主播大秀

Mark

ROOM 101 鈥� LIVING THE NIGHTMARE: MY STORY

I鈥檝e just had the most dreadful weekend. I started feeling unwell on Friday morning, really, really out-of-sorts. Self-diagnosis is a bit of a hit-or-miss affair, I thought, as I mulled over possible reasons for feeling poorly; had the drink gotten to me at last or was it just a touch of PMT (pining for Margaret Thatcher), I wondered? Nothing so prosaic. Mark, you鈥檙e not going to believe this one but last Friday we were all part of an Orwellian Experiment that was designed to test how quickly the responses of people to a ridiculous water charging proposal could be manipulated and controlled. In effect, Northern Ireland became a gigantic Room 101 where, under the direction of 鈥渄ark forces of which we know little鈥� (probably MI5 in Hollywood on behalf of FM/DFM) a programme of intense behaviour modification techniques was launched against an unwitting citizenry. I鈥檝e pieced together what happened, so let me explain.

Friday morning started off like any other morning: up early, quick shower, radio tuned to Good Morning Ulster鈥檚 Wendy and Seamus (Hiccup & Heartburn), to the scullery for gallons of strong tea and a smoke. Happy days for me. Little did I know that The Orwellian Experiment had already begun.

鈥淕ood news about water charges, customers will only pay 拢120 a year instead of the 拢334 envisaged under Direct Rule and that鈥檚 not until 2009,鈥� I heard someone say on the radio about a report on water charges by Professor Hilyard, Queen鈥檚 Academic and all round good egg. 鈥淕reat,鈥� I thought to myself, 鈥渢hank God we鈥檝e got an Assembly putting things right at last.鈥� Some short time later, a representative from the GCC trilled that the new charges were a 鈥渨in-win鈥� for customers. Not to be outdone, a male ICTU representative beat his way down to Ormeau Avenue to express his utter delight about the new charges and to laud the genius of Professor Hilyard and his report. Other worthies queued up to express similar sentiments. Throughout the day the 主播大秀 News Bulletins and 鈥榩hone-ins paraded members of the public to say how pleased they were with the report鈥檚 findings. Not one of them mentioned that as recently as last May the Parties had pledged there would be no water charges under a local administration. Fair enough, there was the odd dissenting voice, including and, most amazingly, the lugubrious Michael McGimpsey, but they were soon steamrollered; no, almost everyone agreed that water charges were a good thing. Incredibly, most people also overlooked the fact that the much-bandied-about figure of 拢120 will be on top of the 拢160 that we are already contributing 鈥� an increase of 75%. Looking back to Friday, it is clear that The Orwellian Experiment was a stonking success which will please the Authorities.

Finally, Mark, you鈥檒l be pleased to know that I鈥檓 feeling much better today as I recover from my time in Room 101. The physical scars will heal over time but where is the remedy for the ongoing betrayal of the people by the Authorities who are everybody鈥檚 worst nightmare?

Susie
Carryduff