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Resentment
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
What's it all about, how do you rid yourself of it and how do you deal with it in others?
There's an awful lot of it around me at the moment and it's really bringing me down. I have just returned from a 'free' holiday in Greece, organised by a well-meaning friend who thought it would be great fun to invite eight pals to share a villa at her expense. I shared a room with a woman who's had a very challenging life and who was overtly resentful of the material security she perceived the rest of us to have. It was a pleasant enough holiday but I was vaguely resentful about the enormous cost and gruelling journey involved and I was trapped with someone who was resentful of me, our host and most of the world. Aaaagh!
And to top it off, my partner, who told me to go and have a fabulous time and no, he wouldn't feel left-out in the least, has been in a foul and resentful mood ever since I returned. I came home to find the place in a dreadful state - no washing-up done all week, clothes and items everywhere, food rotting in the fridge... Talk about acting-out!
How do I rise above it? At the moment I am contemplating moving to a cottage in the middle of nowhere and having nothing to do with anyone ever again. -
Message 2
Posted by GuzziNut (U6364582) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
No idea, morganish, sorry to hear the hol was a trial, the roomie a pain and oh is now allergic to housework
My remedy for most things is to take a bike out for a good thrash, but that doesn't help you -
Message 3
Posted by couliari (U14919418) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Sorry you had such an awful time....the thought of sharing a room with someone other than OH, or at a pinch, the younger couliaris, is my idea of hell on earth.
As far as resentment goes, if you don't speak of it and allow it to fester, it will just get worse. Sit down with your OH, tell him how peed off you are with the state of the house etc., and then tell him what a crappy time you had on holiday. Maybe you'll decide you're even-stevens and go down to the pub! Then forget it, life is too short. -
Message 4
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I'm trying to remember a rather good description of resentment which I once encountered - something to do with it being the strings which attach you to the places in the past where you saw yourself as a victim and seeing yourself as a victim is no good for self-esteem - and that cutting the strings of resentment sets you free to move on to a happier future rather than keeping on rehashing the past.
I agree about telling your partner how his behaviour is making you feel - but that once you've said it once, move on from it. -
Message 5
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I wish I knew, Morganish. My resentments are completely different from yours and more long-term, but I do sympathise.
I think for this sort of short-term thing I'd simply tell the person in question how I am feeling, but long-term resentment and bitterness that builds up over years or even decades is a real stinker and I have no idea how to deal with it. -
Message 6
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Seconded.
Take it out on the kitchen. Tell OH the holiday wasn't the greatest success. Go down the pub and be glad he is there, not Moaning Minnie. Come back to a shining kitchen and only recall the bits of the holiday you did enjoy.
Room mate sounds to have been overtaken by resentment and it was rotten luck you had to share with her. -
Message 7
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Be assured, I raised the issue of housekeeping with OH as soon as I got in the door. I tried not to nag, but it felt as if the state the place was in was calculated to send me a message. I won't go into details, but he had shoved everything of mine that he could find, including my walking jacket that had been hung neatly on a peg in the porch, into the spare room. It has taken me a whole day to locate things and put them back where they have a right to be. He could make the effort to do that, but not to wash up! He denies any ill-feeling, but has rowed with me with the intention of winning, not clearing the air. We are currently keeping a distance from each other. In a couple of days time, if he follows his usual pattern, he will apologise. But a cold home-coming it has been.
I don't want to give the impression it was a rotten holiday, because it wasn't. It was just complicated and at times felt like very hard work. I am glad I went, glad to have had the chance to sunbathe and swim naked, glad of a couple of very upbeat nights out and the chance to see somewhere I had never seen before.
I find resentment a particularly horrible emotion because it feels poisonous and does lots of unseen damage. A bit like dry rot. I don't like feeling it and don't like myself when I do. All my rational 'well, things happen, it's a lovely place, just relax and make the best of it' thinking was tainted by the underlying nadge of resentment about the cost, about sharing, about how bloody inconvenient it was to get to ect, ect.
As for the woman I was sharing with, I think she has every right to feel resentful. A dreadful childhood that involved abuse and abandonment followed by a difficult early adulthood. She has done very well to get where she is today and be who she is today, and that was the message I tried to put out. But underneath it all, this corrosive resentment. Fee, I think your quote about it relating to victimhood is spot on. My roomie was definitely still stuck in victim mode (and how can she escape?) and I was feeling a victim of unfortunate circumstances. And I suppose OH, stuck at home on his lonesome, felt victimy too - and took it out on me. -
Message 8
Posted by Leaping Badger (U3587940) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
You sound quite resentful of these people and situations, Morganish.
'Ö' -
Message 9
Posted by rhubarbjelly (U14545051) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Hi Morganish. I think when we get into a certain frame of mind, everything around us reflects that theme, and we draw more of the same to ourselves.
The holiday resentments sound like fairly normal irritations borne of sharing space with folk we're not used to to that intensity. Sharing rooms-ugh-bound to be a problem. I had to share a room with someone when I was on a course who snored, farted, scratched and talked in her sleep. After the second night I was ready to commit murder.
But the holiday was temporary. What would bug me far more was the moving of your jacket etc. What that is about is far more important to spend your energy on. -
Message 10
Posted by Kate McLaren etc (U2202067) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I think that was part of Morganish's point, Leaps. She finds resentment unpleasant and depressing and is not pleased to see it in herself. As mentioned above, I sympathize.
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Message 11
Posted by Lilo (U12007400) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I'd forget about the other woman and her resentments. People like that carry their grievances with them, despite being on a nice holiday. Living in the past and not the present.
Your OH is acting like a resentful teenager and needs to get his priorities right. Is he actually wanting you to have had a horrible holiday, did he not want you to go in the first place? I wouldn't say I'd had a horrible time, and I certainly would have given him an earful for being so childish. If you love and care for someone, you're glad they're happy, and deserve a great holiday, even if you have to stay at home. So what? Moving all your stuff is unforgiveable and starting rows is as well. Let him stew and sit and remember the lovely times you did have, with an enigmatic smile on your face. -
Message 12
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Leaps, I am not resentful of my partner - I'm furious! Though actually, we have begun to make it up: he has mowed the lawn in preparation for friends visiting anytime now and has acknowledged my work in putting together a meal. I agree with whoever made the comment about my partner's actions being troubling. I feel very troubled by them and we'll have to have a good talk about it. Something feels wrong - very wrong.
I'm not actually resentful of the woman I shared with on holiday. Looking at the world through her eyes as much as I can, I can see that resentment is a valid response. She deserved a much better start in life, and that bad start means that her life at the moment is more difficult than mine was, or the others on the holiday. I do have some resentment about the situation I was put into and got stuck with. I could and perhaps should have said no to the opportunity, but the details weren't made clear until after I had said yes. It's been a lesson for me. I'm not actually resentful of the person whose bright idea it was to create the holiday situation because I like her and know that none of it was intentional. It's more an existential resentment, if that makes any sense.
But yes, I am as capable as any other human being of feeling resentment. I don't like it in myself, but I am happy to own up to it. -
Message 13
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
>As for the woman I was sharing with, I think she has every right to feel resentful.<
But it's a shame that she does - she also has every right to live in the present and not the past - I agree with the dry rot analogy - and corrosive is exactly the word I've used about resentment in the past - it corrodes the person doing the resenting and has no impact at all on those who have caused the resentment - it just continues to give them the power to make you (one) unhappy.
Sounds like very childish and egocentric behaviour on the part of your partner. I assume he must have other offsetting characteristics. -
Message 14
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I was reading your post, for me, slowly and carefully, Morganish - when I got to the 3rd paragraph, I remembered how, in the years after my accident, when it looked like I'd always be quite disabled, several people asked me if I was bitter. My reply was always the same "No, because bitterness is corrosive".
Then I saw that you'd used the very same word in your final para.
It must have been hard to be a focus for resentment for a concentrated week, and I bet you wished that you'd had a magic wand to put the womans life right.
You had two separate sort of psychic challenges, I've realised, the attitude of the woman who you were sharing a room with and coming home to find what sounds worse than chaos from your partner.
It's easy for me to say, from a distance, and it's undoubtedly stating the obvious, but the issues with your room-mate sound as though they were very difficult and draining, but they're over now and you survived them.
The problems with your partner are still there and they're the ones that need sorting out . In a very ironic way, it might be easier to deal with the latter in the short-term because the former occurred.
You didn't have a totally wonderful holiday, you'll tell him about that and it'll throw his behaviour into sharp relief, but it must be going through you mind what the situation would have been like if your room-mate had been able to live in the present a bit more and you'd had the time your partner may have thought you did?
Sorry, no answers, just more questions.
Hope it sorts itself out - you sound such a kind person and I don't want you to be unhappy over something that's in peoples minds, sort of. -
Message 15
Posted by La Bez (U14670366) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I'll give a thought to the question of resentments and how to deal with them, as I've done a fair bit of thinking on the subject in recent years, but I have to say that one thing leapt out at me from this message
"Be assured, I raised the issue of housekeeping with OH as soon as I got in the door"
OH and the kids were away the last two weeks - my course meant I couldn't go with them - I missed them and was happy to have them back on Friday (even if I did instantly lose control of the remote). However I might have been more than a touch resentful, and very much less than welcoming had OH raised any issues of housekeeping the minute he got through the door. Maybe you didn't do it in the way the sentence makes it sound but.....
OTOH the shoving of all of your stuff in the spare room speaks of far deeper problems than resentment at your holiday -
Message 16
Posted by GuzziNut (U6364582) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Well if I'd had the magic wand I'd have poked the woman roomie in the eye with it, but then I'm not a very nice person
I'd probably have decamped to a sofa, rather than share with her too.
The rounding up all of your stuff and slinging it in the spare room is bang out of order IMO, not to mention a tad strange, especially a coat hung up out of the way. Had it been yrs t and Bloke there would have been a small explosion, on occasions I do take things he has abandoned round the house and out them in his office but he is notoriously untidy... -
Message 17
Posted by Amy Bridge (U2239711) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
'Leaps, I am not resentful of my partner - I'm furious! '
I find that sentence interesting because a random thought that came to me in reading the first few posts in this thread was that perhaps resentment is a sort of semi-repressed anger, that we don't feel we have the right to, for whatever reason: whether because nobody is at fault for a particular situation, or because one feels one SHOULD be supportive of a person instead of angry at them, or whatever.
I wonder whether once you accept that anger, and express and talk about it if applicable, then it can become more liberating than 'corrosive'. (I have never accepted the view that anger is necessarily corrosive, I think it can be liberating if channeled healthily rather than destructively).
Don't know how much this will resonate, it's just some random thoughts, as I say.
Amy x -
Message 18
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
>perhaps resentment is a sort of semi-repressed anger, that we don't feel we have the right to, for whatever reason<
I think its defining feature is the harking back to past wrongs - I assume it is connected with resentir - re-feeling. -
Message 19
Posted by strawberrysunrise (U10452397) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
bitterness is corrosive Â
well said,
Morganish just ignore the old so and so for now,and be super nice, when he comes round calmly explain how it made you feel,
I'm sure you don't do it to him when he goes off,
I really enjoy when I get rid of the family and have the place to myself, the resentment comes when they come back and clutter up the place and generate work, I must come up with a plan soon of how to get rid.
as for the roommate, maybe you will all of you lot will inspired her to be a bit more positive, and enjoy what does have(friends who want to go on holiday with her,for a start), rather than feeding the disgruntlement, that grows like fungus, unfortunately it's something a person has to realise for themselves.
I bet the K9 are glad you are back. -
Message 20
Posted by secondnightingale (U7482005) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I heard a very apt expression "resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die" - so true, which is why I'm currently trying hard not to be resentful over things happening at work... Trying hard, not succeeding yet
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Message 21
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. Although I posed my questions about resentment in terms of things that have happened recently, I am puzzled more by resentment than, I think, any other emotion. I think it was Amy who said that anger can be used positively and I agree with that: anger can be a powerful motivator. But resentment - which yes, I can see is often related to anger about the past - seems irredeemably corrosive. In my voluntary work with refugees and asylum seekers I meet people to whom dreadful things have happened. The fact that many of them are free of resentment amazes me. But I guess they are facing forward and hoping for better, and my roomie last week didn't seem to have that capacity.
My partner does have some redeeming features, I promise. He's under a lot of stress at work and with his elderly mother at the moment. He seems unwilling or unable to explain what it was all about, except to say that he wanted to clear the kitchen table where some of my bits and pieces were sitting and so he chucked them on the bed in the spare room. He says that it was a very wet week and he shifted my jacket so it wouldn't get wet when he hung his up. I don't know. It doesn't explain everything. I have wondered for a while whether he was getting depressed and this has made me more concerned. I think I may be suffering from a touch of grandiosity in assuming it's all about me. -
Message 22
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
I can think of one occasion when my partner's behaviour was so difficult that I ended up saying, that if the situation were to recur I'd question whether I would be able to stay with him.
Just now and then we get pushed to our limits by someone we are close to . And then I think it is important to say, 'This is where my limits are. You need to know that. And if you can't or won't take account of that, there is a serious problem.' -
Message 23
Posted by GuzziNut (U6364582) on Sunday, 26th June 2011
Sure your man does have many redeeming features, morganish
it's just the dumping of the stuff into spare room that seemed odd to me, we have coat hooks of cheerful chaos, with walking gear, biking gear, rucksacks, overalls and my site kit jostling for space, so nobody tends to get riled if stuff gets moved or buried
but it could be stress related, I suppose I know Bloke can be an 18carat git when stressed but then I'm a bad tempered s£d too , so it balances out
I don't really get prolonged resentment, my memory is too short to maintain it
I've run across folk like the roomie and I'm afraid I tend to put them into the box marked avoid like plague, hard to do if you are having to bunk up with them tho -
Message 24
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 27th June 2011
Guzzi, your coat rack sounds suspiciously like ours! Yes, Strawbs, the dogs were thrilled to be liberated from kennels where they'd spent the week. They are delighted to be home.
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Message 25
Posted by Spartacus (U14762542) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
Hi Morganish,
I remember the original free holiday thread and remember thinking "Oh dear" when reading the thread. To me the fact that you had committed to it (and IIRC) shelled out some money before knowing what the full context and cost was did not, to my mind, bode well.
You were (understandably) less than pleased with the assumptions your friend who booked the villa made. IIRC it turned out that others felt rather the same and some of the more expensive stuff got cancelled. At that point there seemed at least a possibility that all would go well in the end.
However; finding that you were sharing a room with someone (who you are presumably not particularly close to) who has not shed resentments from earlier in life would, I suspect, have tied into the unease you initially expressed about the "not so free after all" holiday.
I think her history may have left her feeling somewhat "less" than those around her because of her situation. From the sound of things she could probably afford the "free" holiday even less than you.
TBH my OH and I still working through stuff around the things that set each other off - we both had difficult childhoods and have both suffered abuse of one sort or another. We have discovered that there are things that act as triggers for each other.
If one of us had gone off on a holiday with friends and the other had issues of some sort (work, family or whatever) during that time and felt lonely and stressed then the one at home might not be in the best of moods when OH returned.
If the holiday goer came back less than happy the stay-at home would subconsiously pick up on it immediately. Similarly the stay-at-home would pick up that the returnee didn't have a analloyed brilliant time.
The scene is set for huge misunderstandings and rows because neither of you were on top form. Well - at least that is how it goes with us. If one of us is in good form then that person says something and we sit down and talk like reasonable adults.
If we are both stressed or unhappy for whatever reason the tiniest thing can trigger an explosion in a situation like this if neither of us does something to defuse the "bomb" that is sitting there ready-primed.
We are still working on techniques for spotting and defusing potential bombs and after many years together there have been fewer explosions in the last 5-10 years than there were previously.
The bombs are not so big now so any explosions are smaller and the rubble can be cleared more quickly - usually all done and dusted within 24 hours if we fail to defuse before the explosion occurs.
Hope this makes some sort of sense to you, Morganish! -
Message 26
Posted by Spartacus (U14762542) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
<quote>If the holiday goer came back less than happy the stay-at home would subconsiously pick up on it immediately. Similarly the stay-at-home would pick up that the returnee didn't have a analloyed brilliant time.
Bah - posted without proof-reading properly! The above should read:
If the holiday goer came back less to a less than happy stay-at-home the returnee would subconsiously pick up on it immediately. Similarly the stay-at-home would pick up that the returnee didn't have a analloyed brilliant time.
Hope there are no other mistooks I didn't spot! -
Message 27
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
I'm not actually resentful of the woman I shared with on holiday. Looking at the world through her eyes as much as I can, I can see that resentment is a valid response.Â
Oooh Morganish...resentment is never a valid response, particularly when it infringes and impacts negatively upon others.
Your OH is acting like a resentful teenager and needs to get his priorities right. Is he actually wanting you to have had a horrible holiday, did he not want you to go in the first place? I wouldn't say I'd had a horrible time, and I certainly would have given him an earful for being so childish. If you love and care for someone, you're glad they're happy, and deserve a great holiday, even if you have to stay at home. So what? Moving all your stuff is unforgiveable and starting rows is as well. Let him stew and sit and remember the lovely times you did have, with an enigmatic smile on your face.Â
What Lilo said. -
Message 28
Posted by Spartacus (U14762542) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
As with many situations presented on these message boards I think there is probably more to it than initially meets the eye. I think it would probably be foolish if Morganish was to simply treat OH like a resentful teenager. They need to talk calmly IMHO.
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Message 29
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
Well, Helen my love,
We shall agree to disagree?!
Adults are adults..grown-ups. Taking responsibility for how you handle your emotions, and how your reactions and actions impact upon others, is key here. -
Message 30
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
Oh, and the above very much applies to the woman who brought her stuff from the past into Morganish's space too btw.
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Message 31
Posted by Spartacus (U14762542) on Tuesday, 5th July 2011
Well, Helen my love,
We shall agree to disagree?!
Adults are adults..grown-ups. Taking responsibility for how you handle your emotions, and how your reactions and actions impact upon others, is key here. I agree with your general sentiment, Kris - but sometimes when people get home to someone they have had a long term relationship with after an absence (or partner arrives home after an absence) they are not always fully rational.Things that happened whilst they were apart may be in the minds of both parties.
Maybe (as has happened with us on occasion) one of us may feel the need to blurt out something about their feelings, but the other inadvertantly says something that knocks them back and increases any feeling of separation.
OK, where's me pink hat gorn? -
Message 32
Posted by Dame_Celia_ Molestrangler (U14257909) on Wednesday, 6th July 2011
Just give it time and keep busy doing other things so you don't have time to brood. Think about what is nice and good in your life instead of letting this fester and poison your life. Like gangrene.
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Message 33
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Wednesday, 6th July 2011
I think resentment's fine.
Provided a) it's directed at the appropriate people. And b) we do what we can to speak and act in a way that will help resolve situations.
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