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Otherwise - hugs wanted
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Message 1.Ìý
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
If you don't want to read a long post but feel kind, you could just give me a hug? For those with time to read...
As those of you that have encountered me on here know, I have bipolar disorder and also a major anxiety problem. I also have obsessive compulsive tendencies, including a tendency to hoard things when I'm feeling insecure and an addiction to spraying my hands with alcohol spray countless times a day. (Few things focus my attention like feeling the germs climbing up my arm and all over me when I touch a bus rail.)
Year after year, I try to recover. It's a bit like that snail that kept popping up in school maths problems. You know, the one that went five inches forward and four inches back. Well, I'm trying to sustain some forward motion but sometimes it feels like I'm slipping back more than going forward.
Bits of me seem to be recovering. I think I do a good job advising at the CAB. But I'm getting feedback that suggests I'm teetering on the border between anxious and paranoid and I'm juggling my antipsychotics, trying to take enough to keep me from going loopy whilst not so much as to zombie me.
I panicked over my bank balance getting too big and I panicked over my benefits, so I killed two birds with one stone by stocking up on stuff like groceries and cat food. Well, food for me I can like or not, but if I'm hungry I'll eat it, but now I'm panicking that maybe I've got the wrong cat food. It comes in boxes of four flavours and I've got sixteen boxes of 48 pouches. My cat has turned her nose up at the red packets twice now so I had a major panic over it and was on the edge of going through all the boxes, extracting 16 x 12 pouches and taking them all to Cats Protection, when I thought this is ridiculous.
It's not that I actually do stuff instantaneously, it's the urge to do so accompanied by awful tension when I don't. I feel I want to explode with tension.
Meanwhile, I can't get away from the feeling that everything's going to fall apart, that I'm going to lose my benefits and lose my home but not be able to work and end up homeless and hungry yet again. Maybe once it's happened to you, you never feel quite sure it won't happen again. -
Message 2
Posted by witchwoman (U2992515) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Hi Sunny,
Sorry you're feeling like this. It's awful when it's the dead of night and you feel as if your worries are overwhelming you completely.
I've often read your posts and have always enjoyed them - you are doing really well, as the majority of your message #1 shows. Please don't let this slight wobble make you feel totally lost. I'm sure the feeling will be fairly short term, and part of the problem is that you're extremely aware of any tiny change in your anxiety levels.
I can't get away from the feeling that everything's going to fall apart, that I'm going to lose my benefits and lose my home but not be able to work and end up homeless and hungry yet again. Maybe once it's happened to you, you never feel quite sure it won't happen again.Ìý
You're almost certainly right with your last sentence - maybe you need to accept that this fear, however much it's *not* founded on fact, is likely to be with you for the foreseeable future. If you can accept it as illogical, that might help you.
Meanwhile, a hug from me to cheer you on this very dark night. Hope you have a reasonable night.
Best wishes
Witchwoman x -
Message 3
Posted by EurekaBlitzen (U11200477) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Cripes, If only I could offer my now...
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Message 4
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Thanks for the hugs. I find the whole process of reaching out to unseen people who could be anywhere most peculiar, but it does work.
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Message 5
Posted by aloysia (U8252408) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Sunny {{{{{hug}}}}
I live with chronic anxiety and feel for you in your situation.
I have to give myself a good talking to on a regular basis so as not to be overwhelmed.
I'm so sorry that you are feeling so vulnerable.
Take care Sunny, you know how much I think of you.
xx -
Message 6
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
SC
Not much I can say as I have no experience akin to yours to enable me to know what you are going through
However it did strike me that taking the red packets to the CPL was a real win win ( well win win win as SC wont have to eat something he doesnt like) in that you have fulfilled your need to stockpile but the cats will benefit as well. It is a step. Some people wouldnt be able to give part of the stash away
I wish you peace. -
Message 7
Posted by EurekaBlitzen (U11200477) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Sunny Clouds - You do realise that you are special, yes? Loved, if Im honest. And a person who could never find themselves without our attention.
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Message 8
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Thank you.
I wanted to phone the Sams but I couldn't work out what to say, and I'm glad I shared it here instead. -
Message 9
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Hi Sunny,
The very fact that you can reach out on here means that you are coping sweetie.
We may only be cyber friends but I'm sure there are many like me who look for your posts and care about your welfare.
hang in there girl, you are doing just fine. But my heart goes out to you and your battle with anxiety.
Am sending a big hug your way, and altho it is a cyber one if i were there right now it would be a real one.
kris x -
Message 10
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Sunny, we know you are wonderful. You do more than most people who don't have to contend with your 'problems', you're quite inspirational really. I hope that you're soon feeling on a more even keel.
(hugs) -
Message 11
Posted by groovymy3("didn't catpee~not nuffin, not no how") (U14178645) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Sunny loadsa {{hugs}} {{bearhugs}} {{fluffy}}
Have read
Take good care
G
xx -
Message 12
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Tuesday, 10th November 2009
Thank you.
-
Message 13
Posted by captainbenayoun (U13326760) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Sunny, don't do hugs in RL, but I make an exception for you. BIG HUGS.
Lots of Love
Cap -
Message 14
Posted by JoleBlon (U12091094) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Sunny Clouds : {{{{{hugs}}}}}
wishing you peace of mind, and a change of mind in the fussy puss concerning red pouches. -
Message 15
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you. My brother doesn't do hugs either, although once I saw my mother sneak in a sort of near hug when he was in hospital. Hugs from non-huggy people can mean so much.
-
Message 16
Posted by MrsGks (U14084771) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi Sunny
I'm sorry that you are in a difficult place at the moment. I have no words of wisdom for you but I can offer {{hugs}}. I make a mean cup of tea and always have something chocolaty to hand which I'm willing to share if that helps.
I was going to mention therapy but since you've had these problems for some time, I'm guessing you've already been down that route?
I think you are a caring person.
From what you've posted about your work at the CAB I think you do a good job even though you worry about it the night before you go.
You bought food for SCat which she doesn't like so you took it to the CP for other cats so that they can benefit.
If it helps, just keep posting.
Sending you hugs
MrsGks -
Message 17
Posted by Angua - the vegetarian werewolf and Official Shoe Monitor (U3750755) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:18 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 1
{{{{{{HUGS}}}}} -
Message 18
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you.
I gave blood yesterday and there was a member of staff there who works full time and they have bipolar. It is so difficult to stop myself drawing the comparison: how come he can get it together to work and I can't? I don't know how to get past that.
It's like I draw comparisons between myself and my father. I don't want to give details, because I don't want to identify him, but he's a very hard act to follow. It's so very difficult to feel satisfied with what I have achieved instead of feeling frustrated over what I haven't. -
Message 19
Posted by Angua - the vegetarian werewolf and Official Shoe Monitor (U3750755) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Wed, 11 Nov 2009 00:22 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 18
Blimey Sunny -you have achieved more that loads of people who don't have your medical situation..
Tough when you feel like that... -
Message 20
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
On good days I can feel good about what I have achieved, and on not so good days I see what I'm not achieving now.
-
Message 21
Posted by patchwork pattie (U6985101) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
SC - don't worry about the cat not liking some of the food - he/she will probably decide the despised food is the favourite flavour next month - if not, CP will be very appreciative.
Have another hug from me - and give the cat a cuddle (if allowed). Cats can be very understanding people, and excellent listeners!
A purr from Cleo cat to you from her curled up position on my lap. -
Message 22
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you to Cleo from Sunny Cat. I don't know how she puts up with me. Her worst job is waking me up for her breakfast, which is a performance like Simon's Cat.
-
Message 23
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Sunny -
Will you accept a {{{hug}}} from me, even tho we've hardly met before now?
I think you are doing OK, you know, just being very aware that it's a fine edge you are on at the moment, but it sounds as though you know all about these episodes and have/can cope well
You have a lovely name and sound sunny by nature as well!
Smoctus -
Message 24
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you. I've been reading quite a few posts by you recently and look forward to them.
-
Message 25
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
What a lovely thing to say!
How are you feeling right now, Sunny? -
Message 26
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Like I want to go out. I used to go and sleep rough when I felt like this. It's so hard to stay indoors. I want to walk outside and find someone, anyone, to be with. Even just to sit in the middle of a traffic island and know that there are people in cars going round me.
I wish there was a National Hug Service, where you could call out the duty Hugger or maybe go to the out of hours Hugging Clinic.
Sometimes when I'm like this, I call the Sams, but I don't know what I'd say tonight. I spoke to a friend earlier but I couldn't talk, so I wrote a letter to her and posted it first class instead. -
Message 27
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
So - you are Up and raring to be active? But you also want some human contact? Well, why not give the Sams a go? Just tell them what you've told me and they'll keep talking to you.
Have you got any medication, btw, or do you usually battle this out by yourself?
Look, all of us who are around on the board at the moment are with you and willing you through this night, so take the deep breaths and remind yourself you've been here before and are actually coping very well.
I wish I could be of more active help, Sunny, but I'm incredibly ignorant about polar in spite of having a young cousin who suffers from it.
Anyway, I'll hang around for a little longer so you can tell me if you want to talk. If you don't want to, please just tell me to shove off and I won't get the hump!
Here's another {{{hug}}} to be going on with... -
Message 28
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
It's not really wanting to be physically active so much as not being able to settle still. I keep getting up and pacing around the flat. It's cold out, and I keep telling myself there's no one there anyway. Before I moved house, there were always people wandering around where I lived, but here seems to be rather deserted except at the weekends. This is what my DLA is for - care day and night - but how do you hire someone for the unpredictable crises?
It's helping to have had some hugs. Maybe what would do me most good would be to go and read some threads in TB and think of something other than my woes, like the PM's spelling or whatever other news has taken over the media.
Thank you to everyone. -
Message 29
Posted by anagramladysin (U13783319) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hey Sunny
If you want to phone the Sams, do .... they are there *all* the time and you really really don't have to have prepared a script beforehand.
Sending you good vibes
x -
Message 30
Posted by Sara Jayne (U2368084) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi Sunny,
I'm not really a huggy person either, but for you I'll make an exception. ((( O ))) . I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling tonight. Everybody has moments when it's just so much easier to focus on the bad than the good, so can I just point out some of the good?
You're holding down a job (the fact that it's voluntary is irrelevant). You're keeping a roof over your head.
You're staying in tonight and staying safe despite the urge to go out.
You're taking care of your cat (who is being unreasonable about the lovely food you have bought, as cats often are.
It's tempting to make comparisons, but rarely useful. The nurse with bipolar may well appear to be holding it together better than you feel you are. They have bipolar, but they aren't you. Bipolar is just one aspect of your life and may be the only thing you have in common with this person.
Please try to remember that your life is a work in progress. There are so many ways it will change and improve. It already has after all. Perhaps you could try thinking of it as being on the up slope now, with odd wobble here and there.
I hope you start to feel more settled soon,
HUGS,
Sara -
Message 31
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Would reading other threads help to settle you down a bit, do you think? If so, go for it.
btw, I'm feeling very sorry for GB re his spelling right now. Some psychiatrist apparently looked at the letter and gave it as his opinion that it showed all the hallmarks of a man under great strain and in a hurry. I wish the Sun would leave Mrs. Janes alone!
Right, if you think you might be all right with the other threads I think I'll slope off to bed now. If you get lonely you can always post a Calling All Ozzies thread of your own! And rather than pacing why not put on some music and dance? You know, like Strictly!
Nite nite and take care.
Smoctus -
Message 32
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you.
-
Message 33
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Mind drifting.
Once upon a time, I loved a man. He wasn't the only man I ever loved, but it seemed this time that we were going to be together forever.
One night he had a phone call from his regiment. He had to go overseas.
He never came back to me.
Not only did he not come back, but although he stayed at my house, his possessions were in barracks and we weren't married so there was no way I could ever know whether he was dead or whether he'd simply abandoned me.
So today I shall remember the man I loved, who might have been killed and who might simply have walked out on me. -
Message 34
Posted by Oz (U6102444) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi Sunny
Well I confess to be a very huggy person indeed.
It is a fault/foible of mine so I am well practiced and don't hurt so you are, on this night, actually on any night more than welcome to a hug from me.
Sorry you are on a low but you can see from this that there are lots who care.
Oz -
Message 35
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U7606212) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Thank you, Oz. I've listened to some music - Love is Everything (Lang) and Suicide is Painless (Mandel) and Sunny Cat has kept me company. She's gone to sleep now so I must be sending out calmer vibrations. I'm going to turn off my computer and draw up a list of things to do tomorrow (which is one way of reassuring myself that tomorrow exists and consists of manageable activities).
Thank you to everyone for the hugs. -
Message 36
Posted by Nomadnomore - XNo - Quiz Queen (U3180380) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi Sunny,
Your stars are out so I hope you are getting some sleep. Unconditional support and hugs from me. (another one who doesn't usually do on-line hugs).
Here are a few spare ones to call on whenever you need them.
{hug} {hug} {hug} {hug} {hug} {hug} {hug} -
Message 37
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi Sunny,
Just want to say that none of your problems seem evident from your posts unless you tell us about them.
You seem one of the calmest, sanest, common sensical people on these boards. I'd never have put you down as 'borderline paranoid and anxious'. Not in a million Sundays.
Could it be that people are projecting things on you?
Everyone makes mistakes. YOu can't figure out what your cat will like. Especially cats - who seem to be very imperious... I always think of them as some sort of Marie Antoinette of the animal world. Fussy and they like things 'just so'. Maybe you could find someone who could do a swap with you? Someone whose cat sniffs at differently coloured cat food packets?
"It's not that I actually do stuff instantaneously, it's the urge to do so accompanied by awful tension when I don't. I feel I want to explode with tension."
You and me both. I have a big list of things I want or need to do and then what do I do? Something else entirely. Again, I think this is normal for some people. My mother wouldn't go off and do something else entirely, but my dad and I would.
"Meanwhile, I can't get away from the feeling that everything's going to fall apart, that I'm going to lose my benefits and lose my home but not be able to work and end up homeless and hungry yet again."
Again, I think it's normal to be anxious about things. My worry right now is that the work dries up and I'll have to move again to a smaller flat when, for once in my life, I have a decent-sized flat. On the outside, I don't look worried, but I just mentioned this worry to my mum and burst out into tears. That surprised even me - I thought I was stronger. But, yeah, it worries my stomach, it worries me at night and gives me anxious dreams. So I think your worries are normal, too. I think most people do worry about this, that and the other, too. HOWEVER, a lot of them will never tell you about this. In the UK, the answer to "How are you?" is "Fine". In Germany, the answer would be a fifteen-minute monologue on what is wrong in their life. -
Message 38
Posted by Lindy (U9525153) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
{{{{{{Hugs to you Sunny Cloud}}}}}}
Lindyx -
Message 39
Posted by Doodlysquat (U13738858) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Good morning Sunny.
I have been coming in to ML for almost a year now and right from the start you were one of my favorite posters...still are.
I'm sorry you are struggling and wish there was something I could say to make things better for you.
Love n hugs n other stuff.
suze...who doesn't usually do cyber hugs. -
Message 40
Posted by E Yore (U1479700) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Wed, 11 Nov 2009 08:08 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 1
Sunny, I've only just seen this (not being an evening person at all.)
[[[[[[[[[HUGS]]]]]]]]]
Please repeat the following statement (Coué method) every day, several times a day:
"I am a wonderful, intelligent, giving person who is of great service to the community at large and very much loved by a variety of people dressed in mustard".
Someone (Laura?) once had this tip for someone who was fighting depression/difficulty: can you pin something like a mustard ribbon somewhere unobtrusive on your clothes. When the silence around you drives you inwards, look at it, fondle it, remember how much value you have in the eyes of so many strangers who are your friends. No one can take that away from you, ever.
Hugs, E. -
Message 41
Posted by gigglemahanaz (U13930412) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Morning Sunny,
Now I'm going to shout.........
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS IT FEELS OR AS BAD AS YOU THINK IT IS OK?!
I know you're in a dark and lonely place at the moment but you have ML and friends here you can talk to as and when you need it.
So what if the cat doesn't like the red packets of food? It's not the end of the world is it really? Animals like ourselves have likes and dislikes.....give the cat a few weeks and try him/her again with it, Mum's Jack Russell used to go like that!!
As for the grems thing love, well if you're dealing with the Social Securiety than I'm not surprised you feel the way you do as most of them are cretins although you do get some really nice ones who will go out of the way to help you!!
Just remember you are who you are and what you've been through and are going through makes you the funny, warm person you are so try and stop over analyseing everything!!O))))
You are doing your best to live as "normal" a life as you can with your illness and from your posts here you are doing a good job of it love!!O)
So here's a HIYA from little un and a wave and from me, well, it's SSDD (Same sh*t diffrent day!)!!O)) -
Message 42
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hugs from me, honey-bun. So glad you had the sense to come into ML when you were in trouble. Hope the dawning of a new day has brought better things - although its very murky and grim here, the horizon was on view at 8.00 and has now disappeared at 8.15!
These "comparison" thoughts you have been having over the chap at the Blood Donation service and your father - we all have those you know. I spend half my life comparing myself with others. Its a pretty futile exercise as I am sure you know when you are feeling better.
Hope today is a better one.
LynnieP x -
Message 43
Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
It's futile to compare yourself with others. You can only compare like with like and as each single person is a unique collection of atoms, experiences, likes and dislikes how can one ever compare two people?
-
Message 44
Posted by Fire-Pig - proud to wave the protest banner (U12231213) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Like E Yore I did not see this last night, so could not send any hugs then. What she said in message 40 was so good I thought I'd repeat it here Please repeat the following statement (Coué method) every day, several times a day:
"I am a wonderful, intelligent, giving person who is of great service to the community at large and very much loved by a variety of people dressed in mustard".
Someone (Laura?) once had this tip for someone who was fighting depression/difficulty: can you pin something like a mustard ribbon somewhere unobtrusive on your clothes. When the silence around you drives you inwards, look at it, fondle it, remember how much value you have in the eyes of so many strangers who are your friends. No one can take that away from you, ever.
Ìý
Have some hugs to store in case you need them later
(((((( hugs ))))))
F-P -
Message 45
Posted by Flakey (U13643566) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Sunny clouds here is a big HUG for you and a snuggle for sunny cat.
Take care.
Flakey xxx -
Message 46
Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Hi, Sunny. *HUG*
I hope you're feeling ok today. I've told you before that I have no personal knowledge of bipolar, but reading your posts has made me understand that the problems and stresses you live with are the same mine - just enlarged and exaggerated to varying degrees. You're not as different as you think - or perhaps that should say that /we/ are not as different as we think.
It seems to me that, as long as you recognise your difficulties and try to address them, you are in control.
Do small things that you enjoy do anything to drive off your amxiety? I ask because I know that works for me - tiny things like stroking my cat, standing in the garden and feeling the rain on my face, coming here and reading the posts from amazing people who are coping with huge problems and yet always have time and compassion for others. These things just make me more relaxed when I'm feeling stressed and I wonder if that type of thing is any help to you.
Sunny, you are amazing. You are a unique individual. You don't have to emulate anyone else - just be the best you can for yourself and be proud of your achievements. -
Message 47
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{huggs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
And don't forget that when you look at yourself you see the inside. When you look at other people you see the outside. Not the same thing at all.
You might be very surprised indeed if you knew what other people see when they look at you - some samples are provided above.
Do ring Sams next time. They are up all night anyway (they used not to be, they used to sleep, but they don't now) and it is nice for them to have someone to talk to (!) and also if they are any good they should be comfortable with silence, so if you don't know what to say, it doesn't matter. -
Message 48
Posted by Alsdouble (U524298) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
Right. I don't do long posts but, as requested, I haven't had body contact for a while so, here's an 'ug.
Pending an answer to this question: Are you a bloke? (Cos if you are I'll have to wear a black bin bag.) -
Message 49
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
It really is just self perception. I am really comfortable in my own skin and yet have absolutely no talents whatsoever not even a small one. It really doesnt bother me because I know I have other strengths even if they arent measurable. I think you need to have some sort of shift towards liking yourself for who you are and not comparing yourself to others ( something else it would never occur to me to do because we all have different strengths and weaknesses). Not easy I know but hopefully with support you will get there. You have loads going for you and a splendid spirit. -
Message 50
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Wednesday, 11th November 2009
whitby, do I need to send you yet another e-mail detailing your talents, or do you want me to embarrass you here in public?????
Your people skills are second to none. Empathy, hearing between the lines, capacity to give GOOD advice in a kind way, capacity to give CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, the lot.
You are an extremely good driver.
You are clearly a good trainer although I haven't had direct experience of that.
You are a good organiser.
You are inventive and creative.
You have an artistic eye.
You - OK, OK, I can see you getting that blunt instrument ready to throw at me, but I Could Go On.
Excuse me for a brief thread-hijack.
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