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At The Risk of...... being DCM'd
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Message 1.Ìý
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
I can't be @rsed to change my name,for things more personal
Just going to vent.
Ever get the urge just to put your shoes on and keep on walking.....for ever,and ever ,just walk away from everything,including your children,just walk away from life ?
Pointless post -
Message 2
Posted by strawberrysunrise (U10452397) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
yes it's a normal feeling,
life is always going to feel overwhelming because most people push themselves or are push to the limit, until a alarm bell goes off which is an indication to release some pressure,if you ignore the alarm bell sometimes things blow up under pressure.listen for your alarm bells and take action to avoid blowing up. -
Message 3
Posted by sweet-rocket (U11357111) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
My mum used to say 'I could run a million miles away' when she was particularly at the end of her tether. I never understood why until I grew up and acquired responsibilities.
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Message 4
Posted by Doodlysquat (U13738858) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Not pointless at all darling. Much as I adore the Dearly Beloved there are times when walking off into the moonlight has a certain charm. You sound a bit desperate at the moment. Not much I can say to make a difference but I can connect with what you say.
suze -
Message 5
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:15 GMT, in reply to noracarrot in message 1
Stop the world, I want to get off? The short answer is 'Yes.' The long answer is 'Yes, very often, but it won't actually solve the situation or problem, just remove me from the equation, leaving others to clear up the mess.'
Chin up, petal. -
Message 6
Posted by geepers (U6804393) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:36 GMT, in reply to E. Yore in message 5
I remember mum going as far as putting her coat on once - all of us in floods, of course, and her saying the only thing she'd miss was her sewing machine. She didn't go, obviously, but I'd never really realised mums could get upset like that.
Wub you, darl. Lots. -
Message 7
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Just some thoughts...
(1) I met a psychiatrist working at a psychiatric hospital on the West coast of Wales. They apparently get a lot of people in a fugue state who've run for it until they encountered the sea. Do you want to go anywhere in particular, or do you just want to run away?
(2) A friend of mine did a runner from a psychiatric hospital in Scotland. She was found at the opposite side of the country, thanks to her mobile. How would you feel if you were found? Angry or relieved?
(3) One time when I was rather paranoid, I decided to run away. I packed my rucksack and turned up on my friends' doorstep asking where to go. They fed me and took me home. Do you really want to run away, or do you just want a little kindness then to go home? -
Message 8
Posted by avrille (U7534019) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Yes. I walked out of work last week, cos I perceived I was being treated as a dogsbody, which I was not employed to be. Stupid really, as work is the high light of my life (moi? sad? oui!)
I hasten to add, I have never ever said 'That's not in job description'. Work is my refuge from home.
I am Irina, 20 years down the line.......
av xxx -
Message 9
Posted by tinners-hare (U9904261) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Oh, NorZ, have a ((hug)) from me.
Yes, I have felt the urge and it's not pleasant.
I don't wish in any way to sound as if I am trying to 'fix' you.....but is there any way you can 'escape' in a controlled fashion? Maybe a day away or even an afternoon doing exactly as you please, doing something you'd love to do?
If possible (and if finances allow) a week-end away alone might do the trick and you may even feel eager to get home come Sunday morning.
I don't know your circs so sorry if I've spoken out of turn. -
Message 10
Posted by ThisLizzie (U5294918) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
noracarrot,
I do sympathise with you. Sometimes I just want to go as far away as possible - from everyone and everything to a place where I could just BE. -
Message 11
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Can't Sunny.Connective or not..I'll never let go of my children's hands.
I also did a runner from being incarcerated .
There's no mates out there.
Lovely *mates* ...but nobody here. -
Message 12
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
In reply to noracarrot in message 1
Wow - 8 responses from 8 different posters in one hour - looks as if you asked a question relevant to a /lot/ of people, so most certainly NOT a pointless post!!
And my answer is 'yes'. As E.Yore said, the 'stop the world, I want to get off' kind of feeling.
Several years ago, I did that (putting on shoes and carrying on walking). It lasted for 2 hours - late at night (I remember cars hooting at me as I was walking on dark country roads). In the end, a phone-call brought me back. It was quite scary as I really am not prone to that kind of behaviour! The trigger for it was something seemingly innocuous: DS had been having a really difficult time at school, and OH came back home and /never/ /even/ /asked/ /how/ /he/ /was/ . It sounds so silly to now, but it just shows how the stress builds up and then can be overwhelming. -
Message 13
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
There's no mates out there.
Lovely *mates* ...but nobody here.Ìý
Then your next step towards running away is to find some way of meeting other RL people so that you have people to run away to when it all gets on top of you, and in the meantime, keep running away here if it helps.
Are your children of an age where they need looking after all the time or can you dispatch them to the park or cinema or something and have some time to yourself? -
Message 14
Posted by Babs (U12089863) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Yes, yes, yes, and there's only me here!
The amount of times I've thought how nice it'd be to just s0d off to the Outer Hebrides; just me, the dog, the cats, and the piano.
And the puter, 'course. -
Message 15
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Yes noracarrot- I have had that same urge many times over the years..But what would always stop me is my children. I just couldn't leave them without their mum (useless as she may be at times)no matter how low I was feeling.
(Depends on the age of your children of course.) -
Message 16
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:14 GMT, in reply to noracarrot in message 1
Noracarrot, commiserations. I sometimes just want to crawl under my duvet and stay there. There are times when every request, every person in contact (even the nice ones) feels like they are eating your heart and drinking your blood. I like E.Yore's notion of "Stop the world, I want to get off.' It's actually very difficult to do, isn't it?
I was struck by this article in yesterday's Grauniad, by my favourite author (something of a heroine of mine) Margaret Drabble. She writes about walking as cathartic therapy. And there are all sorts of tales of writers walking, obsessively: Dickens walking from London to Kent one night is famous. And I have a colleague who knows all the walks Wordsworth took in the Lake District as he was writing and composing. Peripatetic art.
-
Message 17
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:18 GMT, in reply to Redbookish in message 16
BTW, I also just wanted to note how sad I think it is that we now have the phrase "at the risk of being DCM'd" -- /not/ a criticism of you, Nora, just sadness about how DCM may be feeling ... -
Message 18
Posted by geepers (U6804393) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:25 GMT, in reply to Pepita Ocho in message 15
Norz has made it clear she wouldn't leave her children. -
Message 19
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Gosh geepers- I wasn't suggesting she might do such a thing. I was talking generally when I used 'your'..
Re. being 'DCMd. I've had a look at that thread, and I wouldn't say DCM was treated badly in any way. She expressed what appeared to be deep unhappiness and people tried to help.(Inevitably when people offer advice or ideas some will be further from the mark than others.)
What made that thread so unusual was the way DCM reacted to other people's contributions and suggestions, not the way other people responded to the OP's apparent plea for help/description of her feelings.
I do hope DCM is feeling happier now and realises how many people care for her on this board. -
Message 20
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Quite, Red...it wasn't meant in the the least to be be rude to DCM..can't be that person.
I'm leaving my family for a walk.........they can get on with supper....I'm going to get some fags and fresh air . -
Message 21
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:50 GMT, in reply to noracarrot in message 20
.it wasn't meant in the the least to be be rude to DCMÌý
Oh no, I didn't want to suggest /at/ /all/ that you were. It was a more general, sad observation. -
Message 22
Posted by Hebe (U1477254) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 18:54 GMT, in reply to Redbookish in message 16
yup, or crawl under my desk at work and curl up so no-one can see me.... or just getting in my car and driving and driving. -
Message 23
Posted by Oz (U6102444) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Being part of a family is never easy but when you are the fulcrum it is so much harder.
I have never met a Mum that hasn't wanted to leg it.
I have loads of times, still do at times.
I don't know how old the children are , I suspect young but ease up on yourself and ask those that can help to do so. OH for example.
Enjoy your walk and remember that you can leave them to it at times.
You are feeling lonely and isolated petal.
Arrange to do something for you.Make it a regular thing. -
Message 24
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Another one here checking into say you are not alone.
Once when the sprogs were small and everything I did revolved around them, (and MrM works away a lot), we went out for the day and I had a very strong vision of me jumping on my bike and swooping off just like my 12 year old self used to.
And then there was the Mothers Day were I just had enough of the teenage mega strop at the very idea that a whole day, or even part of it could be devoted to me, so I got in the car and boogered off!
Regularly have had strops about being the household skivvy too, and wanted to push all the walls over and just run.....
xxxxx (((hugs)))) -
Message 25
Posted by Doodlysquat (U13738858) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Nora,
I have just written a long post to you and then deleted it because I felt that it was....Oh...I dunno...pretentious?....silly?....Useless? Anyway, I know that nothing I say will really make much difference to the way you feel but would like to say that I am concerned for you and hope that you can find some peace and resolution.
As La Min says, you are not alone even though it feels like it.
Love
Suze -
Message 26
Posted by Doodlysquat (U13738858) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Me again Nora...just to say that Sunny Clouds has words of wisdom. She seems to really understand. I think you could do worse than read her posts with care.
Love
Suze -
Message 27
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Sun, 05 Apr 2009 21:37 GMT, in reply to noracarrot in message 1
Sometimes not even bother to put your shoes on - just walk until...something else happens.
Hope you're feeling OK, noracarrot. -
Message 28
Posted by goldilocks exits pursued by bears (U1859740) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
In reply to secretsuzyque in message 26
I'm here, Nora, no matter what.... -
Message 29
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Yes, me at the moment. I'd love to just go. At the moment I'm trying to hold it together for my daughter, and their 3 children, who is going through a very messy divorce and her almost ex is being even worse.
My OH and I have just had a weekend away but I was still fretting about her.
Even my OH has got to the point when he didn't want to come home but we have just got to go on.
Never mind, the sun has been shining, the birds singing and flowers flowering so not everything is as awful as we feel. -
Message 30
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Bluddy hell, doesn't it get like living in a Samuel Beckett play sometimes?
I am reminded of a friend of mine who said, that although her OH was allowed to be at the end of his tether, she felt she had to keep tying pieces onto the end of hers.
Love to all who are tying on those extra bits, and I would echo whoever said that Sunny has very wise words, as ever.
xxxx -
Message 31
Posted by sadie (U781345) on Sunday, 5th April 2009
Hi Avrille
I am Irina, 20 years down the line.......Ìý
you were one of the ML wonderwomen who helped me to freedom and happiness. I am sad that you are living in tough times and that I did not know that until tonight.
please take care of yourself
Sxx (who spent many many nights walking around with nowhere to go until she found home again)xx -
Message 32
Posted by archingmad (U8292055) on Monday, 6th April 2009
I once read a report of a British Psychologists Association (or summat) AGM that concluded that all depressed people are sane, because you'd have to be mad not to be depressed. So perhaps it's a default position.
Nora, walking is my outlet and (older) children should be aware that mothers have to just beat it from time to time - outta here.
Of course, at this time of night, it's not really an option, which is why I am here in lurid ML in the early hours of the morning making typos instead of asleep in bed. -
Message 33
Posted by Oz (U6102444) on Monday, 6th April 2009
I have just embarked on two weeks of school holidays.
This time next week I shall be a basket case by the end of the holiday I will have chewed my nail to the quick .
My escape is the garden to potter with my pod turned up high.
They can fight and I can't hear them.
Perfect.
if there is no blood that is a plus -
Message 34
Posted by peskylogin (U2369503) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Must say, if I had my time over as a full time housewife and mother (and on occasions a part-time and full-time worker) I would pay a cleaner and or child carer on a regular basis.
A cleaner working solid for even an hour a week achieves tons more than a housewife constantly being sidelined by family or the never ending stuff to do. Likewise getting out on my own one evening a week (OH worked away alot) would have been soooooo good.
But I was too busy being a good mummy. -
Message 35
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:00 GMT, in reply to peskylogin in message 34
Betty Friedan wrote about this four decades ago in her book "The Feminine Mystique" -- in which she was trying to work out why these so-called "happy housewives" of the late 50s and 60s were all on valium! (well, I exaggerate, but you see what I mean). Seems all that activism was a bit beside the point if 40 years on, nothing much has changed. As the daughter of one such, I wish my mother had not thought it was better for everyone else that she sacrifice herself. Leaves one with a reservoir of guilt for stunting one's mother's life by being born. -
Message 36
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 6th April 2009
As the daughter of one such, I wish my mother had not thought it was better for everyone else that she sacrifice herself. Leaves one with a reservoir of guilt for stunting one's mother's life by being born. Ìý
As a matter of fact, Redbookish, it doesn't work the other way round, either. My mother worked in her career pretty much all through my childhood, and had very little time for us. We now feel guilty about not feeling very strongly bonded to her now that she herself needs care. -
Message 37
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Thank you,goldilocks.That means a lot.
And Suze,you are so right.Sunny speaks wise words.It's just so hard,once you're in a position that you feel your existence is pointless,or that you don't really serve any purpose - I can't really see any way out of it.
I'm not sure who's approval I am seeking that I'm *OK* at something/anything - Elsie'(OH's),I guess.
That's never going to happen.
Tinners,your thread a couple weeks ago really touched me as it really echoed how I was feeling but wasn't brave enough to say.
I hope we both find our place in life. -
Message 38
Posted by Isabel Archer (U13716168) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Just to tag on the end.
You are definitely not alone Nora.
I have quite often fantasised (walking cliche that I am) of my own little flat over which I have complete control and where I can have, peace, silence, music or conversation all on my terms, which is decorated just as I want it and where the books are all mine and I do not have to pick my way across other people's debris. Sometimes, I hold it in my head for days on end. Doesn't mean I don't love my kids - I adore them - but the longing for my own space ...
Incidentally, about once a year, I do go bonkers. Usually, stress and squabbling have been accumulating and something tips me over the edge into a rantng banshee. Not a few cross words but full scale meltdown. I'm not proud of that and wish it didn't happen but I think it is a necessary safety valve sometimes. Kids have learnt not to be too alarmed but it often does also force something of a re-evaluation of how we are all behaving. -
Message 39
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Isabel- Have you read the children's book "When Mum turned into a Monster" by Joanna Harrison? I recommend it wholeheartedly to all mothers who feel bad about having 'lost it' with their children occasionally.
.Ìý -
Message 40
Posted by Isabel Archer (U13716168) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Thanks Pepita. I wish I'd had that when mine were little. they are now teenagers and mostly we have a good humourous relationship but every now and then ... At those times, I'm known as 'Psycho Mum'.
-
Message 41
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Yes Isabel- it really is a gem of a book that one. The humour just diffuses tension instantly, and makes tetchy mums feel a lot better about themselves. I used to love reading that with my DD when she was little.
Unfortunately my youngest DS is frightened of the pictures of the 'monster' mum turns into in the book- her green tail she suddenly sprouts and the rest of it..But my other two loved it! -
Message 42
Posted by noracarrot (U5351350) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Just had a re- read .....feeling pathetically self indulgent.
Sunny........the sea,the sea.......how did you come up with that ? I need the sea ......in fact,I had just mailed a friend saying I want to take the boys to Vietnam.
Jaywick then .
And La Min,that reminder,others entitled to rant,but you yourself are not....certainly rings true.
Isabel....I adore mine . They do notdo anything to wind me up....I go very quiet if it all all kicks off with Elsie and the two of them,I just go very quiet and talk in whispers....pointless talking to shouty people in a shouty voice.
Spent too many years thinking *where are my socks* was my christian name. -
Message 43
Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Monday, 6th April 2009
NorZ......not sure who I am at the moment (wot's new ?) & am trying to let Stuff float over my head in the hope that an answer will appear....but am running out of patience with myself & for Whatever for not letting me know. Some of the stuff tins has been going through (& I haven't got children as an excuse !) & a lot to do with not being able to do a lot because of illness, & then finding that you can do More Stuff because you feel better & then you can't again.....this obviously affects the way I relate to other people in my life & is very confusing....wish I could find a VERY long book to read & when I've finished it life will have sorted out a useful place for me (but, of course, I won't have aged....in fact I'll only be 20 !)
Not much use to anyone & am acutely aware that I'm even Less So when I'm in this mood.
Wish I could wave a magic wand for you, but instead I'll send best wishes & hugs to one of the best in ML (& that's saying something)
We both know (?!) that these moods will pass, even tho we'll probably never be properly "sorted"
From someone else who's thinking too much & trying to sort out the rest of her life at the moment when she can't
txxxxxx -
Message 44
Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Pathetically self-indulgent ? Moi ?
YEAAAAAAHHHHHH !
But sometimes you have to be.....got to give others a chance to have a go at you, or it wouldn't be fair -
Message 45
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Cordelia's post jumped out of me ... that she has a mother now in need of her care but who was too busy being a working mother to 'mother' Cordelia ... my mother was always busy on parish business and even when I came home from bording school for a weekend was "busy". I never forget being told "Mummy's tired" and I thought "plonketty plonk, I've been looking forward to coming home .... how dare you be tired."
I found it very very hard to give her an easy ride as she got older and older and older, whereas an aunt of my husband who had always made time for us was so easy to care for. -
Message 46
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Monday, 6th April 2009
... jumped out 'at' me ... sorry.
-
Message 47
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Yes westie- Cordelia's post jumped out at me too, as you say. My mum was a 'working mum' and very busy all the time. I have no recollection of her ever 'playing' with me as a child, doing 'painting' or taking me to a park or playground etc. like I do with my kids. I'm not saying she was a 'bad' mum at all- she was a great mum,, full of life and laughter, and I do have very happy memories of her reading Winnie the Pooh and so on to me as a little girl, and kneeling with me saying my 'prayer's before I went to sleep.
But i was a 'latch key' kid much of the time when older- getting the key for myself from the window sill at the back of the house, and letting myself in , spending hours watching TV etc. I didn't mind at the time though- maybe that's part of the reason I like my own company so much! I just can't understand people (and my mum's one of them!) who hate being alone. I revel in it...
-
Message 48
Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Monday, 6th April 2009
To echo what someone else has said, walking helps me a bit.
And, as I hope, a friend to DCM & one who felt hopelessly inadequate offering only hugs (bluddy hugs !), I don't think she was treated badly. Maybe some posters didn't understand what she needed, but I don't really know how they could have been expected to, &, everyone is different....the variety of responses might trigger the right thing (if there is a "right thing")...it helps to know people care about you -
Message 49
Posted by Mrs Ryecroft (U6999804) on Monday, 6th April 2009
Although I don't feel like it now I remember so well the feelings that others describe. In my case, we had had a tough time in that one child had died after a long illness. My remaining wasn't sleeping well and generally I had had enough of being responsible for others and wanted out. I remember going into work and saying precisely that, I was going to get a flat on my own away from everyone else. My colleague was horrified and wanted me to get doctors help immediately. I know I would not have gone anywhere but at that precise moment I wanted to be alone.
-
Message 50
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Monday, 6th April 2009
What memories Pepita. :0)
My father would read Winnie the Pooh and The Jungle Book. I used to sit in his study on the wide, sturdy arms of his leather chair. I can smell the leather now!
:0)
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