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Autistic child neighbour - how to handle

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  I have a little problem.
  
  The man upstairs has a son, maybe seven or eight, who's autistic. I don't know how severe his autism is, but he attends a special school for autistic children. Usually, there are only two problems with this child as a neighbour - firstly, he gets upset when made to have a shower, so his showers are accompanied by thudding and water dripping through my ceiling. Secondly, he rings my doorbell when he goes past. I've put up with both, the former because it seems reasonable for his father to want to keep him clean and the second because I like the idea that he feels that it's safe to ring my doorbell, which I hope means that he'd feel safe to come and ring it if anything was amiss.
  
  However, the last three times I've seen him, he's grabbed at my glasses. I've said no and gently grabbed his wrists before he could take my glasses off, telling him "no, you mustn't do that, it's naughty". His father apologises to me and tells him to say sorry.
  
  I can appreciate that he may get fixated on something, in this case my glasses, but I don't know how far I can expect a severely autistic child to understand the concept of naughty and whether other words would be more appropriate.
  
  Any hints on how to handle this would be appreciated.

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by posh_scouse_pinnedwithpride (U2514024) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  Yes, I spent 5 years as a residential social worker for autistic children and adults.
  
  He has a fixation and that is so important to him and he wants to keep it, but, that can be transferred, but it takes time. I worked with one small boy who HAD to tread on every matchstick he saw [made life rather difficult in the 80s] we transferred his fixation to lolly sticks, then chip forks and finally toothpicks.
  
  They were all of wood, all discarded, his anxiety was satisfied and so was I as I didn't trip over him so often. Have a word with his Dad and see how you can work on tranference.

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by jane c (U2234970) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  bookmarking, sunny. Can't help, sorry, but have a vaguely similar situation here, so will be interested to see what folks have to say.
  
  jx

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  Thanks, Posh. I wonder what we could get it transferred to?
  
  

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  Sat, 16 Oct 2010 18:59 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 1
  
  he gets upset when made to have a shower, so his showers are accompanied by thudding and water dripping through my ceiling.  
  
  Whilst being aware of the delicate balance of good relationships you're striving for, this is possibly a point to alert your landlord to; the family upstairs are causing damage to your and your landlords property.
  You might say something to your upstairs neighbour out of courtesy, but if you carry on ignoring this situation, you could be possibly be held partly responsible for any damage through negligence. (like, if the ceiling came down, damaging your flat, you might have problems getting compensation for damage to your property.)

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• Message 6

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  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  The landlord knows about the water. It comes down from their bathroom to mine and isn't massive floods. It's just where the lad kicks a lot and pushes the curtain outside the shower so the water can get out. I did get a bit miffed the first time it dripped on my loopaper, but then I just moved the loopaper somewhere else.
  
  If the ceiling falls in, the worst it'll do to my stuff is to ruin my toothbrush and toiletries, and I'll risk the cost of that.
  
  As to what the landlord's risking, I don't think he gives a toss. He doesn't do anything about leaking guttering, dry rot, rising damp, carpets that don't fit etc. In some ways it suits me, because if the place is a bit tatty, he's not going to get upset about cat vomit stains on the carpet.
  
  

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 6.

  Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  Sat, 16 Oct 2010 19:37 GMT, in reply to Sunny Clouds in message 6
  
  As long as you and your property aren't at risk.
  Sorry, haven't any bright ideas about the rest, except does the father know how you feel?

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Lady Trudie Tilney Glorfindel Maldini (U2222312) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  Hi sunny, I have a young relative who has had similar spells of repetitive stereotypical behaviour. As Posh says (and indeed in my experience) they wear out after a bit and another takes over.
  
  Rather than 'naughty', can you and the dad concoct a brief explanation of *why* he shouldn't reach for your glasses that can be used as soon as he sees you? EG 'now we mustn't grab the glasses, because they might break and broken glass is sharp'.

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  In reply to poshScouse in message 2
  
  That is an /excellent/ post, and very good advice, posh. I can't really add to it, except for maybe looking for ways to break these particular obsessions (or routines): For example, put some kind of (temporary) cover on the bell, so that people can ring but /he/ won't find it so easy to do so - and remove glasses when he goes past? It isn't about being naughty, and I doubt he would have an idea of the the term. Just a 'no' would be enough. Also, talk to the father. I bet he would welcome talking about his son and coming to agreements on how to handle such problems.

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Saturday, 16th October 2010

  I'll have a word with his dad and agree what I'm going to say each time he does it and if we can transfer the fixation onto something else.
  
  Thanks everyone.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by posh_scouse_pinnedwithpride (U2514024) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  How did you get on Sunny? I have just recalled another client of mine who would shout, REALLY shout 'hairdryer' and scare the bejabers out of you. His parents allowed him to do this only in the cellar [he went down there to do this, he didn't live there...] but we had no cellar.
  
  One afternoon I just whispered to him, 'say sewing machine, it's much quieter'... he thought this was hilarious. and from that day he whispered 'say sewing machine, it's much quieter'everytime he got frustrated.

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• Message 12

  , in reply to message 11.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  I haven't bumped into my neighbour on his own since it happened. I don't want to talk to him about it with his son there. There's no point in knocking on his door, because past experience tells me that he won't answer it. However, I will follow the advice on here when I catch him.
  
  When I was a child, my parents told me that if I wanted to swear, I should say "agony bathbun". I took them seriously at the time.

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• Message 13

  , in reply to message 12.

  Posted by posh_scouse_pinnedwithpride (U2514024) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  "agony bathbun" OOO, I like that...

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• Message 14

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  Posted by Shallow Grave (U14307585) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  Hi Sunny, I work with autistic children and have one lad who grabs my hair if I am not fast enough.
  
  The idea of transference is a good one, perhaps he wants a pair of glasses of his own?
  
  It is a good idea to speak with his dad, at the very least you can find out if the best word is "no". Some children respond better to STOP or DON'T, or a visual signal - a hand sign or a picture card. Some children use picutres or symbols and these could be made into a lttle "story" for him. Beware, you might be asked to have a picture taken for this.
  
  Sometimes distraction can be the easiest way forward, having something to draw his attention from your spectacles. I carry all sorts of things - noisy, colourful, tactile... what ever works for him.
  
  Oh, perhaps you could persuade his dad to put some towels down for shower spillage?
  
  Best of luck!

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• Message 15

  , in reply to message 14.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  Thanks for the suggestions, Shallow Grave.
  
  Carrying stuff is a bit tricky, because he rings my doorbell and it's not until I open the door that I realise it's him not, say, the postman, the meter reader or the landlord. I wonder if I could distract him with the torch on my keyring? I always take my keys with me when I answer the door.
  
  The tip about different words is a useful one. When I get a word with my neighbour, I'll ask him what word or phrase he usually uses.
  
  It could be a while before I catch my neighbour on his own, but when I do, I'll let you all know how I've got on.

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• Message 16

  , in reply to message 15.

  Posted by Shallow Grave (U14307585) on Tuesday, 19th October 2010

  Sorry Sunny, I have a spy hole - I just kind of assume that everyone does (slaps hand).

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• Message 17

  , in reply to message 16.

  Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  I knew someone whose autistic 2 year old was obssessed with her Dyson vacuum cleaner. When Minsprog got fixated on things we used to bombard him with them in any shape or form! Not because we had any kind of plan about it, it was more like, "Oh he's into castles now so how many things about castles can we do".
  
  Now, not really a good idea to let a 2 year old loose on a Dyson, but I did suggest getting the Argos catalogue and getting as many pictures of Dysons out of it and laminating them. If it had been us we would probably have got a broken one, pulled all the bits off it, cleaned them, made it safe and let Minsprog loose on it.
  
  Pictures of glasses, glasses he can have?
  Same as other posters suggestions really!
  

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• Message 18

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  Posted by sesley (U4024157) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  7 chronological years,it sounds like he understands and uses some language. Shave a third off his years,thats his social age.Maybe he can understand pictures so see if you can draw a social story about not touching your glasses and door bell or anything else you find annoying Keep your language short and simple so that he can understand and give time for him to process what you said. People with autism like rules and routines so get him to understand your rules,get his dad involved too,parents with autism childen appreciate constructive positive help always.Parents are learning about their childs autism too and its likely the parents are stressed and uptight about the reaction of people around them to their challenging child.

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• Message 19

  , in reply to message 18.

  Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  In reply to sesley in message 18
  
  And there is also a 'carrot technique' which would need to be arranged with the dad: For example, everytime he goes past your door without ringing the bell, he gets a smiley, then after x times doing so, he gets a treat (such as a sweet, or some other reinforcement).

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• Message 20

  , in reply to message 19.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  I bumped into my neighbour today. I asked him whether his son grabs at everyone's glasses and he said yes. I asked him if there are any particular words or phrases that work best for stopping him, and my neighbour just said "any words you like, really".
  
  I wonder if a big picture of glasses on my door with a cross through it might work. Or maybe I could get him some cheap sunglasses or 3d glasses.

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• Message 21

  , in reply to message 20.

  Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  I don't know if this helps, but my son would never do anything, or stop doing anything, just because a big person told him to. He didn't recognise the convention that children do what adults tell them to, and no amount of treating him like a non-autistic child was going to have any effect at all. The words are irrelevant because the social cues don't mean anything.
  
  Think sideways and upside down, I'd bombard the poor thing with glasses and glasses related things! Minsprog always moved on to something else after a while, but that's not a given with all autistic persons.

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• Message 22

  , in reply to message 21.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Wednesday, 20th October 2010

  Glasses it is, then.

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