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The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Hmmm,
Was lying in bed, unable to sleep amd going over in my mind why it is that a broken heart feels just so painful?
For me personally, it feels like i have lost a soul-mate. Aren't soulmates meant to stay with you forever and ever? I have just lost mine for the second time in 12 years (same person); it doesn't hurt quite so much this time, but anyone who reads this - who has had a broken heart - will recognise the void i'm feeling, the empty space where there should be that special feeling of love and safety.
I have a piece of my soul, and my soulmate has a piece of mine...we are suddenly 'unattached' from each other's space and it feels lonely.
Am i the only one with a broken heart on here tonight i wonder?
If not, feel free to join me and maybe, by sharing how we feel, (externalising it instead of keeping it inside like a shameful secret) we can help ourselves and each other to move on.
Kris
KrisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 2
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
OOps, great start Kris..obviously i mean I have a piece of THEIR soul...
KrisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 3
Posted by Rusters (U11225963) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Hi Kris, sorry you have a broken heart and can't sleep. When you are unhappy things always seem at their worst in the early hours of the morning, in my experience.
No glib words to say, just that I hope you do get some sleep tonight.
RustyLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 4
Posted by April (U7310327) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Well thank the Lord I don't have a broken heart tonight, Kris, because I remember all too well what it felt like, and it was bloody awful. You can't think of anything else and everything seems to bring memories back to your loved/lost one. And you get no joy from anything. All you're left with is a big dull sad feeling in your stomach which lasts for what seems like forever. I know all about it, sweetie. I hope you feel better soon.
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Message 5
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Rusty and April,
Many thanks for your kind words After 3 hours sleep, and in the cold light of the morning, I can look forward to a busy day filling the void. And actually, no-one would ever know that i will be singing 'tears of a clown' incessantly in my head as i smile my way through my social day.
It's funny though, how the emotions and pain surrounding a broken heart are universal isn't it? Even in somuch as poetry has been written about it for thousands of years and the sadness has been captured in song, music and film. the same sadness and emptiness, that raw feeling of loss you describe so well April.
A busy busy day for me, thank goodness
KrisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 6
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
It took my about six years to recover from one year with someone - and we were living in two different countries at the time. It's only been one year now that I don't burst into tears at the thought of him ALL the time.
But there are nights when I lie in bed and I am overwhelmed by the loneliness of it all and the wish to relive those heady days again and I cry the pillow wet.
My solution is to cram my days full of things and to have some project or other on the go - whether it's an Open University course, some needlework project or something else.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 7
Posted by Lemon Sabotage (U9577550) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
So sorry to read this, krisjp.
I felt much the same about eight months ago after the break-up of a twelve-year relationship. I could not envisage myself ever being happy again.
Amazingly, I am now so far on from that , that it seems almost like a lifetime ago; and my ex and I have stayed good friends. I wouldn't have believed it possible if it hadn't happened to me.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 8
Posted by Dapply (U2437462) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Wed, 29 Jul 2009 14:43 GMT, in reply to krisjp in message 1
A broken heart is horrible. I know how you feel.
Splitting up with your girl/boy friend is about the worst thing that can happen after a bereavement.
You have my sympathies. I know words can't really help, but at least you know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 9
Posted by BasiainBrooklyn (U505001) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Oh Kris. Sorry hon. I too remember what it felt like and yet I'm glad to be where I am now. That void does fill up with good things if you allow it, and mine made me stronger. If ever there is a next one, I won't be clearing quite as much space for them, not in a standing fast kind of way, but simply because there isn't the same amount of room as there used to be when I was younger and that's just how it is.
Hang tight and don't get plastered.
BxLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 10
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Hi all,
thanks again for the messages of support and sound advice. I guess we all agree that time heals, or is it merely a band-aid?
Dame Celia, i recognise all your grieving symptoms and like you i took many years to fully recover last time. Oh i was functioning well, was even genuinely contented and happy after the first year, but for a long time i could suddenly be overwhelmed with longing for the tantric-like feeling of oneness and fusion i had had with my partner. I considered (and still do) that i had had the love of my life and knew there was no point in even trying to find this in another relationship.
Lemon strangler (great name btw) I used to dream of simply being 'friends' with my partner, should we ever meet again. But this time around i think i realised that that was impossible; to be out of her 'space' was simply to painful, too ordinary a relationship Maybe it was because i considered her to be my soulmate..
Dappy, interesting analogy about it feeling like a bereavement. I think of it as a 'soul death'. And the physiological feeling of a broken heart has always perturbed me. I wonder why it physically hurts, it really feels like their is stress on the heart.
Bash, like your example, the last time we 'split up' it eventually made me stronger. What got me through the darkest of times was suddenly hearing - on the radio - 'Because you loved me' by Celine Dion. Somehow the words resonated completely with my experience.
It is a great great song for the broken hearted, not least of all because it makes you cry so damned hard the first few times, and the tears become a major part in the grieving process. But not just that, the words reminded me that, for all the emotional turmoil that came with such an intense relationship, I had loved and been truly loved unconditionally and in truth not everyone had that.
Through that i understood that i had had a major injection of emotional growth and that the giving ands taking of love had made me stronger.
I will eventually find a positive from my re-run of the relationship. But it's hard not to grieve for simple things, like knowing that i will never go hill-walking and gentle mountain climbing (whilst singing along to Curtis mayfield) with someone who's whole body and soul could fit comfortably into mine whilst we did so.
Don't worry hun, i won't get plastered. This I know because as much as i wanted to drink to sleep and forget last night i resisted, because i knew nothing would have changed in the morning.
I have such wonderful friends and family, but at the end of the day, like most people i guess, i am such a private person when it comes to admitting emotional pain.
So sorry for rambling, but it has helped - just to talk it out. I will be ok for sure
Thanks for listening,
kris xLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 11
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
krisjp. I have had 3 husbands and other loves. I have loved them all as much and in the same way. i do not believe in one soulmate. I feel my OH is mine but know if I lost him heaven forfend!) that I would be able to love in the same way again. Fortunately, I seem to have an infinite caacity for it. I'm sure you will find someone else you love as much. How would we all get through if we couldn't do this
I had the poem 'Love Came Quietly' at my last wedding. It perfectly summed up how I feel about love.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 12
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
It is by Robert Creeley.
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Message 13
Posted by Niff (U1474496) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Kris, not much to say except that I've been there too. I've only had my heart broken once, and I don't recognise the person I was before it happened. I used to think that people were being histrionic about broken hearts, that it couldn't physically hurt, that you could take your mind off it. But then it happened and I realised that the old truism about time healing was true, and crucially, that I couldn't speed it along. I had to suffer it, as you are suffering now. Don't let anyone trivialise it, it's a profoundly horrible experience and one that so many of us have shared. Time, it just takes time...
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Message 14
Posted by plum the depths (U5587356) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Yes Niff, I agree it is a profoundly horrible experience. I have to confess I haven't experienced the trauma as you guys are describing it but I have watched as one of my sons went through it.
My son is a sensitive soul and this was his first big love. So big that I was thinking wedding ideas, where to have it, who to invite etc when she unexpectedly called off the relationship. It seemed to come from no where.
Broken heart, severed soul, the whole lot. I have never seen him so shattered. Oh, to remember his face when he thought no one was looking, I will never forget. The pain I felt just seeing him so done in was awful.
So dear Kris you are not alone far from it. I hope you have some one to share your feelings with and help you get through this awful time.
Just as a p.s. my son has found some one else, it's taken him two years but life is good for him again.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 15
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Furiouslocki,
thanks for the beautiful poem, have just read it and i can honestly say it has given me food for thought.
Niff,
< I used to think that people were being histrionic about broken hearts, that it couldn't physically hurt, that you could take your mind off it. >
Succinctly put thanks, this is exactly how I felt before it happened to me. I recall with shame how, only weeks before I found my 'soulmate' (and yes locki, i do wonder if there is just the one or more?), and therefore finally understood the all-encompassing nature of love, my sister had rung me in heartbroken tears because her ppartner had left her. I recall offering sympathy, but i certainly didn't then have the empathic knowledge of how much pain she must have been in.
Lemon,
I called you Lemon strangler??? No idea why but it has made me laugh which is all good
krisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 16
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Wednesday, 29th July 2009
Hi honest,
Great to hear that your son has moved on and found someone new. To be honest, at his age i was still at the stage of thinking that i had been in love, but -as i now know- they were never the real thing. Actually, i think what i really mean is that i was not yet emotionally mature enough to understand the dynamics of unconditional love.
Your son'e new g/f is a lucky young woman to be someone with such emotional maturity.
KrisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 17
Posted by Sixties Relic SAVE ML (U13777237) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
My son had a similar experience. He had the same girlfriend form when he ewas 15 until the end of his time at universirty. She even went to the same uni, but a year behind him.
When he graduated, she dumped him. He was just starting his first proper job, in a strange town, in a bedsit.....the poor thing, he bawled his eyes out to me over the phone for about half an hour when he found out.
He spent the next 3 months writing really sad love songs (he was in a band). He gave me a copy of the songs the following christmas and I listened to them on an ipod as I was cooking the christmas dinner - and I bawled MY eyes out!
He subsequently met - and married - a lovely girl.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 18
Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
We had a poster on the board last year with this problem.
seems to be not a lot anyone can do.
sorry, you just have to bite your lip and try to find something else to fill your time.
We can all tell you what we would do but it eventually down to you what you do.
I'm not in the least bit unsympathetic.
p.s
does anyone know what happened to Screwtape?Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 19
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
I think the human capacity to love several times is one of the more positive characteristics of being human.
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Message 20
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
It's not that i don't believe it can happen to some people Locki, but in the interim 12 year gap i didn't find one single soul who came close to inspiring me mentally or who i felt instantly 'knew me' in the same way as my partner had.
I wonder sometimes if the relationship I had was almost too symbiotic, perhaps that is why the void seems so huge? The lack of emotional space prob can't be good, but it just feels so intoxicating...Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 21
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
I had 10 years between my last two 'soul mates' krisjp. That is nearly 12 ! it seemed a lot longer! I remember sobbing all over my present OH on New Year's Eve 1990 (I hadn't known him long) because I had spent the whole of the 1980s on my own and unhappy. It seemed such a waste of a decade! Don't give up. Your experience with your ex shows you what a relationship can be and it won't be unique I am sure.
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Message 22
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Thursday, 30th July 2009
Hi Locki,
That's interesting..10 years, it never really occured to me that there might be someone else out there who could give me the same kind of love, and to whom i could reciprocate. I have never gone looking, i have always found my partners just 'there' one day, and known that this was it.
I certainly didn't spend 12 years in pain, mourning my loss. I had a great time on my own etc, but i did always missed badly the essence of the lost relationship, and don't think a day went by when i didn't send out a silent 'i miss you'.
When she came back into my life it was like we had never been apart. Could i ever find that again? I hope so.
Started this thread because i needed to externalise (my fave word) my emotions in order to deal with them. I'm so glad I did bcos it is helping enormously, especially to be reminded mine is not an isolated incident, it's universal. I cracked my ribs recently and looked up on the net to see how other people coped, advice on how best to heal them etc, and this thread was set up for much the same reason. And also of course in case there were others like me, with a broken heart too who maybe needed an outlet to share their experience.
I have decided to go away to my caravan in Angelsey for a few days solitude, not to be morose, but just to try to relax and be peaceful, If anyone wishes to still post whilst i am away then i will look forward to reading it when i get back.
Be happy all,
Kris xLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 23
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Friday, 31st July 2009
Hi Sixties_relic,
Just seen your post and can only imagine how heart-rending it must have been for you to see and hear your son in such pain.
Thanks for sharing his story tho (and glad there was such a happy ending) bcos it has reminded me that after my first break-up i wrote realms and realms of poetry as an outlet for my sadness. seems that this may be the perfect time to try to do so again (in a caravan on my own, no external distractions). In fact, the very first thing my partner said to me after we met again after 12 years was "Do you still write?", and she was incrudulous when i told her i didnt.
Off to pack a pad and pen...
KrisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 24
Posted by April (U7310327) on Friday, 31st July 2009
Hi again, Kris. If it's any consolation (now, bearing in mind I'm probably a LOT older than you) ...not that age has anything to do with the price of fish, but I've always found that no matter how much my heart was broken in the past (I've given up now, LOL) but ... I always seemed to find someone else that I liked better. And even if THAT didn't work out - the next one seemed better than the last.
I know, I know, I know. I know all about it, believe me. You think your lost love was the real true love and you'll never meet anyone who understands you as much, fits into your lifestyle as much, you'll never fancy as much ... gets on with your mates as much. but you will. Believe me and trust me, you will. And it might take a while, but you will. And as it's only a recent break-up, you'll probably not even be wanting to think of another relationship, but it'll happen. And when it does, you mark my words up there ^.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 25
Posted by April (U7310327) on Friday, 31st July 2009
And another thing, Kris. I also know that feeling of how friends and relatives sometimes speak of your lost loved one, and you wonder how on earth they can speak about them so casually, how they can even mention their name without realizing the very mention is ripping the heart clean out of you every time. Oh yes, I've been there.
Just as an example (and I can really laugh at this now) ... My ex and I parted - but I still loved him and didn't want the break-up. I heard he had been seen with another girl but I didn't believe it cos he wasn't the type to flit or flirt around so I put it down to hearsay and thought it was just a female relative he'd been spied with and that we'd soon get back together. I knew if it HAD been a new girlfriend - it would've been serious cos he didn't mess about.
Then a week or two later it was New Year's Eve and a friend insisted I go out to a pub with her instead of sitting alone. Just at the stroke of midnight as everyone was about to do the count down, we all clasped hands and a fella across the table said, (quite innocently) Oh hi, you used to go with X, didn't you? I was speaking to him and his new girlfriend today down the town.
Well. What a lovely beginning of a new year that was. LOL.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 26
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Friday, 31st July 2009
kris. I think perhaps that the second collapse of a regenerated relationship has an extra frisson! When hope is destroyed for a second time.......
I was hospialised after my husbasnd left me for a second time. He had returned after 7 years. Of course, I realise that my reaction is mostly about the clinical depression gene that is present in my family and that not everyone is affected in that extreme way although my ward was full of broken hearted exes!
I hope yopur weekend helps. Giving into sadness for a while is often helpful. It is when it becomes pathological that one has problems but I beklieve that is to do with one's physical makeup.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 27
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Friday, 31st July 2009
Oh.........my .........god April!
You poor thing!
That's even worse than the way my friend was dumped in a beer tent after 25 years. No lift home, missing person's alert, note at home etc etc.
I'm glad you sound cheerful now! It seems that one can get over anything!Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 28
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Friday, 31st July 2009
Fri, 31 Jul 2009 08:27 GMT, in reply to furiouslocki in message 27
Um.
I seem to be saying Um a lot at present.
I wasn't sure whether or not to post on this thread, having, as I do, a chronically broken heart (well they do say that if something lasts more than six months it's chronic not acute).
I lost my partner in January 2008. I say lost because the effects of alcohol finally made her into someone I didn't recognise. I left for a short respite from the drinking and while I was away she (how else to put this?) went off her head. Threats, accusations, harassment, etc etc...anyway I have not seen or heard from her since except through solicitors. Things (not happy things) filter through via the grapevine. I know our relationship was difficult because of the drink. I know that there were times when I dreaded coming home from work. And so on and so forth. But she was (is?) my soulmate, I love her as much as I ever did, and while I know we could never get back together, and in fact I don't think I'd want to live with anyone ever again (and that includes my lovely Jean) I can't bear to have a life without her, and I cannot imagine that I could ever feel remotely like that about anyone again.
How does one cope? By remembering that no-one ever told us that life would go as we want it to, and by learning to STOP that self-pitying or angry "loop" as soon as it starts. And possibly by accepting that love that hurts does at least mean we are still alive. And praying for her every time I think of her.
And yes, it bloody hurts and I think it always will.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 29
Posted by tinners-hare (U9904261) on Friday, 31st July 2009
Commiserations to you Kris and to others who have contributed to the thread. Broken hearts can indeed 'hurt' as I well remember.
I think most people have been there and it isn't an easy place to be and I wish you every success with dealing with it.
I'm lucky enough to be happily married but having said that I don't believe in 'the one' or a Mr. or Miss.Right, nor do I think there is only one soul-mate for me, rather there are possibilities and opportunities which I could take or chose not to take. I remember one ex-boyfriend in particular who would have been perfect for me, and I for him but circumstances took us apart. I'm sure he has made a very wonderful OH to somebody else who was equally well suited. Also, I know that there have been occasions when I've looked at another guy and thought ooooh, you're rather nice, but obviously haven't made a move as I'm a married gal.
Someone said upthread that you 'choose' to take up new chances and opportunites and I totally concur. It may seem impossible at this moment but I hope you can at least allow yourself to become open to the possibility of 'moving on' at some point. I don't mean by next week, but in time.
You speak of you lost love in almost hallowed terms but please try not to fall into the trap of viewing them as perfect. Think about all the things you miss about them whilst reminding yourself of all the things you 'don't' miss about them. Remember the good times but don't kid yourself that there weren't any bad times.
Remebering the good times is fine but if you just come to see this person as perfect, you may run the risk of idolising them and creating an impossible benchmark for which others then have to compete.
You say they have a piece of your soul. If it was me I'd be thinking about saying, 'that was very nice thanks and it was wonderful, but I'll have that back now thank you'.
I do have lots of sympathy for you and wish you all the very best.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 30
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Saturday, 1st August 2009
Drystane. I think that when alcohol is in the mix of a relationship breakdown, everything is muddied. As you know, alcoholics generally have two personas and it is difficult to know which is the real person. Hopefully the sober one is but I wonder if alcohol releases them to be who they really are.
As tinner suggests it is easy to become hooked on one's own idea of whom somebody is instead of the reality of who they are. This may be quite different. One must love who they actually are not who you want them to be. That is doomed to make the relationship fail and as tinner suggests impede the likelihood of any future relationship. I have fantasies of what my son would have been if he had sober. I cannot really know that and have to love him as he is. It is easier to do this if it is one's child rather than a partner. I imagine, Drystane, it is the previous or imaginary sober person you want back not the actual drunk one. Hope this does not offend you. It's meant to help.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 31
Posted by clint the fish with no name (U6574485) on Saturday, 1st August 2009
I can relate to most of what's been said above, I've been thru the mill a bit myself.. . .
My best wishes to you all. . . .
}<{("<~Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 32
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Monday, 17th August 2009
Hi,
I would just like to say a big, sincere thank you to all those who contributed to this thread. Your kind words and general advice were very welcome and gave me much food for thought.
I cannot believe that it was only two weeks ago since i started this thread?! Was it really, it feels like such a long long time ago.
I spent an interesting 10 days in Angelsey; a strange place for me to go really as i have very happy memories of being there with my partner. Still, i enjoyed sleeping as much as i could and generally mourning. That can only be good for me.
I have read through the thread and am amazed at the depths of experience.
I have thought about what has been written and concluded that, among other things, i loved her unconditionally yet she only loved me if i were 'perfect'. This caused a lot of 'soul-damage' and i am tempted to write to her and tell her - as Tinners said - .
If only it were that easy though...
Drystane, i understand fully where you are coming from because that is where i am now, and was during the 12 years we were apart. In many ways i hope i will always love her, because despite everything she did love me, and i hope that once again she can take the memories of that unique bond we had and keep them safe for when she needs them. As Locki says, my experience with her shows me what a relationship can be. If i never have another one, ever, I am blessed to have had this one.
That being said i have been heartened by the honestly told stories of those of you who have found happiness again after a broken heart. In the course of my two periods of relationship (totalling 10 years of my life) I have learned so so much about myself; my strengths and weeknesses , my emotional and physical capacity to love deeply, the stretching of my mind.
It has only been 3 weeks since we split up, how i wish it were longer because i know that healing will take a long time. But this thread has made me at least open to the possibility that maybe there is another out there...i hope so.
There was one thing Basia said that made me think hard about why this relationship failed this second time. I wonder if that is actually what happenened this time around.
I was not the person I was 12 years ago, I was mentally and emotionally so much stronger, and expected her to be too. I was a bull-in-a-china-shop, wanting things too quickly, impatient for her to catch up; what a reversal from the last relationship we had. I wish I had held back, taken things slowly. But i can't change what has been done. I realised whilst i was away that i will never be lonely per se, as i have fabulous family, friends and work colleagues. But maybe i will always be lonely for her...
I guess there is no telling what is around the corner. Obviously at this moment in time i cannot envisage having another oh so special, tantric-like relationship. But in time, as others have done, I do at least now accept there is always a chance I might find another soul-mate (and will mark your word April).
So, thanks again to everyone who contributed, and i send you warmest wishes and hope that you all may find a soulmate to help you through life
kris xLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 33
Posted by Lemon Sabotage (U9577550) on Monday, 17th August 2009
Kris, very heartening to read that you are seeing a little light at the end of the dark tunnel you have been in.
Keep on keeping on, as they say...Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 34
Posted by Lola (U633284) on Monday, 17th August 2009
May I add to your post kris,
There is no age for a broken heart and more than one reason. Although the last and second time it happened to me was three years ago I still find myself smiling and saying to myself, keep that smile on your face and don't show your them your heart.
I live in a world that isn't mine, where I breathe, sleep, eat, I survive but it's not where I should be. This is not the life I worked for and built up for nearly 60 years.
I don't know what will happen to me in the future but those I love will never know how missing them affected me when they had gone.
Time heals all I was once told but I couldn't wait and made a wrong decision. This time I will wait, three years so far, only twenty more to go.
bisousLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 35
Posted by Lola (U633284) on Monday, 17th August 2009
PS
I like to think that the second and final verse of 'Love Came Quietly' was written just for me.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 36
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Monday, 17th August 2009
Just been reading this thread, glad Kris that the light is finally showing it's self to you.
I think we've all been where you are so can uderstand where you're coming from on this one.
sometimes though you can't see the wood for the trees, it's only with distance and time that you can see where/what was/went wrong, I think it just wasn't ment to be, you both tried twice and things dind't work out, that's something at least as in time you can look back and say at least I/we tried.
As you said you're both diffrent people now and by the sounds of it both want diffrent thinkgs in and from life.
Give yourself a break Kris love, you tried but you didn't "fail" in anything, you did your best and at the end of the day that's all you can do.
Hope you're feeling a little more chipper and more yourself!Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 37
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Sunday, 6th September 2009
I feel the need to give myself a 'recovery from a broken heart' progress report.
5 weeks on, and my life has changed a fair bit. I took the decision to give up a great deal of work (Lecturing, etc) in order to give myself time to learn to sit, to just 'be' - the way that i used to before i ever met 'her'.
This has so far been a disaster; not because i spend all my time wallowing, but because i sometimes think the boredom will drive me insane. And, just sometimes, i wonder what i would be doing if i were with her.
I do still have my 9-5 job, which i love. The few people (2) who knew about my break up have long since stopped asking me how i am, and of course I never mention it. In truth I have some lovely, funny colleagues at work, with whom i spend 8 hours of my day generally laughing (or actually, usually counselling others). My job is interesting, facinating even, and I am viewed as being calm and happy and indeed I am.
But today it is hard, funny how some days are like that eh? Most days are ok, hardly a thought dedicated to anything other than keeping an equilibrium between home life and work life.
Today i went to a beautiful country park and walked, in the sun, for two hours. Midway through my walk i sat and sunbathed, watching the speckled light cast beautiful patterns and feeling relaxed and happy. I happened upon a memory of being a teenager, sitting in the sun and writing poetry.
Actually i have very strong memories of times, during my teenage years, spent looking in wonder at the world and feeling excited at the prospect of adulthood and its endless possibilities. But today my peaceful state of mind was punctured by a vision of sitting there with my partner - feeling her absence, so acutely, i thought of something Lola had written on this thread a few weeks ago, and that's how i came to be looking through this thread again.
Lola wrote:
< I live in a world that isn't mine, where I breathe, sleep, eat, I survive but it's not where I should be. This is not the life I worked for and built up...>
And so that is how I feel at the moment, not in a 'woe is me' kind of a way really. It is more the feeling that i have a choice: Move on, be dynamic - be who I was meant to be. Or perish
I guess it's grit your teeth time for me tonight.
Tomorrow is another day. And who knows what that day will bring.
krisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 38
Posted by Eileen (U2438659) on Sunday, 6th September 2009
Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:49 GMT, in reply to krisjp in message 37
Oh Kris, I feel your pain. I remember your pain so clearly it has brought a tear to my eye. I don't know the formula (if there is one) to make your grieving any easier. There is life afterwards, I can assure you - with laughter and happiness. It will come around for you. If only we could fast forward. Chin up mate xxxLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 39
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Sunday, 6th September 2009
Sun, 06 Sep 2009 13:20 GMT, in reply to krisjp in message 37
I think, kris, that we do have a choice. When I wrote what I did I was under the weather - I don't normally allow myself to get into that loop.
Unproductive thinking is unproductive.
And not quite two years on I have surprised myself by being quite considerably interested in "someone else". I don't think anything will come of it, but that is irrelevant. What matters is that the repeated choices over these couple of years are having the desired effect.
I keep thinking of Hopkins' Carrion Comfort (the whole thing is here: ) especially the first four lines:
Not, I’ll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;
Not untwist—slack they may be—these last strands of man
In me ór, most weary, cry "I can no more". I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 40
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Not, I’ll not, carrion comfort, Despair, not feast on thee;
Not untwist—slack they may be—these last strands of man
In me ór, most weary, cry "I can no more". I can;
Can something, hope, wish day come, not choose not to be. Â
I am looking at Drystane's poetry, the one she posted, that helped me to see clearly out of the fog of a broken heart a couple of months ago.
But at this moment I know that I am carrion comforting, and I know that I am chosing not to be.
I was looking for a message, sent to my FB account some time ago, when I came across my ex-partner's picture - and the messages which flowed between us; just day to day messages of love, laughter, then injured pride, misunderstandings and final parting words.
And then I came across what i had been looking for. A message from a young girl - just 15 when i knew her - who came to me so damaged and who blossomed and grew as she slowly came to know and love herself. She moved back to her native homeland, where 7 years later - a year and 3 days ago - she found me on facebook and left a private message saying "thank you" "I love you" and "goodbye". Then she ended her life.
And it has struck me how crazy this is that on the one hand I am still capable of grieving, at times, so deeply for someone who probably still lives in the house she lived in when we were together - just 2 miles down the road. And how crazy is it that my last salve of our relationship started with "When did your ego become bigger than your gift?" , and yet a life can be ended with the words "thank you" "I Love you" "Goodbye".
I have a decision to make, by tomorrow (this) morning; a possibly life changing decision which i have been unable to make. Unable to think about. In RL I am so grown up - give lectures, run art classes, therapy consultations, even make medicine - proof of adult cognition. Yet right now i am unable to make this decision without her support.
Just a private facebook message, or a phone call and she would be here, I know she would. Sorting my head out. I know she would.
Can I do it? No, because it it cliche'd but oh how I wish i could.
This is my primal screaming thread, and I wish with all my heart that, right now, she could hear me
krisLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 41
Posted by Oz (U6102444) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Hi Kris
Speak to us/me as I am here.
Sometimes what you want to say loses the terror when you write it all down.
Well it works for me that way.
And after writing it down it allows you to objectify a little more and examine what it is you are really trying to say and do.
OzLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 42
Posted by captainbenayoun (U13326760) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Oh Kris, I wish I had wise words for you, but all I have is my heartfelt sorrow for your position.
I will be thinking of you today, and hope you find the right decision for you.
CapLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 43
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
I too hope you make the decision that's right for you Krisp that said I hope it's not a stupid decision or am I reading more into your post than there is love?
Let us know what happens and GOOD LUCK!O))Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 44
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
kris, I remember being amazed at how wrong I was about broken hearts.
The physical pain is so intense it takes your breath away.
I'm not sure if locki is right about the soulmate thing. I /am/ sure you can love more than one person, but it isn't always the same and sometimes it just feels like settling.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 45
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
kris, apart from wishing that you were here so that I could put my arms round you - you are carrying so much just now - I don't have words. But here is another piece of Hopkins, "Advice to poor Jackself" - I don't think it matters whether the God that is referred to in the last stanza is a "person" you believe in. The poem works anyway.
HUGS (that was the capslock stuck, but I mean it in caps anyway)Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 46
Posted by WildMarjoram (U14026934) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Thinking of you krisjp. Hope you are OK. I remember the agonising physical pain and despair of heart-break - and the hurt and anger that keeps surfacing. It does get better even though when you are in the middle of it you cant see how. My hand is here to hold if it is helpful.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
MarjiLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 47
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 4th November 2009
rainbowlaure. If it feels like settling, it's not love! The human heart is generous, it has no limits and it does not ration love. Looked at in a reductionist way, a monopoly on one's love would not benefit evolution or reproduction. I have had 3 husbands and other loves. None of them felt like settling
Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 48
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Wednesday, 4th November 2009
If it feels like settling, it's not love!Â
I don't agree, locki. There are different kinds of love and different levels of intensity. Loving someone less obsessively than someone else doesn't mean you don't love them.Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 49
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 4th November 2009
Laure. There is an argument that loving obsessively is not really love. I would obsessive love as infatuation and as such it woud be temporary. 'Romantic' love as opposed to other kinds such as paternal love is surely the same each time it is felt. I have observed and experienced (fortunately) that subsequent loves diminish the feelings one had for the previous one! If they didn't how would we love more than once?
Link to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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Message 50
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Wednesday, 4th November 2009
krispj
is the relationship so broken that you can't salvage caring friends from it. My ex-OH and I managed to be friends even though he broke my (and our three children's) heart (s). we can now go to dinner and when he was diagnosed with skin cancer it was me that took him to the specialist, drove him to the horspital and waited while he had his op and then took him back to our home (my current husband is a candidate for sainthood). I might not be in love with him anymore but I haven't stopped caring for him.
If the person you were with is the person you need to be with you then why not ask. They probably still care about you and would probably be really hurt if you needed them and didn't say so
Just a thought - hard to judge when you don't know the back story
GLink to this forum: The broken heart club..anyone else got one?
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