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Dealing with a "strange feeling".

• Message 1. 

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  At work there's a man who's recently returned after a long absence with a physical condition. I hadn't met him before and I can only describe him as being "too nice". He shook my hand for slightly too long, and engaged me in a long conversation about where we could have met before. He offers to carry books for you, and when I was encouraging a lad to hold a door open for me he rushed up and he he could do that. You catch him "looking" at you sometimes. I felt so odd about that, earlier on, that I had to move out of his line of sight. I'm sure it's not just me he's like it with, but I find it hard to deal with -I feel a bit freaked out by it, to be honest, not a feeling I've ever had before, I'm pretty old and tough really. Don't want to gossip with colleagues about it, but did ask one of the other teachers what this guy's job was, to see if she made any comments about him and she just said, after explaining his role, "he's really nice." I'd welcome thoughts and advice now, so that I don't become paranoid about it.

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by conductor (U2040502) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  Hi Josey
  
  He sounds like what I would call a Personal Space Invader - but he may be something more difficult to deal with - i.e. someone who treats all women in an inappropriate manner, often not realising how offensive his behaviour is.
  
  I used to know a guy like this at our local cricket club. I didn't know him all that well but I would meet him out walking the dog and he'd come right up to me and put his hand on my arm while exchanging the usual pleasantries. A few years later when I filled in for a few cricket teas, if he was in the pavilion you'd just have to sort of dance round him if you didn't want him to come up and touch you. He would never touch you sexually - no bum-pinching or tit-fondling - but you'd always feel he was coming towards you to lay a hand on you in some way.
  
  I'm afraid I've got no particular cure-all for this - everybody seemed to know he was like that but nobody ever seemed to confront him. I just used to fend him off - e.g. with a plate of sandwiches or by moving a chair when encountering him and requesting his to stand back out of the way.
  
  I wonder whether a quiet but assertive comment or two, such as 'you're standing rather close to me - please give me a little more room', or 'are you looking at me for some reason?' might be worth trying. Blokes like that thrive on people putting up with them.
  
  Good luck.
  
  --<-@

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  Hi Compassrose. Good point about personal space. I don't mind people I know well getting close, and I'm quite happy to hug the kids if they need it (and they often do) but I like to feel I've invited it, somehow. Your description of the cricket club guy sounds exactly what I mean. It's certainly not sexual. fending off seems a good strategy, at least to begin with.

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by dean volecape (U1477030) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  It's impossible to advise Josey - it sounds as though he might be Aspie and bad at body language and just gets things wrong.
  
  In that case simply articulating politely but firmly 'please stand a little further away as I'm feeling crowded' might be all that you need to say.
  
  But on the other hand he might be more problematic.
  
  Make out a personal H&S protocol list to avoid being alone with him until you know a bit more about him.

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• Message 5

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  Posted by the_shellgrottolady (U2395646) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  Hi josie
  I'd trust your strange feeling...there's something not right with this chap and your instincts are giving you some good advice for whatever reason...
  i guess you don't usually feel like this about people..
  Shell
  

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 5.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Friday, 11th March 2011

  Thanks Dean and sgl. You're right, sgl, I don't usually feel like this about people, in fact , probably never!

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Dirigibles was here (U7278225) on Saturday, 12th March 2011

  Trust your instincts, Josey, they have developed for a reason.
  Don't feel guilty.
  Sorry that you are having this complication.

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 7.

  Posted by Prinkma (U14661090) on Thursday, 14th July 2011

  Can't help wondering if Josey ever got anywhere in her attempts to keep him at a distance!

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Josey (U1242413) on Thursday, 14th July 2011

  How very odd that you've brought this up, Prinkma, I was thinking about the situation just now. I've got to know this chap a bit better now, and I found out that he was really rather shy and didn't really know how to "be" with people. I decided that I couldn't be standoffish as that's not really me, so carried on in my normal daft way and have found him much easier to work with, in fact in the last few weeks he seems to have blossomed a bit, not so needy looking and strange. I'm pleased with the way it's turned out and thank you for asking.

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by Prinkma (U14661090) on Friday, 15th July 2011

  That's lovely! So glad it worked itself out for BOTH your sakes.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by starlilolill (U11601004) on Friday, 15th July 2011

  I think what we all have to remember is that there are some really genuine, kind and generous people out there.

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