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I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 1.Â
Posted by dazzlingcollywobbles (U13766564) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Still in pre mod so will be subject to some delays in replying, but would appreciate a bit of advice to use as a sounding board and help me work out how I feel.
After a short sharp exchange with my husband over behaviour that is silly of itself but is symptomatic of an inability/unwillingness to give proper consideration to his equal responsibility for our family life I walked out.
There is a long pattern of him taking time for himself regardless of the impact it has on how the family functions. He is unreliable at coming back when he says he will and refuses to acknowledge that this impacts on anyone. Children might be left without a lift home because he has the car or I might be unable to do the things with the weekend that I need to because the is no one to look after the kids and let me away. He can't or won't see what the problem is and after a frustrating weekend it all got the better of me and I got up and left.
I love him, and I think he loves me, but I don't think that I can carry on subjugating my needs (whether to shop for food for us all to eat or meet up with a friend for coffee) until the kids are old enough to be left unsupervised whilst I get on with it.
I have been to a 24 hour supermarket and equipped myself with enough to let me stay in a hotel overnight and go to work in clean clothes tomorrow. I just can't decide if this is what I want to do.
On the one hand, it might wake him up to exactly how cross I am and prompt an attempt to acknowledge and modify his behaviour.
On the other hand, it would certainly distress my kids and might ramp things up to the extent that we can't find a way forward; it would be a bit drastic and dramatic.
Over to you.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 2
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Sun, 07 Jun 2009 18:25 GMT, in reply to dazzlingcollywobbles in message 1
What happens when you talk to him about this apparently selfish timekeeping/going off like a single person habit of his??Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 3
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Oh blimey that sounds dire. I hope you are ok and get some time out to decide what is best.
I think that the bottom line is that life with children is hard and that in many families both parents arent equally engaged with and involved in the childrens lives.
I know that this is really complex but being a practical soul ( and also having been through the whole parenting thing and come out the other side still married) my first suggestion would be for 2 cars or failing that a moped/bike for the person who isnt collecting the children/shopping to use.
Best of luck with it all. I dont think you can change someones basic nature and level of interest so it sounds to me like a lot of negotiation is needed.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 4
Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Do your kids need reassurance from you? I hope they know you're OK, it must be a terribly upsetting time for them.
I think you need to sit down with your partner and talk this through, going off may have brought it home to him how you feel and open to change, or it could make it worse.
Best of luck.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 5
Posted by Doofeynanny (U14013748) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
I've done this a few times, dazzling, and I think it's good to sometimes just distance yourself from whatever or whoever is making you unhappy.
Once the temper has worn off, it never seems such a good idea, because invariable you HAVE to go back - in your case for the sake of your childrens welfare.
The only advice I can give is this; go back only if you really really want to. And if you do go back, do't go cap in hand and all apologetic as though it's all your fault. You didin't argue with yourself, so he must take some responsibility. Tell him you only came back because you want to solve the problem and not because you felt you had to. And let him know that unless he changes his attitude, the next time you go you will stay away for good.
But, just in case, start up a running away fund and make some contingency plans so the next time you don't end up in a hotel with just enough clothes and provisions for one night.
Hopefully things will work out for you. If they do then you can spend the money you saved up on a nice treat!Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 6
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Could you not sit down together and decide on what time you need to do housekeeping/children related activity and time for you both to have a break at the weekends. Do you ever go out together as a couple?
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 7
Posted by dazzlingcollywobbles (U13766564) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
He doesn't acknowledge that his actions have a material impact on anybody else's life.
He is sorry that I feel as I do, but without acknowledging that my feelings might be justified or that they might be a reasonable response to unreasonable behaviour.
He doesn't think that he does do less for the family than I do (though he can't actually describe what he does do domestically).
He promises to be more considerate, and then carries on as before (possibly asfter a couple of weeks of not being outrageously absent).
He has a job he hates, and classifies his weekend activities as 'work' because they //might// one day enable him to earn a living in a different field. There is an element of truth to this, but he also derives a deal of social pleasure from the 'networking' he is engaged in and I think that that means he is out longer and more often than the stated aim requires.
I am not seeking to have him always available or stop him having other interests. I just want him to do his fair share of childcare and domestic stuff. I want to be able to use the weekends for me as well as the children and family jobs. I want equal consideration of my needs.
I'm not sure the kids know what's happened - we weren't shouting and I don't slam doors. They will probably become aware of my absence in the next hour or so.
We get out together once in a blue moon. Granny Childcare favours are used up enabling me to work full time, which is an unavoidable neccessity.
I'm just fed up with having the same conversation again and again and again. I don't want to be a single Mum, but I don't want to spend my life feeling like the man that is supposed to respect me as an equal is consistently taking the mick for his own selfish/self centred aims.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 8
Posted by posh_scouse_pinnedwithpride (U2514024) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Blimey... he can't be that bad or you wouldn't leave him with the kids so there is hope that this could force him to realise responsibilities.
Good luck.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 9
Posted by celladefarm (U13688521) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
This is a tough one.
I had a friend who did the same, many, many years ago. It worked for her, but she knew it was a strategy that carried some risks.
To me, the children's welfare is the most important issue. I can see that what you have described in OP does appear to leave you carrying the heaviest work load but that is not the only issue.
If I was in the same situation I would check that the children are safe, and that they understand that they have not lost you for good.
I would then contact some organisation like Relate ASAP and get some crisis counselling to see what my options are.
I would ask my partner if he would meet to discuss the situation with me, and agree to having a neutral person present to help the discussion to stay positive.
Then I would hope that my drastic action had worked as a wake-up call. Good Luck Cella
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 10
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:02 GMT, in reply to posh in message 8
Does he have a mobile? They've put an end, largely to the excuse of "just having forgotten" to come home/bring the car back/etc. I know this doesn't address the rights/responsibilities question, but it's a small pragmatic thing.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 11
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
If he really hates his job and has hopes of making a change, this may have become a bit of obsession, especially as he sees a possibility of making it happen.
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 12
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Sun, 07 Jun 2009 19:06 GMT, in reply to dazzlingcollywobbles in message 7
He doesn't acknowledge that his actions have a material impact on anybody else's life.Â
If that is really, literally true, how low his self-esteem must be.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 13
Posted by ruralsnowflakebliss (U8131914) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
You don't say how old the children are? I think any level of insecurity and upset will depend on that. However it is not inevitable that a little upset now will do them that much harm. Far worse if you and you OH don't manage to sort out the underlying problems.
Perspective here. You have left them in their own home with their dad. For them and yourself if you do decide to stay away tonight I would phone home and unemotionally tell your other half that and that you need some space and time. Talk to the children (many kids will know there is a problem) and just gove them a clear timescale of when you will be back. Make sure you stick to it and don't make make too much of it and I bet the children will accept it.
All just IMO but I do vividly remember the time my mum stormed out on my dad for a weekend
Good luck with your OH. Sounds that you do have lots to talk about and I am sure with it out in the open things will gradually get betterLink to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 14
Posted by dazzlingcollywobbles (U13766564) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
He went out at 1.30 today, telling me he'd be back before 3.30. At 5 I phoned to ask when he was coming home and was told he was on the way and would be back in 5 minutes. At 5.45 he rolled up. A minute or so later I left.
He is perfectly capable of cooking a meal for the children and organising them into bed. He wouldn't hurt a fly, so I am able to take time to think without fears for their basic welfare.
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I think it is more that he doesn't want to deal with the implications of acknowledging that his choices impact on others. Once he owns the full impact of his actions he will have no justification for not making changes, as it stands he doesn't want to do things differently.
He certainly does not like confrontation, but then neither do I. It's difficult to have an assertive conversation with someone who won't say what they really mean, and I can't get him to do so.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 15
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Sun, 07 Jun 2009 20:04 GMT, in reply to dazzlingcollywobbles in message 14
I think it is more that he doesn't want to deal with the implications of acknowledging that his choices impact on others. Â
How can you care, effectively and responsibly, for children, and feel like that?
How old are your children?
Has he always been like this?
(Told my OH about this hread, and he said "Maybe she's got the wrong bloke?")Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 16
Posted by stolenkisses (U6230663) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Isn't it a kind of 'out of sight, out of mind' attitude? He is enjoying himself so much that he doesn't look at his watch. And he knows from past experience that however late he is, you (dcw) will have to wait there with the children.
So I would see it as kind of power game, which up till now he has been winning, simply by behaving as he pleases and refusing to discuss it.
I suspect reluctance to confront has given him carte blanche to conntinue. If you both find it difficult to sit down and address the issues, I would echo the advice given above to try to work it out with the assistance of a counsellor.
skLink to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 17
Posted by dazzlingcollywobbles (U13766564) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
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That's what's really frightening me. We've been together for a long time, and there's a lot I don't want to throw away, but I keep having this crisis, and every time it happens and is not resolved it just chips away at what we have.
This is about the third time I've walked out, it's the first time I've thought of not going back after a couple of hours. I went and got the clothes so I could be sure that if I went back tonight it was because I wanted to. I still don't know what I'm going to do.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 18
Posted by catwomyn (U1485618) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Stay away. Go on strike and leave him to it.
Honestly, if you've chickened out before, he'll expect you to do so again. So show him you mean it this time.
Cat xLink to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 19
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Blimey, much of what you say describes the situation that we were in when our children were small ( the making up for the hated job with outside interests part).
It is so hard to comment meaningfully on someone elses life as there are so many factors to consider but so much of what you say is familiar to me. I think for me the difficulty was always about not wanting to nag and wanting my husband to see what needed doing and to put the children first without thinking about it.
Good luck with it all.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 20
Posted by ThisLizzie (U5294918) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Hello dazzlingcollywobbles don't think we've met,
My heart goes out to you - I have the t-shirt on this one and I hate to tell you I don't think it'll get better. My OH was/is just like this. The times and ways he let me down when children were tiny are almost unbelievable - this includes emergency calls to him at work to fetch in nappies/milk/medicines as he had the car and I was stuck in with sick/tiny babes and he STILL LET ME DOWN.
Once when I tackled him he told me I knew he was like this and I shouldn't expect him to change just because we had children. Also, that if I was at home without the car (because he had it) I had plenty of time to walk the children to the shops and carry back whatever I wanted. I've had children not picked up from friends etc etc.
The thing is, he did not change. If I text him to fetch something in he still doesn't bother. He often goes out for an hour but stays out 3 or 4. Our children are not young any more and so in many ways it doesn't matter but for a long, long time I was a single mother without any recognition if you see what I mean.
I think you have to think very, very hard about what you want. Whatever he says, he may not change.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 21
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Dazzling. If you leave your husband you will have even more responsibility for your children although of course, you may have your weekends free if he has access. When I was a single parent for a total of 20 years I had little support from my children's father.
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 22
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
I don't think your OH sounds as if he will be an enthusiastic and involved absent parent.
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 23
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
In reply to dazzlingcollywobbles in message 1
Just want to say I hope you are OK at this moment. You don't say how old the children are, and that has a bearing on matters.
I've nearly gone through this several times - always as a result of frustration at lack of communication. It doesn't mean the love isn't there, but it is difficult to keep the show on the road sometimes.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 24
Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
I am afraid he won't change. You must decide what you are going to do and tell him. Return and carry on as before will only lead to your leaving again. Return and change your role in the family, taking more control, telling him your plans could lead to him spending more time away. Leaving with the kids may not be an option.
Whatever you do, put the kids first, remember they may already be losing out living with two parents so far apart.
Why do men like this bother to have kids I don't know.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 25
Posted by Sir_Gladys_Gruntfuttock_deceased (U1870788) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
You don't say how old the children are, and that has a bearing on matters.Â
I have been very worried about the children since I read the OP, it's not fair to punish them in these circumstances.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 26
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
Dazzling. My posts look a little stark. I was just thinking of the reality of your position.
Some men become more settled as they age. You cannot predict what sort of husband and father your OH might make in the future.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 27
Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Sunday, 7th June 2009
My daughter is coming up to 18 and when she told me she is missing me tonight and was stressed over exams and her boyfriend, I felt so guilty for not being with her....you can't win when you love and leave your children, you can only lose less.
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 28
Posted by notjenniferaldrich (U8555450) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Hello, collywobbles. I can vividly imagine how you are feeling. When my OH used to behave like this, I was stuck in a foreign country with one, then two tinies, my passport was held by his employer and our flat in our home town was let to other people. No-one to confide in, no rellies to go to - never mind Granny Childcare - no money to stay in a hotel, stuck, stuck, stuck. Not allowed to work even if I'd been able to with the babes. Him working a standard twelve-hour day and plenty of non-standard "bonding" with his colleagues in the company bar. Never knew where he was, never knew whether he'd be home for dinner etc. etc. and no such thing as a mobile phone - we didn't even have a land line.
It was desperate and tough. I had nowhere to go. So I hung in there, enjoyed the babies and the other mums and bided my time. Eventually, we returned home after the contract ended, the kids went to school and I gradually gained time for myself. Whenever an hour was freed up, I refused to use it for housekeeping or child-taxi services but started some course or arranged an appointment. When my OH finally returned to the fold, and as he got older and more settled, the gallivanting lessened and eventually almost stopped. Now, he's got his come-uppance because I'm the one who goes away all the time and never quite knows when I'll be back. Admittedly, he doesn't have to do much in terms of child (or even dog) care, but there are big expanses of lonesome time for a person who is not a natural loner.
The time can seem endless when you feel so trapped and frustrated, but things do change. I hope you manage to find a way forward with a person you are fond of, even if he infuriates you.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 29
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I suppose there are issues of why a woman should wait for her OH to become the one she wants or why he should have to become this. So many moral questions here. Does one want a partner who is simply there because he is older and knackered!
What does sadden me is to see marriage made to sound as if it is a war zone at the most or a chore at the least. Why would anyone willing enter either of these? I suppose the expectations of each partner should be thrashed out before they committ but then, people do mislead.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 30
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I am not married and have no children. That's my background.
Just a few thoughts.
He sounds very childish. He's giving you the blame for the situation. "You knew what I was like so there - put up with it, then, woman."
Mind you, if you did know he was Mr Unreliable, why did you put up with it?
My last boyfriend was like that. He'd have clients waiting for him to repair their computers and at the last minute he'd ring up to say he was coming a couple of days later!
There were not enough things to compensate for his childish attitude. "I'll do things when I want to and to hell with anyone else." Fine, you do that - but don't mess me about.
I think a simple and immediate solution would be for you to have a car. See if you can get some small, reliable run-around for yourself and the children.
That way you can have fun and do your tasks without him. He might resent you being able to go out with the children and having fun. Then he might join you. If he doesn't, at least you can rely on your own timetable.
Don't count on him getting better as the years go by. Mum was in Germany for two weeks recently and came back to an overgrown garden (weeds everywhere). When she asked Dad why he'd done nothing, he said he'd not had any time. They are both retired and Dad does not socialise. He never goes to the pub, for example. Still.. no time. So Mum has to do even more work in the garden. Mum has been complaining about Dad not seeing what has to be done in the house ever since I can remember. So don't think that as people age, they change for the better. And if there is change, it can also swing to the other extreme and he could get even worse.
I personally think you shouldn't have married someone who treats you that way. It sounds like he does not know the meaning of the word 'responsibility'. His children will grow up remembering him as an absent, unreliable father - so you might as well be alone with them.
If you want to stay with him, get your own car. Get a loan to buy a second-hand one, anything but rely on someone who has proved he is unreliable and who thinks the world can wait for him to arrive.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 31
Posted by notjenniferaldrich (U8555450) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Points taken, furiouslocki, but there are some things that only become really obvious or annoying when you actually live with someone. Often, you don't appreciate, for instance, how irritating little things can be when you have to live with them, as just about anybody who has cohabited would know - and it's not just spouses who have that problem, but siblings, flat-sharers, carers and their charges etc. etc. I remember a particular friend from school who had a habitual sniff that didn't bother me at all until I sat next to her on a permanent basis.
As for not wanting to enter a war zone or seeing family life as a chore, I think human society can be both at times and depends very much on the point of view of the observer or protagonist as to how it is seen at any particular moment. Of course, we could all choose to remain virginal and avoid the possibility of messy relationships, but we wouldn't be here discussing it if everyone had chosen the logically most sensible option.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 32
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I have observed on many occasions ( having worked with families most of my professional life) how when people are couples there is often a much greater degree of shared responsibility than when the children come along.
The case described here is much more extreme than mine was ( it was more not putting the needs/interests of the children first when making decisions) and I am really floundering as to what you can do. I really feel for you.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 33
Posted by notjenniferaldrich (U8555450) on Monday, 8th June 2009
What a brilliant idea, Dame C. You are right about the significance of the Second Car. I had just about forgotten that debate with my OH and how it enabled me to develop my own autonomy and independence and made the unreliability of his timing (which was not always due to irresponsibility but also the nature of his work) much less important and troublesome. I know it's not allowed, but perhaps a ML fund for collywobbles independent transport could start a collection, because if you basically like someone and enjoy a lot of things about living with him/her but are just maddened by this one thing that gets out of all proportion because it makes you feel trapped (pause for deep breath), then autonomous mobility makes a huuuuuuuge difference.
Good old Dame C, pragmatic and sensible as usual.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 34
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I mentioned the second car idea right at the top of the thread ( or a second vehicle of some sort for the person who wasnt collecting the children).
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 35
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Sorry, whitbyrose, sometimes, there are so many words, it's hard to take them all in.
And sometimes, I cannot remember how far I read when I return to a thread - so I might miss out a post or two.
But at least we think alike. Which shows that it's a valid point and a good idea.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 36
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Yes it is DCM but sadly may not be possible if they cant afford two cars. It is what would happen if we could wave a magic wand.
If families dont have a car at all the activities are built around the use of public transport or walking/cycling but if they have a car the world expands somehow which does make things more difficult if the transport isnt available.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 37
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Yes notJennifer. Love should be about wanting to please the other and unconditional etc etc. However I like everyone else knows that, ultimately it is not, and none of us are perfect!
And of course we live in a society that lauds 'the self'.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 38
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Maybe they could change the car they have now and get two cheaper cars.
And I'd get a part-time job to pay for a car if it meant I'd not have to wait for Mr I'll-Turn-Up-Whenever-It-Pleases-Me-So-There.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 39
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Yes so would I but I think we all need to be mindful that we are all different and have different circumstances and cant assume that what would work for us would work for someone else ( no matter how logical it seems to an outsider)
The 2 cheaper cars idea is a good one with cars being so cheap just now.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 40
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Yeah, but it doesn't mean we can't plant the idea.
And where there's a will..... very often, if you are determined to do something, then things click into place.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 41
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Mon, 08 Jun 2009 10:49 GMT, in reply to Dame Celia Molestrangler in message 38
And I'd get a part-time job to pay for a car if it meant I'd not have to wait for Mr I'll-Turn-Up-Whenever-It-Pleases-Me-So-There.Â
DCM said in her OP that she works already.
Anyway, childcare eats away at wages for those who have to pay it.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 42
Posted by Apple-Cart (U9035861) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Although it is perhaps helpful to think about practical solutions to the problem, I would suggest, having been in a similar situation myself, that the practical solutions can be explored later.
The real problem (imo) is the emotional impact of being treated as someone of little or no consequence. Getting a second car will get you to the shops but it won't get OH to be more interested, aware and considerate, which is the bit that hurts.
Sometimes a proper sit down and chat can help the couple see each others point of view and understand better the impact their behaviour is having. Sometimes a Relate counsellor can help.
Wherever you are Dazzling, I hope you are ok.
(ps In my case I realised that my OH was never going to change but that his behaviour and thought patterns were so destructive and my self esteem was being so eroded that I had to get out. Never regretted it. The deciding factor was that I began to see that he treated others badly too despite the charm and the sweettalk, and I realised it wasn't just me)Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 43
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Having a car will not solve much as I assume Dazzling would have to take the children with her if fther is not around. Isn't the issue about time to oneself? However, getting a second car certainly is less hassle for everyone than getting a new partner!
Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 44
Posted by justjoeking (U1659087) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I've been following this thread, and I think some excellent advice has been put forward. What I do find a little frustrating however is(unless I've missed it somewhere) the reluctance of OP to say how old the children are.This ,I feel, has a tremendous bearing on any action suggested.
JJKLink to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 45
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Furious,
I interpreted it not so much as having time to oneself as having someone to rely on time-wise. If you are planning to do X and need the car by time Y, and your husband says "yes, no problem" I'll be back by time Z" and he comes back two or three hours later... then you can really feel angry.
Basically, I would say that the man has no respect for the wife. If he had, he'd keep his word and treat her better. What he is doing is 'saying' (through his actions) 'stuff her. I don't give a damn'.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 46
Posted by Apple-Cart (U9035861) on Monday, 8th June 2009
DCM, I would tend to agree with you. This behaviour lacks respect. I'm sure he can get to work on time or he wouldn't have a job, so why not get home when he said he would?
However, sometimes people really don't 'get' the impact they are having on others and genuinely don't comprehend why they have made someone so angry/upset. This could happen if there is an underlying condition (I'm not an expert but I suspect some people who behave this way could have aspergers) or because they are suffering from depression.
It could just be that they were horrendously spoiled as children, nevre grew up, and believe that they are the centre of the universe.
AppleLink to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 47
Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Monday, 8th June 2009
I haven't read through the whole thread yet but a word of advice about a contingency fund.
Have you got a very trusted friend /relative who could keep the money for you?
Perhaps you could set up your own bank account and leave the 'book / card ' with someone.
Just don't let him find it.
My daughter has just divorced her husband for unreasonable behaviour ( he had an affair ) and was trying to get some money to set up a home with her children, to get away from him.
He found the money and went ballistic, demanding it put in the joint account where he promptly spent it.
If it all works out well, you could have some kind of celebration with it later.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 48
Posted by Isabel Archer (U13716168) on Monday, 8th June 2009
Just a few thoughts about this.
I think this is a common problem though yours sounds quite severe - I have known several couples where one (usually the father) simply opts out of his share of childcare and there is little the other can do about it without damaging the children. I think the father basically knows this and I see it as pretty manipulative because he is relying on the other parent's conscientiousness to let him off the hook.
The practical problems get better over time as children become more independent and they can be somewhat alleviated in the ways suggested but I think the resentment often causes long term damage to the relationship. So I think you are right not to just sit on your feelings 'for the sake of the children' but to force the issue however you feel best.
I agree Locki that being a single parent is a wearing business with all the responsibility falling on you but, tough as it is, I think it is often preferable to having someone else nominally there but on whom you can't rely. At least you know where you are. Not that I'm advocating that as a solution of course - but neither is it the worst thing that can happen.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 49
Posted by Lady Trudie Tilney Glorfindel Maldini (U2222312) on Monday, 8th June 2009
<< one (usually the father) simply opts out of his share of childcare >>
It's part of the 'they just don't get it' scenario. The father (usually it's him) works hard all week and deserves a break at weekends, and the fact that cooking, feeding, washing, mopping up sick and taxi-ing are 7 day-a-week activities just doesn't register. (I have yelled before now 'when do you think PE kits get washed?').
Whether this is deliberate or just innate is open to question.
I agree with Dame C - a car is a must, if you can somehow.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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Message 50
Posted by Apple-Cart (U9035861) on Monday, 8th June 2009
(I have yelled before now 'when do you think PE kits get washed?').
Goodness! Doesn't the laundry fairy come to you? You must be buying the wrong brand.Link to this forum: I think I might have left my husband....
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