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And then there was that cos it looked like a skateboard park. Oh, get over yourselves and get on with it - like and and even did throughout the week.

I though it was a brilliant Championships - a true test of a golfer's spirit and will to win. When Rich Beem (who sounds like a crappy brand of instant coffee) and cos they were just too bloody feeble to cope I was outraged. If you don't want to do 18 holes of the Open then I'll have a go. I wouldn't care if I made as big a score as a , I'd still stick it out. Next year, Lyle and Beem can give their places to someone who gives a chip.

While Harrington was magnificent, striding across the greens like a really quite perky duck, Greg Norman was the story of the week. It was love that made him play so well, you know. Me, I've asked Maria Sharapova if she wants to pop down the Blue Bell for a couple of pints in the hope that she'll play a round with me. You'd have no trouble dispersing a crowd .

Norman didn't look any different, did he? He's never 53. He's been sleeping in a cryogenically frozen state , surely. He's ridiculously Australian, like a Crocodile Dundee of the fairways. You can imagine him shooting 63, climbing into the back of a "ute" so's he can shear off the fleece of an errant ewe and ripping open a stubby on the teeth of his pet crocodile. There's another thing hasn't much changed either. Cough! Splutter! Choke!

. It's hard to make out a case for Poulter as anything other than a bit of a pillock but he almost turned that around yesterday. Underneath the visor and sunglasses and the is a decent player fighting to get out. is always going to haunt him though. Frankly, it's preposterous - Woods wouldn't have bottled the eagle putt on the 17th.

Second source of nothing short of rage is the selection of this nobody, Pattinson, for England. Three good reasons for not picking him: one, he's not played much cricket here; two, he's 29 so hardly one for the future; three, he's Australian and never gave a single thought to playing for us, ever in his life. Oh and four, he's plainly not much cop and not playing in this Test match are Hoggard, Harmison, (a scandal he wasn't picked), Jones, Onions, Shrek... hellfire I mean FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!

Furthermore Ambrose batting at 6 is a TOTAL JOKE! He shouldn't be in the side let alone promoted up the order. Five bowlers so we can protect Freddie and he bowls 40 bleeding overs anyway. Five batters including ? Geoff Miller needs his head seeing to. Not a man on this planet who would have selected that XI.

Third little scab that keeps getting picked at is this: Daniel Levy pays peanuts for this Palace youngster and then rails at United and for being hypocrites. Yes, Ferguson may be operating on a double standard re: and (though he denies making the comments which angered Spurs), but frankly you have to wonder what the hell constitutes tapping up these days! If you want to sign a player the first person clubs talk to these days is his agent, not his chairman. Is that tapping up? If you go through the club and the club says 'keep your filthy paws of our Dimi!' should that be the end of the matter? It never is, is it? Football is full of unbelievable hypocrisy. I wonder why SAF slags off Madrid when his pin-up prima donna is the one telling all who'll listen that he's off.

Yes, it's bloody infuriating for Levy but signing footballers these days is simply a matter of dangling fat wads of dough under people's noses until the greedy little gits bite. Loyalty is a thing of the past and if Levy thinks he can stop a player like Berbatov from going up north on the back of a Carling Cup win then he's ga-ga. I hate to break this to you, Dan, but them threepenny bits that were put under your pillow when you were seven years old? Your Mum did it.

Meanwhile, I can't wait for the ! All we need is a light breeze and the Americans will just hand it over while they put on their anoraks and hide in the clubhouse.