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Condolences advice please
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Message 1.Â
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I have just learnt of the death of one of my former students, who only graduated a year or so ago. He was a lovely student, whom I had the pleasure of teaching in two different classes. This news has shaken me badly as I really liked him, he was a class act even when he took the mickey gently.
From what I have gleaned from the net, his death was very sudden and happened this summer.
Is it too late to send his parents a condolence letter (if I can get their address from the school) and would a letter from a perfect stranger several months later help them or just add to their grief?
Thanks for your help (and if anyone knows what I could possibly say ...)
Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:46 GMT -
Message 2
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Never too late. So many people avoid the bereaved because they are embarrassed and don't know what to say.
If I lost one of my sons I would be very pleased to hear that other people thought well of him. -
Message 3
Posted by Flightless Anachronistic Bird (U6437464) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Explain who you are. Say you are shocked and saddened because you "really liked him, he was a class act even when he took the mickey gently."
That's all you need to say really. I'm sure they would apprecaite it. -
Message 4
Posted by Lindy (U9525153) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Never too late to send a condolence card imvho
Lindyx -
Message 5
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Fri, 09 Oct 2009 14:54 GMT, in reply to Flightless (Anachronistic) Bird in message 3
Thanks, you two. I am trying not to cry & scream it isn't fair (since when is life fair?) but having taught him two years running it is a bit like losing a young member of one's own family. What a bl**dy waste of a brilliant mathematician. Why him who had everything to live for and not me, whose life is getting behind me? -
Message 6
Posted by bolshy (U7233633) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Definitely not too late, E Yore.
&, in my experience, if you can also add any personal reminiscences or memories, they'll appreciate it all the more.
Poor people. -
Message 7
Posted by patriarchou (U11317033) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I agree with the previous posters. One thing that I learned from a tough time was that so many people actually cross the road to avoid facing a bereaved person.
I'm sure that this is usually because they are so frightened of saying the wrong thing - but when the worst has happened, the actual words often pass one by. Any kind gesture is both appreciated and comforting.
If you are writing to them, that letter may very well be re-read many times. -
Message 8
Posted by mezereon (U2046167) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I do do agree with everyone here, I think the parents will be very touched to hear from you.
Only today a neighbour avoided me as she has done for the past 13 years, that was when I broke down when I was telling her my daughter in law had lost the twins she was carrying.
I think a few words from yourself will be very helpful to them. -
Message 9
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:25 GMT, in reply to mezereon in message 8
Me too. Hand-written letter saying who you are and that you have only just heard the news of his death. His parents will thank you for it. My elderly aunt died around this time last year and though I contacted everyone I could, there were Christmas cards to her from once-a-year correspondents who had known her for many years - sometimes 50 or more. I wrote back to them to tell them the sad news and their letters of condolence, explaining who they were, how they had known her (in some cases school friends or people she had trained as a nurse with or worked with) gave me a greater insight into her life. It was strangely comforting to know how many people were touched by her loss and how genuinely she would be missed. -
Message 10
Posted by LostInML (U13646691) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Please do take the time to write; it will be much appreciated. Somehow the knowledge that someone has meant something to another person is tremendously comforting. I saw this first-hand when my mother died. She was a primary school teacher for many years, and my father really appreciated the letters he received from former colleagues and pupils so much.
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Message 11
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:26 GMT, in reply to mezereon in message 8
Portmanteau reply: I will get the parents' address from school and write a letter next week, with my memories of their son. Thank you all and hugs to you for past bereavements & sorrows.
Rather stunned to learn that people avoid facing/talking to people who have been bereaved. In my naivety I thought humanity's default mode is to comfort them that mourn, as it will happen to all of us and what goes round, comes round. What a lot I have to learn.
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Message 12
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I too think they will be very pleased to hear from you.
It will be quite understandable that you have only just heard, and a few kind words from you will possibly be appreciated even more now that things have died down (apologies for the unfortunate turn of phrase) and 'people' will be expecting them to get on with their lives.
As suggested above, I think an anecdote or two is the way to go. You will be showing his family a side of him that may well be new to them.
When I have to write such difficult letters, I often begin by saying that I have no idea what to put as no words can bring him back, or something of that nature. Then I just write what I feel I want to say to them.
Dunlurkin -
Message 13
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Do send a letter of condolances to this young man's family, it'll mean so much to them even if it's some months down the line.
My late dad, a Burma veteran and 22 year service man, always used to say when your times up it's up only you don't know when, where or how, just enjoy each day as it comes.
I nearly died 16 years ago in a very bad car accident where three others died one of which was a child, the accident wasn't my fault or the other drivers but due to a forgin lorry driver, I now take each day as it comes and I refuse point blank to make long term plans for anything.
The letter will mean the world to his family it really will love. -
Message 14
Posted by Mrs Ryecroft (U6999804) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I want to echo everyone else's thoughts. It will mean the world to his Mum and Dad to know that he is not forgotten and that he brought joy into your life too.
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Message 15
Posted by ninemaidens (U10751091) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I second what has been written here. I was bereaved very suddenly and unexpectedly when my young 31 year old husband died.
At the time I was in a state of shock, but as time passed , was comforted by the many genuine expressions of appreciation and sense of loss from many people , some of whom I didn't know , but whose lives had enhanced by knowing my husband. -
Message 16
Posted by Flossie-Collie (U10562436) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Yes, it's never too late to hear from people who knew and loved our loved ones.
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Message 17
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Friday, 9th October 2009
E Yore
I agree that it would be a lovely thing to do to send a handwritten letter expressing some of the sentiments you have on here plus perhaps a few little stories to bring their son back to life for them for a few moments (my dad used to say you are never really gone while people remember you and can conjure you up with a few words). You have a lovely gentle turn of phrase anyway so i am sure if you just write in your normal lovely style your letter will touch them.
I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose a child - no matter how hard I try I cannot imagine how they must feel. But I can imagine that receiving something from someone who knew them and feel as you do with something that could make me smile and say oh yes would do a little to alleviate that pain.
Go for it girl.
G
x
Ps - have nearly finished my book and am now trying to hold conversations in the past historic which has OH in stitches. Thanks Pal! -
Message 18
Posted by Elnora Cornstalk (U5646495) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I agree, too, E Yore; and, as a teacher, you'll have seen sides of their son that others won't know about, and you have a real sense of his potential as an adult too. This is painful, but I think they'd be touched to hear it. As his friends get older, he'll always be the same age, but thinking about his future might help give everyone who knew him more of a picture.
Elnora x -
Message 19
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Never too late to write. Like others have said, say you've only just heard, say who you are, and if you can (and it seems like you can), then put in an anecdote or memory or two. But even if you can't describe something like that, just let them know you've been thinking of them and you were sorry to hear the news.
I hope you are feeling okay, too. -
Message 20
Posted by Twin-Lions (U3870602) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I agree too. Telling them their son was appreciated will mean a lot to them. When my brother and sister died I really needed to know that other people had appreciated them too.
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Message 21
Posted by strawberrysunrise (U10452397) on Friday, 9th October 2009
we really appreciated the letters and cards we got when our children died,some came much later than the event as people found out,
the parents will be pleased to hear a snippet of their son's life. -
Message 22
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Rather stunned to learn that people avoid facing/talking to people who have been bereavedÂ
I don't think it's that people don't care or are unconcerned. Just think they don't know how to deal with the situation and so they avoid it, but it's very painful for those who are avoided. Ever since I first noticed this, I have always made a point of phoning, writing or personally approaching someone to express my sympathy. It's sometimes a bit difficult, but I can't remember a time when it was resented. -
Message 23
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Friday, 9th October 2009
Fri, 09 Oct 2009 21:47 GMT, in reply to strawberrysunrise in message 21
When a former neighbour, who had moved away, died, I sent his widow a letter in which I wrote about a few gently amusing stories about him, including the time that he had roped in us and our guests to dig out a huge buried granite post from their garden, and manhandle it down to the sea.
She wrote back to me and said that it had been one of her favourite letters, because it was about him, as a real, warm, imperfect person, so send it.
A parents mourning for their child must last much, much longer than it takes for other people to pick up their lives again, so don't worry that you'll be reopening healed wounds.
I'd think you'd be helping to keep a lamp lit. -
Message 24
Posted by Abby33 (U6428266) on Friday, 9th October 2009
I think it never too late. In a way it would be nice to get a late letter because everyone is initially very shocked, but then go back to their normal lives so it nice to think that he isn't forgotten.
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Message 25
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Saturday, 7th November 2009
Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:02 GMT, in reply to Abby33 in message 24
Apols for bumping this back up to the top of the mayo, but I've just received the reply to my condolences from the parents of my student. It is a lovely, warm letter that has reduced me to tears (again). There is so much more I could & should have written, but there would never be enough words to say what a lovely person & good man X. was nor to comfort his parents. At least I now know that X. was in his parents' image.
This sadness will pass for me, but it can never pass for his family. How can they survive this? -
Message 26
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Saturday, 7th November 2009
E.Yore, that is good for you to know his parents received your letter, which will have brought comfort to them. They will not survive as the people they were before their son died and they will never get over his loss.
But they will live on, knowing how much they loved him, and every letter will bring a tiny bit of comfort. It gives them a glimpse into the world he knew when he wasn't with them. So to know he had people in his life who respected and missed him is to give them a little more strength for the days ahead. The sadness will not pass, perhaps fade a little, but good memories can remain with you. -
Message 27
Posted by U14203424 (U14203424) on Saturday, 7th November 2009
Never too late, your letter will arrive as a reminder of what a special person their son was and will have the added advantage of not being 'lost' with all the other cards and letters.
My mother died earlier this year and father received nearly 1000 letters and cards, we (brother and sister) are sharing them out and reading through them still.
Never too late...............
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