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Otherwise - drinking/eating out dilemma
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
A couple of times a year OH and I go out to a restaurant with friends. We have just been invited again, and I am afraid that I put off actually agreeing a date because there are a few unresolved things which have been niggling since the last two occasions. I would be grateful for your thoughts on how to deal with this, if at all.
The nights out always have to be in the week - reasons too boring to go into - but inevitably, I am the only one of the four who has to get up to go to work the next day. We always say we will take it in turns to transport, but they always duck out of this when it's their turn by suggesting a taxi, and we share the cost. Last time I offered to drive because I was working the next day, so naturally I only had one glass of wine. The other couple carry on ordering another bottle of wine long after I have any desire to drink more alcohol.
Am I just being petty? I do enjoy the evening when I go, but am just irritated that it seems we are always losing out by providing them with transport and paying for their heavy wine consumption.
Should I say anything? Or just grit my teeth and make a supreme effort to overlook the sloshing down of wine. It's very hard to enjoy the evening when the other three people are very merry and carefree. -
Message 2
Posted by mistresslucy (U9471573) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
You could mention these recessionary times.
As in cost of taxi/wine etc?
Do you know them well enough to talk frankly to them about your concerns?
I'm guessing not that well if you only see them a couple of times a year.Do you want to meet them for a night out? Lucy -
Message 3
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
If it's only a couple of times a year, I'd never offer to drive, have a few drinks, share a taxi and put up with it. They other three seem to be enjoying themselves, so why not just join in?
If it was more often, that would be different, I'd definitely say something, but then I'd guess you would be closer friends. -
Message 4
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
Perhaps I should have said that the two OHs are very good friends. If anything is to be said, I think I will have to be the one to say it to the female half of the couple - which is why it's difficult, because we're not the close friends.
I can see it's just me with the problem out of the 4 of us, lucy, and that's because (1) I don't want to drink much (2) I might as well drive (3) My OH doesn't put away anything like what they drink but (4) the convention is to split the bill equally. -
Message 5
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
If the two OHs are very good friends, splitting the bill is probably something they've always done.
If you don't want to drink much anyway, and don't mind driving, I still think you should just go and not say anything and try to have a good time. Or....talk about it to your OH? -
Message 6
Posted by La Sharpissima (U1476061) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
I agree with Lilo. Splitting the bill is perfectly normal and if it is just very occasionally then can you not arrange to go into work a bit late the next day and sleep later to account for an extra glass of wine. 2 bottles of wine between four adults hardly seems excessive when out for dinner.
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Message 7
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
TWO bottles of wine? Ha! If ONLY!!!! Last time it was 4, plus port, plus the men had had a beer or something to start.
No. I cannot go to work later. I am trying to fix it for a day when I don't have to travel far on the following day, but I still need to be fully-functioning in front of a group of people at 9am. -
Message 8
Posted by ThisLizzie (U5294918) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
Cordelia,
Please don't mind me asking, but are you perhaps looking for an excuse not to go?
Liz. -
Message 9
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
Good point, ThisLizzie. I enjoy the food, I enjoy the company up to a point, in the sense that it's OK, not as bad as sticking needles in my eyes, etc. OH really wants to go, so I don't want to upset him by refusing.
I have realised through another thread, and after reading a book recommended by someone, that I have some longstanding problems in my psyche. I don't make friends easily, and I can see why, but some people I spend time with are hard work and there seems to be nothing in it for me.
I am most interested in other posters' views on this, because I probably am getting it all out of proportion. Just a mixed-up kid, doncha know? -
Message 10
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
Your husband wants to see his friend. Let him go and you do something else. You're not enjoying yourself so why put yourself through it?
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Message 11
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
Do you get on with your OH's mate or is it just the mate's partner you don't like?
You mentioned that you quite enjoyed the event one you got there so what is really the problem apart from the alchol consumption and the driving?
If, as you say you enjoy the evening, it's too much with work during the week, could you get you OH to arrange things for a Saturday evening if you work in the week?
I have, and alway will have, a problem with one of my OH's mates, this mate, so called, is the brother of OH's best friend, the only time OH hears from him is if he wants something, usally when something goes wrong with his puter, OH works in IT, but I do get on well with this mates ex wife and daughter so will suffer the mate as his ex and daughter are really good fun.
I don't think the problem is you, I think the problem is you feel like you're being taken advantage of in some way.
It's not even the fact that you say you find it hard to make friends, I think we all do up to a point, it's just no one likes feeling used and that's the impression I get, you feel you and your OH are being in some way used. -
Message 12
Posted by Ç´Ç°ù»å±ð±ô¾±Ã¥ (U10194266) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
gigglemahanaz - you are so wise. You always seem to get to the nub of things straight away! There is quite a history here, but I cannot trust and be friends with the partner because she has been incredibly nasty to me on a couple of occasions long ago. I can superficially rub along, but I take great care over what I tell her. Of course, it's not a good idea for me to drink more than I feel comfortable with for that reason as well.
The OH is a lovely genuine chap, but I think he has a drink problem (my OH thinks so, too, but regards that as 'not his business').
Yes - there are so many things behind it all, I think I'd better shut up and just do it. -
Message 13
Posted by Celtic Tiger (U2229153) on Monday, 2nd November 2009
In your place I would say that you find going out like this during the week is just too tiring for you and suggest your OH goes out alone with his friend.
There's no law that says OH's of good friends necessarily get on with one another. The bestman at our wedding was my OH's best friend from schooldays, a lovely man with whom I too got on very well. Unfortunately he married a woman whom I had nothing in common with - There were no issues like you describe re taking advantage etc - it was just that I found her incredibly boring and so regretably we never socalise as a foursome because I am not willing to spend my valuable time doing so. -
Message 14
Posted by Dirigibles was here (U7278225) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Oh dear. You are probably not alone Cordelia, I suspect that a lot of people go through something similar at this time of the year.
Long standing problems in your psyche aside, I don't see anything wrong in saying a) I don't like her and b) I don't enjoy these evenings out.
Gritting your teeth while other people are getting merry is not a recipe for a happy night, and I suspect that if you really liked the other couple, such details would not bother you, you would just be glad to have their company.
The life-and-soul-of the-party types may seem to have it all, but I wouldn't be surprised if they are outnumbered by the ones who'd rather stay at home!
The reading group I belong to has nine members, and whenever we read a book with an 'outsider' issue, they are all quick to identify with the one that doesn't fit in - lots of us see ourselves as loners, and there is no need to justify it, imo. -
Message 15
Posted by Flakey (U13643566) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
The split down the middle bill thing is so much better than working out what everyone has had, that is awful. I know this is norty but could you invent a dental appt for the Am after the night before and drink your normal amount and get a cab ? if your OH really enjoys it its not many hours out of your whole year.
Flakes -
Message 16
Posted by the_shellgrottolady (U2395646) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Hi
I think i'd go for the taxi option.
You might enjoy it more if you don't have the responsibility of driving and then your OH can enjoy his evening - which you mention he is looking forward to - and it may go better for you as well if you don't feel like the taxi service.
As the bill gets split 50 50 just go for what you like - if you are not much of a drinker indulge in something else ..they're going to drink quite a lot so no need to go for cheap options to keep the bill down!
shell -
Message 17
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Can't you just tell the truth and say that, if they want to do this during the week, you will have to leave a bit early because of having work the next day.
You can then enjoy the evening and you don't have to cut their's short.
Or they might decide to go out at the weekend instead. -
Message 18
Posted by SeptemberMarnie (U2306557) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Sorry to hear this, Cordelia, I'm glad it's not just me that gets into these situations. It spoils the anticipation doesn't it. How about letting your friends drink as much as they want, split the bill, share a taxi ride home then let them pick up the tab for the taxi? Mind you, yet again easier said than done.
Seriously I would either not bother going or just lump it, I'm afraid. -
Message 19
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Message 12 Cordelia love, thank you for your comments about hitting the nail on the head.
As you can see from the replies you've had to OP we've all been in your situation at one time or another!O)
At the end of the day you have to do what's best for you and if you don't want to go just tell your OH why and let him make your excuses.
You DON'T have to put up with someone you dislike, my OH's boss's wife is like this woman, askes a lot of personel questions than gets nasty if you refuse to answer, I went to one of the office do's and ended up telling this woman to mind her own damn bussiness when the questions got TOO personal, than got attacked verbally for doing so.
Lets just say I wasn't the one who ended up looking bad!!O))
Let us know what you decide to do love, just remember it's your choice and no one else's!O)) -
Message 20
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
I've been thinking about your dilemma again Cordelia. Something came up today to make me think I don't really try hard enough to enjoy myself sometimes. I suppose I'm a strange dichotemy between being the life and soul and wanting to stay at home. I know I need a good kick to get me out sometimes, and once I'm out, I usually find I have a good time, and stop worrying about the reasons I didn't want to go.
The Viking is very patient but sometimes he tells me I'm not very fair in not wanting to socialise with (some) of his friends, as he spends so much time with mine. I've only known his friends for a few years now, and I don't think I gave his best friend and his wife a chance.
So, moaning and grizzling and dragging my feet, I went to a sunday lunch in the summer. I knew their three teenage daughters, and little grandaughter would be there, and I wasn't filled with excitement. It was lovely. A really lovely day. They'd gone to so much trouble and we had wonderful food, outside in the sunshine, a real family gathering. I suppose it's because I don't do it now with my own family. I don't have a home big enough to fit them all in now and they all live a way from each other. I get a bit overwhelmed with family noise now to be honest.
This morning they invited us over for a firework, party, and sure enough, off I went again, moaning etc and thanks to this thread, I thought about it...it's an automatic reaction to say no, and I have to do something about my attitude as it's a bit selfish.
After all, as someone said, if your OH gets pleasure from it, a few hours a year isn't a lot to ask is it? There has to be a compromise somewhere.
Now, if you're talking about his other best friend....the one with the decidedly dodgy taste in men..forget it! I'm never going through a night like that again, unless she swaps him for something moderately human.
Oh. I haven't been much help really, but the trouble with these boards, is it brings stuff to the surface ....doesn't it? -
Message 21
Posted by Prof Pepita in Wonderland (U3101721) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Hi Cordelia (sorry- don't know how to do the cedilla etc.on my keyboard!)-
Sorry to read of this dilemma you have. If I were in your shoes I have to admit, I just wouldn't go.
You say this woman has been "incredibly nasty" to you on more than one occasion in the past. I just wouldn't socialise with her in that case- why should you have to grit your teeth and pretend to like someone who has treated you so horribly in the past? I tell you, I'd need a drink to get through such an occasion- but I'd far prefer to just avoid it altogether.
I realise that may not be the wisest, 'best' advice- but that is how I would treat the problem myself. I just don't have any time for socialising in any sort of 'forced' or fake way*- and if someone has been very nasty to you, and it hasn't been resolved in a satisfactory way since, then how can something as intimate as the four of you having dinner together be anything but a little 'forced'/fake (from your POV anyway..)?
*except if the person in question is a relative or a relative's partner etc., in which case sometimes one has to socialise occasionally whatever one's feelings etc. -
Message 22
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Tuesday, 3rd November 2009
Here I am again!
No, blow it! If she's been horrible to you, and never apologised then I wouldn't put myself through it again. One thing though..did you ever tell your OH what she said to you and how upset you are? Have you ever told him what you're telling us? He might prefer a night out with just him and his friend.
Some people have a way of not noticing what is clearly in front of their eyes, just to avoid trouble. Sensitivity dampened by the booze maybe?
Oh I don't know.
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