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DECEMBER; FINAL WRITERS GROUP [for a while]

• Message 1.聽

  Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Tuesday, 1st December 2009

  December鈥�.The last month, reflections of a year past, Christmas, the cold of a British winter, a desperate frenzy of shopping, a winter holiday, or, as usual, whatever you feel the need to write about. I would like to add something else鈥�..the history of the group over the past few years. We started with the birth of the Village Hall and have kept going ever since, coming to the conclusion in November that it could be time for a break, so be it. Could I ask for a small contribution from past participants? Shall we be going out with a bang or a whimper?

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Wednesday, 2nd December 2009

  Gosh Suepet, hope we can keep going, not least because, selfishly, I need the inspiration I get from the group and also because I love reading everyone's work, there's been some wonderful stuff over the years. I've written something, below, that I woke up thinking about the other day, not Christmassy or anything, I'm afraid.
  
  
  
  Ears.
  
  
  Josey: I should never have agreed to be a judge on The X Factor. OK, so Cheryl was off with the flu and they were stuck and to tell you the truth I was a bit flattered and in need of the cash so I said yes. It was OK at first, Simon was quite nice really, and his trousers don鈥檛 come up under his armpits as everyone says they do. Louis and Dannii were welcoming and I鈥檇 got myself a new frock. All went well till we had to decide between these two singers, who to send home. I chose to send home this good looking young chap on the grounds he didn鈥檛 sing as well as the other one 鈥� fair enough, you might say, but he was livid. 鈥淵ou鈥檒l pay for that,鈥� he hissed as he exited the stage
  
  ...and blimey, I started sprouting something on my head the next day. Just little buds at first, but each day they got longer till now they鈥檙e full-blown asses鈥� ears. I鈥檝e had to grow my hair, and here I am at the hairdresser鈥檚 and Sharon鈥檚 sworn to secrecy as she gives me the full Amy Winehouse to hide my new appendages.
  
  鈥淗ow鈥檚 your boyfriend?鈥� she says, 鈥淚t鈥檚 so nice you鈥檙e in a stable relationship.鈥� I give her a glare in the mirror 鈥� our eyes meet.
  
  鈥淧ass up,鈥� she says to her assistant, 鈥渕ore of those long pins, we don鈥檛 want madam鈥檚 hair looking like a load of hay, do we?鈥�
  
  鈥淕oing away for the weekend?鈥� I ask her, before she can ask me the same.
  
  鈥淭hought we鈥檇 go to CANTERbury,鈥� she says, 鈥渋f I can gee my husband up.鈥� She gets out the hairspray and gives my barnet a blast. 鈥淟ovely!鈥� she exclaims, and holds up the mirror for me to see the back. Great. You can鈥檛 notice my ears at all; I鈥檓 beginning to like this look, actually.
  
  鈥淣ot a word, Sharon, remember,鈥� I say as a pay her. She鈥檚 not getting a tip, though, after those remarks.
  
  
  Sharon: I couldn鈥檛 help myself. I mean, asses鈥� ears! It wasn鈥檛 as though Josey was all that before, but now, well what an ass she looks. And NO TIP! She鈥檚 sworn me not to tell, and I did try, really I did, but it all got too much for me. I got up one morning and I was bursting to tell someone, I knew if I didn鈥檛 let it out I鈥檇 explode. What to do? On my way to work I walk along the river, and I was just thinking who to confide in when I had an idea. I鈥檒l just whisper it to those reeds, I thought, maybe that鈥檒l get it out of my system. I knelt down on the bank and went, 鈥淛osey has asses鈥� ears, Josey has asses鈥� ears...鈥�
  
  
  Josey: Huh, everybody in town knows about my ears now. That Sharon. She鈥檚 in big trouble. If only I could find a way of getting rich I鈥檇 be right out of here. I鈥檓 fed up really, try to be nice to people and what do you get? Why only yesterday there was an old drunk in my garden and I felt sorry for him. Took him in and gave him coffee and something to eat. Mind you, he has promised me anything I want in return. I think I鈥檓 going to ask him to make me rich, some sort of golden touch would be great.
  
  
  
  
  

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Wednesday, 2nd December 2009

  Now where did you get the inspiration for that fairy story? Could you be a fan like me, stuck in front of the TV every Saturday...I love it.
  Ofcourse that little elf Joe will win, coming from South Shields and all.
  
  This December, I shall make time to write a Christmas story and print it out for my angel scrap book. Over the years I have printed out quite a few of the posts here...not only my own work but some very good writing.
  
  Bisous

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Thursday, 3rd December 2009

  Morning Suepetal. Hope you will put your Christmas story up here.
  
  Inspiration eh? too much time in front of the telly.
  
  PS I kinda want Stacey to win, now, but I doubt she will, somehow.

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 4.

  Posted by Alsdouble (U524298) on Thursday, 3rd December 2009

  ANATOMY OF A COLD.
  
  A cold got hold of mi' 'ead.
  Said 'You look smug.
  I'm here to bug you.
  Try this nail into your brain.
  It's my mate, he's called virus.
  And we're here to cause you pain'
  
  'Oooh, not nice eh,
  try this one. Get the axe.
  Head slightly forward,
  Right between vertebrae one and two,
  Thhhwack!
  That'll do.
  
  What's that, your limbs have turned to jelly.
  here,
  I'll do some work on the glands in your belly.
  And, open wide,
  Let me slide this hundreweight of broken glass down there.
  Cough!
  Ooo, rasping, dry,
  What's that 'why me?'
  
  No reason, it's my pleasure to make you feel like a drain.
  Teach you to stay out of the rain,
  on a cold day,
  It is Decemeber.
  This time last year,
  I'd filled many a bier by this time.
  But I think you'll survive.
  
  What's that, your mouth tastes like
  a much used wrestler's jock-strap?
  
  Good, 'ere have another fag.
  It'll make you feel better.
  Deep drag, Ooooh, the wheezing.
  Eh? You're having trouble breathing?
  
  Have a hot-toddy.
  Some whisky, lemon, honey.
  Get some painkillers down you.
  
  They wont work, but,
  it's all in the mind you see.
  
  Think happy, think 'I am well.'
  Pay no attention to me.
  
  You're boring me now.
  Let's nip down the supermarket with those uncontrollable blast spray sneezes
  and drippy nose,
  so you can pass on the diseases.
  To fifty more victims.'
  
  'One more thing.
  Don't forget, I'll be back.
  And when I return,
  it will be, once again, bigger, worse
  and you will have forgotten everything.'

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Thursday, 3rd December 2009

  Oh als, I do sympathise. They'm buggers they colds.

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by suepetal (U11727954) on Thursday, 3rd December 2009

  Me too, [Sue says keeping her distance]
  
  Still if you are stuck inside you can always do a bit of writing.
  
  I am now turning my hand to the Panto script over in the bull, feel free to join me for a bit of fun and scribbles.
  
  Bisous

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by eriskay (U2846175) on Saturday, 5th December 2009

  Cheap lights from China
  Shine in a Scottish December.
  Global warming?

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Lars Post (U2291030) on Saturday, 5th December 2009

  Writers Group can't 'close'.
  What a bleak winter ahead.
  How will we survive?

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