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Best Friend Dying
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Tusher (U2840354) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Dear Mustard Friends, I need your advice and a large gin.
My oldest Best Friend from school found a lump in her breast 3 years ago- it was cancer, and she had the full treatment- mastectomy, radiotherapy and chemo. Slash,poison and burn she called it.
And made a full recovery, although she always had doubts- it was a huge lump that suddenly appeared and 15 out of 20 lymph nodes had to be removed.
She made what medics would call a good recovery, although- and many of you will know about this- she was tired, and sore for long after she was back at work. She herself was convinced that she would always have the cancer and she would not live to an old age.
I didn't. I still imagined us as old ladies gossiping together, playing cards and wearing purple ribbons in our hair.
But it's not to be.
Last spring, she had 'shadows' on her liver, but after investigations, she was told that there was nothing to be concerned about. Not cancer, just a little liver damage. I was thrilled for her. And, to be honest, selfishly, for me. We would still be old together. She's never married, is on her late forties, and has lived a wonderful, full life. She has a huge circle of friends.
And then earlier this month, she felt pain in her ribs, near the scar. This time,unlike the liver scare ,I wasn't worried. She was. Likely to be the body protecting itself from a wound that has healed, but given her trouble often. Maybe a pulled rib even, I reassured her.
She went to see the specialist today to get the results after her scan last week. The fact that they hadn't recalled her immediately was a signal to me that all was fine. Surely they would recall her instantly if there was something amiss?
But no. As today went on, and she didn't call, I became more and more concerned. She's just off the phone. The cancer is in her bones- her spine in five places, including the thoracic and lumber area. She's to go for another scan to find out if it's in her liver, lungs or brain, she says.
I live many hundreds of miles away-since we went to Uni, we always have done. In fact, some years, we only actually saw each other when we were at home for Christmas, sometimes more often, but we were in regular touch, except when she took of and had a gap year in her thirties.
We shared so much, we went through so many things together and she probably knows more of my secrets that my hubby does, and now she's going to take these with her to an early grave. Consultant has told her that she's probably got 18 months to two years, her gut feeling is she's got 9 months. I now no longer doubt her.
So...........I held it together during an hour's phone call (because she's specifically asked for her friends not to break down as they did before as it puts too much of a load on to her, and I can see that). But I came off the phone and howled.
I'm losing my very best friend. I'll find new friends, but I'll never find another friend like S. One who has known me since our schooldays and I'm distraught.
There are practical things that we can do- hubby and self are geographically closer to her very elderly parents, so we can step in there, and of course, we will be there for them in the years to come.
She's been told she's starting Zoledronic acid drips asap. Can anyone tell me what her quaility of life is likely to be like on this drug? Above all else, what she wants is a good quality of life, the chance to go abroad on holiday again, even if it means a shorter time. (she's always loved holidays and diving. In fact, she wants to go scuba diving one last time, even although the doctor has advised against it)
What is the best thing I can do right now to help her? I can't physically visit this weekend, and she will be overloaded with friends anyway. I'm hoping to see her in mid-February.
She has a strong faith, but,as Siobhan said, she didn't want to leave the party early.
I'm going to be so lost. And I don't mean to sound selfish, but I need to know the best I can do for her over the coming months. But I'm going to be so lost. And I never felt this distraught when my father was dying of cancer.
Sorry it's such a long post. All comments welcome. -
Message 2
Posted by anagramladysin (U14258840) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Oh Tusher ...
First, I am so sorry.
This is new information that allows you to reel and rebel.
It's awful .....
Again, I am so sorry.
My very loved (and 42 years old) sister-in-law had cancer. First they said they'd got it, they'd fixed it . Then my brother rang while I was at work saying it had spread ... he said to me, don't say anything nice or kind, I can't bear it.
You are asking, what can you do?
I wish I had done more, but (you know -- kids, job, home etc to run etc) it wasn't possible.
I went to see her by train every few weeks. We went out to lunch, drank tea, talked non-stop. I know it helped her.
One time at a restaurant, when the waiter gave us our drinks, he said "good health!" and she said, "do you think he meant something?" and we laughed.
She needed to talk about death. No-one else would. Everyone said 'you'll soon be better, they can do wondeful things these days'.
My brother said later " you were the only one who didn't pretend that something awful wasn't happening". People had kept sending 'get well soon' cards.
When she was really, really ill and mostly confined to bed ( I was 200 miles away) I sent something by post every day. A snippet of news, a card, whatever.
There is a lot more on the coping with cancer thread. I am a mere amateur.
Tusher -- strength to you.
For you, and for your best friend. -
Message 3
Posted by Dougals Servant (U7470526) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Wed, 27 Jan 2010 01:08 GMT, in reply to Tusher in message 1
Tusher love, I really don't know what to say to help?
If it was either of my two friends from university ('73) or my best friend from school ('57!) I know I would be totally distraught. My two university friends have enjoyed reasonable health but J, the school one hasn't - and he now knows that if he misses our daily 'phone call I will be wondering if he is in hospital again.
Are you with Mr T & the GT? If so go and snuggle up with them.
Can you think of one special thing to do / place to go that you and your friend would like to do together and plan to do than? Just something fun that you could enjoy planning and that would give nice memories.
And bawl all over the rest of us whenever you need to.
Much love and purrs and furry snuggles from Skye. Will speak properly soon.
D's S -
Message 4
Posted by Gayer-Anderson Cat (U13637930) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Oh, Tusher, I am so sorry.
A very good friend of mine from college days died of cancer just a year ago. We'd lost touch, but our friendship was still strong, if you follow me. Her husband said that my phone calls towards the end gave her much joy, and brought back many memories which she shared with him.
So I'd say as others have, keep in touch, let her know you are thinking of her and are there for her. Be honest, listen, and give her a hug. And come on here to rant and rave and weep about the unfairness of it all, we'll be here for you.
Now I'm going to light a candle for you and your friend.
Much love
G-AC and the Puddy Tats -
Message 5
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, I'm so sorry. I just can't imagine how it must feel. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your friend and all who love her.
-
Message 6
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Wed, 27 Jan 2010 07:31 GMT, in reply to Tusher in message 1
Tusher I have to leave for work but didn't want to leave this unanswered.
In February, when the other friends have melted away, is exactly when she'll want you.
And don't forget that as my mother said in a similar situation, "My cancer is not me, and until I die I am twenty times as alive as any of you" And by golly she was.
Big cyberhugs and prayers for everyone concerned. -
Message 7
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
I can't comment on treatments, and I'll leave it to the others to offer suggestions about offering help to parents etc.
I wanted to go straight to the point, and as it happens, something I was talking about last week.
After a rackety part of my life, leaving a lot of friends behind, I found myself with only two best friends, married to each other, I've known them for 37 years. J died a year ago, and straight after that A had cancer, a hysterectomy and we became closer than ever before as she is such a proud woman and only "allowed" me to see how she was suffering, and to look after her.
I only have her now, as a close and loving friend. Someone who, as you say, knows things about me that no one else does. No one. I suddenly thought last week...what on earth would I do without her? Felt like a little child, wanting to sit and cry in a corner.
I won't find a friend like her ever again, because I don't have 37 years to form such a bond.
It's the feeling that you're going to be all alone in the world, even though you aren't. But....a friend like that can sometimes never be replaced, and I don't know what you do or how you cope. Maybe you don't, and maybe it's something you should carry as a precious gift inside you.
Tusher, I'm writing from the heart without thinking too much and I'm sorry if it comes across as unhelpful and doomy, but I wanted you to know I feel exactly like you do. My heart goes out to you, and of course to your lovely friend.
Lilo -
Message 8
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher - I'm just off to work, but wanted to say this happened to me 8 years ago, but it's still pretty raw at times. It's completely different from when your parent dies, because it's someone of your own generation.
All I can say is try to make sure that you have no regrets. Contact your friend as often in as many ways as you can. I feel guilty that I didn't, but I had job, OU studies, children at home, busy, she lived 80 miles away, etc. -
Message 9
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, I'm so sorry to read of your friend and your sadness.
Continue being the same friend you always have been and if possible be her Jimmy Savile ... be her enabler. Enable her to achieve and enjoy what she would like to achieve with her life however long or short it may be. -
Message 10
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, this must be just awful.
Losing the link to the past reminds me of a phone call I had from a friend I have known since 1972 after her second parent died. She is an only child, and it struck me that I am one of the few people in this world who goes back that far for her.
In thge midst of all this grief, please do not lose sight of yourself. I think you know only too well what neglecting your own needs can lead to. Keep hold of the new projects you mentioned here recently. Can you talk to your friend about them - I'm sure she will want to know that things will go on.
Dunlurkin -
Message 11
Posted by catwomyn (U1485618) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, the same thing happened to my mum - her best friend died of breast cancer a few years ago now, and they lived a long way apart.
When S was in the late stages but still at home, she was often too tired to speak on the phone, but mum texted her at least once a day. She sent her little notes and cards - not too long to tire her out.
She too was distraught and still misses her. Even though she (my mum) is bone idle, as was S, she has done the Race for Life (at a bone idle walking pace) to remember her.
Sorry, there's not much more I can say. I really am so sorry
Cat x -
Message 12
Posted by La Sharpissima (U1476061) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Just cherish the time you have with her, whether you are laughing or crying together or a mixture of both. Be led by her as to how she wants you to behave and if she wants to talk then be prepared to talk for as long as she wants.
In some ways you are lucky though I am sure it does not seem so. My best friend who I also had known since schooldays and to whose daughter I am Godmother died three years ago at Easter very suddenly. She woke in the early hours feeling unwell and was dead at 6 am from a burst aortic aneurysm so I never got to tell her how important she was to me and how knowing her had enriched my life. I never got to thank her for her friendship.
You have that chance but of course the quid pro quo is that you will have to see her slowly dying which will be very hard.
Just make sure she knows that you love her and that you are there for her when needed.
I wish you the strength to cope. -
Message 13
Posted by eriskay (U2846175) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
My cousin died two months ago of a similar condition. Here's what I learned.
Be strong for her and yourself.
Be prepared for a roller coaster of emotions in her and your self.
Laugh together when you can and remember together everything you can.
As far as possible, let her do all the things she wants to do. I once made the mistake of trying to stop my cousin from doing something I did not think she could do and it was wrong of me. I thought I was protecting her but I had no right to be so bossy.
Talk about things other than her illness, but take your cue from her if she wants to talk about it.
Keep in touch by whatever means you can and as often as you can. Text a lot.
Tell her jokes.
Remember that she will also want to do things for you and let her. My cousin insisted on struggling into town on her own, with the aid of a Zimmer and public transport, to buy me flowers.
That still makes me weep.
Take care of yourself too.
Best wishes. -
Message 14
Posted by Flakey (U14259784) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Dear Tusher
I cannot offer any info on the drugs you mention but I could not let your post go without saying How bluddy sad, that you are losing your very best chum and she is losing her life so young. You sound like a fantastic chum and she to you. You certainly do not sound selfish, I cannot imagine how I would feel if it was my best chum.
Thinking of you both and I hope your friend gets to undertake a few adventures/holidays over the coming months.
Love
Flakey x -
Message 15
Posted by Marmalade Drizzle (U2239190) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
What a great big pile of steaming pants.
Good friends are treasure beyond compare. I am really sorry that you have to walk this path.
Marms -
Message 16
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
Rather selfishly reading all this through a mist of tears.
I cannot add to the advice given above - particularly the bit about letting her talk about everything she wants to and the not trying to pretend everything is OK. My best friends are well at the moment but when my closest chum's son died she said that was the best thing I could do was to be there for her and be truthful.
My heart really goes out to you - our friends are so precious.
LynnieP x -
Message 17
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Not selfish Lynnie, just not afraid to show your wonderful warm heart. I read your posts and feel dangerously close to giving you a cyber hug! Don't panic...ain't gonna happen..
When A and I went to Gay Malc's funeral couple of weeks back, we ended up having an " I really love you"..."I really love you too" session outside with a sneaky rollup. Oh and a few bottles or six. First time in all these years she's actually said the words to me. A is very buttoned up at times, which considering how I am ...can't keep my gob shut if my life depends upon it...makes us The Odd Couple suppose.
Anyway...oh gawd I do go on...
Yes to whoever said up there..Dunlurks? you have the time now to do everything and say everything you want to. There's nothing like talking about old times and giggling until you cry..and then crying with sadness and ending up snorting with laughter. Yep...done that and I treasure the memories. -
Message 18
Posted by politebirder (U4482231) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, I am so sorry you are facing this. Your friend has a good friend in you & I am sure you will be a staunch support.
I lost a very good friend suddenly - brain bleed - & there was so much that I had left unsaid & would have wanted to say to her.
Make the time you have left with her special & say all you want to say.
I will be thinking of you both.
PB xx -
Message 19
Posted by ali (U14257944) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, I have no practical advice on treatments or anything like that, but I can say that your friendship with her will be her biggest help and support through the next difficult months. If she can still laugh, and cry, with you then that is the best anyone can ever do for their friend.
And as someone else has said, please come in here and cry on the shoulders in ML.
With love and sympathy from me
xx
Ali -
Message 20
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, so sorry to hear about your friend. I can't really add much to what everyone upthread is saying except to agree with Lilo that talking about old times, giggling and crying and knowing how much you care for each other, will happen. And you will draw strength from each other.
Similar scenario for a newish friend of mine. She did ask BF if there was anything left she had wanted to do and friend said 'Visit Iona'. So, with the help of a very supportive GP back at base camp, and a nursing friend who went along with them, they made it to Iona. Sad but amazing journey which was almost the last thing her BF could do but she was at peace. There were also giggles and crying along the way but a deep sense of thankfulness they could do this for a loved friend.
Take care of yourself too. -
Message 21
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
Another one reading this through a mist of tears - for you and your friend and for myself having been here more times than my fair share with family.
She will need your strength and there are some things that you can do to make things easier for her
- let her talk, about life and death, she'll need to. Your description suggests to me she is more right than the doctor about the timing.
- help her organise the things she wants to do. Her insurance will be invalid for a scuba dive abroad so if anything went wrong or she got ill then she'd be stuck. But contact your local BSAC club and explain the situation to them and I am sure they will help out by organising a dive in the UK (they will be able to find a club member who'll loan their kit I am sure)
- organise some little treats for her. Afternoon tea with champagne at Fortnums would be one for me but I am sure you can come up with half a dozen. Spend the money on these you would have spent on Christmas and Birthday presents and stuff for the rest of her life
- rally other friends around to make sure that she has an e-mail or a card or a phone call or a text each day with something funny or touching
- if she has children encourage her to write them letters for special occaisons in their lives (weddings, babies etc) so she can still share them. And if she has a partner something for him or her for example on these occaisons or if they were to meet someone else (again she can still share in them that way)
- as she gets weaker she isn't going to feel like cooking or cleaning but it is so much more comforting to have a clean home and linen and nice meals. See if you can organise friends to share these chores when the time comes.
But most of all tell her how much you love her and treasure what she has brought and will continue to bring to your life.
G -
Message 22
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
GEm - I shall keep this post by me. It contains some of the best advice I have ever seen.
LynnieP x -
Message 23
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Dear Tusher,
We haven't 'met' but I'm another one here who has read your post through a mist of tears and it seems a lot of us have 'been here' in this awful sad situation.
May I suggest you see if you can get hold of a copy of Ruth Picardie's book Before I Say Goodbye - for you rather than for your friend. This may give you more insight about how your friend is feeling, and perhaps show you the benefits of the two of you conducting an ongoing emailing link. You will see that jokes, new clothes and wonderful hats must still be top of the list
Other than that, wot everyone else has said. I am so sad for the two of you and will hold you in my thoughts. -
Message 24
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
SM has just reminded me of something, Tusher. When my mother's cancer came back in her bones and she was told nothing more could be done, she stopped at a shop on the way home and bought a red hat. She was never able to wear it but it was in her room when she died, a little beacon of hope.
-
Message 25
Posted by Orsen Trapp Not An Ingredient (U2273997) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
So sorry to read this.
No useful advice to add to the excellent advice already here, except: keep close to Mr Tusher and let him share the burden. -
Message 26
Posted by Emma - no relation (U2818673) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Just to wish you and your friend strength over the coming months. What a dreadful blow.
ENR -
Message 27
Posted by Schez (U2212013) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher, I am so sorry to read your news. Of course you feel shattered and already imagining how life will be without your friend.
GEm's post is full of good sense, but of course the really hard thing will be dealing with your own feelings. I hope you find the strength to get through this, and to help your friend who will be so glad of your support, in whatever form it comes. -
Message 28
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Just a small ps to my original post
My husband was in the situation you are now in Tusher 10 years ago past.
His best friend who he had known since he was a lad (and I had known him since he was 2 as I knew his sisters and cousin) was told he had 2 years to live. They planned what they could do together but then Andrew died within weeks. Luckily my husband had managed to get down to see him before he died but it really shook B as he thought they had plenty of time left.
For us as a family it has left a gap as Andrew was always a close part of it despite us living 5 hours apart but for B it has been an immense loss as Im sure it will be to you.
I hope that you have lots of happy memories. We certainly have. -
Message 29
Posted by jack the s111 (U2262123) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
So sorry to hear this news Tusher.
My mother went through a similar illness. My experience from that is to do the physical going out things as soon as you can, February will be good as other friends will not be round all the time. Don't plan activity over the coming months but do what you can when you can. My Mum ignored her cancer pain (probably deliberately) so was already quite ill when diagnosed but I think I'm saying be prepared for the support to change over time.
We went on a big family holiday when I think she knew she was really ill and the last time I saw her smile was at her grandchildren playing on the floor when she was bed bound.
Sorry this sounds really grim and it doesn't really help that I just found out a friend died this morning (hence the trip into TVH).
Enjoy the time you have left, there are some really special memories for me during those months.
Jx -
Message 30
Posted by orangetip (U3980471) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Wed, 27 Jan 2010 14:37 GMT, in reply to Tusher in message 1
Tusher, only just seen this. You've already been given so much good advice, just wanted to to try to answer one specific question. I have a friend (not that close, the wife of a friend of OH's, but someone I like very much) with almost the identical diagnosis and prognosis. Am I correct that Zoledronic acid is the bone-healing stuff - if so it's made a huge difference to my friend. She has gone from being practically bedridden and in constant pain to being able to go back to work part-time, and doesn't seem to have had any bad side-effects. She's also on chemo tablets (I think they may be prescribed privately though) and at the moment that's keeping everything at bay, but sadly her prognosis is the same as your friend's, with the added complication that she's got 2 relatively young children. It's a bu**er isn't it. -
Message 31
Posted by Orsen Trapp Not An Ingredient (U2273997) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
I'm sure Tusher won't mind if I send you a cyber-wave through her thread, Orangetip. Haven't seen you here in ages. Hope all's well with you.
-
Message 32
Posted by Sister Primrose of the Red Tinsel Flag (U5405579) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Here's the wiki link for Zoledronic Acid
PP -
Message 33
Posted by Tusher (U2840354) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
What can I say? I could not believe how many messages there were- thankyou all so much. She phoned after 11 last night, and I was just floored. At work today, all I can do is think of her.
Every single post is valued, so forgive me if I forget to mention you all, but anagramladysin and others who mentioned sending a little something everyday- yes, what a superb idea. I had never thought of that. I finally bought myself a digital camera after Christmas, and there must have been a reason for it. And jokes, cards, postcards. And whoever mentioned about 'Get Well Cards'- why oh why do they not make more 'I'm sorry to hear your bad news' cards. So often, I've had to buy cards for people who are terminally ill, and a 'get well' card just isn't it.
La Sharpisima and GEm- wise, wise words. And you're right, if there is a silver lining, then I do have time to let her know. As do all her friends, to be honest, after the initial diagnosis- in fact, S did quite a bit of sifting of friends then.
SnoctusMole (have I got your name right? ) I shall order the Ruth Picardie book. I've read extracts from it, and it was superb.
Jack- my condolences about your friend dying this morning. It's just horrible, horrible.
orangetip! Waving furiously here- it's been so long, although I am rarely in ML now, apart from teh ceilidh. And PRimrose too- thank you for the info on Zoledronic Acid. And GEm- she's determined to go on one last diving holiday abroad, even although she knew it would be near impossible/very expensive to get insurance. She's still in a diving club- I'll relay the info.
Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou one and all. -
Message 34
Posted by Tusher (U2840354) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
I've not been in the cancer thread as yet- although I will do now, but a special <<
>> to those of you who posted such kind thoughts yet have/had cancer themselves. And didn't mention it. -
Message 35
Posted by Betsi clwc clwc (U11288289) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
Thinking of you
Betsi xx -
Message 36
Posted by Schez (U2212013) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Jack, very sorry to hear of your loss as well.
-
Message 37
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
My nan died of bone cancer 10 years after she had a masectomy. However, this was 50 years ago....
Tusher. Last week my son who probably doesn't have long to live told me that he didn't want to talk about his illness anymore and keeps making a point of asking what I have been doing. I don't think he realises what a bad state he is in. I know people react differently some may want to talk but I thought I would pass on what my son asked me to do. Of course, his illnes is all I really want to speak about but I must repect his wishes. -
Message 38
Posted by littlecandle (U2651900) on Wednesday, 27th January 2010
Tusher
Sorry I've nothing helpful about drugs to contribute, but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and your dear friend, and wish both of you courage and happy times together.
lc -
Message 39
Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:18 GMT, in reply to Tusher in message 33
Hello Tusher - long time no see. Really, really sorry to hear about your friend. I am supporting a friend at the moment who is going through yet more treatment following the discovery of breast cancer five years ago. She lives in the same town as me so I am able to take her to the hospital for her treatment (a group of us have a rota going) and we combine this with tea or lunch or early evening drinks and a good old chat if she is feeling up to it. I realise it is much more difficult for you to do such things being far apart.
You have been given loads of good advice here to which I can only add this, my friend just wants her friends to be what they have always been with her - able to talk about anything and everything, laugh and make jokes as we always have done, give her hugs when we see that 'it' has 'hit' her again. She is the best cook I know (and I know some excellent cooks) and she loves to cook for her friends so we let her if she is up to it and we ease the way discreetly as much as possible. She wants to be able to go on doing all the things she has loved doing all her life, so we see it as our role to make that possible for her for as long as possible.
She talks to me on occasion about the big D word simply because she knows that of all her close friends I am probably the one now who sees it most and she can talk to me on a much less emotional basis and this has helped her to get things straight in her mind about what she wants should the worst happen. I do think that being able to do this for someone you love and care for is of enormous benefit to them, because their families so often cannot face it with them. We always end these conversations on a positive note and I can usually see some relief on her face. I usually go home and have a few quiet tears for my lovely friend.
Anyway, I hope that the new drug is helpful to her - it is being used/trialled for breast cancer patients now I read as well as for those in the bones - see:
Good luck Tusher - just continue to be there for her as much as you can and be the friend she has always known.
Love
Savvie -
Message 40
Posted by Kris massblues (U14058894) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Hi Tusher,
so sorry to hear about your friend, and sorry for you too as I know how painful losing a long term best friend can be.
I don't know if this is helpful can can i make a suggestion please? My best friend died of liver cancer 3 years ago and the one thing that has made her loss easier for me was the fact that I told her what she had meant to me.
Friends are not like lovers, there isn't the same physical/emotional attachment that enables us to always let them know that we love them, but love them we do.
My friend Feef (nickname) was consumed by feelings of guilt and the meaninglessness of her life for a while after being diagnosed. Actualy it was about the time she began to really come to terms with no longer being here.
I lay in bed one night thinking, and probably crying, and then it struck me how much she had impacted upon my life in so many ways in the 25 years i had known her. it was an easy jump then to see just how dynamic her life had been, for all its seeming 'ordinaryness'.
I kept trying to find the right time to tell her, but it wasn;t easy, we don't live our lives like an American film do we..
Then one quiet and serene evening (after we had been sky diving as her one final "things to do before...") I took the chance to tell her that she had enriched my life beyond measure, and for every time she had propped me up when i was floundering, or knocked me down when i was on my pedestal, she had created a ripple effect.
For every smile and kind word she had spoken she had impacted upon someone's life. for all the emotional energy we had shared over the years we had usually unconsciously shared with others. It's true that we seem to often live mundane lives, but we don't, not really. And i told this to feef and she got it, and i know it helped her because the very last time she spoke to me she told me this:
When she had been a troubled teen she had been sitting quiety, feeling sad and lonely, in a classroom with a not much like teacher. Eventually the teacher walked up to her and, whilst reading aloud from the peotry book they were collectively studying, she put her hand on Feef's shoulder and left it there for a while - just silently acknowledging that she understood Feef was having a hard time. And Feef told me she had never forgotten that feeling of being cared about on that day.
Anyway, i'm so glad i told her that her life had had meaning, in so many small and diverse ways, but in particular in my life.
I mourned for her passing and i still mourn my loss when i'm having a difficult time or want to share some simple good news. But i feel that i was able to let go with a clearer mind having spoken about these things with her, and she too was then able to acknowledge that her life had not simply been a single journey forclosed too soon.
Later, after she had gone, I found this poem and have it framed on my bedroom wall as it reminds me of Feef and the converstaions we had about her life's journey
The Ripple Effect
Life sometimes seems
So short
That it existed
Only in our dreams
But just like the stone
Thrown upon the pond
The ripples and influence
Reach far beyond
One life can touch those
Whom she or he never knew
In special ways
Which bring hope and renew
Our belief that life
Always has meaning
Whether short or long
It's all in believing
I'm not sure if this is helpful to you at all, but i do wish you positive emotional energy during this painful time for you both.
kris -
Message 41
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Hi Tusher
Sorry that I don't know what to say other than I'm thinking of you and your friend, fortunately it isn't something that I've had to face, yet.
I was thinking about your friend's diving - if she can't get abroad perhaps you could find out about aquarium diving? Obviously the aquarium would have to be informed of her illness, but her doctor may be willing to sign it off if she stays in the UK (or wherever she lives), and she'll be able to swim in warmth (and with sharks) without too onerous a trek. -
Message 42
Posted by Emma - no relation (U2818673) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Just a thought about cards and the inappropriateness of get well ones. Do you have photos of you and your friend doing things together or places you went to or things you did? Could you get copies and send them off from time to time with a message (from 'do you remember the dishy Italian waiter' to 'you taught me so much about Romanesque architecture on this trip' or whatever is appropriate). Apart from anything else, it is a natural cue to tell her what she means in your life - we stiff upper lipped Brits find that emotion stuff so hard.
-
Message 43
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Following on from Emma's good idea, you can get favourite photos made into jigsaws nowadays. So sorry I can't remember the address but perhaps you can google, and meanwhile I'll ask around. I remember them as being largish, easy to put in pieces and suitable for my elderly aunt who wanted to do some remembering.
-
Message 44
Posted by Lemon Sabotage (U9577550) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Oh I am so deeply sorry, Tusher.
And to all of you who have posted your experiences in here.
The only practical thing I can think of to contribute, is regarding greetings cards.
Whenever I see a card with a pleasant picture on with one of those "Blank inside for your special message" stickers, I buy a few of them.
Then I've always got something appropriate to send in a hurry to someone for whatever reason.
I would normally just write inside something like "I am thinking of you" to someone in ill-health, for example.
Similarly to someone recently bereaved.
Cards with "Sympathy" messages etc. as part of the design just don't do it for me. -
Message 45
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Tusher
Try Waitrose - they have a series of cards that I am using for birthday cards but they are general ones. Some of them are Matt cartoons and some general drawings "at your age people expect you to be a good example .... disappoint them"
I love the suggestion of using these to jog memories - that is a beautiful thought and a lovely way to let your friend know what she means to you. That and the photos with little comments on the back or give her an album to add them in each time so she can have a bit of quiet time looking over them now and again.
Also - don't be afraid of tears. She may need to cry, and you might want to cry with her but at the end of it try and then finish on a laugh so that she is left feeling better rather than depressed.
I really feel for you. It's hard to die but it's hard to be left behind to grieve and miss the person too.
G -
Message 46
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
I am interested in the comments about cards. I had a conversation less than an hour before I read Tushers' OP about someone who I know (not a friend) having been given a similar prognosis to Tusher's friend. The person who was telling me was saying that she would get a "Get Well " card for us all to sign. I pointed out that in the circumstances a "Thinking about You " card would be more appropriate.
-
Message 47
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Thu, 28 Jan 2010 15:52 GMT, in reply to GEm in message 45
Also - don't be afraid of tears. She may need to cry, and you might want to cry with her but at the end of it try and then finish on a laugh so that she is left feeling better rather than depressed.Â
A dear friend of mine died of cancer secondaries in her lungs - we used to make each other laugh so much.
The last few weeks she went back to relatives in Wales - we spoke most days, even though she's end up coughing, as it seemed more important to her to laugh than to conserve her breath.
When she told me that the cancer was terminal, selfishly, I thought "I'm going to the best friend I can to her - I'm not going to add feeling guilty to my grief", -
Message 48
Posted by orangetip (U3980471) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:44 GMT, in reply to Tusher in message 33
Huge wave back to Tusher & Orsen - life has been up & down since our visit to Orsenland, hence more lurking than posting. At the moment the humans chez Orangtip are fine but sadly the felines are no more.
Tusher, been thinking of you and your friend, particularly my last experience of this. Another good friend (one made later in life so not the same) also went through BC and secondaries, and died just over 3 years ago. The thing she hated most was being told that she was a strong person and would beat it, when she knew she couldn't. She also found people crying very disconcerting, as she felt she had to console them, as if they were the ones with the problem - she wrote a wonderful article for one of the breast cancer charity magazines, but sadly it's no longer available, where she equated telling people she had terminal cancer to going to AA! Most of all she wanted people to be entirely normal around her, and if at all possible to make her laugh. -
Message 49
Posted by Thanks for all the fish (U10654037) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Tusher, I am so, so sorry to read this and can't begin to imagine what you're feeling right now. I hope the large gin is helping a bit.
No idea re the medication, but other than that I'd say ask her what she wants from you, then comply with it, and if she says she wants to do any particular thing (eg the scuba diving) then help her achieve it if you can rather than discouraging her.
I've known quite a few people with cancer - including close family - and one thing I've learned is that there is no right way to behave. Where one relative wanted to have discussions about his funeral pretty much from the time of diagnosis, another was in denial to the end. Where one friend is cracking jokes about her belly fat being used to reconstruct her boobs after her double mastectomy, another with the same illness is quietly falling to bits. I've had to play a different role, if you like, for each of them (albeit a pretty useless one for my grandmother, but I hope I learned from that experience.)
I hope that in amongst it all you and your friend find much joy in the coming months, and I wish you both strength and peace. -
Message 50
Posted by Tusher (U2840354) on Thursday, 28th January 2010
Thankyou again everyone for ALL your messages, Savvie the link was so positive, and Kris, that poem managed to say everything. I shall treasure it.
S is still in her 'Right, what do I need to do' mode and very much of the no-nonsense, 'don't you dare cry around me' mould. In fact, when she phoned me up the other night, after telling me straight what had happened, she asked my to play the organ at her funeral, and she wants Mr Tusher to take the service. 'No problem, it'll be an honour' I replied whilst internally panicking that I'll likely struggle to play the scale of C major without breaking down, but that was what she wanted, no, needed, to hear, because she could tick it off her list, and not have to pussy foot around sobbing friends, which I know really got her down when she was initially diagnosed.
For S wallowing in grief Is Not Allowed. Maybe later on it will be. Maybe not. But there will be time for all her friends to greet and wail after.
What I am now bitterly regretting is all the times I've been too busy to visit. There was one year I worked in the nursing home or the hotel every single day of the year bar one (and it wasn't Christmas) and being a workaholic was pretty much me until (surprise!) I collapsed and it developed into ME. But I always thought that we would have the time in the future to do things, visit places and so on. Now, I realise that, as someone posted here before "life ain't a rehearsal". Get out and grab it.
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