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Otherwise: Housewife Blues

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  I'm not completely a housewife because I have a business based at home, which gives me an irregular, small income.
  
  But in other ways I am one. My two older children are beyond the teenager years. I've been feeling sad off and on because of the breakdown of my relationship with my son. I get on with my elder daughter quite well. My younger daughter is hitting puberty, and has become both more remote and demanding. As she used to be very affectionate I find the change in her difficult, although I know that what she's going through is inevitable, normal etc.
  
  I am beginning to go into the menopause, but quite healthy.
  
  In the meantime my husband is increasingly taken up with his own business affairs. He tries hard to be helpful and considerate. But he seems to be increasingly absent-minded and preoccupied, and is working at weekends as well as Monday to Friday.
  
  I have got used to/am trying to get used to being more independent and self-sufficient, and to making sure I see my own friends. I do voluntary work to make a change from the - rather solitary - work I do from home.
  
  But I seem to be finding my husband's absent mindedness increasingly difficult. For example we had been asked to look after my neighbours' chickens. At one point when my husband went to let them out, he told me there was a crisis because our neighbours hadn't left them enough food and their feeders were empty. (He's fed the chickens on previous occasions.) So, although I was very busy with domestic tasks - washing,cooking, tidying as we'd just got back from holiay - I started getting scraps together for the hens.
  
  The next morning I was in a hurry, because it was the day of my voluntary work. I was doing some heavy shopping - without a car - and also called into the pet shop to buy chicken food, before lugging everything back home.
  
  But when I went to the coop the feeders were half-full. My husband had seen an empty extra water dish left in the henhouse by the neighbours, and jumped to the wrong conclusion, without seeing the nearby feeders which were in their usual place, and which he'd topped up on previous occasions.
  
  He doesn't have early dementia or anything like that. My husband has a high-powered responsible job which he does extremely well.
  
  When he got home from work and I told him about this, he claimed it was my fault because he'd asked me to come and inspect the 'problem' of there being no food, but I had declined because I was busy with sorting the house out after our holiday. (This is the sort of thing my younger daughter would say. Something she hasn't done or which she's done wrong, is always somebody else's fault.)
  
  And this sort of thing makes me furious and very upset. It's as if I make all sorts of allowances on a daily basis, but then I feel I'm being asked to tolerate something that is not acceptable.
  
  What would you do? How would you feel?

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Anne-Marie (U1474870) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Hello friend of moose. I haven't spotted your name before so welcome to the boards. If you've been here for ages, apols - I am an irregular poster.
  
  Thinking if the specific situation you describe: when folk in my house can't find something, I have started asking them where they have looked do far - often nowhere. So this prompts action. If they haven't looked in the obvious places, I suggest they do so. If they say they have looked I might then look in the same places, mainly because my folk tend to look in a fairly perfunctory manner. Over the years, I have realised that I need to cultivate independence in them and less reliance on me.
  
  On a more general note re your post: you mention your o/h's absent mindedness and that he is very busy with work pressures. Perhaps he is so occupied that he is stressed and so his attention to (domestic) detail is reduced. So possibly in his stress/haste he thought no food, panic and dashed away without looking properly.
  
  I wonder how you would feel about discussing with him that you are concerned that work stress is affecting him in other ways? Also, it might be worth broaching the subject that your home duties are as valid and as important as his work ones - if you didn't do them he would not be supported in his work.
  
  Marriage is a partnership and whatever role each partner takes, the other should appreciate and respect it.
  
  Fingers crossed you get things sorted out - or you might have to threaten strike action!
  
  AMx

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Dame_Celia_ Molestrangler (U14257909) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Friend of moose,
  
  My first reaction would be to do something that I liked - something just for me.
  
  I remember that when I took Friday afternoon off to cycle to the next town for Danish lessons I felt a delicious feeling of skiving off. It was MY TIME. All for ME!
  
  Try and figure out what it is that you like. I remember reading somewhere that what you liked as a child, you will like as an adult.
  
  You should stop doing things for other people and focusing on them all the time and do something that gives you and you alone pleasure. It's a way of refreshing your soul.
  
  
  As for the forgetfulness, I think everyone does that. I think it's because different people have different priorities and things going through their minds.

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by CC Growing old disgracefully (U13344869) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Hello and welcome to the board.
  
  I really do feel for you. Somehow being wife and Mum does take its toll on you. I agree that your OH could well be involved in his job with his mind on other things, so hense lack of communication over the hens. Teenagers well, teenagers will be teenagers what more can you say.
  
  You mentioned about a holiday, have you just come back from one?. If so this could explain a few things. Your OH could be even more stressful catching up on work that was not done (or done properly) while he was away. After a holiday it takes time to get back into the normal routine. With the children not at school or college it means that they are about more makeing the place untidy. A trip to the shops to do shopping without a car can be stressful as well ,especially carrying that chicken food which was not needed.
  
  Maybe menopause. Do you have an understanding GP that you can talk to about this.
  
  Hope that things do get better and you get some appreciation and thank yous from your family. If not as said before. Strike Action. That would make them realise what you do!

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by MrsGks (U14084771) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Hi Friend of Moose
  <quote>What would you do?</quote>
  Shout, rant and rave.
  <quote/>
  And yes, I do feel better for it. Sometimes it changes things very short-term in as much as I get a little immediate help e.g. put the shopping away instead of stepping over it but I figure they are not children any more, so they can help (sometimes I think they helped more when they were).
  
  thinks are on an even keel I sit down with them all(o/h and two adult children) and tell them how I feel.
  
  I know exactly where you're coming from but I think with all the emotional stuff going on with your children and the menopause if you have an understanding gp, as mentioned upthread, a visit may be a good idea.
  
  There is also a Stress Support Thread here in TVH where we let off steam about anyone and anything. You will be welcome there.
  
  MrsGks

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by MrsGks (U14084771) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Sorry, got my boxes mixed up. I'm sure you got the gist of it.
  
  MrsGks

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  If the older two are still living at home, they should definitely be helping out - and the youngest one I assume is about 13, so there are lots of things she can do, too, particularly in the holidays. Certainly my school holiday memories include quite a few chores, but it can be quite sociable, a time to talk, if you're all sat round cleaning brass and silver together, or podding peas, topping and tailing soft fruit and so on. Even things like making the beds are quicker with two, and it is useful when you leave home to have a good idea of all the things you need to do to run a house (cooking, laundry, other cleaning and so on.)
  
  But reading your post, I think the main key is communication, and things all happening together - a child hitting puberty, menopause, stressed husband - all those are difficult enough on their own, but together, it's going to be really hard work. I think you need to sit down together, and get over the message that you all have your own things going on, and it's down to everyone to contribute to the running of the household, not just you.
  
  Of course, this is far easier to say than do, particularly if everyone (including you) is used to you dealing with things, but if that's the way it's been, then it also gets easy for everyone to take the way things are for granted.
  
  I usually find it easier to support people if I have some idea what's going on - in your husband's case, I'd like to have some idea if it's a big project with an end-date coming up, or just on-going, because if the end is in sight, it's easier to live with, but if it's going to be on-going, then some balance needs to be struck (for himself as much as the rest of you.) But again, this is far easier in theory than in practice.
  
  And now I'm wittering aimlessly, so will shut up.

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by Pint of Shires (U3621282) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Dear Friend of Moose,
  
  I feel for you; it sounds as though all your energy is going in one direction at the moment so that you can keep your family going.
  
  It seems from your OP that your emotional concerns are about connecting with your your children, particularly your daughter. Without suggesting that you try and become her BFF, are there things you can do together that will help you see into her world? Have you been to the cinema and Nando's (other restaurants are available) with her recently?
  
  A cinema visit is also a wonderful way to sit in a darkened room with no other distractions for a couple of hours, so perhaps you might enjoy this for yourself whatever the film.
  
  Husbands who work long hours are a notoriously tricky business. Would you rather have his time, money or his help? These tend to be the realistic options. Or at least 2 out of 3. But you and he should decide.
  
  If he has a really good income and this is important to you then you must sacrifice either help or time, but not both. He has responsibilities too. If he has a moderate income then it would be reasonable to expect some more help...you get the drift.
  
  
  I think you probably can't have all. If you prefer his time, then ask him if there can be one day a week when he comes home early - it could be a day of his choosing so he can schedule it around meetings etc. But also gently remind him that he does have responsibilities to you as a wife and to your family. I think it's very common for men to get very fixed on their 'must provide' mental image of themselves that they become quite blinkered to other things.
  
  Your husband and daughter might be quite suprised if you make reasonable requests in this way.
  
  Good luck to you.
  
  PoS

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Dear Friend
  You do seem to be having a time of it. I'm glad to read that, as usual, MustardLand has come up with some good ideas to help you get the support you are looking for.
  
  Do you know exactly what change you want? One tip I find useful is to write out my complaints, and what I want to have different. It can take me quite some time, and to take several goes at it, til you are clear. Hope you find what works for you, F xx

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Tuesday, 24th August 2010

  Thanks everyone.
  
  I suppose I'm not sure whether I believe in the possiblity of more than minor changes. For example I can try and get my younger daughter to take more responsibility for clearing up after herself. My husband will be particularly busy for the next 15 months, so I think when he is around he'll often be tired, not at this best etc. (It's not so much that he's a super-high earner. More that he's taken on a additional responsibility to which he's committed for a while.)
  
  In a way the deal we have isn't a bad one. It's not like he has all the good stuff and I have all the rubbish. Both of us have to deal with frustrations.
  
  What I'd like most is to be able to put more energy into my own small business venture. And also for some sort of family life to be maintained over what will probably be quite a testing year or so...
  
  Things may improve a little once the summer holidays come to an end.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by dondy (U3463640) on Wednesday, 25th August 2010

  FoM
  
  Just wanted to say that your post made me think, as some of my situation is similar to yours (though by no means all) and it is easy to feel that it is all one long slog with no hope of change in sight.
  
  I think it can be quite hard to find time for yourself when you are based at home (working for money or not !) as it is easy for everything to blend together into one.
  
  It is also pretty tricky to get e.g. kids to pull their weight if they are not used to it (working hard on it with 8 yr old at present but it is an uphill slog largely caused by me not getting her to do enough earlier on in life...) I think the thing is to stop automatically doing things for them unless their not being done is life-threatening or detrimental to your own or others' sanity etc ! e.g. I have stopped automatically looking for things for others when they say "Where's my x".
  
  What I'd like most is to be able to put more energy into my own small business venture. And also for some sort of family life to be maintained over what will probably be quite a testing year or so... 
  
  I think the way to get this to work is to book time in the week to concentrate on just this as if you have booked an appointment with yourself, and don't let yourself be dragged into anything else in that block of time (really hard I know). Also, I get the feeling you are lacking the energy to put in this extra time and that can be hard.
  
  I think OldJanxSpirit is right about having something outside the house which is just for you. I keep up a language class, just for fun, as it means I see a group of people each week who are unconnected with the rest of my life, and I use my brain in a totally different way.
  
  Keep posting here as it is good to be able to offload sometimes in a "safe" place.
  
  Best wishes
  
  dondy
  
  

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