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Parental / alcoholic woes

• Message 1. 

  Posted by whippet_walker (U6107899) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  
  My sister and I have a major problem with our parents - (they are both almost 66) - short as poss version follows:
  
  Dad is single handedly running his shop since his sole employee died suddenly (June). He is half heartedly planning to retire, but gives mixed messages about giving up work. He is desperate to have a holiday and a well earned break in Jan (not had any time off this year aside from Sundays.
  
  However Mum is a long term alcoholic. She no longer wants to travel (one of my dad's main pleasures) and has refused to renew her passport or go away even in this country - previously they enjoyed holidays to US etc. Also she is increasingly reluctant to leave the house.
  
  Her health seems to be deteriorating - she has started falling over (She says her legs just go from under her - doesn't lose consciousness)& she doesn't eat properly.
  
  My sister and I have taken dad away several times in the past - and we are happy to go away again with him but we can't sort the mum issue - we don't feel comfortable leaving her on her own if we take dad away for a holiday.
  
  SO, the issues are:
  
  Mum refuses point blank to go to the Doctor, refuses to entertain the idea of a mobility scooter and won't accept that she doesn't eat properly.
  
  Their house is old and large with 3 staircases (two up one down!) to reach the bedroom - plenty of opportunities to fall - but she won't sleep downstairs!
  
  
  We could buy mum a panic/safety necklace but we don't think she'd wear it.
  She would not go and stay elsewhere if dad were away.
  
  There are no close friends or family who could look in on mum if dad wasn't there.
  
  So, how do we 'force' an older person to the doctor? Or keep them safe if they refuse to help themselves? Get them to realise the effects of their actions on the person they claim to love?
  
  Dad really needs a holiday........ and is understandably reluctant to retire 'I'm not sitting in the house all day - she'll drive me dippy' - I hate to say it but I find even brief visits difficult I don't know how dad survives it.
  
  We need both a long term solution to mum's issues (she did dry out once and did AA briefly but found it too depressing apparently) & a quick fix to get dad a break
  
  All advice gratefully received
  
  Aaaaaargh

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Sister Gnomea is baaaack! The whelks are on me! (U2221673) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Fri, 30 Oct 2009 22:22 GMT, in reply to whippet_walker in message 1
  Hello, w_w.
  
  Just a supportive bump up the threads until a competent one turns up with sensible suggestions.

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Whippet - you might get more responses if you post this on the Alcohol Concerns threads. I'm not sure what the answer is to your immediate issues - you say your mum did AA for a bit - did your dad and you and your sister ever try Al Anon?
  
  The Alcohol Thread is here and I'll go and post a link to this thread on it in case anyone has any bright ideas.
  
  Fee

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by Oz (U6102444) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Morning WW
  
  you beat me to it Fee.
  
  See you on the AC thread
  
  Oz

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  <Her health seems to be deteriorating - she has started falling over (She says her legs just go from under her - doesn't lose consciousness)& she doesn't eat properly.>
  
  I heard of someone a couple of days ago who got to the point where she did lose consciousness (luckily where there were others around) after bouts of fainting probably caused by malnutrition and reclusiveness - and landed up in intensive care.
  
  It sounds very harsh but if she carries on as she is doing (and it sounds unlikely that anyone is going to be able to stop her) it sounds as though your mum will end up in the same position which may produce some sort of solution.
  
  I hope you'll make the acquaintance of the Alcohol threads - but in case you don't I felt that I should just say that a major plank of Al Anon (the AA type support group for family members) is the mantra "you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it" - and you all need to look after your own well-being.
  
  Fee
  

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by whippet_walker (U6107899) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Thanks for the supportive comments & for the advice about posting in the alcohol thread I'll do that.
  
  my dad has tried Al-anon in the past (but i think it was just the one visit....)
  

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  The other thing I meant to say was that I suppose one possible solution to the issue of providing your dad with a short break could be that one of you or your sister could accompany him on a break and the other could draw the short straw of keeping an eye on your mum. But you've probably already thought of that.
  
  Fee

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by whippet_walker (U6107899) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Fee
  
  You are right ...but I have to confess that certainly for me & I guess for my sister too, the idea is not very appealing ( I'm being selfish now). I guess if it comes to a direct choice either dad can't go or one of us stays then we will have to do it. But it is a miserable existence living with an 80 a day alcoholic in a run down home...and having to use holiday time from work to do it.
  
  Will post this over to alcohol concerns when the november thread starts..i'd start it but I don't want to hijack the thread.
  

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Friday, 30th October 2009

  Whippet - no need to wait for the November thread (I've actually responded to your comment about Al Anon at the end of the October one already).
  
  Fee

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Rwth of the Cornovii (U2570790) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  Sat, 31 Oct 2009 08:04 GMT, in reply to Fee in message 9
  
  I don't know if you have an organisation called Aquarius near you. They are very active in Brum, and do a lot of proactive work on problem drinking. I don't know if it could help you at all, but it might be worth giving them a try.
  
  Or you could try giving your mother the respect she either does or doesn't deserve. Point out to her that you are going to take your dad on holiday, and either she comes with you all, (not likely by your accound), seeks help for respite care, has a neck alarm and uses a trolley, or you just leave her there on her own to cope. Let her choose, and abide by her choice, however silly. But if she chooses to stay on her own without any safeguards, you can warn the local Social Services, and/or Police, because that might be a fire hazard, and just go without giving her more than a thought while you are away. I'd guess she'd be much the same when you got back, so don't let her wreck the holiday.
  
  If you can face it, try to find out why she drinks so much. You might get through to her, enough to get protection for her while you are away.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  the idea is not very appealing ( I'm being selfish now).  I don't think it is selfish. It is very understandable, anyway - it's a very difficult position to deal with, and I mostly dealt with it by moving away. You have to preserve your own sanity if you're to be of any help to anyone, so sometimes you do have to put yourself first.

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• Message 12

  , in reply to message 11.

  Posted by whippet_walker (U6107899) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  I live about 80 miles away so don't fortunately have to deal with the situation on a regular basis but it is such a minefield.
  
  My sister & i are thinking of showing mum this thread..maybe it will help her realise the impact on Dad and us. Also perhaps it'll be much harder for her to deny/dispute it when she can see it written out.
  On the other hand maybe it is too cruel..

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• Message 13

  , in reply to message 12.

  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  I'd be very wary of that - my mother would have hit the roof if she'd ever had an idea we'd discussed her alcoholism with anyone (even between ourselves), let alone publicly, even if anonymously - and I'm guessing you haven't asked your sister, father or mother if they mind you talking about it here.
  
  I'm not saying that trying to get her to see it's not just her who's affected is a bad idea, but I don't know that showing her the thread is the way to go. If you do try, whichever method, don't necessarily expect success. I cannot imagine that my mother would ever have recognised that it was anything to do with anything except herself, and if she did, it would be our own faults for being too sensitive, because there isn't any problem, and we should stop interfering, etc, etc

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• Message 14

  , in reply to message 12.

  Posted by stolenkisses (U6230663) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  The person who draws the staying with mum straw needn't actually live in the house. You could book into a nearby B&B, pop in twice a day, and make the rest of your time as much of a holiday as possible in the local area.
  
  Just a thought so feel free to ignore; I've no real experience of this situation.
  
  sk

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• Message 15

  , in reply to message 14.

  Posted by Rwth of the Cornovii (U2570790) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:16 GMT, in reply to stolenkisses in message 14
  
  I don't know if thins would halp, but try talking to the Primary Care Trust for where your mother lives. They may have addiction services provided by a different organisation if she doesn't live in the Midlands.
  
  
  
  These people are non-judgemental, and do not believe that you have to give up altogether which might be a chink in her armour. They would work with her to get her to start putting her life back on track.

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• Message 16

  , in reply to message 15.

  Posted by whippet_walker (U6107899) on Saturday, 31st October 2009

  Sadly Aquarius doesn't operate in Mum's area but I have found a couple of other possibly useful organisations. Although I'm not convinced she wants her life on a different track..
  
  
  
  Good idea about not staying over Stolenkisses - I'll have a look into that

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