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Otherwise - am I over reacting
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Some background - OH and I have been together for 6'ish years. We have both been married before. We hit a rough patch at the end of last year as he and his (now) ex-wife were still wrangling over divorce. For reasons of finance rather than our difficulties, I didn't go with him to the US to see his Mother for Christmas. However, last week he received this mail from an 'old friend' he had been to see when he was there:
hi I sent you an email to your personal address i tried your work address but didn't go thru heres what i wrote- Hi i miss you, jan was a long month, i'm glad your cancer scan was clear & hope all is well- i would like to know if we're going to see each other again, i really hope so but i know it's a little complicated. Please let me know what your thoughts are- mine haven't changed- I see you're going to be traveling & busy with work- Hope to hear from you soon, whatever your decision is- I had a wonderful time when you were hear Love Jill
I am very upset - but coldly so - I'm shaking rather than crying. I talked to him about it last night - he's abroad on business so it was a phone call, and he says it's in her imagination. He did go to see her, but 'nothing' happened. I'm still shaking this morning, but have to decide what to do.
Would ending the relationship be over reacting? -
Message 2
Posted by Finally (U2221028) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Hi Impish, Your message touched me, I'm sorry that you are upset. It's a bit close to home for me.
What are you reacting to, the recent troubles in your relationship or an email to your OH? The email may or may not be related, I suppose I'm wondering whether you believe his answer that it means nothing? How badly has the trust between you already broken down, and can you (do you want to ) rebuild it?
How you came across one of his personal emails may be relevant. Or may not. These things are always so compliacted.
Hope your can get clear in you own rmind ho wyou feel about it and how you want it to develop. F xx -
Message 3
Posted by Small boy in third row (U2247664) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Impish, I wouldn't do anything hasty like ending a marriage on the basis of this e-mail. Your husband may be telling the truth.
Would this Jill have known that you were likely to see her e-mail? Was it a joint e-mail address, for example? If she did, it could be a sign of innocence - or that she deliberately wanted you to see it, for whatever reason.
This is probably a stupid idea, but have you thought of e-mailing her back yourself? -
Message 4
Posted by Isabel Archer (U13716168) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Impish, what a nasty email to read.
It occurs to me that hurting you may be precisely what she's aiming at. After all, why else send it to a personal email account which she knows you might see? A trick as old as the internet itself.
As other have said, how you react depends upon how much, deep down, you believe your o/h's assurances. I think you need to wait until he is back and then see how willing he is to talk about how he got embroiled in this. It can't really be done by phone as you need to see his body language and eye contact etc.. -
Message 5
Posted by sweetFeet (U14377598) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Impish, don't do anything at the moment.
You need time to clear your head and reach a calm place.
This could be something or nothing, but you do need to sit down and talk about this face to face. -
Message 6
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Impish, agree with the view that you wait until you are face to face with OH. And don't make a great issue of it. If his ex is making waves, he has probably got enough stress and needs you to be calm and loving. He has chosen to be with you after all. Question is: do you still want to be with him.
Sounds as if the email woman is setting her cap at him without encouragement.. OH hasn't made any plans to meet her again by the sound of the message, or given her a private number to reach him. Probably turn out to be an aquaintance he had a friendly drink with. -
Message 7
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Thank you for your replies. I have 'open' access to his facebook account as we don't want to link our accounts by being 'friends' because of issues with his children passing things on to his (now ex) wife about me. It's easier for him not to have me as a facebook friend than his children.
I know who the lady in question is - she's his high school sweetheart as they say in the states, so they have history - albeit a long time ago.
I think what hurts/shocks me most is that he saw her without telling me and then left this mail in his inbox knowing that I could see it - I guess what I don't know is if it's his way of telling me the news or if it's a sign of innocence.
I have tried to be very restrained in my response so far - we talked briefly last night after I found the message and, even though I was sorely tempted I didn't post it on his status or any such other action I was tempted by. I did reply to her (indicating it was from me) - but it was bland and brief, just letting her know I had read what she sent. And now I'm waiting for him to get back. It's a late return so he'll go to his house and I will see him tomorrow in the office - and we'll have to take it from there.
Thanks again. Impish -
Message 8
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
Well, think I just over reacted - he called and I lost it and have now copied the mail from his friend to his mother - hey ho - can't take it back now (but I probably shouldn't have opened a bottle of wine this evening).
-
Message 9
Posted by Pahnda (U14681704) on Tuesday, 8th February 2011
I guess that eventually you will have to decide whether you can trust what he tells you or not. Easier said than done.
All the best
P -
Message 10
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
It sounds as if your husband has quite a bit on his plate.
He's had a cancer scare - even if he's been given the all clear - it must have been a worrying time.
And it sounds as though there still some difficulties relating to his divorce. It's not clear from what you've said whether he sees his children regularly or whether you are involved when they have contact. But, reading between the lines, it sounds as though the children- and perhaps their mother? - have some difficulty in accepting his new relationship with you.
You also say that the two of you have had 'a bad patch - perhaps because of these stresses.
Perhaps it's not surprising that a trip to the States and a visit to an old friend seemed like an 'escape' for your husband - even if he wasn't in anyway unfaithful during that time.
My personal experience of marrying a man who was already a father, has meant that I've had to 'take on' a lot of his past. It won't go away. It's part of him. (It can't be 'just the two of us.') And while that's not always been easy, it's only by acknowledging this, that our relationship has survived. -
Message 11
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Hi Impish,
It sounds as if you are both having a bad time at the moment. I was a second wife too and like Friend of Moose there was a lot of previous history I had to deal with. Without being sexist I think it's worth considering that men just don't always look at things in the same way as 'wimmin'. He might not have told you because a) it wasn't such a big thing to him, just looking up an old friend and possibly wanting to revisit being younger without the baggage he has accumulated since their time together and b) he didn't tell you because although it was innocent he knew you might get upset and therefore he took the easy option of not mentioning it.
Having a son of our own and 3 stepsons I have realised that to men 'not mentioning' something is not usually considered as being dishonest, either they just don't think it warrants a discussion or they just want to avoid 'fuss'. This applies to good stuff as well as bad news, what is important to you might not really register with him at all! it doesn't always mean he doesn't care about what you think just that your perspective is bound to be different.
It might well be that this old flame is just mischief making, maybe she regrets letting him go but if he was wanting to keep it secret surely he would have told her not to contact him via FB knowing that you would be able to see any messages from her?
Hope you manage to sort it out.
SLD -
Message 12
Posted by notjenniferaldrich (U8555450) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Been there, got the t-shirt. In my case, I lost out. Biggest heartbreak I ever had, still hurting decades later, because it was the start of a decision process, and the choice went the other way.
Too late to do anything now that you've fired the warning shots, but I would have advised you to keep your powder dry. -
Message 13
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Impish.
I have been thinking about you today.
I have no useful advice to offer.
Dunlurkin -
Message 14
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Thank you for all your thoughts. We have now 'spoken' face to face - but it was at the office, so it wasn't a good environment to have the conversation we need to have. I have established that the meeting was a champagne dinner - a bit more than a quick drink (and also something he's not done with me for a very long time). We haven't come to any conclusions and I still can't be upset - guess that will happen when the shock and anger work themselves out.
I am away next week with younger imp and OH is committed to looking after elder imp, which he will still do. Perhaps the break (and change of scene for me) will be a good thing. -
Message 15
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
All I can say really Impish is that David and Ruth survived David's lunches with Sophy.....
My discovery was of the old fashioned (33 years ago) non- techy kind.... a letter from another woman in my second ex OH's trouser pocket when I was trying to find dinner money for the children....
I felt as if I had been shot in the head.......
The first I knew about my first husband's affair was when his girlfriend rang me!! Always the last to know. However, you cannot allow anyone's else's experience influence you. We are all different. -
Message 16
Posted by Cheshire Cat (U14533219) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Hello Impish - hope you're okay.
Attracted by your posting and having read the thread I can agree with Imasecret's comment on that sometimes menfolk are not aware of the hurt they cause when meet with another woman.
They are not aware because it probably doesn't mean anything to them -
champagne, so what, it's a drink - other drinks were available
old friend, yes, just that
she's making a play for him - he's not bothered, after all it is you that he is with
All of those aspects mean something us; we (us/we = wimmin) create a meaning out of these and sometimes they /do/mean a whole lot and we (wimmin) know that. However a man may not create a meaning out of it and will wonder what all the fuss is about. -
Message 17
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Wednesday, 9th February 2011
Funnily enough chesh in our house it is the other way round.
There is a chance that my husband is seeing his ex this weekend for the first time in 27 years and Im not the slightest bit bothered and think it is a good thing but he hates me seeing my ex's. We are all very different.
I would say that whatever the basis for the meeting impish that it is you he is with. I hope that things work out as you want. -
Message 18
Posted by Cheshire Cat (U14533219) on Thursday, 10th February 2011
Ah, Whitby, that's because you are feeling secure.
I occasionally bump into my OH1 when I'm at my DD's and always tell OH2 if that is the case.
If OH2 were to meet with his ex though my atenna would be quivering in the extreme because he has had no contact since they parted. -
Message 19
Posted by Campbell in Farewell Clogs (U14226916) on Wednesday, 23rd February 2011
Impish, I'd picked up vaguely elsethread that you were having problems but hadn't read this yet. (I'm avoiding tax stuff today and scrolling back reading older threads, so shoot me!)
I hope you and the younger(elder?) Imp are having a good break together this week and maybe the space and change of environment will give you room to think things over. From what I've picked up I understand that you and your partner have a pretty solid commitment to each other to have kept an often transatlantic relationship going for so long through some extremely stressful times. I'm pretty sure you don't really want to ditch all that because of one meeting with an ex. Ach, what do I know anyway? I really just want to wish you strength in sorting out your feelings about it all. -
Message 20
Posted by Imperfectly37 (U4335981) on Wednesday, 23rd February 2011
Well, Campbell's post prompted me to add an update and thank later posters for their thoughts.
I had a great week away with younger Imp and it appears that OH and elder Imp had an okay week too - my house suffered though!
There was a very brief weekend 'handover' and elder Imp is now away with school, younger Imp is away with rellies and OH has gone to US with work.
We reached a 'detente' before he left - he's adamant it meant nothing, she is looking for something he wasn't offering. I'm still feeling wounded and vulnerable - being by myself is also meaning I have time to brood and let my mind go places it probably shouldn't. It's become a bit like a scab that you pick even though you know you shouldn't.
In the end, I'm just going to have to decide if I trust him and believe his version of events/intentions and that's going to take time. -
Message 21
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 23rd February 2011
A couple of years ago,I found a photo of my OH on our digital camera.
He had his arm around his ex- wife in a restaurant. It was when he was still working in his previous company after we relocated. We had already moved house but he had 3 more weeks to work before he could move.
He stayed in a hotel during the week and was home for weekends.
My OH's explanation was that his son and ex- wife who lived locally had come to the hotel and hs son had taken the photograph.
My Oh and his ex had split over 10 years before. Although my OH is a wonderful husband I still have unease about that photo. I have never resolved it in my mind. He and his ex-wife had barely any contact for the period before the photo as far as I know. I don't know when he fitted her in if he did! Because of this, I was surprised that she would come for a meal with him even with their son. And they looked so intimate in that photo. Why would he put an arm around an ex wife he had been apart from for so long and had so little contact with? It seems strange that their son would take such a photo.....
Oh has not had a chance of any contact with his ex since that night,.
and why he looked so close to her will never be resolved but it will haunt me....They looked like a couple.... -
Message 22
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Wednesday, 23rd February 2011
On one level I believe my husband, although I also trusted the other two.
I could not ask his son about the veracity of OH's explanation as I felt that was unfair to the son.
The problem is that something like this sows and leaves a seed of doubt that does not die even if it does not grow. It spoils something.... -
Message 23
Posted by MV Whitby May Rose (U6862284) on Wednesday, 23rd February 2011
Maybe they werent looking like a couple Locki, maybe they were looking like parents.
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Message 24
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Thursday, 24th February 2011
That's just what I thought, WR. and the son might have taken the photo because it was important to him to have a mother and father who didn't hate each other, and putting an arm around her was a shorthand to show that in a photo?
-
Message 25
Posted by borneomom (U4770405) on Thursday, 24th February 2011
My husband and I split up years ago and rarely had contact with each other.
At our daughter's wedding we happened to be sitting alone together (if you know what I mean) on the beach (it was Borneo) when our son came up with another wedding attendee, a young boy he had known for some time. "These are my parents" he said, and I was struck at how important it was for him to introduce us as a unit, and how very rarely that had happened in his life.
So maybe it was something like that. -
Message 26
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Thursday, 24th February 2011
Yes, you may be right. However, the intimacy in the photo was so untypical of their behaviour during the preceding 10 years. Well, as far as I know!
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