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• Message 1. 

  Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Saturday, 9th April 2011

  What does the collective wisdom of Mustardlanders think about a seven year old girl sharing a bedroom with an unrelated elderly woman?
  
  Later on perhaps, a slightly older boy sharing with the woman??????

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• Message 2

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Saturday, 9th April 2011

  Well, it's a bit hard to make judgement really given that there is so little info in your OP (I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that this isn't some salacious wind-up).
  
  I do know that a couple of years ago I had my 8 year old niece and her best friend staying with me for a holiday. My niece lives 250 miles away so i had never met her friend before.
  
  Sometime during the holiday the friend awoke in the night having had a nightmare. I attempted to settle her, she wanted her mummy. I asked if she would feel better sleeping in my bed and she said yes. My niece came too.
  
  I don't think it entered my head not to do this,and only casually mentioned it to the girl's mother the next day when she rang for a chat with her daughter. If I had stopped to think about how it may have been perceived? Supposing my niece hadn't woken up too? I think i would still have offered this 'unrelated child' the comfort of sleeping where she felt safe.
  
  What do you think, re your OP?

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• Message 3

  , in reply to message 2.

  Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Saturday, 9th April 2011

  I know Librarian and it isn't a wind up. There are several people on ML who have helped her, in the past, with her Dar Dau's family problem.
  I've heard the bare bones of the story in RL and suggested asking for ML's opinion as you've all been so helpful when she (Dar Dau) had her marital breakdown and subsequent divorce.
  
  
  
  ( Dar Dau is her daughter and she was being confused with Drystane Dyke at the time )
  
  

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• Message 4

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Saturday, 9th April 2011

  If catwomyn reads this..
  
  Lib has emailed " you know who ". re this, with more detail.
  
  Lib would still appreciate your thoughts as to whether you think it appropriate.

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• Message 5

  , in reply to message 3.

  Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Saturday, 9th April 2011

  Thanks honeysuckle,
  
  I was pretty sure I had seen her post before (but i have been away on and off so much that i wasn't absolutely sure) but just wasn't sure that such a serious concern had been phrased in a manner of concern.
  
  Hope Librian finds someone with a proper perspective on this (ie, clearly more serious than my own post could help in any way)
  
  kris

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• Message 6

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  My immediate reaction was that it would not be ideal (but not that much in life is) but that it would depend on the alternative - I don't think it's possible to hazard a view on the information given and, no doubt, it's not sensible to give enough information here to make it possible.

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• Message 7

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  I think it depends on the circumstances. Yes, I know that's a bit vague, but I suppose what I'm really saying is that I wouldn't consider it necessarily appropriate or inappropriate.
  
  The woman shared with might be someone who was in a position of responsibility or caring for the children in some way. She might be unrelated in blood terms but related in terms of informal relationships.
  
  I can think of situations where you're arranging people in a house or holiday home and everyone's sharing and you're trying to arrange things for the best. You might decide that a child would be better off with your elderly friend or an elderly relative of a friend than with, say, other youngsters who are much older than the child, but not beyond youth. So, for example, you might decide a child of 8 is better off with a woman of 75 than with a youth of 18.
  
  On the other hand, if you're putting children in a room with anyone, I think that you should be as sure as you can be that that older person is responsible and trustworthy.
  
  

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• Message 8

  , in reply to message 6.

  Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  Ummm. trying not to make an already tense situation worse..
  new step mum can't cope with children's squabbles,
  two boys one girl , 10 and under ,share bedroom at father's house during 2 night weekend visiting.
  
  girl sent to other woman's mother's house in nearby village, had to sleep in her room with her but kept awake.
  He always has a plausible excuse but has such a
  reputation, divorce judge not impressed with him.
  Boys sent out for three hours while ex s-i-l and new wife had yet
  another blazing row.
  nothing new there he was like that with Dar Dau.
  
  Eldest rings his mum to get them as they can't go back in . They went
  to a nearby friend.
  
  Lots of back history means Dar Dau daren't go near on her own .
  
  she will be ringing her solicitor on Monday .

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• Message 9

  , in reply to message 1.

  Posted by Apple-Cart (U9035861) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  What does the collective wisdom of Mustardlanders think about a seven year old girl sharing a bedroom with an unrelated elderly woman?
  
  Later on perhaps, a slightly older boy sharing with the woman??????   I don't know anything of the background but clearly there is some history here.
  
  A lot depends on whether its an occasional arrangement or a regular thing.
  
  Do you think the 7 year old is happy about it? 7 is young but old enough to know whether they feel comfortable about the people around them. I

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• Message 10

  , in reply to message 9.

  Posted by overandout (U10539354) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  What does the collective wisdom of Mustardlanders think about a seven year old girl sharing a bedroom with an unrelated elderly woman?
  
  Later on perhaps, a slightly older boy sharing with the woman??????   I don't know anything of the background but clearly there is some history here.
  
  A lot depends on whether its an occasional arrangement or a regular thing.
  
  Do you think the 7 year old is happy about it? 7 is young but old enough to know whether they feel comfortable about the people around them. I  not happy.

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• Message 11

  , in reply to message 10.

  Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  I don't think you can separate your initial query from the whole wider situation - it sounded as though you were asking for assistance in deciding whether or not to go ahead with the bedroom arrangement as a possibility - whereas in fact it is clearly something which will be in the hands of others to determine the outcome. I'm sorry - it's obviously a very difficult situation for all concerned, particularly the children. Probably not wise to post in great detail about it here, though.

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• Message 12

  , in reply to message 8.

  Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  It seems to me that it ought to be either the father or the step-mother who goes to stay in another house for the weekend.
  
  I don't actually have a problem with a child sharing a room with an unrelated woman, if you know the woman, trust her and if there's no choice (on family holidays, we've had all sorts of mixed rooms, just to fit everyone in.) I would try to avoid sleeping adults and children in the same room because at least one of them is likely to get disturbed, as they won't be going to bed at the same time.
  
  But in these particular circumstances - it sounds like the children are being chucked out when the adults are unable to resolve their differences. They're being punished for something which isn't their fault. Children that age do squabble, especially if they're not comfortable with the situation and the parents/step-parents need to be able to cope with that without locking young children out of the house. It's good there is somewhere else they can go, in the circumstances, but I would say if the ex and new step mother can't handle the situation, they shouldn't be allowed to have the children stay over until they can.
  
  I hope the divorce judge can sort it out for the children's sake.

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• Message 13

  , in reply to message 11.

  Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  Oooh, Fee said what I was thinking. I'm not sure it's the fact that a child is sharing a room with an elderly woman that is really the issue here, more the whole chaotic set-up which seems designed to unsettle the children. On a practical level, if the child is having difficulty sleeping with the elderly person in the same room, perhaps she could sleep on a sofa/camp bed?
  
  Speaking personally, and with no in-depth knowledge of the situation, I would want to withdraw my children from the entire set-up until such time as peaceful adult behaviour had been established and the needs of the children given priority.

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• Message 14

  , in reply to message 13.

  Posted by Halliana (U2407863) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  Lib and I were discussing this again this morning with clearer thoughts.
  I realise the original question was somewhat vague. perhaps it's easier for me not being directly involved.
  
  I think we were wondering if there was some law about young children - older non related adults having to share a bedroom. This seems to be something in council house regulations sleeping arrangements but we don't know.
  
  Something blown out of all proportion, by ex., to an innocent remark in a private phone conversation with "Dar Dau" to her daughter. We think ex must have the phone on speaker so he can listen (???)
  The situation is certainly very tense and the children are being piggy in the middle.
  
  Lib's Dar Dau has no idea how long this 'arrangement ' was meant to be, the girl is not happy about it-- taken away from her brothers despite their fighting. They have their own rooms at home but put up with sharing at Dad's. None of them want to go to him. The eldest can choose but goes with them as 'protector' - not that he can do anything.
  
  Lib and I are totally frustrated by ex's attitude.. I've known then a long long time.

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• Message 15

  , in reply to message 14.

  Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 10th April 2011

  I think council housing departments apply rules for how many bedrooms a family needs: beyond a certain age it is deemed inappropriate for girls and boys to share a room, IIRC. But at the age of 8 I don't think they would apply.
  
  It sounds pretty awful. Acceptable, perhaps, as an emergency measure, but not as a regular arrangement.

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