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Dealing with the facts.

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Katyagain (U6449139) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Dear All,
  I was directed here from the lovely people in The Bull. I was bereaved by suicide six weeks ago today and have a teenage son as well as difficult family relationships to cope with.
  I am, however, moving on! I have ordered a skip for the beginning of July to empty the garage and the 2 sheds ( yes 2!!) that my late husband filled up with rubbish. I am also getting estimates from landscape gardeners to make the place more manageable for me.
  Having lived with him for almost 32 years , 25 of those years with his depression I feel bad about feeling relieved! I did and do love him but I cannot help feeling that at long last I can live my own life now.
  I feel I can say this here and would actually be afraid to say it to anyone else as it sounds so unfeeling.
  Katy

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by metro-mouse (U3068238) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Hello Katyagain, I am so sorry that the last few years have been so difficult for you and glad to see that you are able to move on. I hope that your son is adjusting. Laurie Taylor did a programme on Thinking Allowed: Suicide Bereavement and Midriffs 27:58 29/04/2009 'What do you say to someone whose parent has just committed suicide? The lack of normal codes of behaviour cause painful isolation and enduring grief in the children left behind which can assert a powerfully negative force throughout their lives....'
  The podcast is still available via the TA homepage.
  
  mm

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Thu, 18 Jun 2009 12:30 GMT, in reply to Katyagain in message 1
  
  Sometimes just writing down your thoughts can help.
  This is a good place for that. You must have such mixed feelings.

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Ali-cat (U8666386) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Hello katyagain
  
  It's hard to know what to say in these circumstances, bereavement and grief are very personal feelings, and no one can fully understand the complexity of your emotions at this time. And particularly in the circumstances of your bereavement, too. But please keep talking, because I think, as carrick-bend has said, ML is a wonderful place to visit. There will always be someone around here.
  
  I'm impressed by the clearing out operation, it sounds like a good place to start, and one has to start somewhere.
  
  I wish you well.
  
  xxx
  Ali

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 4.

  Posted by TheCatLives! (U12285993) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katyagain,
  
  I read your last thread over in TB. I am glad that you are feeling positive and are taking steps to move on.
  
  There will be bad days and good days, as is normal after bereavement.
  
  I don't think that you are being heartless at all; you need to move on, but what about your son? How does he feel about his dad's stuff being shifted? Maybe there is something he would like to keep, I don't know, but I think you need to do this thing together, otherwise there may be some resentment further down the line.
  
  Just thinking aloud.

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by Katyagain (U6449139) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Don't worry - my son is totally on board! He is hoping that once the garage is empty he can have a sound-proof studio for his band practice. He and I have long suffered the effects of my late husband's compulsive shopping - at least 6 spirit level, countless torches, innumerable empty paint cans and gummed up brushes... I hope you get the picture.
  Katy

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Katyagain (U6449139) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Dear Metro Mouse,
  I have just listened to that programme. I have always liked Laurie Taylor and found it very interesting (am weeping actually). I have e-mailed Caroline Simone in case I can help her with her research. Thank you.
  Katy X

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by Flossie-Collie (U10562436) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katyagain, much love to you and your son. I read (and posted on) your thread in the Bull, I was so sorry to hear about your husband. I am glad that you and your son are making plans and getting on with things

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by Fire-Pig - proud to wave the protest banner (U12231213) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katyagain, I think it would be a very good thing if your son helped you with the clearing. Perhaps he could take on the task of selling the excess spirit levels etc on ebay and use the proceeds for his studio? If you do the clearing together, it may give the chance to talk about it all.
  
  I have not been where you are now, but my 19 year old nephew committed suicide last summer, completely out of the blue as far as we were all concerned. My sister found talking to his brothers and to me helped her. ML helped me to help her then, so please continue to say just what you feel here, things you could not say in RL.
  
  Take care
  
  F-P

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Babs (U12089863) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katyagain, it doesn't sound at all unfeeling. I'm glad you are in positive spirits.
  
  I did the same thing after my OH died - got rid of loads of stuff, had cleaners in (believe me, the house was in a terrible state), had some decorating done, ditto help with the garden, got the bathroom suite replaced.
  
  Being newly single, it makes far more sense to get help where you need it. There's only one of you to do everything now - my OH was incapable a lot of the time, but he still did some things for us both - and anything to make life easier is a good idea.
  
  I found doing the practical things round the house helped, if only because it kept me active. It was also rather fun finding things I thought had long been lost!
  
  I now have the home I wish we could both have had. It ain't perfect, but it's how I want it. Hope you find peace in rearranging and decluttering - I'm sure you will.
  
  xx

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by Katyagain (U6449139) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Babs, you have described it perfectly. I have spent not just years but decades putting up with things the way he wanted them for fear of upsetting him. So now I feel free to create the home I wish we could have shared - just as you say.
  Thank you
  KatyX

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• Message 12

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Katyagain (U6449139) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Dear Fire-Pig,
  My son is fully involved and he and his friends have offered to help with the clear-out. We also have possibly the UK's largest Lego collection.....
  
  anyone like to come and help sort that out?!
  
  KatyX

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• Message 13

  , in reply to message 12.

  Posted by Babs (U12089863) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katy, swop you the Lego for a Scalextric set!!

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• Message 14

  , in reply to message 13.

  Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katy, firstly sorry to hear about your husband, I suffer deprssion so can understand where you're coming from, I got lucky with my OH and am now on an even keel after many years, it's not just the person with depression that suffers but the family as well and they often get forgotten or lost in the depressive's illness.
  
  My dad died 15 years ago after a long illness and my mum said it was a releif at the end for him to go, she ded cluttered and has the house how she wants it and is enjoying her freedom from caring.......so good luck and hope everything picks up soon for you.

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• Message 15

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by metro-mouse (U3068238) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Hello Katyagain, oh good, though not the crying bit of course. Well, back to work, there isn't a moment to be wasted. mm

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• Message 16

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Bractondefeated (U3173859) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Glad you feel you can come here and vent. You might find it helps to split the depression from your OH. Of course you're relieved the depression's gone, with all the effects on you and your son. That's normal and natural and so understandable. That doesnt mean you dont grieve for your husband - the person underneath the depression. It's not his going you're relieved about, but the depression,
  
  Does this help, or make sense> If it doesnt just pretend I never said this. (Lots of people do in RL anyway!)
  
  Bracton

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• Message 17

  , in reply to message 16.

  Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katyagain
  
  Firstly condolences to you and your son on your loss in difficult circumstances.
  
  Your feelings don't sound callous to me at all. Sometimes it can be a release when someone dies both for them and those around them. My mother was very ill and towards the end I felt her illness had taken over my life as well and that I was helpless to do anything to help her. When she died I was relieved for her that she was no longer in pain but I was also relieved for me too. Partly because I was both emotionally and physically exhausted and partly because I could go back to living my life. I loved her too.
  
  Just a word of caution - your loss is very recent and the exhaustion and adrenalin may be sustaining you both at the moment but don't be surprised if somewhere down the line you get poleaxed with grief at your loss. Your husband wasn't always ill and you obviously had some good times together too. As you move forward it's that you'll come to remember and miss. Just cut yourself and your son enough time to actually grieve too.
  
  My thoughts are with you. Enjoy your new life as you grieve your old
  
  G
  

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• Message 18

  , in reply to message 17.

  Posted by Eliza Bennet (U2508760) on Thursday, 18th June 2009

  Katy, no useful advice really, just wanted to wish you and your son the very best.

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• Message 19

  , in reply to message 18.

  Posted by Sixties Relic SAVE ML (U13777237) on Friday, 19th June 2009

  I'd like to add my condolences too. Yu do sound as if you are going about the next phase of your life, with your son, the right way for you.
  
  So all the very best for the future.
  
  A colleague of mine lost her husband the same way. Her children were still fairly young.
  
  A couple of years later, she and her family are thriving and going from strength to strength.
  
  So take heart.

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