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Otherwise - new relationships

• Message 1. 

  Posted by red field (U2337167) on Monday, 13th April 2009

  Can I call upon the collective wisdom and experience of ML?
  I'm lucky enough to be in the lovely early months of a new relationship, but struggling with the impact it's having on my children (girls of 14 and 11). Both have a good relationahip with their dad, as do I, but it's not possible for them to spend much time with him. Quite understandably, they don't particularly want any changes in their lives and that seems to mean my new friend isn't particularly welcome in the house. Most of the few friends I do have round for the occasional coffee or meal are female, so it's even more out of the ordinary for them. I can't leave the pair of them in the house together in the evening, and they're not used to babysitters, so they're not terribly impressed with that option either. I'm not going to let this stop me having a life, but just wondered how other MLers had gently nudged their offspring into accepting that mums are allowed to have a life too.

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 13th April 2009

  Congratulations, red field! What lovely news.
  
  I don't have any answers, though. :0(
  
  I'm struggling with a different kind of problem with my children - separation anxiety (me) - they don't need me any more, except for my cheque book. It won't be long until you are in the same boat, I suspect!
  
  Good luck, anyway.
  
  Lili

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 13th April 2009

  Just a thort - do the girls belong to Guides or some other out of school activity? Elder one is about the right age for Duke of Edinburgh's Award, perhaps?
  
  Something like that could make them less interested in you, whilst freeing up some of your evenings...

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Monday, 13th April 2009

  Hi red field
  
  I am still married to my childrens father but I definitely recognise the thing about me having a life!
  My offspring have had me around at home a lot longer than a lot of their peers because Sprog is autistic so not much choice really, esp as MrMin works away a lot and has far greater cash pulling power than me.
  Sprogette found it very difficult to perceive me as anything other than fulfilling the role of mother and housekeeper, she is just about shedding that at 18, plus boogering off herself next year, hey ho!
  Now, I hesitate to draw parallels with your situation but could speculate maybe that many offspring have similar stuff and yours have the thing about you not living with their dad and having a new relationship as an extra in the mix. But that could be a load of ols rowlocks so ignore at will!
  The thing with my teenager has been that thing about wanting you to leave them alone with shouts of how grown up they are etc, but still expecting everything to be dropped to give them a lift back from a party at midnight on Friday! And of course, you can never get it right, that is the first rule of parenting teenagers! Plus yours have a bit of competing to be getting on with now!
  
  I would echo the suggestions re Guides, Duke of Ed etc to get them to start to have a life that is not utterly focussed on home and to get them independant as poss for their ages, so they aren't hanging around in your hair all the time, but don't feel pushed out.
  
  Could be more rowlocks, just that it did strike a chord with me. Very best of luck with the ongoing juggling act.
  
  xxx
  
  

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Monday, 13th April 2009

  Red - FWIW this is the collective wisdom of me who having been in a similar boat to you can only share what I did
  
  First of all your children need reassurance that they will always be important to you and that you will never abandon them
  
  Secondly explain to your children that before they came along you were a person in your own right and that you are still that person, you need to have friends etc just like they do and some day when they have left to live lives of their own then you will need your own friends for company
  
  Don't introduce your new man as anything other than friend to start with and then gradually you could explain that he is your special friend, like they have special friends.
  
  I hear what you say about your girls not being used to babysitters but I would make a point of starting to get them used to it - you have to have some freedom. Could someone they know well be their first babysitter (and they could maybe have a treat - a DVD or ice-cream to make it more fun).
  
  If your man is going to be long term then allow him to build a relationship with the girls. Perhaps you could all do something together which they would enjoy (a film, bowling etc). Then they would see that he isn't there to take you away but that they are included too.
  
  My children now have a stepfather whom they adore as well as a dad they adore so they have the best of all worlds I suspect.
  
  Worked for me but you will have to work with your children and your man to make it work for you
  
  Good luck
  
  G

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