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Bipolar problems
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Message 1.Â
Posted by DeathToSSGs (U11202885) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
I wish my cousin was still alive, she'd give me good advice. I give great advice myself, just don't seem to be able to be similarly objective with my life.
I'm at a stage in a friendship with a man where it might tip into something more long term and, sometimes, I rather wish it would. But he suffers from bipolar disorder. Right now he's in a "down" phase and not up for any contact. In the last six months there have been a couple of exchanges where I was left wondering "where did that come from?" and (of course, being a woman) "What did I do?" and deep apologies would follow.
I can even (I think) spot when things are about to get fraught, now.
Thing is, I'm getting a bit tired of having my "equanimity" praised and then tested. Two husbands have now used me as whipping boy when they have felt bad (husband1 was just a prat, husband2 not) and I no longer want to be needed in this way. Selfishly, I'd like someone to pussyfoot round my moods for a change.
I'm too old and tired to be someone's first target, even though I recognise the problem is not his fault. I must sound awfully cynical and selfish but I've picked up the pieces and felt hard done by after being "equable" during two separate fifteen year relationships and really don't want to do that again.
SHould I run away now? -
Message 2
Posted by DeathToSSGs (U11202885) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
PS and may I please add - I don't want to sound at all critical of the people out there who might suffer in the same way - it's just that I would appreciate some idea of what reserves I might have to call on, so I can assess whether those reserves are adequate to keep me on an even keel.
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Message 3
Posted by poppy (U2220656) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Sun, 21 Feb 2010 13:24 GMT, in reply to TempName in message 1
Sounds harsh, but probably yes - although this is obviously a decision only you can make. Bipolar is hard work and I don't think you have to feel it is running away if you decide you can't or don't want to cope with it. I know bipolar is a medical decision but nobody ever seems to think what it is like for the friends/family of the sufferer. You can feel that you are lacking in compassion or understanding - but you have a right not to have to cope with it if you don't want to. -
Message 4
Posted by flea (U12948061) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Tempname, you obviously want to be anonymous but when you change your name all your past posts change too. And when (if) you change back this thread will revert to your original name.
If you want this thread to be completely anonymous you need to catpee these posts and start up a new account just for the Village Hall.
Best wishes. -
Message 5
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
I also have no wish to offend anyone struggling with their own or another's bipolar problems.
Tempname, you might like to peruse this thread and also to have more information and LA to the programme referred to
Decisions are not easy.
Dunlurkin -
Message 6
Posted by DeathToSSGs (U11202885) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Many thanks for the link, Dunlurkin - reading it clarified my thoughts towrds running away until I came to this bit:
which he is - usually. Oh rats rats rats.
Flea - thank you for the info re anonymity. I clearly hadn't thought it through. But it's been many months since I was a regular poster, certainly of new topics. Also, I think I flatter myself to assume people want to work out who I am, from my last nickname. (Although I haven't forgotten the pasting that poor PAH girl got 18 months or so ago). -
Message 7
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Temp, have you talked about it to him at all? I know it won't be easy, and you'll probably have to choose your time, but it's clearly bothering you, so you can't pretend it doesn't happen if things are to go on.
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Message 8
Posted by DeathToSSGs (U11202885) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Bearhug - not face to face. We don't live that close to each other but he told me first about it, was very open. We were going to talk today but he asked for some space - fair enough, don't want to push him. Thing is, I might be flattering myself to think there is any future anyway - anything he says about eg needing to see me NOW tends to be followed by him saying something horrible, so perhaps the affectionate statements are part of his manic stage before the crash and, therefore, meaningless.
Oh dear. -
Message 9
Posted by aliencorrie (U7290756) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
You should listen to the latest 'Taking a stand' on R4, still available today and tomorrow.
Very moving interview with a couple where the wife has bipolar.
ac -
Message 10
Posted by justpottering (U10058555) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
Hi Tempname
the choice is yours and yours alone to make, but many folk who live with someone with bipolar are not usually aware of it beforehand.
Many relationships where bi-polar develops, fail.
Living with someone with bi-polar is very difficult.
and of course people who have bi-polar have all the qualities that make relationships work or not work. Personality, characteristics, likes, dislikes, talent or not, experience, history, all the things that make anyone who they are, this includes yourself.
What will also be in the relationship is your own experience to date, you mention a little in your previous relationships, this will also be there and you will have sensitivities as a result.
Whatever your decision you will have to go into this with eyes wide open and know that it is going to be quite a ride, if you chose to go for it.
My experience tells me that you need to be able to live with the unexpected, the uncertainty on a possible daily basis, and be prepared to accept and live with all aspects/stages of the illness as well as living with the person and all that they are, who is affected by it.
not an easy one...
jp -
Message 11
Posted by justpottering (U10058555) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
I hope my previous post isn't seen as negative.
Living with someone with bi-polar can also bring joy and pleasure, as with any relationship.
I did not mean to imply that realtionship would not work, my parents were together for 55 years and would still be if mum had not passed away 16 months ago.
Whilst we miss her terribly in many ways, no-one, dad, myself, my brothers or my sister, misses the bi-polar and what it meant for us as a family, even though it was very much a part of who she was.
jp -
Message 12
Posted by superjan3 (U6523409) on Sunday, 21st February 2010
I would go along with the suggestion that you talk about the concerns that you both have - at a time when you both feel able to.
I have often let my bipolar prevent me from forming relationships - I have a couple of good friends who know me well enough to know the signs when I'm becoming unwell.
It's natural for you to have concerns, but there will be worries in starting any new relationship -especially as you've had problems in the past. -
Message 13
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Monday, 22nd February 2010
I think that for a relationship to survive one partner having bipolar disorder, it has to be a very strong relationship and the partner has to be a very resilient person.
I'd worry about someone going into a long-term relationship with someone with bipolar disorder unless they felt strong and assertive. -
Message 14
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Monday, 22nd February 2010
Mon, 22 Feb 2010 08:53 GMT, in reply to TempName in message 1
TempName, you don't sound "cynical and selfish" to me - you sound as if you're trying very hard to be realistic and to look after yourself.
If you're in a situation where you can withdraw into your own life when you need to, and can sense when he's going into manic or depressed phases, so that you don't have to feel responsible and guilty, then I'd say take the good bits, while that's enough for you, but it's natural for most people, and especially people who have had your experiences in the past, to want a bit of reciprocal care and sensitivity.
Maybe it's like the 3Cs of al-anon - "I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it." -
Message 15
Posted by twocherrytrees (U8095591) on Thursday, 25th February 2010
you dont sound cynical at all. you sound realistic and caring.
Bi polar is very difficult to live with or even to live close to. It doesnt go away, though you might hope it would respond or at least calm to treatment.
I agree with the three Cs in the last post, but there is also the effect it has on you and how you feel about that.
I feel for you.
2CT -
Message 16
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Friday, 26th February 2010
I'm not bi polar but do suffer depression and have for years.........it's not easy being a suffer anymore than it is being a partner or child of a suffer.
You're not being heartless/cruel or whatever else you may think, just being practial.....you have to do what's best for you and as you say you've had 2 bad relationships and don't want a 3rd, it may just be better to stay friends as opposed to going into a full relationship.....that way you have more contol if you get me drift!!
Good luck anyway love whatever you decide to do!O) -
Message 17
Posted by virtual_jan (U13662056) on Friday, 26th February 2010
I think above all else you need to be very secure within yourself if a long term relationship with a bi-polar person is to stand a chance.
Both the highs and the lows can both be very unsettling and if you have self esteem problems it is very easy to think it is you who has the problem - not the person with bi-polar.
One advantage that you have is that your partner's bi-polar is already diagnosed. I spent a good while worrying about just what I had done wrong during my ex's low phases and then being paranoid about what he was up to during his manic ones.
But I was not a strong enough person to cope with it.
v_j
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