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Elderly, independent parents...
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Message 1.Â
Posted by BlueLagoon (U14269215) on Thursday, 5th August 2010
My parents are both in their 80's and living as independently as they can alone in a large house. My mum is not enjoying any good health at the moment and hasn't for some time. There's been loads of scares in the past with her being rushed to hospital with heart or breathing problems, she always seems to fight her way back. My dad is a wily old thing but very unsteady on his feet. Both are prone to falling over. My mum particularly is not really happy any more, she tends to find 'enjoyment' through buying useless stuff on a tv shopping channel at great expense which I've given up trying to persuade her to stop doing. Both of them tend to snap at each other over the least thing not helped by deafness, ill health and general irritability. I don't enjoy visiting any where near as much as I used to, it all gets very tense as I get stuck between the rows.
It would be helpful to hear of other people in a similar boat and how they deal with it. They won't move (and I think it would finish my mum off) they shop for food online, don't like asking for help unless they REALLY have to and just seem to be existing day to day with not much joy. I don't think really there are solutions.
My mum treats me like a child some times finding it hard to accept I can do something like turn her oven switch on without an indepth instruction about what not to do. She asked me to pick some mint and then proceeded to struggle out into the garden on shaky legs as I wouldn't be able to find the pot on its own or know how much to pick! This could be a mother daughter thing as helping my m-i-l is a joy in contrast as she's appreciative and lets me get on with it.
This isn't really meant to be a moan as such, it just all seems a bit sad to see your parents in their 80's not really enjoying life any more. -
Message 2
Posted by ThisLizzie (U5294918) on Thursday, 5th August 2010
Hello BlueLagoon,
>> I don't think really there are solutions <<
I think you're right about that and probably the mother/daughter thing too.
It is sad, and I know how it feels for you but the alternatives would not be any better IMHO. We all grow old and eventually we all die. I think all we can do as daughters is to be 'on-call' to help when we can and talk about it as you have done.
Good luck,
Liz -
Message 3
Posted by BlueLagoon (U14269215) on Thursday, 5th August 2010
Thanks Liz. I think it helps to know other people are in the same boat. I'm going on holiday for a couple of weeks soon with OH and kids and that leaves a worry of something happening when I'm away. And I worry at the very worse thing happening and what I'd do once abroad. My brothers will be around though but my mum looks so frail at the moment.
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Message 4
Posted by sweetFeet (U14377598) on Thursday, 5th August 2010
My parents lived independently in much he same way as yours are.
Over time my mother developed dementia and my father was her carer. He'd never cared for anything before, had no idea about cooking, cleaning etc.
They did have some help, but not a lot. They muddled through in a very disorganised manner.
I couldn't do anything to help as they live in Australia and I'm in the UK. Oh dear, it was very sad and frustrating speaking to them on the phone.
I'd suggest things but my father would poo-poo it all.
A few months ago my mother had a fall (she'd had many before this) and it was suggested to my father that he was no longer capable of looking after her.
She's now living in a care home and is, I understand happy and healthy. My father visits every day, he still drives and is pretty well considering.
I know it sounds odd, but it's the best thing for them.
Dad was very low at first, but now he gets out and does the things he likes. He sings in a choir and will be coming to London to sing at the opening of the rugby World Cup.
I know this doesn't help, but not much can. Things do tend to work out though.
Much love and try not to fret too much -
Message 5
Posted by BlueLagoon (U14269215) on Thursday, 5th August 2010
Thanks Sweeters, and it's interesting what you say about your dad. I think the care and worry of my mum must bring him down. He would probably do more stuff if he wasn't 'tied in' to her welfare. Nothing on an olympic scale but stuff that interests him. My brother thinks he's possibly depressed, but I see the jolly(ish) affable dad before he and mum lock horns over who didn't wrap something up properly before putting it back in the fridge.
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Message 6
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Friday, 6th August 2010
Blue Lagoon,
I'm a new poster here from the Food Board. On there a few of us started to mention concerns and frustrations about our elderly parents.
From there I started a thread on The Parenting Board to enable us to talk in more depth without monopolising the Food Chat.
It's at the bottom.
Circumstances all differ, and differ to yours but if you do manage to read it all the way through you may find some help toward making decisions when the time comes to make them.
In essence I bowed to my Mum's wish to stay in her home despite her various difficulties. She railed against any thought of being "put somewhere" and I complied to keep her "happy" for over ten years.
Only now with hindsight can I see that I was doing the worse thing possible and I actually helped to make her quality of life deteriorate.
She lived 50 miles away, alone.
Now she is 1 mile away in a home and being cared for, properly fed, visited more often and stimulated and I (yes, me!) feel so much better about her and her well being.
I hope there is something in there that helps.
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Message 7
Posted by sagethyme (U5272261) on Friday, 6th August 2010
Hi all, interested to join you.
Blue Lagoon, are you my sibling? Many similarities with our family.
One thing we did right. We encouraged our Aged Parents to move from an inconvenient house with many steps, to a ground floor flat, before it was too late. We had to navigate their understandable reluctance to move and items outside our control such as property chains. Everyone was happy with the new flat in the end.
They have been reasonably independent for a while, but now their health is deteriorating further. It is a case of trying to find a few things they still enjoy and learning for own future.
PS all these other Ö÷²¥´óÐã boards I never knew! -
Message 8
Posted by SussexCornflower InTheFinalCountdown (U13833966) on Friday, 6th August 2010
Yes, I wasn't really aware of all the other messageboards either.
That's an interesting thread you linked to Scoobydoo.
My Dad died five years ago and my Mum is now in the first stages of alzheimers. At present she is coping with day to day life very well and as long as she is in her normal routine she shops and cooks for herself perfectly well.
She looks after the house and the garden with a little help from me when I call round at the weekends.
However, I can see there will come a time when her forgetfulness will move into everyday life and my brother, sister and I will have to intervene.
She already talks about the time when she can't be bothered to do the cooking and washing etc. and will move into a nearby Residential Ö÷²¥´óÐã.
My concern is if there is a period in between where she still wants to remain at home but we can see that she is not coping or is a danger to herself. I guess we can bring in some carers to help initially.
I find the whole thing very worrying and I find myself thinking about it far too much - I am sure that it will all work out when it comes to it. -
Message 9
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Friday, 6th August 2010
Sussex Cornflower,
my Mum had carers calling 4 times a day to get her out of bed, wash her, check her meds and feed her.
She simply conned them or refused to cooperate.
She certainly would not let them wash her in private and they couldn't force her to get out of bed or dress.
She had effectively let depression grip her.
My dad died 27 years ago and she lived alone since.
I thought 4 times a day was great support and Social Services visited and agreed she was managing because she could put on a charm show if needed.
Then a carer called at 8.30am to find she had bled internally throughout the night and her bed and carpet were soaked.
That was a 12 hour gap since the last visit.
That is not meant to be alarmist I assure you. It was simply the point at which I realised that fighting for her right to remain independent all those years had been a folly on my part and I had been managing my conscience at the cost of her welfare.
She was hospitalised and during that spell it was agreed by all parties that she needed to be in a nursing home.
During the 8 weeks in hospital her dementia accelerated and, forgive me for saying "luckily" she had no recall of her home.
Her dementia is such that she asks after her mum and sister daily but is soon distracted and enjoys rides out to the park in the wheelchair for a "99" cone with my OH and children.
She's not in pain and is in a good place now and has company every day.
we are all happy to see her like that.
Sorry if I ramble but I do understand the difficulty, pain and "guilt" of convincing a parent they need to go into care -
Message 10
Posted by BlueLagoon (U14269215) on Sunday, 8th August 2010
Thanks Scoobydoo for that link. There must be loads of people of a certain age with parents coming up to their 70/80's and the concerns that this brings. I'm away for 2 weeks holiday now but I will have my mobile with me for any emergencies. My mum admitted today that she sits down for far too long and this is making her legs weak. I suggested she does regular little walks wound a large table that she can use to steady herself, but I think she was just humouring me when she said she'd try it!
She bought a deep fat fryer off the tv shopping channel and looked aghast when I asked if it was for her, no, just liked the look of it apparently and did I want it. I pointed out that no one really uses them any more and they're not a healthy way to cook etc. My poor sis in law now has been saddled with it as she was caught off guard and too polite to say no.Trouble is this keeps my mum buying as she'll look for more 'useful' things no one wants! -
Message 11
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Sunday, 8th August 2010
Just have some "Blue Lagoon" time and try and enjoy the two weeks.
People forget that the carers worrying over their elderly parents need support and a break too. -
Message 12
Posted by Auntie Molly (U14110968) on Monday, 9th August 2010
My 86 year old mum has dementia/Alzheimers. She still lives at home but needs an increasing amount of support. Her short term memory is very bad and she needs prompting to take her medication. She can get herself up in the morning and take herself to the toilet but very little else. She has become very passive and reluctant to make decisions about even the most trivial things, and likes me to tell her what to have for her evening meals (she has meals on wheels at lunchtime). In terms of food preparation all she can manage is ready meals cooked in the oven - she doesn't like using the microwave and even boiling an egg or making beans on toast seems to be too much for her now. She has also developed a bllnd spot about washing up - instead of washing up after every meal or even once a day, she just keeps on and on using clean dishes until there's none left! We can't go away without either my brother coming down to stay with her or putting respite care arrangements in place. Keeping the house clean is a problem, she's had several lots of regular cleaners in the past but they understandably get fed up when she refuses to let them in, saying she doesn't want the house cleaned today thanks. She also needs help keeping herself clean but she refuses any that I offer. She has a bath lift put in free by the social services - she used it once or twice but won't any more. There will come a time when she needs to go into a home, but it will be difficult to persuade her - she has recently got a bee in her bonnet about wanting her house to stay in the family.
My 86 year old FIL is entering the terminal stages of prostate cancer, and his 86 year old wife is running herself into the ground going to visit him in hospital every day. She's not in the best of health, has limited mobility and they live 200 miles away. My OH, who is himself recovering from cancer, has been rushing up and down to support her. There are other relatives living close by who would be happy to help out but MIL doesn't want them involved in case they "take over". FIL wants to come home but there is no way MIL will be able to cope. -
Message 13
Posted by sagethyme (U5272261) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Auntie Molly
Just a note to say we are listening and sympathising and have no easy answers.
This year and last my siblings and I arranged for my father to have a week in a care home to give my mother a rest. She is his main carer and is still reasonably mobile.
Unfortunately he hated both places though we did our best to arrange visitors, food and drink he likes, etc. He is mentally all there, though very deaf, and said there was no-one worth talking to. I met some of the staff and they were caring but rather patronising and always busy.
I do not know whether it is better or worse if people know what is happening to them. Any views? Not that we have a choice in how old age takes us. -
Message 14
Posted by sweetFeet (U14377598) on Monday, 9th August 2010
My mother would never have gone into a nursing home had it not been for the last fall she had. In the last four years she has had several and broken her hip twice.
Her last fall left my father unable to cope anymore as she has dementia as well as being doubly incontinent and unable to walk. She is able to take a few steps with a walking frame and that's about it.
Apparently she is happy in her new home though protests that she wants to go home when she has a review every now and then.
Mindful that she's sensitive about being "put in a home", they ask her if she's happy to stay with them until she's well again and she's always happy to agree to that.
My father has all his marbles and shows no signs of losing them.
If he were to deteriorate physically I cannot imagine how he would manage living in a nursing home. He'd he very seriously unhappy. -
Message 15
Posted by Auntie Molly (U14110968) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Sagethyme, thank you. It has been helpful hearing other people's experiences here and I'd like to extend my good wishes to all of you.
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Message 16
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Monday, 9th August 2010
I can relate to that sweeters as my Mum would violently object to all talk about "a home" or even a day centre.
Then her internal bleed episode meant she was in hospital for about 8 weeks. Whilst there we realised that dementia had become more advanced and memory of her own home was almost erased and exchanged for memory of her mum's home.
In that respect moving her to a home was made far more easy although at first she thought she was just being shown a nice room.
When we tried to leave she refused to stay but the staff told us to "disappear" and let them talk to her.
It worked because they know their profession.
The next problem was that as she was now just a mile away I visited every day until I realised I was causing her to ask "are we going now?"
The staff agreed she needed to feel at home there and I cut back the visits.
Now I go 3/4 times and my children and OH alternate.
In good weather we take her in the wheelchair for ice cream.
She asks after her mother every day but soon changes the subject.
My view now is that dementia is not causing her pain or discomfort. If she says she saw her mum yesterday then so be it.
I do not know whether it is better or worse if people know what is happening to them. Any views? Â
In Mum's case she has simply "lost" memory of a significant part of her life and relates to her life over 40/50 years ago.
Would I prefer that to seeing her in pain and agony?
Of course I would.
Compared to some of the carer situations on this thread I have nothing to complain about.
I feel for you all. -
Message 17
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Hi everyone
Scooby was kind enough to show me this board...I am usually posting on the food board.
I will probably be in pre mod for a while so I won't ramble too much about my situation, only to add My mum's 89 and I am her carer. Once I get through pre mod I would love to chat and give/recieve advice regarding our respective charges.
Looking forward to chatting. -
Message 18
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Checking to see if pre mod.
Trish -
Message 19
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Doesn't look like you are in pre-mod, tinyTrishkins. The last post came through very quickly.
I have read your contributions to the thread that was linked further up. I've never been on to the Food Board, so was unaware of your discussions there.
After a 3 month period in hospital, my mother was 'bed-blocking' and the hospital discharge team made the decision that she needed to go into residential care with nursing care. Unfortunately, she did not accept the situation at all, and still blames me and my sibling for 'putting her in a home'. She often needs care 24/7, so even if we didn't have other responsibilities, no one person could provide the level of care needed - this was the view of the social worker in the hospital.
At least the decision was taken out of our hands, but it doesn't help the relationship when she is constantly focussing on the negative aspects of being in the home. The staff are absolute saints - don't believe anything you read in the papers about nursing homes. -
Message 20
Posted by sagethyme (U5272261) on Monday, 9th August 2010
constantly focussing on the negative aspects of being in the home. The staff are absolute saints Â
Yes Lili, from limited experience during respite care for my father as mentioned above, and visiting other elderly people, I agree.
A problem for those who have their mental faculties intact, seems to be the lack of interesting things to do and people willing and able to chat. My father was horrified by the other elderly people, and said they all just slumped in front of TV channels he never watches. BTW he was not in the wing with the people suffering from dementia....
We ensured that he had some books and his Guardian delivered. Of course he also missed my mother dreadfully but has got into the bad habit of not appreciating her for the other 51 weeks of the year.
Nothing new there after 60+ years of marriage. We have never understood how she puts up with it. I suppose it is that generation. -
Message 21
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Monday, 9th August 2010
The staff are absolute saintsÂ
I honestly thought I was witnessing an "act" during the first few visits, but after 4 months or so I can see that they are people with a very genuine caring side to them. Nothing is too much trouble and their patience is admirable.
but it doesn't help the relationship when she is constantly focussing on the negative aspects of being in the home.Â
It's hard isn't it?
But you have to ride above it and think what her life would be like without that special care she's receiving.
Also, what would yours be like?
A constant worry most likely.
Don't accept the guilt she offers you.
She's in a good place even if she doesn't see it that way.. -
Message 22
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Thank you, Scooby. Yes, I know you are right, but it's been a fairly grim 15 months. We know in our heart of hearts what it would have been like if she had stayed in her own home, but she only remembers the good times when she was able to cope, and is comparing that with her situation now.
It also makes me wonder what my life will be like in 25 years time (if I'm still here). -
Message 23
Posted by SussexCornflower InTheFinalCountdown (U13833966) on Monday, 9th August 2010
It is indeed encouraging (if that is the word) to read what others are dealing with. You seem to have an extra heavy load, Auntie Molly.
My hope is that the Arisept will keep Mum as she is now for a few years so she can stay at home for the time being. The thing is, she loves the garden and it keeps her entertained for many months of the year as she is physically very fit.
I would hate to deprive her of that. -
Message 24
Posted by SussexCornflower InTheFinalCountdown (U13833966) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Just thought.
I started a thread (see below) about clocks with the day, month and year on them. Some of the links are helpful.
I wondered if anyone here had bought one?
The radio controlled ones are strangely expensive but that seems to be the only way to take account of the differing number of days in the month.
-
Message 25
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Monday, 9th August 2010
It also makes me wonder what my life will be like in 25 years time Â
What do you mean Lili - when you may become unable to manage for yourself?
Sussex, my mum loved her very tiny garden.
Then one day fell on concrete and couldn't get up alone. A friend found her. She insisted the friend got her indoors, onto the stair lift, upstairs and into bed - only then could the doctor be called!
I'm glad your mum is still fit enough to enjoy the garden! -
Message 26
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 9th August 2010
What do you mean Lili - when you may become unable to manage for yourself? Â
Well, yes. My mother is only 25 years older than me. It's a bit sobering that it's not only people in their 80s and 90s that may need care... -
Message 27
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Monday, 9th August 2010
I'm 60 Lili - Mum is 85.
A few weeks back they had a new male resident.
He is 69.
I had a vision of me soon to be in a home sharing a room with my Mum.
Back to the Future.
I wish we had smileys -
Message 28
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Monday, 9th August 2010
Eek! 69 is young. We had a problem over whether she needed to have her own TV Licence or not, and the home had not encountered the problem before because everyone else is over 75 and doesn't need a licence at all.
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Message 29
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Monday, 9th August 2010
In Mum's home they have several very large tellys in a few communal areas (all with subtitles on) and don't encourage tellys in their rooms as they want them to socialise with each other.
Sometimes my Mum wanders to sit by herself for a while if she gets a little "oversocialised" but I think several residents do that depending on their mood or nature. -
Message 30
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Morning everyone
Seems I'm not in Pre Mod..Yeah!
Mum is 89, Dad passed away 2 and a half years ago now...they were married for 62 years!
Dad did everything for Mum...the shopping, the cooking as she was starting with the first signs of dementia. He looked after the banking and the money. They lived in NZ for 30 odd years and came back to Britain 10 years ago.
Dad always said that Mum would go before him..so there was no need for her to know anything about the finances etc... Well famous last words and Dad popped his clogs leaving mum utterly devistated, bewildered, shocked and heartbroken....Oooo gosh I'm getting teary typing this.
Anyway....I gave up my job and drove straight down from Scotland to Stafford to be with mum as she could not possibly be on her own. I lived with her for a month and got all the necessary sorted...funeral, death certs etc etc...Poor old OH came down to visit on the weekends 600mile round trip. We made the decision Mum, OH and I to sell her house and move her up to Edinburgh to be near us, in Sheltered accomodation, as she wasn't ready for a home yet...feircly independent!
She smiled a nodded in all the right places when we viewed six different accomodations...finally we picked one that was only 5 min drive 30 min walk from our house.
Back in Stafford..she stayed in her old house for another 4 months ( I was back in Edinburgh...visisting at the weekend and doing her shopping on line for her)...she couldn't go out and was getting very very fed up with life in general....unfortunatley on afternoon she went out into her garden and had a serious fall...a concrete slab fell on her shin! Well she dragged herself into the house....blood everywhere and into her chair and phoned for her neice who lived down the road to come. She had an alarm button around her neck....but would she press it...Of course not, didn't want to disturb anyone! Well this put her in hospital for 4 weeks...getting skin grafts. But it also enabled us to sell her house and get a truck and move her stuff up to her new house....she never went back to the old place once she was out of hospital, it was straight up to Edinburgh.
She has been there 2years now.. the area is called Blackhall.....at first she used to call it the Blackhole of Calcutta...(snigger), at first she used to moan about everything. Now she is loveing it. She has the independance of her own 1 bedroom flat, kitchen, bathroom, lounge, she is on the ground floor so her lounge opens up to the garden...the gardens are manicured, there is a residence lounge, laundry. They have morning coffee and afternoon tea...this afternoon she has Tai Chi class.
She is fitter than she was in Stafford, she goes shopping with me at the weekends...actually goes and picks her own food, she loves it. I go and cook her evening meals for her 5 nights out of 7...she can't be trusted with a stove...last time she used it the fire brigade turned up...Oooppppps. Life for her at the moment is Grand.
But having dementia affects OH and I more than her....she doesn't know she has it...and you darn't mention she has it...she'd snap your head off!...she has no idea what day it is. But what grinds me down is the constant asking the same question over and over and over again...with absolutley no recolection of having asked it in the fist place. She's not ready for a home yet...I would like to keep her where she is for as long as possible...if it means bringing in carers I will do it....I couldn't do the bathing and personal stuff....she's my Mum..her dignity wouldn't alow me to do it anyway. But as Scooby say's he wished he'd done it sooner....Mum has the best of both worlds at the moment...the other residence and the activites and the privacy of her own home....so fingers crossed that is where she can remain.
Sorry it's such a long winded story...they won't all be as long. -
Message 31
Posted by sagethyme (U5272261) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
don't encourage tellys in their rooms as they want them to socialise with each otherÂ
As mentioned above, my experience of care homes is limited, but this did not work for my father. The first home was like this with a big screen in the lounge, always on a mindless channel (his words) and no individual room TVs.
The second home was slightly better because he could have Ö÷²¥´óÐã2 or Ö÷²¥´óÐã4 in his own room.
Socialising was non-existent in both cases. Those who sat in front of the screens would or could not talk, or went to sleep. He is often grumpy with family but is polite to strangers and would have liked to talk.
I wish he could have a Message Board facility like this. When home computers became easily available we tried to teach him but it was just a few years too late. My mother learned to email and enjoys occasional googling. This has become another cause of conflict as he is jealous. When we are 25 years older Lili, hopefully we can still use the Boards?
Have the others here found that computers help their parents? I think the OP has problems with too many items bought on websites? -
Message 32
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
My Mum, without fail, on every visit asks "Have you been to my mother's house yet?" or, "Can we go and see my mother?"
I have to gently remind her that she is 85, I'm 60 and Nan passed away when I was 15.
I have to explain the same about her 6 siblings.
It upsets her but any change of subject works quickly.
If she tells me that she wemt to see her mother I let her tell me whatever she thinks happened.
If anyone is not familiar with dementia that may sound as if she has no hold on reality.
That's not the case.
She can talk about the present, loves to have a newspaper and gossip mag, watches telly and natters with other residents. The staff love her sense of humour.
It's not all bad, honest. -
Message 33
Posted by sweetFeet (U14377598) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Yes, a lot.
My father has been using a computer for many years, though me admits that he can no longer keep up with the speed of technological changes.
I have an elderly aunt, in her late eighties, who is physically buggered (her words). She reluctantly got herself a laptop a few years ago as she'd heard about on-line shopping.
She taught herself the basics and is now brilliant with the lappy. She is, however a very bright woman.
She admits that she'd be lost without a computer, for all manner of things. -
Message 34
Posted by Auntie Molly (U14110968) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
But having dementia affects OH and I more than her....she doesn't know she has it...and you darn't mention she has it...she'd snap your head off!...she has no idea what day it is. But what grinds me down is the constant asking the same question over and over and over again...with absolutley no recolection of having asked it in the fist place.Â
My mum was told she had dementia at her last visit to the memory clinic. But it didn't sink in and she doesn't remember now. She knows her memory is bad but she doesn't think herself any worse than anyone else of her age. Another neighbour the same age as her has dementia and when she heard she said "well, I'm fine, touch wood". If anyone asks whether she's on any medication she says no, even though I come round every day to make sure she takes it! She apparently has Alzheimers as well as vascular dementia (the type resulting from brain damage caused by tiny strokes) and has lost all her initiative. She can just about get herself out of bed in the morning, and get her own breakfast, and make herself cups of tea, but that's about it. Asking the same question over and over again …."How's [my FIL] ?" "Oh, not very well." "Oh, what's wrong with him" "well, he has cancer" and having to explain that over and over again. I find doing her food shopping wearing as well, because she doesn't know what she wants and relies on me to choose things for her. Then I have to check the cooking instructions to make sure she'll be able to manage it. Just put it in the oven and take it out when it's done is all she can manage - it's no use getting things that require stirring half way through, for example. Even simple instructions confuse her. It's so sad when I remember how she used to be.
I feel terribly guilty because I know I should be doing more to stimulate her, but I work full time and it seems as much as I can do to ensure that her physical needs are met. She did go to a day centre once but refused to go again - it wasn't her cup of tea. -
Message 35
Posted by jollymrsowl (U11053266) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
My mother had to leave her beloved Spain after living there for 18 years and reutrn to the UK because of very serious ill health (lungs), frailty and unable to cope on her own any more.
My brother brought her back with some of her belongings and she went in a home near him. After a few attempts at eating in the dining room with the other inmates, she took to her room where she had all her meals, drank her red wine, did her crosswords, listened to her music and watched her television. When I asked her why she didn't mix more she replied "I don't want to be with all those old people". At first I was concerned for her, but the more I visited (unfortunately only on my trips to UK) and the more I saw everone sitting round the walls with the TV blaring out, the various strange noises some of the inmates made (no fault of theirs), I realized my mother was better off alone.
Unfortunately after a sojourn of almost 5 years she passed away Feb.2009. She always said that when I learn of her passing I should always be pleased for her, because then her suffering had stopped. She was 88.
MrsOwl -
Message 36
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Hi Auntie Molly
Please don't feel guilty
It's an emotion that we can't excape from no matter how much we do. I work full time too and go and see her 5 nights out of 7 to cook her dinner. I take her out on Sat and Sunday she comes to ours for Sunday Dinner.
I physically can do no more...I stay for an hour when I do her dinner....sometimes I can't wait to get out!..then driving home I think, should have stayed longer.....but I have a life and a husband...bless him he is brilliant with her.
I had a quickie visit last night as it was OH's birthday and we had plans....bless her cotton socks, she said Oh you shouldn't have bothered tonight.....but I'm glad I did
-
Message 37
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
I could have sworn I just replied to Auntie Molly
Perhaps I am in pre mod ??????
Perhaps I am getting dementia......OOOoooer Mrs -
Message 38
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Just want to send loving support to all of you and count my blessings (so far) with Dad. He is 85, lives alone (and has done for 12 years), cooks, cleans, does a spot of gardening, has just painted his utility room (over a long period of time), still drives competently (but only locally) and is doing just great. He has short-term memory difficulties and I do wonder where it is going but he is not any worse than he has been for the past few years so if he is deteriorating it is very slowly.
I hope I can cope if/when he gets more frail but my sister and I are very good friends and will sort it out between us, I hope. I take on board the person who said that in over-concern for their mother's independence they "neglected" her welfare. All decisions are hard. We can only do our best.
LynnieP x -
Message 39
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Oh Blushing perfusely!!!!!!
I have just seen what I have done DOH
Oh well whilst I'm here for the 3 min rule.
Dad was a wizz on his computer...but then he was an Electrical Engineer. But mum used to call it the 'other woman'!
We tried mum on our computer, as she used to be able to type....and actually still can, and remembers which fingers are witch letters on the keyboard. But alas cause of the electric keyboard she doesn't like using it...she has with my help sent a couple of emails to her friends in NZ. I bought her and old convential typewriter...with ribbon, but she can't be bothered. Alway's saying, "I'v got plenty of time, I'll do it later", but never does. -
Message 40
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Hi Lynnie,
I take on board the person who said that in over-concern for their mother's independence they "neglected" her welfare.Â
I'm not sure if I expressed myself well.
What I meant was, in supporting my mother's fierce demands to stay in her home, I only later realised that I had in fact deprived her of a better quality of life as she has now.
If she was in the physical and mental condition your dad is in I'd be delighted to see her enjoy her independence.
I thought that carers calling 4 times a day was going to be the solution.
Sadly, due to Mum's intransigence it wasn't.
The care agency failed to keep us honestly informed and I once found a ready meal in the microwave that was riddled with mould so had been there for many days.
They were meant to be heating a meal and presenting it to her late afternoon.
They had clearly given up. -
Message 41
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Oh scooby - how difficult for you, particularly when you were doing your very best. What can you do in those circumstances? What you did do, in fact, residential care is the only way.
I think it is really hard, taking care of elderly parents. And it flies in the face of all previous experience - my little Dad (not very tall, but a strong person) was very much Head of the Family. He now defers to me in everything and is frequently asking my advice. I am happy to help but I hate it. I liked it best when he was proper "Dad". However, all the family likes a laugh and a sense of humour really helps in life, doesn't it?
LynnieP x -
Message 42
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
It just came to no choice Lyynie.
She visited last Christmas, as every year, and we knew then that was her last visit.
We also realised there were hygiene issues which was very upsetting.
I sent photos of her on her 85th in the home to all her friends "back home".
They all remarked on the change (for the better)
It might sound awful but the dementia after her hospital stay made it easy for me. She "forgot" her own home whilst in hospital. -
Message 43
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Hi LynnieP
Sense of Humour is the key
Mum has it in abundance and I never realised it untill I had to start to care for her!
She has a wicked and very quick wit! She herself calls the residence of her sheltered Accom. the inmates, the oldies, but not her girls they are her pals!
She comes out with us if we are going to see any jazz bands...she'll sit there playing her air piano, quite happy and with the odd wink across to a gent!!!!!
We took her home one night after being at our's and she'd had a few sherries! Well she was going down the corridor towards her flat...weaving about with her walking aid...I had to shhh her as she was singing!....She said in a loudish voice....."Do you think they can expelle me"...I too then fell about the place laughing! -
Message 44
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
I think it is really hard, taking care of elderly parents. And it flies in the face of all previous experience - my little Dad (not very tall, but a strong person) was very much Head of the Family. He now defers to me in everything and is frequently asking my advice. I am happy to help but I hate it. I liked it best when he was proper "Dad". However, all the family likes a laugh and a sense of humour really helps in life, doesn't it?Â
Lynnie, that is the hard part isn't it. Hard for the older generation to know when it is time to hand the torch on, hard for the generation receiving it to know that they no longer have a strong dad or mum to go to for advice or support. But it is the cycle of life. And little Dad is still there in your lfe, just moving on and probably proud he has your strength to help him.
Modern medicine and the overwhelming emphasis on youth and beauty are in sharp contrast to arriving near the end of life with dementia or other illnesses which may take away dignity and autonomy.
"Ecclesiastes
A Time for Everything
1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
As you say, a family with a good sense of humour does have an advantage. -
Message 45
Posted by sweetFeet (U14377598) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Anyone know this poem?
I sometimes think it's very apt. -
Message 46
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Tue, 10 Aug 2010 12:42 GMT, in reply to sweeters in message 45
I am having yet another crisis with my parents, and my dad ploughed with a horse as a young man.
That poem helped me to get a better perspective on things, so thank you, sweeters. -
Message 47
Posted by tinyTrishkins (U13690702) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Gosh very nearly in tears reading that.
It's all very humbling.
I just have a sort of philosophy.
I am adopted, so my parents went out of there way to get me, I was so so wanted, they brought me up and taught me ( I was a rebellious teen )they had their work cut out! 17 years they put up with me...it is the least I can do to help her now.
When I feel like I would like to throttle her (joke)....I am sure she must have wanted to throttle me at times too!....in fact I'm sure she tried on a couple of occassions....Laugh
It would be nice to have smileys. -
Message 48
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 10th August 2010
Lynnie, apologies: had a senior moment there are & posted the whole quote instead of a link. tsk tsk.
-
Message 49
Posted by Auntie Molly (U14110968) on Wednesday, 11th August 2010
Sweeters that is very apt. It's the complete reversal of roles that is so sad and difficult to come to terms with.
-
Message 50
Posted by Scoobydoo (U11966922) on Wednesday, 11th August 2010
I went to see Mum last night and the Care Manager and a few staff told me they were making a Simon Cowell scrapbook for her.
I was lost and asked why.
They said "Ooh, she loves him".
My wife and I were baffled and I said that was news to me.
Apparently, in the week, she looked at a photo of him in a mag or paper, ripped it out, folded it and shoved it in her blouse.
They thought it was hilarious and as they told us Mum just sat there poker faced.
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