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Misplaced guilty feelings

• Message 1.聽

  Posted by FleetingEileenM (U14106338) on Saturday, 30th October 2010

  A lightly-built elderly friend was about to give a heavily-built man in his eighties a lift. On the garden path the old man (with zimmer frame) fell, breaking his hip.
  
  My friend is consumed with guilt although there is nothing he could have done. If he had been holding the old man's arm, they could both have gone down, possibly causing injury to him or worse injury to the old man.
  
  To compound the problem, my friend feels that he is being 鈥減unished鈥� for past misdemeanors as one or two other unlucky things have happened in his life recently.
  
  Is there anything I can say which will help or will the passage of time take care of it?

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Saturday, 30th October 2010

  Sat, 30 Oct 2010 11:09 GMT, in reply to FleetingEileenM in message 1
  
  I think all that you can do is to say what you've said in this post, the kind, rational point of view, and hope that it seeps in to your friends mind.
  
  As for the "being punished", if there was any truth in that (which there isn't) why was your friends friend the one who was injured?
  
  Also, your friend was being thoughtful, and offering the gentleman a lift, which I'm sure if what the poor chap with the broken hip will remember.

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• Message 3

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  Posted by Retired-Rural-Person (U8479978) on Saturday, 30th October 2010

  Sat, 30 Oct 2010 11:46 GMT, in reply to FleetingEileenM in message 1
  
  First thing is this fall could have happened when no one was around, so at least your friend was able to summon assistance.
  Second thing is that degree of feeling bad about it would flag up the possibility of depression which is a big issue for elderly chaps. Can you let any caregivers for your slight friend know of your concerns? They might not be able to report back to you because of confidentiality, but you ought to be able to voice your worries to them.

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• Message 4

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  Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Saturday, 30th October 2010

  Seconding what RRP says. Eileen, I wonder if your friend is trying to do things he can no longer do as well as he once did. Perhaps he could have a friend to ride shotgun if he likes the driving but is nervous of anything happening to the person being given the lift. [I am assuming he takes people for appointments?]

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• Message 5

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  Posted by FleetingEileenM (U14106338) on Monday, 1st November 2010

  Thank you for your thoughts on this. There are good signs that my friend is now dealing with the situation well. The old man who fell had refused any physical help with his walk down the path and is somewhat of an awkward old codger.
  
  It's always a shock when you are with someone who has a fall and my friend is a sensitive chap. NB This was an occasional lift and he doesn't take people for appointments as a regular thing.
  
  Thanks again.

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• Message 6

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  Posted by douglas the rabbit (U13762692) on Monday, 1st November 2010

  Thirding what RRP and Silverjenny aid. Nearly a year ago my aunt, 90 and in a care home, asked another resident to pass her a book. The other lady used a zimmer but was otherwise reasonably steady on her feet. Somehow in the process of reaching for the book the lady fell, sustaining two fractures leading to a long spell in hospital during which she acquired C. Diff. She was in hospital for months
  
  Poor aunt has never got over this, despite reassurances from everyone that it was a pure accident. For years now she has suffered from clinical levels of anxiety, and her feelings of guilt are a reflection of this.
  
  Only you know just how disproportionate are this unfortunate, kind, gentleman's reactions to the fall suffered by his friend, but I'm ready to bet that if he continues to beat himself up about it it's indicative of an underlying problem in his own life.
  
  I do hope that they BOTH get over it very soon.
  
  

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