Robbo's dodgy elevenses
It'll soon be time for various gongs and trophies to be handed out and, more often than not, only the game's finest receive the recognition they deserve.
It is with this in mind that I offer up, in consultation with some petty and vindictive pals down the Blue Bell, a few alternative first XIs for this Premier League season.
I look forward to receiving alternatives from your wise, warped brains.
Words cannot describe how bad Burnley's season has been
The 'Call Yourself A Professional Footballer - Pull Your Blinking Finger Out' XIThe players who couldn't beat your granny in a one-on-one. The players whose wage packets are inversely proportional to their ability.
1. Manuel Almunia: Qualified for England and worse than ever - that Barca game apart.
2. Paulo Ferreira: I doubt he expected to get a kick this season and he's lived up to that expectation even when he starts for Chelsea.
3. Emiliano Insua: Couldn't defend a sandcastle from an incoming toddler.
4. Clarke Carlisle: Nice bloke - bright too - but too often he's just consonant-consonant-vowel-consonant.
5.Titus Bramble: Some bloke wrote a book called Titus Groan - could've been written for Bramble, although he took his goal well against the Gunners.
6. Mikael Silvestre: Arsenal, Man U, France - it's a miracle. Has he got Derren Brown working for him?
7. Lucas Leiva: Maybe he's cursed by being that rare combination of Brazilian and average.
8. Jermaine Jenas: Not around much this year... so no change there.
9. Alberto Aquilani: Signed for £17m, plus add-ons - the add-ons being the medical bills.
10. Johann Elmander: Plays with his back to goal, even when he's facing it. Hopeless.
11. David Ngog: There's a new Monopoly board game set at Anfield and one of the Chance cards says: 'Go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass to Ngog'.
Manager: Roberto Mancini (if Bobby Manc fails to lead City to the promised land of the Champs League).
The 'I Thought You Were Past It But Fair Dos' XI
The codgers, in other words:
1. David James: There's still a case for him starting ahead of Robert Green in the World Cup.
2. Gary Neville: Got back to fitness by imagining himself trapped at the end of a cul-de-sac by Liverpool fans.
3. Jody Craddock: Solid, reliable, full of moral fibre - an all-bran of a centre-back.
4. Sol Campbell: Freakishly good on his return to the big time - well, to Arsenal, anyway.
5. Kevin Kilbane: Never been a world-beater, but has that thing we fans crave - a good engine.
6. Graham Alexander: It only seems like yesterday that Walter Winterbottom included Graham in his England squad.
7. Paul Scholes: After the snog from GNev I doubt we'll see him score again. What a player.
8. Danny Murphy: Another quietly efficient season - he's like a reasonably well-off man's Xabi Alonso.
9. Kevin Phillips: All right, he's only played a sum total of seven-and-a-half-minutes, but he's not forgot a thing, has he?
10. Ryan Giggs: Ryan was Sports Personality of the Year - and he is a good sportsman, isn't he?
11. Damien Duff: Reborn at the Cottage, despite a pledge to stick with it at St James' Park.
Manager: Sir Alex Ferguson.
The 'I Thought You Were Pants But Fair Do's XI
1. Heurelho Gomes: (Or indeed Paul Robinson or Craig Gordon).
2. Gary Neville: Still a bit of life in the old dog when the Brazilian Pokemon twins aren't available.
3. Gareth Bale: Remarkable transformation, the simian left-back is one of the most dangerous players in the division.
4. Sebastian Bassong: It's hard to imagine any Newcastle defender from last season could be up to much, but he's done OK.
5. Charles N'Zogbia: Another ex-Toonite, he's over the sulks and top-notch.
6. Florent Malouda: Couldn't believe he got to stay at the Bridge, but a few braids later and he's one of the best players there.
7. Dirk Kuyt: I bow to his work-rate.
8. Darren Bent: Facts are he's scored half of Sunderland's goals - which surprisingly is a lot more than eight.
9. Bobby Zamora: Unrecognisable from the lummox at Spurs - he's been undeniably brilliant.
10. Cameron Jerome: A bit of a pace-over-product merchant, but Brum's good season has a lot to do with him leading the line.
11. Darren Fletcher: (See Dirk Kuyt).
Manager: Roy Hodgson.
Lips don't lie - Neville features on three of Robbo's listsThe 'I Thought You Were Overrated And I Was Right' XI
1. Peter Cech: Can hardly catch a cold these days)
2. Gary Neville: Forget what I said earlier - one-paced and tiresome.
3. Wayne Bridge: After all the shenanigans about not playing for England, doesn't look like we'll miss him after all.
4. Michael Carrick: There is some kind of killer blow missing in Carrick - it's like he's a Geordie Tim Henman or summat.
5. John Terry: Could be outpaced by an overfed tortoise.
6. Geovanni: Remember him? Used to score spectacular goals when Mr Brown was in town and the future was orange.
7. Anderson: Have never seen him look like he knows what he's doing. Ever.
8. Jon Obi Mikel: Apart from giving away stonewall penalties and getting away with it, what does he offer?
9. Jason Scotland: You're a goalscorer, you're called Scotland. How's that ever going to work?
10. Kenwynne Jones: Looks imposing 'til he lets another sitter through his legs, when he looks like a bow-legged flamingo.
11. Michael Owen: Not entirely his fault, but the man needs to get working on his punditry persona quick-smart.
Manager: Rafa Benitez
We were trying to think of the 'Most Irritating XI You Could Put Out on a Premier League Pitch' and we suddenly became aware that you should do worse than name England's starting XI: Cashley, JT, Rio, Gerrard in tumbling mode, Shaun Cul-de-Sac Wright-Phillips... so we stopped doing that list there and then.
Just think how insufferable they'll be if the unthinkable happens...
P.S. You can (at last)
I'm Derek Robson. People call me Robbo. Legend has it I was raised in the furnace and smog of Teesside. Some might say I took the hard road. I like to tell folk I had trials for Middlesbrough, for Hartlepool and for burglary (not guilty). I've always loved sport. My job is to say it as I see it - whether it's in the bar of the Blue Bell or on this blog. You won't find me calling a spade a soil-redistribution implement.
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