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"But why me? Despite my legendary status in the local area I've got no experience at the top level!"

"That makes you perfect. This won't be at the top level, not for years," he assured me.
I scanned this man closely as he necked another pint. Suspiciously non-Geordie accent, dark clouds raging above his head. Could this be serious?

"Look," he said, grabbing the lapels of me Blue Harbour polo-shirt (present from the wife), "it's you or , okay?"

Clearly this man was an imposter. There's no way anyone would have O'Leary as manager. No way. And all this after I'd been coming down from the elation of the .

Doughty hard-nosed visitors, eager young kids dashing to and forth and a strike-force with as all the genuine teeth of an old folks' home. That and the manager trotting out the same old clichés. It's like we've never been anyway.

The highlight of Gareth's kindly post-match interview was the phrase "We didn't work their goalkeeper enough". Indeed, Gareth. There's enough unemployment up here already without giving their stopper a day off.

Then again, , even if it does come with the obligatory Joey Barton sideshow. Whispers are that there's been a training-ground bust-up. With Joey? Surely not! Given the Bar-codes are trying to save a bit of cash, can't they just offload the Scouse snapper to somewhere? Anywhere?

Personally I think he should spend the winter working on one of them animal parks where they let the keepers wander around in the big cat enclosures. Mind, it'll only be days before the tigers are off to the zoo manager to ask if they can have someone less spiteful cleaning out the cage.

Any road, I've decided to turn the Newcastle job down. Not least cos I've got these fourth day Headingley tickets to flog.

Come on, it could be entertaining. Boycs will still be there late into the evening sounding off about what a shambles our lot were. Also that Geoff Miller's been sniffing around asking me about my availability for the number three batting position for the Oval. Or the number four or the number five.

Maybe the offer was on the back of my almost clairvoyant cricket blog on Thursday, when I said they shouldn't pick Bopara or Bell and that maybe they should just forget about Fred for the time being.

Mind you even Nostrodamus couldn't've predicted the batting performance of . I half-expected Brian Hanrahan to be at the bottom of the steps on Friday morning as England collapsed, saying "I counted them all out and I've counted them all back in again."

Bopara wafts his bat around like a Jubilee day pensioner with a Union Jack, Bell pokes nervously at every ball like a very junior clerk hovering in the doorway of the boss's office. You'd expect Colly to dig in, but not to be rooted to the spot.

And the bowlers were no better. Harmison had a bright start and then retreated to his default method of the last four years: big lanky knackered dollop babying short balls into the hitting zone of the opposition. The only plus has been Broad. (And Swanny with the bat of course).

So where now for the selectors?
Everyone's . It's possible. He looks good for 58-years old. Personally, I'd get Goughie in as well. Then when the Ashes are handed back at 2.30pm on the third day, they can bung some rumba on the PA and the boys can shake their booties for a bit of late entertainment.

There's some people suggesting we could press-gang Trezza into a return. The bloke has the guts to own up to a serious medical condition, but we'll ignore that and twist his arm anyway.

Seriously though, Bell and Harmison can forget about wearing even the one lion ever again. They've had their chances. Trott'll be in for the next match. They'll need another. Ramps would be fine I reckon for a one-off. This is the Ashes after all. I've heard folk say that's a bit desperate. You saw the batting at Leeds. That's desperate.

Flintoff will be playing, no doubt, if we can only find that six million dollars to rebuild him. I hear he said he was fine to play on Friday morning. But then, you know what, on the odd night when I find myself in the company of a couple of twenty-something beauties I tell anyone who'll listen how I could make a major and lasting contribution if asked. Sometimes your best friend is not the man in the mirror. (Crikey, have I just quoted Michael Jackson?)

If they need two spinners at The Oval, I'd go for the lad Rashid. As long as they promise to be nice to him if he gets clattered to all parts.

Strauss, Cook, Ramps, Trott, Colly, Prior, Flintoff, Broad, Swann, Rashid/Sidebottom, Anderson.

I have to own up to feeling a bit of pleasure for . It's surprised me. I don't reckon much on him as a skipper but the man has conducted himself brilliantly all series and his team deserves to be 1-1.