance between the bloke who used to be on Eastenders forever ago and one time sweetheart of the valleys, Cerys from Catatonia – more like catatonic. If anybody watching that gets sick don’t blame it on the bush tucker!
There are times when the whole show gets so cringe makingly awful that I really do want to scream at Ant and Dec, whom I love, “I’m an audience, get me out of here!” But I can’t. This is car crash television. I’m transfixed. I’m fascinated. I’m hooked. Tomorrow night is the first eviction and, whilst I hate to disillusion you all, over the next 24 hours this will be the chief topic of conversation among me, my friends and colleagues.
The power of television is a wonderful thing. A week ago I neither knew nor cared who these people were. A week after the series is over I will feel exactly the same way. They may not be celebrities but for now, at least, bring on the cockroaches and entertain me!
The 主播大秀 is not responsible for the content of external internet sites
Comments?? Post your comment
These celebrities are just desperate for money and fame.
Desperate people read about them and real celebrities with clout make art and movies that we can actually think about.
Tacky tacky tacky.
In the old days they'd join a circus!
Complain about this post