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Care for elderly relative - help
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Swedey (U4339411) on Monday, 24th May 2010
My elderly MIL has had a couple of "turns" lately, a fall at home which didn't cause any physical harm but did shake her up. A week or so later she woke up feeling very dizzy and generally unwell, so pressed her emergency button and ended up being taken in to A&E. They diagnosed a mild chest infection but no other problem. She was discharged from hospital, but sent to a local nursing home for after care and assessment. She was very confused and frail on the day, but much better the following morning.
I'm contacing CAB to get them to explain how the system works and what, if any, home services she may be entitled to. I don't think she will quailfy for help from social services (she was assessed by an occupational therapist after the fall, and she agreed with that) so I'm starting to look into private home care. I think an hour or so a couple of times a week, on top of her current "cleaning help" (she is so much more, a lovely person, pretty rubbish at the cleaning bit but invaluable company). MIL needs help with showering, which I have done, but to have a formal arrangement with a carer would be better for both of us, I think. She has a bit of money stashed away, so can afford it (for now).
I have received so much help and support here over the past years, so am returning with another cry of help. I suffer from ongoing depression myself, and though I have been much better lately this has thrown me. And I feel so guilty for thinking of myself when it I should focus all my efforts on MIL. I'm trying to be strong but it's hard.
OH works, I don't, and also he is rubbish at empathy, so it comes down to me. And I don't actually have a problem with that.
If anyone has any tips, or experience to share, I would be really grateful.
S -
Message 2
Posted by Archie7762 (U14090056) on Monday, 24th May 2010
I can't help you much with practicalities as I haven't been in your situation, but you sound such a lovely, caring person that I just want to wish you all the best. Hope you find what you need in all ways.
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Message 3
Posted by captainbenayoun (U13326760) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Hi Sweedy, sorry to hear about your Mum. For what its worth, here is my experience when I had to look for care for my Mum.
I contacted Social Care at the suggestion of Mum's GP. They sent a Social Worker out to see us and we discussed the type of care Mum would need. Social Worker then said that it would take up to 6 weeks to put the care in place (Top Tip for anyone else, try to get this started while the person concerned is still in hospital, I'm told it is much faster when the Hospital is putting pressure on to free up the bed). Meanwhile, the Social Worker gave me a list of the private providers of care that they use, so that Mum and I could arrange (and pay for) care in the mean time. Once the care was in place, a nice woman from DWP visited to assess how much Mum would need to pay herself.
It's worked very well for Mum, she has someone come in in the morning to help her get dressed etc. Its a big relief for me and DS too, as the carer will call one of us if she is concerned about Mum.
Hope you get things sorted for your Mum soon
Cap -
Message 4
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Oh, Swedey: been through this with my own MiL, so hugs and sympathy. My situation was different. MiL was physically pretty good but her memory was going and she was lonely and depressed. Social services did assess - worth getting them involved. They organised carers a couple of times a day to supervise pill-taking and make sure she was up and breakfasted. Even if they can't help they can point you in the direction of reputable providers. Age Concern are useful too. Ask around: who do friends and neighbours use?
If you're thinking along the lines of a home, go and visit all you can in the area and see if you can find one that you think will suit her. My MiL initially fancied one of the big posh ones but after a week's respite in one changed her mind - too big and impersonal. Maybe see if any of them offer short respite breaks so that your MiL can try one out.
My MiL has ended up in an Abbeyfields and is so happy there that we can't quite believe it. She has been totally transformed. They're not geared up for people with major health issues, but they offer the advantage of freedom and independence with almost all the domestic stuff and food covered.
Good luck with it. Let us know how it's going. -
Message 5
Posted by captainbenayoun (U13326760) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Sorry, realised, too late, that it's your MiL. Not that the advice is any different, of course!
Cap
Now waiting for the flea, nearly there, neeeeaaarrlllly -
Message 6
Posted by SmoctusMole (U13882662) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Hi Swedey,
I think you are where I was at a few years ago!
Wot Cap says - and Social Services will direct you to the sort of day care you are looking for, including baths and transport. If your MiL doesn't qualify for totally free care Social Services can still arrange, but for your MiL to pay the % they say appropriate according to her savings. BTW, this also applies to respite.
Good luck. You are a good, kind and caring DiL. -
Message 7
Posted by Urban Yokel (U1485670) on Monday, 24th May 2010
My Dad has a carer who comes in each morning to get him showered and dressed. He lives in Scotland so that is free. He could have an evening one but they tend to come very early and he doesn't want to be in his pyjamas at 7.00pm so my mum pays an agency who are prepared to come for half an hour at 10.00pm. They also come a couple of times during the week to give her a break and they are very good. They will clean or iron whilst Dad sitting and I think she pays £14.00 an hour which she considers is worth it. Make sure your MIL claims all her allowances. My Dad gets attendance allowance which is about £70.00 a week which goes a long way towards paying for this care. I don't know if this is means tested but my parents are fairly well off and they qualify.
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Message 8
Posted by pahnda (U14386869) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Hi Swedey
You will be able to find out about Domiciliary Care Services in your MIL's area on the above site, including a copy of their last inspection report and quality rating. Social services may be of some help, but if your MIL will be paying her own bill then you can contact an agency directly. All agencies providing care to people in their own homes should be registered with CQC (assuming she is in England, which she may not be) and if they are not registered then they are operating illegally and don't go near them.
Make sure that she claims attendance allowance to help towards the bill. -
Message 9
Posted by politeLadyPortia (U7099336) on Monday, 24th May 2010
Just dropping by and will answer in full later but the Attendance Allowance is not means tested. It is important to apply as soon as feasible as if granted payment will be back dated to the date of application.
PLP -
Message 10
Posted by dondy (U3463640) on Tuesday, 25th May 2010
Also re attendance allowance.
Top tip from OH. They turn down a lot of people first time (in our area) but many get it second time around if they appeal/reapply straight away...
Good luck Swedey, and do remember to look after yourself too. Are there any other family members who can help out ?
dondy -
Message 11
Posted by Swedey (U4339411) on Tuesday, 25th May 2010
Thanks for your tips and support - I don't suppose I would have found out about attendance allowance otherwise.
I have now found the name of the lady who is handling MIL's "case", though not acutally been able to get through to speak with her yet. Still, all in good time.
MIL is feeling much better, and definately wants to continue living at home, so we are going to get a support network in order for her. Also, it's time to update her flat, get rid of big heavy furniture that she can't use, and put in a modern wardrobe etc. Sounds like little things, but will make a big difference.
Thanks again. -
Message 12
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Tuesday, 25th May 2010
Swedey, that sounds a bit more positive. Social workers can be very difficult to get hold of. Hope yours is a good one. My MiL's social worker is a fabulous young woman who has done everything she can to sort problems out and is as chuffed as we are at the way things have progressed. Good luck. Keep posting.
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