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Otherwise - came out to a neighbour
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
I heard barking and went out onto the landing because the neighbour opposite me has a dog that doesn't bark so I was concerned that something might be amiss.
It turned out to be dogs from a new neighbour's flat downstairs, but it got my landing neighbour and myself talking.
She commented on the stuff I've got on the landing. I'm not the only one that stores stuff on the landing, but I'm the only one that buys lots of the same thing and stores it. I explained that I'm a compulsive hoarder and showed her some other stuff inside the flat.
I also explained about having bipolar and not doing paid work but doing various bits of voluntary work, then we had a good natter.
I also told her about my voices not moving house with me. (They're still at the old house. That's to say, that's what it seems like.)
But now I feel awkward.
In fact, I feel totally over the top about it. I'm sitting here thinking wild thoughts like "how can I live in a world where I'm some sort of freak?" Now, I'm not going to do anything silly, but sometimes I'm struck by what a big thing I did when I decided to be out about my manic depression.
I could so easily have said something like "I work for the CAB" and she'd probably not have asked whether I was paid or not. Or I could have said "I've got a private income." In relation to the stuff on the landing, I could have said "It was on special offer - too good to miss."
I don't know why I feel this way. It didn't bother me when I was in work and others said that they were on benefits. I didn't think the worse of them.
Does anyone else here come out about stuff like this? -
Message 2
Posted by ruralsnowflakebliss (U8131914) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
I wouldn't beat yourself up about it sunny. We all get blurty days/ conversations.
It was perhaps a little to much info but not to worry probably nothing at all will change because of your chat.
Most people are really nice and sometimes I find I have the most surprising conversations with them.
I suppose my concern would be that the reason you said so much is becasue you haven't been seeing or talking to many other people recently?
Perhaps you need to look up friends and contacts and catch up?
I am sure you know the signs if there is anything else going on.
Just my thoughts.
I hope you don't feel bad. I worry since you are posting quite latish ( I have a reason to be up!)
Sleep well tonight -
Message 3
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
I suppose my concern would be that the reason you said so much is becasue you haven't been seeing or talking to many other people recently?Â
True.
I've had a weed-out of friends that take and don't give much, after realising that it doesn't do me much good to have very unbalanced relationships, but it's left a gap.
I've been trying to think of activities I can get involved in, but I'm not sure what. I've desperately hunted around for activities that I can get involved in where I can meet people, but there seems to be a gap locally unless I want to go to one of the village's pubs, which I find a bit daunting.
I did have a crazy notion of advertising in the local magazine for someone to meet for walks and chats. I don't know what else to do.
I did join a local folk dance group but had to put up with a tirade against people on benefits, which left me rather nervous of joining new things. I've tried evening classes but found them too much and besides you can't just relax and natter any more, it's all syllabuses and targets and assessments.
There must be some way of meeting new friends, I just haven't found it yet. -
Message 4
Posted by Gayer-Anderson Cat (U13637930) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
Quite a few places have "walk and talk" groups, have you looked in your local paper under the "What's On" section, Sunny? Or you may see something else which takes your fancy I don't like to think of you being lonely.
G-AC -
Message 5
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
There's a monthly activity calendar published locally, but not much seems to be included in it. I've looked on the internet, but can't find much.
In addition to my CAB stuff, I do other voluntary work and I've just been headhunted by another charity that has voted me onto their board. I'm hoping I shall meet people there.
There used to be a bench next door but one to here outside a big hostel and I used to like going out late at night and sitting there and people used to come out of the hostel to drink and smoke and we'd chat. Then the council took the bench away and made it an alcohol free zone and the people go somewhere else, so I don't get to chat with people there.
I keep trying to pluck up courage to start something new. There's a big park just a bus ride away with duck ponds and a cafe. There must be other people out there that would like to go and walk in it.
A couple of years ago, I got a couple of friends together and said why didn't we go to somewhere together once a month but it didn't last.
I'd like to go for day trips to local towns. I used to go with my father two or three times a year, but now he's too old. There must be someone who'd like to go with me, potter round the shops and stop for tea somewhere. I've got a disabled bus pass, so I'm not limited for where I go, so long as I have company.
I'm more and more tempted by the idea of advertising in the local magazine. -
Message 6
Posted by superjan3 (U6523409) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
There is an active Workers Education Association where I live (large village/small town). The WEA run a variety of courses and there are much reduced rates if you are on benefit. They assume no prior knowledge of the subject and I think there is support for those with disabilities.
I have a befriender through my local MIND group, we meet for coffee and she has become a firm friend. I also attend adult education classes.
In all these I have been open about my bipolar at registration, but I don't make and issue of it - except for the befriender who I have given permission to report to her supervisor if she feels I am becoming ill. -
Message 7
Posted by Trillian (U14033122) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
Sunny, just to mention that it can be difficult for all sorts of people to meet new friends, bipolar or not - you just have to be a bit shy and it becomes a real struggle. In fact, you seem to be unusually pro-active about making changes to your circumstances and I respect you for it.
There's no need to mention being on benefits in a social situation - just tell people you work part time for a couple of charities, which is true. I have a job, but I dread the old "what do you do" question, so I just tell people that it's too boring to describe (which it is).
Perhaps you should try to steel yourself against the possibility that some dork might sound off about people on benefits. There's always one with a pet beef, wherever you go. It might be that, or Polish immigrants or women in the workplace - you know the type. Stand your ground or ignore them. They're almost certainly in the minority and just louder than everyone else.
And yes, I know that's not easy and I'm speaking as someone who once gave up an art class because of a particularly boorish and opinionated classmate who singled me out as a sounding board/punchbag for his boring and predictable opinions. (He couldn't draw, either.) However, I regretted afterwards having let him get to me and ruin what was meant to be an enjoyable and relaxing activity.
I don't know why I'm giving you the benefit (allegedly) of my opinions, Sunny. Feel free to ignore my witterings. Shutting up now. -
Message 8
Posted by Dame_Celia_ Molestrangler (U14257909) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
How about hanging round the library? Don't they have events there? Readings, plays, talks? They do here in Germany.
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Message 9
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
If the library doesn't have events (and I'd expect if they do, it will only be main libraries, not village branches), they will definitely have lists of local organisations and classes and events and so on, and know where to find out more.
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Message 10
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 6th February 2010
Thank you for your kind suggestions. I'll take a bus to a library and find out what they've got.
I may also explore the idea of a befriender of some sort.
You've given me ideas.
I must stop posting lots of otherwise threads. It's a bit dysfunctional to keep coming on here instead of getting some more RL friends. -
Message 11
Posted by Gayer-Anderson Cat (U13637930) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
replying to SunnyClouds in message 10:
"It's a bit dysfunctional to keep coming on here instead of getting some more RL friends."
Er, Sunny, while it's a bit difficult to arrange outings with you, we your friends here, we just haven't met yet.
G-AC -
Message 12
Posted by Westsussexbird or Birdy aka Westie (U6316532) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
I look on all the people I intereact with in Mustardlnad as cyber friends, something along the line of pen pals.
There are enough of us that if for some reason someone drops out (going on holiday, or new commitments limit the time they can spend in here) there will be others.
What a brilliant resource this is.
Having said that, hoofing it down to the Library to check out what is going on there and whether there is a good thing to do. I sit in the library reading magazines etc and enjoy the quiet company very much. -
Message 13
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
Sun, 07 Feb 2010 10:55 GMT, in reply to Gayer-AndersonCat in message 11
Er, Sunny, while it's a bit difficult to arrange outings with you, we your friends here, we just haven't met yet.Â
What G-AC says, Sunny.
And what about this?
I've made two major moves in the last 10 years -- one of 12,000 miles! And it /is/ quite hard work establishing yourself when you're single. I had a job, and could develop a social life out of that, although expecting one's job to provide a social life is a risky business as well. But I found it psychologically tough, even though I was absolutely certain that moving back to England has been the single best thing I've done in my life. However, nothing is unmixed joy -- or unmixed gloom for that matter.
Good luck. From everything you post here, you seem as if you would be a wonderful friend and companion. -
Message 14
Posted by MrsGks (U14084771) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
Hi sunny
I haven't really much to add to the suggestions already made. I do agree with what Westie and G-AC said.
I do sometimes have blurty moments with people I don't know and then beat myself up about it. I'm sorry you've had a blurty moment but selfishly, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. Besides, you said you had a natter afterwards so the neighbour may become a friend.
You also mentioned you'd done evening classes in the past but all they are interested in are following syllabuses. I presume then, these were "academic" evening classes. I wonder if you've thought about "hobby" evening classes eg pottery, photography?
Oh, and well done for being "headhunted" for another charity. People do recognise you for being a good person.
MrsGks -
Message 15
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
That's a really interesting link Redbookish - thanks.
Sunny, I am another who has 'blurty' moments or does something that I feel fine about at the time, but then spend ages berating myself. It's worse if I feel that I've taken over the conversation and not asked questions about the other person. It's something I know I do, so I try hard (not very successfully always) to be a better listener.
I wonder how much of the 'stiff upper lip' aspect comes into it too - other cultures can be more open without the subsequent analysis. Most of the time, I eventually realise that it's probably not a big deal to the other person and I move on.
I hope you don't dwell on this too much and try to take the positive from it. -
Message 16
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
More lovely replies, thank you!
About the evening classes, the local authority doesn't seem to want to put money into things that aren't based on performance. From what I understand, at my local AECs quite a few instructors have left because of this.
I shall keep looking for something.
It matters a lot to be able to come here where there are so many people with so much kindness and so often such pracical suggestions. -
Message 17
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
the local authority doesn't seem to want to put money into things that aren't based on performance.Â
That's because these days, they only get funding for courses where the performance can be measured. That means courses where you can follow a syllabus which leads to an exam are far more likely to be offered, simply because they can afford to. -
Message 18
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
Yes, everything has to be measured these days. Gone are the days when you could simply go to a course and enjoy i (unless you've got lots of money). I think we're the poorer for it.
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Message 19
Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
Sun, 07 Feb 2010 21:40 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 18
I don't know how far you are from a large city but many museums and galleries have free or concession priced events and lectures. If you had been off the mark quick enough (which I wasn't and am very cross with myself too), for example, you could have gone to listen to Alan Bennett give a talk at the V & A next week for £6.
I would also suggest that you should not feel the need to be so upfront about things like being on benefits or having bipolar - it's almost like you need to get that out there quickly to give people the chance to turn tail and run!!! You are you Sunny, not a woman on benefits or a woman who has a mental health disorder. They are side issues which you can get to at another time and another place if it's appropriate to do so. Focus on the lively, kindly person that we know and love who has lived an interesting life - that's what people want to know about.
Love
Savvie -
Message 20
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 7th February 2010
I hadn't seen it that way. Thanks for your perspective, it has helped.
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Message 21
Posted by littlecandle (U2651900) on Friday, 12th February 2010
Hi Sunny Clouds
Did you manage to get to the library?
Unlike you, I live in a big city but have found the branch library near my workplace and the one a busride away from my home really useful for local groups and activities that are not too "performance" focused.
I still remember one little poster advertising a "friendly singing group for people who think they can't sing" which I really wished I'd had the opportunity to join.
Best wishes as always
lc -
Message 22
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 13th February 2010
I think people may have been misled by my use of the word village. It's in a city, it's just the shopping area surrounding a village green which has been shrinking over the years with each new regeneration project. I'd forgotten that the word village isn't used that way everywhere.
I haven't got to the library yet, but that's because I've been tied up with going back to my voluntary work and sorting out my dead boiler. I will, though. If nothing else, it'll be warmer than my flat! -
Message 23
Posted by Schez (U2212013) on Saturday, 13th February 2010
Sunny what Savvie said makes good sense.
I somehow thought you already go to a book club? But if you don't, there will be some around and you will most probably find it/them at the library.
There may be a Ramblers group who meet not far from you, if you like walking. And there are more and more of those "choirs for people who can't sing" type of thing.
What are the things that interest you? or that you would like to do? Just another thought but could you find 1 or 2 people to play Scrabble with now and then? Not too serious, perhaps, but lighthearted enough to have a chat and a cuppa at the same time. -
Message 24
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Saturday, 13th February 2010
It may be worth seeing if the local senior schools have courses. All the ones round here seem to do adult education ones, mainly in the evening but some during the day too. The ones around here are listed under 'community' or 'adult education' on the school websites.
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Message 25
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 13th February 2010
Yes, I host a book club at my house once a month.
I'm not into scrabble but maybe I could think of something similar I'd enjoy.
I'm lucky that I have the friends I do but I do want to make more.
I'm wondering if it's worth seeing if I'd enjoy the local No2ID group or Amnesty group. -
Message 26
Posted by yorkshire puddin (U4522617) on Sunday, 14th February 2010
Sunny,
It's Fairtrade Fortnight coming up and if there is a Fairtrade Town near you they will most probably be having some event or other and would be extremely grateful for the help I'm sure.
This years theme is The Big Swap and tea parties etc. We are having a tea dance complete with Orchestra.
Just a thought, but sometimes the answer lies where you least expect it.
Good luck
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