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Not Otherwise heartbroken
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Message 1.Â
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Friday, 24th April 2009
I have the good news that Dar Dau has at last sold the house (exchanged now with completion in a few days.)
The divorce was held up by legal clerical "incompetence?".
As she is on legal aid, the papers are severely scrutinised and an error in the copying of her bank account was the cause of the hold up. The account was a few pennies out i.e. statement read 84p copy read 48p - not her error.
She has decided to pay a £40 fee to the court to clear the absolute in 2 days (I think).
For some reason if she carries on without paying this fee she will have to provide all her documents again.. no real problem with that but it will just be dragging things out when she just wants to try to get her life back to some sort of order.
In 2 weeks time she will be in her new home away from all the abuse she and the children have suffered and her "hours away from being her ex husband " will have no access to her home.
She and the children will be able to shut the door knowing they will be safe.
He moved out a few weeks ago but still had access as it was still partly his house but has paid her nothing towards the children at all.
The solicitors are aware..
So. Thank you everyone who has given their support.
Special thanks to Catwomyn for putting us in touch with professional help who was able to point us in the right direction and reassure us about other aspects regarding his unreasonable behaviour.. -
Message 2
Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Friday, 24th April 2009
Glad that things seem to be working out, Librarian.
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Message 3
Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Friday, 24th April 2009
Well done Lib's daughter.
I hope you can all put the past behind you now and make a new start.
May your daughter and the children find peace and happiness again.
XX HW -
Message 4
Posted by Gayer-Anderson Cat (U13637930) on Friday, 24th April 2009
Oh, this is good news, Librarian! I hope your daughter and her children will be very happy in their new home. And I always thing that springtime is a good time for new beginnings.
G-AC -
Message 5
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Friday, 24th April 2009
Adding my good wishes to daughter, children, parents. Onwards and upwards for you all.
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Message 6
Posted by U13882105 (U13882105) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
That's great news, Librarian. I hope your daughter enjoys her new freedom.
I wondered, since I have similar problems with my husband, if you could post a link to the thread where you got advice before for your daughter etc.
Also,you say your daughter will be in her 'new home' with her children. Can you tell me about that home. Is it her own or rented etc? I want to hear about how other women have managed such a move and managed regarding housing etc., as that is my biggest worry when I consider divorcing my husband (the breadwinner.)
Thank you. -
Message 7
Posted by metro-mouse (U3068238) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
excellent news, librarian. mm
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Message 8
Posted by Mad.Curious.Cat (U12816826) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
Librarian, I'm so glad to hear that things are moving forward for your daughter. She's lucky to have such a supportive mother. All best wishes for her new life.
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Message 9
Posted by Urban Yokel (U1485670) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
Great news and it just goes to show that everything does pass. Can I just give you a slight warning to be prepared for a low few days about a week after she moves. Having worked in the field I have seen it before - it is as if the sheer adrenilin (sp?) carries you through the first few days and then it suddenly hits you and you wonder what have you done. It is as if you just block out all the bad times and just remember the good and you start doubting yourself. It will pass and it might never happen but be prepared.
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Message 10
Posted by Sister Primrose of the Red Tinsel Flag (U5405579) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
Very pleased to hear this news Librarian. Onwards and upwards for her, your grandchildren and you and your husband.
Irina-M, might I suggest you make an appointment to talk to someone at your local Citizen's Advice Bureau or Women's Aid to find out more about your rights following divorce and any benefits that you would be entitled to. Unless you win the lottery,post seperation life will be more frugal than pre seperation, but there are plenty folk on here who can attest to the enormous value of safety, tranquility and peace of mind.
PP -
Message 11
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
#6 Irina-M,
I was given a personal contact by Catwomyn so don't think I should pass it on without her consent. I hope you understand.
However these pages give a lot of good advice
Citizens Advice is a good place to go and surprisingly our local council also had advice.
If you feel that you can no longer carry on, please take your courage in both hands.
It will be hard going and he will probably get even worse.. ex-son-in-law did.. but you really do need to be strong. I hope you have family who will support you.
I've spent hours on the phone with my daughter in tears..it was that that made my turn to ML as I had no one to talk to. OH was in the same boat except he has an older brother but none of us had experience of the situation.
If you have young children, they hear and see a lot more than you think. Ours have seen through their father. They tend to play on the situation, getting him and his mother to buy the sweets and comics, instead of asking Mummy.
Bullies don't like losing, I think, and if they are found out having an affair - I'll leave that to your imagination!!! -
Message 12
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
Sorry Irina-M I forgot about the house..
It is private rented. As she has technically made herself homeless by selling the family home (to pay HIS huge debts) she isn't entitled to immediate council house, even though she has 3 small children.
Because she has got a job for 16 hours per week -teaching assistant at the child's infant school so no problems with child care - she is able to claim several benefits. She could go on income support but is too proud to do that. There are advantages but as far as she is concerned the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
She had a very high powered job before the children were born but while they would love to have her back the childcare situation makes that very difficult. Much as we love our grands I wouldn't like to be the full time carer.. ( certain situations would be a different matter)
She has had an interview with the council and has been put on the list. -
Message 13
Posted by PinaGrigio (U11141735) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
Librarian - so pleased to hear all has worked out for your daughter and her children. It must be such a relief for you all, and all power to her elbow. Onwards and upwards indeed!
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Message 14
Posted by Mad.Curious.Cat (U12816826) on Saturday, 25th April 2009
<>
Hear, hear! -
Message 15
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 26th April 2009
Sun, 26 Apr 2009 21:13 GMT, in reply to Librarian in message 12
Just "Yay!", Librarian. -
Message 16
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Monday, 27th April 2009
She's getting the new keys on Saturday.
Urban Yokel, thanks for the reminder. I'm prepared for it but Dar Dau is so pleased to be away from it now I don't think she'll regret it.
He is STILL playing up, by refusing to look after the childen this weekend. I know they'd love to 'help' with the move but the novelty would soon wear off.
Sorry, but he is just a (insert your own expletive) and I doubt there'll be any wondering if she's done the right thing.. -
Message 17
Posted by catwomyn (U1485618) on Monday, 27th April 2009
v glad to hear of this Lib. Well, except the part about him being an expletive, but you know what I mean.
Quick note: my contact has moved to another job so if you need contact again, best get in touch with me first.
Cat x -
Message 18
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Monday, 27th April 2009
Thanks Cat.
I sent an update last Friday but if you could pass on the good news I'd be grateful. -
Message 19
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Monday, 27th April 2009
Just to add my name to those wishing you and your daughter and family the very best Librarian.
Westie :0) -
Message 20
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Monday, 27th April 2009
Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:01 GMT, in reply to Librarian in message 16
He is STILL playing up, by refusing to look after the childen this weekend.Â
He may be still trying to exercise control in whatever aspects of her life he still can. -
Message 21
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Monday, 27th April 2009
yes carrick-bend I agree, but it doesn't matter to us any more.
When Dar Dau rang and let us hear him ranting about it, I burst out laughing. She laughs at him now. He might try to wind us up so the more we laugh the worse he gets. probably not a good idea but he's hurt us all so much.
She and the children will be able to have their friends around, something they've tried to avoid.The little one was 4 when she said to her father "I've got a friend here so don't shout, it's not nice"
As I said a bit earlier, Bullies don't like losing - he's lost. -
Message 22
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Monday, 27th April 2009
Mon, 27 Apr 2009 16:57 GMT, in reply to Librarian in message 21
Trouble is, while he's got time with the children, and shared parental responsibility, it will matter.
What you feel is entirely human and understandable, but there will be mind-games, I'd bet on it.
Think of an image of a cat inevitably sliding down a blackboard - nothing can stop the descent, but there will be a terrible noise as the claws come out. -
Message 23
Posted by celladefarm (U13688521) on Monday, 27th April 2009
<>
I remember the wonderful feeling when I walked into my own separate home after I left my first husband 25 years ago.
Peace, tranquillity, safety, with no threats, and no violence; they cannot be measured against a stable income with a frightening partner.
I lived on a pittance for years, and loved every minute of the challenge. Fifteen years later I met a lovely, gentle kind man and we have been together since.
I wish you and your family a wonderful future full of promise and good times. Cella
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Message 24
Posted by Mad.Curious.Cat (U12816826) on Monday, 27th April 2009
<>
Excellent comparison. -
Message 25
Posted by PinaGrigio (U11141735) on Thursday, 30th April 2009
carrick - that's a fabulous image and I laughed out loud at it. So, so true.
Librarian - I do remember the last time I ever saw my ex. Realising how ridiculous he was and being able to laugh at that later, rather than being scared, proved to me I really *had* got out. -
Message 26
Posted by The Woman Robin Norwood Wrote About (U13898642) on Thursday, 30th April 2009
<<>>
Being able to laugh is always a good sign. Also, being able to shrug and say to yourself, that's what he is like, I can't change him, he is none of my concern anymore.
Librarian, great news about your daughter. -
Message 27
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Friday, 1st May 2009
Thanks everyone for the giggle about a cat sliding down the blackboard.
We've been busy sorting things out for Dar Dau, taking things to the tip etc.
We've found more, proving his lies and other stuff.
Can't say more , the mods, but I suggested that next time I see my ex-s-i-l I'm going to wear 2 ginormous pink balloons across my front.
nudge! nudge !
well it made us laugh.
seriously though, the so'an'so has done NOTHING about getting his own stuff cleared out.
They've got till the end of the week so he might still find time. (airborne porcine )
exhausted now, getting ready for long day tomorrow. -
Message 28
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Friday, 1st May 2009
Well done Librarian :0)
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Message 29
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
She's in the new house.
Lots of friends and us helping. all said what a **** he's been
There's loads of boxes to unpack but we've left her with her friends putting up the beds.
The children went in today and the boys are ecstatic about having a room of their own at last. They'll be back tomorrow morning, staying with granny tonight.
I can't believe the difference in her, she is actually laughing even though she's been on her feet for almost 48 hours working at school, finishing packing, looking after her own children, we're so proud of her.
We've been helping as well but at lest we can go back to our own tidyish home afterwards. -
Message 30
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
Really glad to read this.
Sleep well ;0) -
Message 31
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
So pleased to hear about your daughter's 'escape'. At the moment my daughter is apart from her bully of a boyfriend but she is wavering again. I so wish she could make the complete break. He makes me think inhuman thoughts that I don't want to think about anyone.
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Message 32
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
Oh dear, furiouslocki,
There's not a lot anyone can do about other people. The more we say the more they'll do what they want.
I'm afraid we all have to make our own mistakes however expensive they turn out to be.
We've just got to be there to pick up the pieces.
One of the boys -- they're all boys to me as I encountered them when they were in school with Dar Dau -- said he'd been bullied by ex-s-i-l but stood up to him.
It happened out of school so we weren't made aware about it. If it happens outside school hours there's not much we can do.
The truth is all starting to come out now. -
Message 33
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
Locki ... as usual, my wish is for your daughter to be strong. :0)
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Message 34
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Saturday, 2nd May 2009
In reply to Librarian in message 29
What a heart-warming thread. Go on you all. It can only get better from now on. -
Message 35
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 3rd May 2009
....And as usual, thank you for your kind thoughts westie. And you of course Librarian.
I cannot influence my daughter's decisions. One of the things that most grieves me about her situation is how it meakes me feel about her men. I still like to think I am a compassionate, liberal person but they bypass my civilisation and make me think primeval thoughts about what I would like to do to them. I keep asking her to please find a man I don't want to do a mischief too. Of course the more I rant agin them the more defensive she is of them, even after she has raved against them to me!!!
It is all serviously bad for my emotional health to 'hate' these men so much. -
Message 36
Posted by Mad.Curious.Cat (U12816826) on Sunday, 3rd May 2009
Don't feel guilty about that, furious. It's completely normal for a parent to have strong feelings against the people who harm her child. But you're right, she will probably hang onto them if she knows how much you resent them. So share your feelings with us, not with her!
I hope your daughter will find the strength to break away from the bully forever. -
Message 37
Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Sunday, 3rd May 2009
Best Wishes, locki.....don't think badly of yourself for having these thoughts.....it's probably a way to get it out of your system & stop you from becoming physically ill (have you got a punchball or something you could let your anger out on ?)
Librarian....as a parent you have done everything you could do. No doubt there will be "bumps" on the way, but this definitely seems to have been the right decision & I'm so pleased for the whole family -
Message 38
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Sunday, 3rd May 2009
Ouch, another very long day, not helped by a phone call at 06.00. OH answered and before he could say anything, got a torrent of rambling 'drunk sounding' abuse ending with 'you've wrecked my (stars modded) family'. 1471 caller withheld so I dialled 100 and asked if the call could be traced they said no. Of course we can't prove it was ex-s-i-l but it was too much of a coincidence. As he was collecting the children from granny later we got worried in case he was attempting to drive while under the influence. We called Dar Dau to warn her that we were worried. The children were brought back OK. He said he'd check his phone but he didn't think it was him?????
Mind games now!! -
Message 39
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 4th May 2009
Thanks for the support folks.
Librarian. I think it is inevitable that you have some nonsense from this man for a shortwhile. Bullies don't relinquish that easily but they don't generally have too much staying power and of course, they will always easily find another willing 'victim'. Sigh. Fortunately, during this current haitus in my daughter's relatonship I haven't had the man abusing me, or spouting sentimental lies on the phone He knows I have no truck with him. Neither would my daughter if she hadn't had her drink problem in the past. Anoter sigh! -
Message 40
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Wednesday, 6th May 2009
Hooray, she's got the divorce absolute....
Moved and divorced same week.
Stress?? certainly for OH and me but Dar Dau? she was dancing round her new kitchen.
I'm not sure she's told the children it's through -- probably they wouldn't understand.
.
Back to getting on with her life now.
.
We're still very busy sorting the garden out for her. 6 months overgrown, brambles, nettles etc not really suitable for children but I've got the roots out and OH cut down the blackthorn trees which were in the middle of the garden and the children kept catching themselves on them.
Thanks everyone.
Thankyou Catwomyn. and please will you pass on our thanks to our contact. -
Message 41
Posted by Mad.Curious.Cat (U12816826) on Wednesday, 6th May 2009
Congratulations to your daughter, Librarian! Oh, what a relief. I remember the feeling SO well.
And may I say once again that you and your OH are absolutely wonderful parents. -
Message 42
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Wednesday, 6th May 2009
We only do what we can.
Can't unpack for her as we're bound to put it in the wrong place but I know what weeds look like.
She doesn't get much time and can't take time off now.
I know she needs the 16 hours but it came at just the wrong time. She had to take the teaching job while it was offered.
At least I don't have to accept a supply contract if I don't want it. -
Message 43
Posted by PinaGrigio (U11141735) on Wednesday, 6th May 2009
Librarian - another load of congrats to your daughter on her absolute.
Remember the VW advert from years ago with the just divorced woman in it? I skipped out of the court with my decree absolute and an enormous grin on my face, just like her! Raising a glass to a far better future for your DD and her children and wishing her all the best. And for more peace now for you & your OH. -
Message 44
Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Wednesday, 6th May 2009
Well done Lib and your OH for supporting your daughter through all this. It can't have been easy to let her make her own mistakes without butting in.
I've been following this from the start and it seems to have gone so quickly.
It was nice to read her friends were there for her as well. Sometimes friends know more about it, after all who wants to admit to the parents that they were right all along.
All the very best for the future for your daughter and the children.
Even your notes seem more cheerful.
Good Luck All.
XX HW
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