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Looking after yourself - any advice?

• Message 1. 

  Posted by very_vague (U9649391) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  I’ve had quite a stressful year – amongst other things OH & I have moved to a different country (the third in 5 years) which involved me quitting my job. It’s taken a while but we’re beginning to settle down again, although I’ve only found casual work here (of the babysitting/ proof-reading type). I also volunteer in a couple of positions so I do keep active and meet people in my own right.
  
  However, all of this has been a lot of emotional work for me – leaving our home (again), setting up somewhere new, losing a lot of financial independence & self-esteem after leaving my job, trying to make new friends, not to mention trying to find a ‘proper’ job in the middle of a recession - and I’m beginning to find things a bit tough, especially in the run up to Christmas. I’ve noticed that I’m finding it hard to sleep and I’m losing my appetite. I also get a bit weepy and can over-react to small frustrations and challenges (e.g. I got really worked up in the post office the other day – which is really out of character for me as I’m normally very laid back).
  
  Anyway, I don’t think I’m depressed as I’m fundamentally quite content – I know we’ve made the right decision and that I’m making a lot of progress settling in. I’m feeling pretty positive about the future and I do still feel motivated to go out and enjoy life. OH has been wonderful and we’re getting on really well together.
  
  But I know that I need to look after myself at the moment, and I’m also aware that I’ve been leaning on my OH a lot recently. So the question is, what kind of things can I do to help myself feel better? I’d appreciate any suggestions – ideally for things that don’t cost a lot and that I don’t need to do with a friend as I don’t really have any close friends here yet.
  
  PS: Sorry to be difficult but also I don’t have a bath and live in the middle of a big city without a car so don’t have any access to the countryside.
  

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  I was recently feeling frazzled myself, too - so much so that I got ill for an entire week. I think it was the body telling me that I had to try and slow down.
  
  I remember that I was in that state before and I found a shiatsu massage to be most relaxing. I reckon my stress level was reduced by about 1/3 immediately. Shiatsu involves no oils or anything greasy. Very relaxing.
  
  I have also found it to be more relaxing if I didn't watch things TV programmes (don't have a TV set but can watch TV programmes via the Internet). Switching the TV off has been found to be very relaxing.
  
  Curl up on the sofa with a good book and some nice music. And just daydream if you like. I was doing this yesterday evening. Book in hand, mind far, far away. In the summer, I found sitting on the balcony all afternoon just sitting back in a chair, feet on the balcony wall and a coffee nearby and a book on the lap was absolutely marvellous. Almost like being on holiday.
  
  Remember what you enjoyed doing as a child? Do that now. Lose yourself in some enjoyable activity.
  
  The Germans have a saying.. something along the lines of 'letting all five fingers go straight' - i.e. doing absolutely nothing.
  
  Right now.. I have found the current composer of the week on Radio 3 to be utterly marvellous. Tuesday wasn't so great but Friday (currently playing) is turning out to be lovely.
  
  
  

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• Message 3

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  Posted by rainbowLaure (U8486235) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  Sounds like depression to me. It might not be serious depression, but you need to address it - and I don't mean run to the doctor. You don't have to totally stressed and miserable to be depressed.
  
  Just do things that give you joy - little things are just as good. You will know what these are for you - for me, feeling the rain on my face, looking at the sun shining on the leaves of a tree, hearing the birds waking up in the morning...
  
  Find work you enjoy and which makes you feel you are making a contribution. Even if it is unpaid work, it will boost your self-esteem while you look for something else.
  
  And, most important, come here to grizzle. Lots of good listeners in ML.

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by DragonFluff (U6879248) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  In reply to very_vague in message 1
  
  Hello, VV. I've been in that situation but only moved around the UK, with an ex-partner's job. It is hard making new friends and finding out what's going on.
  
  One thing I'd recommend is regular exercise. You sound as if you work from home sometimes - if so, you can just get up and take a 10 minute walk each day and discover the area around your home. It'll boost your endorphins, making you feel better and get some light on your face, which is important at this time of year.
  
  Could you and your OH work on this together? You say you live in a city - are there museums, galleries, touristy things that you could do together at weekends, to get to know the new place? One mistake I made in a couple of places I lived was not going and looking at the lovely things the cities had to offer - it's a shame not to.
  
  I hope you settle in soon - these things do take time, and sometimes it feels like an uphill struggle. But I'm sure you'll make friends soon - as you say, you're doing voluntary work, you'll meet like minded people.
  
  Fluff

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• Message 5

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  Posted by That Old Janx Spirit (U2140966) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  I would call it more 'doing too much all at once' rather than 'being depressed'. Had that, taken the tablets, seen the psychiatrists, cried myself rivers for two years at least. What I've had recently is being frazzled by unrelenting 'stuff to do'.
  
  In such an event, you have to stop doing stuff for a while. The world will not go under. Even two days ago I had no interest in anything. No energy, no appetite. It is slowly coming back now that I've had a bit of a break (no work today for one thing).

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• Message 6

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  Posted by very_vague (U9649391) on Friday, 11th December 2009

  Thank you all for your kind responses. There are a few great ideas there that seem feasible for me.
  
  Dame Celia, I hadn't considered a massage but will definitely look into it. I've found them extremely relaxing in the past and it might well be worth it.
  
  Also I think DragonFluff's point about taking more excercise is a great one. I went for a long-ish walk today and it did lift my spirits, and also stimulated my appetite which is a good thing. I'll just have to make the effort to do it more often!
  
  Thanks also, rainbowLaure - I don't think that I'm depressed per se, but I do know that I need to address how I'm feeling otherwise I think I might become depressed if you see what I mean.
  
  I'll definitely keep my mind open to things that I do for myself. I think part of the problem is that I've got used to taking my own piece of mind for granted and now that I'm having a more tricky time of it I need to be conscious of not putting too many demands on myself.
  
  Unfortunately I have a big commitment over the weekend that I really don't want to have to do, but really can't pull out of at this stage. But I know that I'll just have to grit my teeth and get through the next 3 days and then start concentrating on myself a bit more.
  
  It is great to be able to write about this though, and to have such a helpful sounding board. Thank you!

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• Message 7

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  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 12th December 2009

  I think there are recognised patterns of the emotions and so on that you move through when you move country. I was talking to someone who lived abroad for a few years, and he said it was really annoying to find he was almost a textbook case! Anyway, I don't know the details, but I think it can move between highs of being excited about it all, and homesickness and being tired of having to think about things you'd take for granted at home (just dealing with day to day life and so on), and obviously that's worse if you are living somewhere that doesn't have your mother tongue as its first language.
  
  Sometimes, it does help to understand why things are getting on top of you - sometimes I get weepy, and it's only after I realise that it's partly because I'm premenstrual or whatever, so I don't know if hormones or other physical things could be having an effect. And of course, it does tend to be a rather fraught time of year anyway for lots of people, and there are lots of things going on for everyone, and a lot of people ending up trying to do too much at once.
  
  
  
  
  But whatever the causes, I'd go for taking time for yourself. Go for a walk - even if you can't get to the countryside, there are probably parks or something around. Also, walking around a city is a great way to get a good idea of how different areas connect. What's the public transport like? Can you take trips out a few stops to a new area and walk round there? Can you get public transport to the countryside at the weekend or anything? That will depend hugely on where you live, but I bet you're not as country-free as you might think, if you're determined.
  
  Do you have a bike at all? And if so, is it a city you'd feel safe cycling in? I know I'd not have the nerve to cycle in some busy cities, and I used to cycle everywhere.
  
  What sort of things have you enjoyed in the past? Is there a swimming pool nearby, or icerink, or other sports club? A spa and a massage is a good idea. I would take a day out for local museums and galleries, as I like doing that sort of thing. What about the cinema or theatre, where you have to sit quietly and concentrate on what is showing for a couple of hours? Or music.
  
  You don't have to go out - lie on the sofa reading or watching a favourite film on DVD. Do you have a garden, or space for pots that you could do something with? Do you paint or sew or knit or do other crafts?
  
  What things helped you relax in the past? But don't start up anything which will make you feel like you're taking on more. Look at other things you can cut back on. Unless you've just spilt a pot plant or something, it's rare that the vacuuming can't wait another day or so. There probably are things you can find some time from.

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• Message 8

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  Posted by Marlow's pipe (U14180837) on Saturday, 12th December 2009

  I was just going to say what several have already said - excercise. Good for you, good for your mind, a city walk can also help you find unexpected gems, though nothing beats a good stroll in the country.
  
  Dogs for walks are good, if you don't have a dog, you could consider volunteering at a dog shelter. Not that you need a dog.
  
  Stuff you can get totally involved in is good, a really good book, a very good film etc

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