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Your thoughts on this

• Message 1. 

  Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Wednesday, 1st September 2010

  Really, this is a spin off of morganish's thread about her niece.
  
  I know an old lady who is pretty lonely (visit & take her out when I can) & not that well off. She has a great niece, aged 20, (a student) I also know the great niece's parents, but not well enough for intimacies & they are the kind of people who easily take offence.
  
  The great aunt gives the great niece lots of presents/money, but never gets more than a quick "thank you" The great niece lives 2 miles away (& has to drive past her house every day) but NEVER pops in or makes a quick phone call. I know her great aunt is very upset by this but would never say anything. Apart from this, the great niece seems pleasant enough/hard working etc.
  
  I'm torn between thinking that you can be very thoughtless at that age & her great aunt may have upset her in some way that I don't know about...or is maybe very nosey in some way....eg asking about boyfriends etc......& being rather angry about her behaviour. It may be that she doesn't realise how much she's upsetting her....but I think at 20 she should be somewhat more aware, even if she doesn't realise how much hurt she's causing.
  
  
  The great niece still lives with her parents...if I were her mother, I'd probably say something like "Oh, just pop in to see your great aunt once in a way for a cup of tea....it would mean the world to her"....but I doubt that's happened (it may have, of course, but the great niece doesn't seem like a totally unreasonable ?????)

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Wednesday, 1st September 2010

  Hmm, I had a great collection of great aunts, some of whom were are still alive. They were and are amazing women, but some were easier to talk to than others - some were rather intimidating. I didn't get to see them often because of geography (they were all over 2 hours away from us,) but when we did see them - a couple I found very intimidating, and it wasn't really till I was in my mid-late 20s, that I got over myself. I don't know that I'd have quite dared to pop in if I'd lived nearer. I don't know - had we lived closer, I'd have seen more of them anyway, and I probably wouldn't have found them so scary (not all were.)
  
  Anyway, I don't know I'd have been so different than the great niece in question, particularly at 20.

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Wednesday, 1st September 2010

  I would have been the same as the great niece. Perhaps an invitation from great aunt would prompt more visits?.
  
  I had several aunts and a great aunt [who was very intimidating]. Two were approachable and much loved. The others were interesting in various ways but were not people you could drop in to see without a formal invitation. One was a pharmacist and a theosophist; she would disappear to India for weeks at a time and return bearing beautiful gifts. Another was a retired hospital matron with a bark which was far worse than her bite.

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Thursday, 2nd September 2010

  I know exactly what you two mean (can remember what I was like at that age)
  
  I don't think this woman is intimidating in the sense that you're talking about but she does have a tendency to be very "curious" (to put it politely) I could imagine that she would say things like "Did you go out on Saturday ? Who did you go with? Where do they live?" etc etc....& you feel backed into a corner....not wanting to answer & not knowing how to get out of it. I don't know if she just doesn't realise that people need a bit more "private space"
  
  She won't invite her, I think, because she'd be afraid of being hurt by a refusal & wouldn't want her great niece to feel she was expected to turn up.
  
  
  A curious kind of stand off

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Miladou bloody but unbowed (U3518248) on Thursday, 2nd September 2010

  Oh, Tilly, the young can be so cruel. But it's not deliberate. When I was young, I was frightened of "old" people. I wasn't used to them (all my grandparents had died before I was 2).
  
  Now my aged mum lives in a care home and I visit her regularly. But my daughter never thinks to call to see her. I could nag, but it wouldn't do any good.

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by tillytrolly (U8311312) on Friday, 3rd September 2010

  Yes, miladou.....sympathy (if that's the right word) for both sides.....you've summed up the situation perfectly. The old woman won't change her curious attitude.....mainly because, I think, she comes from a time & background when people talked a lot more/had less privacy...& wouldn't see the problem.... & her great niece is too young to know how to take it with a pinch of salt & deflect the questions....or to realise that she's going to regret it in a few years.
  
  To be fair, it can still drive me up the wall/I can feel trapped.....& at 20 (hopefully) you'd have a lot more you'd want to keep to yourself !

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