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Christmas with The Aspergers.....
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Message 1.Â
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
We are a family with various members on various places on the ASD spectrum, at various ages (trying to be careful with divulging personal info here).
Does anyone have any suggestions for anjoying a happy Aspie Christmas, especially meal times, sharing, noise, change of routine etc. We have learned over the years how to do reasonably well and certainly don't try and do all the traditional things. I'm interested in how other families have sorted out some of the difficutl bits, and if there are any fun things for us all to share in that we have yet to try. -
Message 2
Posted by DragonFluff (U6879248) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
In reply to somewhathopefulsnowdrop in message 1
Morning, Snowdrop - just so you know someone's seen your post, I thought I'd reply. I don't have any direct experience, but I know some posters do, both through work and family. I've drawn attention to the thread elsewhere, but lots of people with relevant experience are at work or busy at the moment. I'm sure someone will reply with something helpful later on.
Fluff -
Message 3
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Hi Snowdrop. My son, aged 15, has Aspergers and ADORES christmas! We tend to keep things the same every year, not just for him, but that's the way everyone likes it! Same food, decorations in the same place, same routine, sigh. He is, actually, ok with the times of things changing, but food has to be exactly the same.
One thing that made a big difference to him is knowing what all his christmas presents are, even to the extent, sometimes, of looking at them beforehand to check that the right thing has been bought. He hates surprises and says that he looks forward to his presents more when he knows what they are.
We always have christmas at home which does reduce anxiety, but it is important to him that for each meal he is sitting in his usual place at the table, regardless of how many, or what variety, of other people are there on the day. If we are out for a meal, or at someone elses house, we try and let him choose his seat first so it is somewhere he feels comfortable and secure. If you are away for christmas it may be an idea to let your AS person choose 'their' seat and keep it for the rest of the visit.
Each AS person is so different it is difficult to suggest things!! -
Message 4
Posted by strawberrysunrise (U10452397) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
We are a family with various members on various places on the ASD spectrum, at various ages
snap
we just do it the way that suits us, extra fun this year as we are visiting family with the same situation,
I just ask what everyone expects and when they expect it and that's what we do, how ever strange it seems to others,
it's meant to be fun for everyone so we try to keep everyone in their comfort zones. -
Message 5
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Thank you so much for these warm replies, I really appreciate them. Fluff, how thoughtful of you to reply with such kind reassurance; and so much rings true with us from the other posts: sitting at the same place at the table, same decorations etc. We now laughing (mostly) embrace the phrase: "Christmas wouldn't be christmas without...[ ]. "Then we can fill in virtually anything because if it is remembered happening once and was good...it is needed again!
Here at snowdropville we have given up trying to have a Christmas dinner, so instead everybody feasts on whatever christmas goodies suit them throughout the day. I do miss this, but it just got too stressful - firstly the actual cooking, trying to get everything ready at once - this of course is shared by all families - but the added stress of making sure that the limited range of food that my different snowdroplets will eat is all prepared "in the same way as usual"...just got too much. At least if something comes out of a packet then it is pretty much guaranteed to be the same!
We do cook up some tasty Christmas treats but tend to sit down together on boxing day when there is just a bit less going on. I miss being able to sit down and enjoy a long family meal but once i learned to let this go things improved greatly.
Staying at home suits us best. My most affected snowdroplet does need to know what at least some of the presents are to be - surprises for this one are not fun. Again, it is about letting go of how I would expect to celebrate, and realising that each have their own way.
Oh I could go on an on about life in snowdropville. We are lucky and have a lovely life and enjoy lots of support. sometimes, though, it just feels a bit like we aren't doing it "properly". The radio is full of "how to make proper gravy" (mine like to have it out of a packet); oh and it seems lots of stuff like that. On days like this when i am feeling a bit sorry for myself (don't know why) I get a bit down because although I know we are doing well and that what matters is that we share goodwill etc sometimes, just sometimes it feels that we are not getting it "right".
Am I having a whinge? I'm not sure, I think I want to say that however we celebrate, it is about kindness, as much tolerance as possible and feeling a bit of seasonal joy with each other. My snowdroplets do not relish many of the 'usual' festive activities - parties, church-going, crowded christmas shopping etc. Maybe it is a time of year when i am sensitive to a 'perceived' pressure to do it 'normally'.
I think what i am ultimately trying to say is that there is always a balance between encouraging flexibility and co-operation within snowdropville and allowing for personal space and withdrawal. It would be so easy to allow individual retreat to bedrooms and playstations, but I know that would not only be ultimately limiting, it would also mean us ALL missing out on special time together. It is just that in Aspie families, special time together does seem to need managing rather carefully.
Sorry for this long and rambling post. Just trying to make a bit of contact really. Happy Festivities all. x x -
Message 6
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Bookmarking and hello!
Similar with presents to welshteddy, plus no point in buying surprises they just get ignored! Much easier to just get him what he wants.
We let him disappear at will, he can do a sit down meal but not the sitting about gossiping bit, its' eat it and go. So we just let him go.
Can cause problems at other peoples houses a bit tho! -
Message 7
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Right just read thead properly, as opposed to launching off, oops!
Got to go and be coherent but will return to waffle on a bit, no doubt about that I suspect.
xx -
Message 8
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
other people's houses Laministrelle. Even if they know about "The Diagnosis", do you find that allowing disappearances, odd eating traits etc attracts disapproval? Even within the wider family, I still am looked at like I am being indulgent of "poor behaviour". You would think after all this time i would have learned not to let this bother me. Most of the time it doesn't but sometimes...
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Message 9
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
sorry for mis-type in your Name, above in my post. May i use La Min? Have seen some of your posts elsewhere and value your viewpoint. will look forward to any more ramblings from yourself and fellow posters.
Thank you all for responding -
Message 10
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Ooh thank you snowdrop, LaMin is fine, very diva-ish!
I've been thinking about that one, we have had some odd reactions for sure. I have developed a very thick skin though and will fight his corner. But this year we are going to a siblings for Christmas day where it won't be a problem at all, especially as we have now got Minsprog to ask to leave the table. His younger cousins were a bit shocked one year, so I realised I had better tackle that one!
We'll have to take some lego though, cos we are staying at grannies house and she hasn't got any. We even take it camping! -
Message 11
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
I think the point is that christmas is supposed to be about peace and goodwill to all and ensuring that all have a good time. That means if you have to do specific things for the children to enjoy it then you do them. If you are invited out then you need to explain that you child (ren) has specific medically authentic issues which mean that x, y, z. Say you will understand if that would be disruptive and that it would be easier not to come and that you can always catch up for a mince pie instead. That gives the host the opportunity to say thanks but no thanks or to commit to making the accomodation. Remind the host when you arrive and say what contingency plans you have made (bringing the lego for example) to try and minimise the disturbance to others. Then relax and enjoy yourself
G -
Message 12
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
aaah, the joys of lego! Still going strong with the snowdroplets after many years. Also, Geomag (this has raised eyebrows at airport security but let through) and of course, for us, "springies" (the metal coils that can go from hand to hand and up and down stairs) and gyroscopes as stocking treats.
One of my difficulties is that of course the snowdroplets are all different. One of them eats no greens or veg at all (normally I pursee these and hide them in various ways). But the youngest is perfectly capable and much more flexible. It is difficult to explain to him why he (age 10) should have to do something that his only slightly older sibling doesn't have to. At least at Christmas we relax a bit and just pretend we don't see what people are/are not eating. -
Message 13
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Thanks, Gem.
good advice, thanks. I need to remember that if other people choose to invite us, knowing we have 'special needs'...then maybe they shouldn't be too surprised if these manifest themselves.
snowdrop -
Message 14
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
I'm pretty sure my Sprogette could write a book about being the one who has to do/not do things that the other one "gets away with". It is difficult when you have to treat one very differently to the other and they just have to accept it!
While many of us look forward to Christmas because it is a time when we don't do our everyday routine, those very changes that we enjoy can probably fill our Aspergers ones with dread and anxiety. So we all have to develop management skills par excellence.
I agree that the important thing is to try and ensure that everyone has a happy time and to remember that those of us without the difficulties are the ones who are capable of making the allowances needed to let our Aspergers ones have a good time in their own ways. The Aspergers ones can't make those allowances to the same degree, it's like telling someone without legs that they can have a wheelchair but only if they to learn to walk first. How acceptable would THAT be?
And personally I wouldn't be having a nice time at all if I was worrying all the time about what Minsprog might be feeling and, as a consequence might do! -
Message 15
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
snowdrop - you are most welcome. I believe my job as a host is to ensure ALL my guests have a good time. I always ask about anything specific I need to be aware of and will adjust menus, and arrangements accordingly. The only time I get stressed is if I don't know and haven't been able to accomodate.
So for example I would take your little one into the dining room and ask them to choose where they would like to sit and then get them to help me put the name card on their place and perhaps to help sort out where others will sit.
I would make sure I had some toys/books etc out ready for when they got bored at the table and I would also make sure that people served themselves for dinner and there was sufficient choice of things they will like/eat to select from or put it on their plate in advance if this was required.
Not difficult really is it?
G -
Message 16
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Hi Gem,
the way you put it makes it sound not at all difficult and your place sounds very warm to visit.
But sometimes it is made to be so difficult you wouldn't believe, and there is so much judgement around - not an understnading that some behaviour is different but people looking to blame and condemn (both the droplets and the parents). I know I'm a bit sensitive to this (bad day) and probably read too much into frowns and comments from others. But some days it gets to me a bit.
sounds like all your visitors will have a lovely time. thanks for saying that it can be done so easily, it's nice to know it does not sound like a big deal to everyone!
snowdrop -
Message 17
Posted by sesley (U4024157) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
the key i have found is preparation regarding chronological age and social developement age and what works. i have just one with ASD and his chronological age is 10,but with the mindset of a 5/8 year old, his innocence means he believes in Santa. his diet is very limited. If he feels anxious and stressed with things like family gatherings he has the option of finding his own space,but nearby so he can be included.Like his own eating space. it always also depends on things like sensory issues,we recently had a christmas party organised by our parents group and all the children were of different ages and different challenges, some did not like loud music,some like mine not very good at playing games or is a bad looser in games,so everyone at the party had thier needs catered for.Mine meltdown in tescos last year,because he saw us get a game he wanted ,he thought santa should get it. This year , i explained that Santa will be on a quick visit to say hello and come with a surprise,but don't worry he needs to go backt o his magic place to contiue reading the christmas lists and wises,my ploy seemed to work, so basically if you can prepare them for whatever diffiuclties they might have before hand it does help, the anxietys and meltdowns come from a build up of stress resulting in the explosions. I went to a anger management 3 weeks ago and it was very interesting on the explaination and illistration of a iceberg ,the bottom is the anxietys and stress building the sides up are the rumblings stages where the anxietys start to unsettle and cause feelings that become confusing at that point if you can see trouble building you can find a way to give reassurence and understanding and either remove the trouble or work through it or go and have time out. When they get to that meltdown stage, its because the troubles and anxietys have just got too much.
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Message 18
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Gem you are indeed a gem
Folk can be a bit unhelpful though as snowdrop says, one can end up with a hide like a rhino at times! You get so used to holding the fort that when someone who can think creatively and helpfully like you do comes along it is often a bit of a surprise. Not to mention a relief!
It's a bit tricky for me at the mo as Minsprog is 16 and a half and I sort of feel I don't have the right to talk about him like I did when he was younger. I always ask him if he minds me explaining now, he doesn't mind but I don't feel it's right to make assumptions.
Mind you most of the time I have dug my heels in and outglared people. Having ones teenager read a pile of railway magazines in an orchestral concert can be an interesting experience -
Message 19
Posted by Ripleywood Really RIP Now (U6326193) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
Bookmarking - with best wishes to all just now x
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Message 20
Posted by happyseeingdaisies (U14225122) on Tuesday, 15th December 2009
like the idea of magazines - slightly more 'acceptable' than ear muffs or putting fingers in ears!
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