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I Do Not Think I Like My Mother....
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Message 1.Ìý
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Saturday, 20th August 2011
... although I know there are worse people in the world.
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Message 2
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
I think there is sometimes no harder thing than to admit one doesn't like a family member -- to love them in that familial way, but not like them, when there are so many pressures on us to love our family. Particularly if that family member is not overtly difficult, nasty, or monstrous.
It seems to me to be a sign of some maturity and character to admit to not liking one's mother, yet still stay in contact with her, and help her & look after her. -
Message 3
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
Just because someones family there's nothing to say you have to like them, even if it is your parent/s.
I never really like my mum much when I was living at home, even after I left some years ago I never liked her much, but since having kids we do get on better than we did, we'll never be close but we are now at least civil to each other which has removed a lot of the snipeing. -
Message 4
Posted by Spartacus (U14243804) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
I think there is sometimes no harder thing than to admit one doesn't like a family memberÌý
That is soooo true.. -
Message 5
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
I think people expect too much from their Mothers and their relationship with them. I'ts unusual to like everything about anyone. Particularly those one is close to and sees a lot of. Of course, there will be aspects of one's Mother one does not like, just as there aspects of friends and other family members one does not like. Howevrr, Mothers are not always seen in the same light as others and not with the same tolerance. They are often expected to be perfect and normal allowances are not made.
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Message 6
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
It can also be difficult to have a relationship with one's parents that is the same one has with others. After all, it will always be based upon being, at one time, subservient to and unequal with them. There is bound to be an agenda based upon a time when hey had power usually backed with somne physical punishment. We do not, hopefully, have any other adult relationship based upon this and with echoes of it.
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Message 7
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
We often read posts stating that a parent's duty is not to be a friend but a parent. If this is so we cannot be surprised that this sometimes leads to some adult children stating that they do not like a parent.One often finds that parents and adult children who are close are ones that have a more informal, relaxed and indeed 'friendly' relationship . Ones who concentrate on the parental rather than friendly may earn fear and respect but not always friendship later in life. I know young people who indeed do have their Mothers as their 'best friends'. My children never feared me, sometimes I have wished they had but now they are adult and whatever they have done, we are all friends...
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Message 8
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
i suppose it depends upon whether a parent wants to be friends with their adult child or just continue the parental persona. When and how can one drop this and become a friend on an equal footing. Sometimes this does not ever happen. I must say that my Mum handled the blance between friend and parent well but that did not prevent me disliking somethings about her. However, as I said, I do not expect to like everything about anyone!
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Message 9
Posted by GuzziNut (U6364582) on Sunday, 21st August 2011
Jeeeez i just win my own bet, four times over, yup, furious locki all over the thread
Friend of moose, just because you are related to someone doesn't mean you have to like them
My ma is someone who I would not be pals with, with have pretty much nothing in common
and im sure the feeling is reciprocated, by her -
Message 10
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
I did not have a good relationship with my mother. Now she is dead I very much regret that I wasn't more tolerant. It haunts me at times.
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Message 11
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
How unkind. It's just a topic I have given much thought to and am interested in exploring.
Dislike of Mothers in particular appears to be widespread and and I think it's an interesting and important issue.
There is an anomaly on this MB. Many posts from parents extholling their relationship with their children and many from children describing dysfunctional ones with parents. There appears to be a discrepancy!
Are parents deluded?
Why do some posters cling to old posting names? -
Message 12
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
It sometimes seems that being disliked by your adult children is intrinsic in being a parent. It's rather strange as most young childen love their parents very much. When does the rot set in? Perhaps prospective parents should be given another health warning, the one warning them that their childen will probably despise them later in life.
It's a depressing reflection on something really..... Is it a reflection upon parenting.....? I suppose it must be. Ithink it has always been the case but previous generations were more reluctant to express it. Perhaps there should be more research into it. -
Message 13
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
I wonder if the dislike of a Mother is a biological device to ensure separation, although it seems counter-intuitive to dislike one's parents.
Parenting styles have changed greatly in the last 40 years or so and many young people seem to have good relationships with their parents. Antagonism may be a dying phenomenon.
There is still some taboo about claiming to dislike one's children. -
Message 14
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
BL, for me this isn't about whether I am demanding too much of a parent or whether I am being reasonable, it is about a matter of simple fact as to whether and if so how much I like my AP.
There are some aspects of my AP I like and some that I don't. He is not someone whom I would ever choose as a friend, not least because of his attitude towards people with mental illnes (which is, sadly, biting him in the bum now that he has dementia, which is heartbreaking to watch). He is someone whose career and desire for status and power were put ahead his family. He is who he is. He is not a bad man and has done much good, but like I say, he is not someone whom I would ever choose as a friend. So I suppose it is difficult to say whether I like him or not. There have been very, very few people in life whom I have disliked entirely. However, he is on the cusp and perhaps I would say that I dislike more about him than I like. But I love him and blood's thicker than water. -
Message 15
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
As I said in my message 3 you don't have to like a parent/s, now I'm not living with or that near my own mum we get on a lot better than we did, that said I wouldn't dnose to be freinds with her and her own brothers and sisters all had major fallings out with her over the years sometimes not being on speaking terms with her for years at a time.
My brothers went along with what she said and/or did for a quite life mainly whereas me and our late dad would stand up to her and augue the toss with her on many things, as she's got older she's admitted she was bull headed in many instances.
Another reason we get on better I suppose.
Not everyone comes from a close, loving family so for those that do it's hard to understand the point of view of those of use who don't have that closeness.
I was watching a dprogramme a few months ago following adults who had been either in care or adopted who had traced thier parents, those who established good relationships with their respective familes (there were 10 adults) were only 3, the other 7 either got rejected or walked away because of the attiude of the parents and/or extended family.
So as I said for those with colse loving families...........good luck to you and peace..............not everyone is so lucky. -
Message 16
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
It sometimes seems that being disliked by your adult children is intrinsic in being a parent. It's rather strange as most young childen love their parents very much. Ìý
But liking is not the same as loving. -
Message 17
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
I wonder if the dislike of a Mother is a biological device to ensure separation, although it seems counter-intuitive to dislike one's parents.
Parenting styles have changed greatly in the last 40 years or so and many young people seem to have good relationships with their parents. Antagonism may be a dying phenomenon.
There is still some taboo about claiming to dislike one's children.Ìý
Locki I so love to read your posts on this sort of subject. Always, always honest and insightful.
Of course, it is a Freudian concept that separation from the mother (for a female in particular) is part biological, part psychological, the aim of which is to ensure the forging of a sense of self by disassociating from the all encompassing confines of maternal love.
Could be a load of old bullocks though. I would say that psychoanalysis and psychologists generally have a lot to answer for when it comes to bringing the Madonna/hoar dichotomy into public consciousness. It was a theory, now expounded and taken into public consciousness as truth....Just a theory really though.
Parenting styles have changed greatly in the last 40 years or so and many young people seem to have good relationships with their parents. Antagonism may be a dying phenomenonÌý
Absolutely agree with this, and this is so even to the extent that people of our generation can accept and work through ambivalence around liking and loving our parents.
I would expect future research to show some interesting and mixed results from studies done on the present 20-33 something generation. Would expect them to show far less ambivalence and far more naturally empathy between parents and children.
But what of the younger generation? The rioting generation? .Has there been an empathy breakdown, and if so why, and how is this reflected in parent/child relationships?
Food for thought indeed.
It is sad that some here do not have a good relationship with their parents, but rest assured that it is ok to see beyond the socially conditioned edit that this is the most important relationship in our lives. For many it is (I am lucky in the strength of my own inter-familial relationships),but there are other relationships which both mimic and amplify the mother child relationship, and many/most of our greatest, most loving, relationships are forged and cemented in adulthood. -
Message 18
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
Grrrr...Madonna/Whore not hoar (no idea why i spelt it thus)
And 20-30 generation not 20-33.
I need a secretary I do. -
Message 19
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
Mothers are not always seen in the same light as others and not with the same tolerance. They are often expected to be perfect and normal allowances are not made.Ìý
I agree they don't have the same tolerance.
My mother got away with treating me in ways that I would not tolerate from anyone else, but because she was my mother I put up with it from her. -
Message 20
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Monday, 22nd August 2011
Same here Bearhug, always remember my 16th birthday, mum roped me in to helping her with the weekly shopping (2 brothers on leave with a car and THEY couldn't go?!), I was pi$$ed off as I'd had to cancel the plans I'd made with my mates to see a movie and go for a pizza, any way we were on the way back home with said shopping (I'd been lumbered with housework and cooking detail as well) and Mum ran into a friend, the friend could see I was pi$$ed off and asked if I was ok.............mum came out with *Oh there's naff all wrong with misery guts, it's her birthday and she has to do the housework and help me..........sweet 16 and never been kissed and with that ugly face who would?!*
Her friend turned to me and said "I'm so sorry for you love, you should be out enjoying yourself, especially on your birthday, and that was a nasty uncalled for thing to say to her"............I've never felt so awful in all my life, I left home the following year.............and haven't been back there for 25 years.........only to visit which is very rarely and when my dad died 17 years ago.
As I say for those who have a good relationship with a parent peace and good will but I can do without the Freud clap trap thank you, some people IMHO should never have kids and my mum was one of them I'm sorry to say. -
Message 21
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
As I say for those who have a good relationship with a parent peace and good will but I can do without the Freud clap trap thank you, some people IMHO should never have kids and my mum was one of them I'm sorry to say.Ìý
I am sorry for your unhappy childhood Giggle (Bearhug and others too). Trust me, i have seen and heard the damage done by the overlaying of emotional pain and abuse gifted (sic) from parents to their children. it is insipid and cloying and damaging.
I would like to say though that I am a little pi$$ed off myself at never being able to mention Freud without someone taking offence or mocking. Particularly as i always throw in an addendum...
I do or did psychoanalysis as a living, but am wise enough to know which of Freud's theories are valid and which were attention seeking theories posited simply to get himself established as a leading force in psychology. I am also always the first to point out how much damage he and his followers did to the psyche and reputation of women and children with their mother/child father/child theories.
Hmm, were i a mechanic i could possibly talk about a fuel gauge with impunity..but Freud, always brings a knee-jerk reaction and usually i ignore it or laugh it off.
But there you go. i'm out of here anyway as am about to lose internet access again soon. But I do wonder, often actually, what is to be gained from my being here when i am so restricted when it comes to using the skills and tools i have..most people use what they "Do" as a facet of the way in which they respond to posts, is all i'm trying to say.
Sorry, this is the wrong thread for this, but it is off my chest now. Hey, i will not pollute another thread with what i do again, that i promise
I wish you peace and serenity, all.
Kris. -
Message 22
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Kris, don't you think 'Freud clap trap' is often used as a blanket term for all sorts of counselling techniques. A bit like saying 'I am going to do the hoovering' when our own gadget may not be a D*son. Freud is the known name so he gets the blame or plaudits. Just a thought.
No need to stop posting. Your views and insights are very valuable to ML & come from your professional knowledge and your own life experience. -
Message 23
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Of course I realise that it is not only nice people who have children, although who of us is perfect,and there are some extreme cases of 'child abuse'. However, animosity towards a mother appears to be so common even towards mothers that arn't overtly abusive, that I wonder why and what is going on. Is it biological, is it normal is it because we expect more from a mother than anyone else? Is it because our intimate relationships are usually ambiguous? It just seems depressing and biologically weird that so many can't stand the person who gave them life.
I think one taboo is that many parents are disappointed with the child they have. This may contribute to the hostility although it can't explain it all.
I love reading Freud. His theory of the mother daughter relationship and a daughter being an extension of her mother perfectly describes the one between my Mother and myself. When my Mum is hurt I am also. I only discovered that quite late in life. Of course, having my own children helped reveal it. -
Message 24
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I adored my father, and my mother seemed to do nothing but run him down. Looking back, that was probably borne of jealosy.
I really should have been more understanding at the time, but she did seem to go out of her way to wind me up at times. Sometimes I responded by doing the same. All horrid and unecessary. -
Message 25
This posting has been hidden during moderation because it broke the in some way.
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Message 26
Posted by ooo-- Misty --ooo (U2226804) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Shame on you, Flammer!
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Message 27
Posted by gigglemahanaz2 (U14257954) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Khris while I appricate you did/do this type of work for a living I, personally, have little time for it as I've had depression for 18 years and have had a fill of talking do dah's, you have your view and it's a valid one but sometimes situations can be over anylised (?) to the point of death.
My late father was a Burma veteran and long service soilder (22 years), my brothers are all ex army and my boys are in the army, dad and my brothers never had or were offered counselling (I doubt, knowing them, they would have taken it anyway) my boys were offered it and refused, they all said the same.........whats the point?! The counsellors are civvies and have no bloody idea what we've been through or seen, they have all spoken to other service men/women who have been thorough what they have and have found that helped them more than talking to a counsellor who spouted from what they termed book learning.
Likewise Flammer is equally entitled the his/her point of view which is also just a valid as everyone elses who's made comment here. -
Message 28
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Likewise Flammer is equally entitled the his/her point of view which is also just a valid as everyone elses who's made comment here.
Ìý
No, Flammer expressed themselves in a way which breaks the House Rule which says "We reserve the right to fail messages which are considered likely to disrupt, provoke, attack or offend other". -
Message 29
This posting has been hidden during moderation because it broke the in some way.
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Message 30
Posted by Flammer (U14942546) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Giggle,
I was not talking to you or about you in my initial response. I was responding to Locki, who had mentioned Freud.
Your post is interesting in that it seems to presume that because you have 'litte time for it' you somehow assume that any mention of Freud is somehow directed at you, personlally perhaps in an effort to give you 'superior' insight or self knowledge?
I have NEVER, on this board or in RL without being asked or being paid, spouted psychoanalysis psychobabble (Very nice, Flammer, do you actually know anything about psychoanalysis or did you, like the majority of people, just read that line somewhere?).
I have NEVER 'psychoanalysed' anyone on this board, either for my own entertainment or otherwise. I have sometimes done it for fun, in banter with another ML.
they have and have found that helped them more than talking to a counsellor who spouted from what they termed book learning.Ìý
I listened, day in day out, to broken people talk about what broke them. For 25 years I listened, and encouraged people to open up. The whole point about psychoanalysis, btw, is that the client does the talking and working through thus empowering themselves with the tools of emotional healing. How dare you assume my knowledge is all book based, Giggle.
Enough. You and Flammer are entitled to your opinion but it is a bigoted one.
I suspect that you are not alone and i really just can't be a*sed anymore.
Ìý Apologies Kris I didn't mean to be rude but you said :
"I do or did psychoanalysis as a living"
Either you do or you don't. What I can't stand about psychobabble is that an idea is flavour of the month which is later deemed not the correct procedure. Then, usually agreed by committee, another silver bullet is discovered and we all rush of in that direction only to discover it's not right.
If you have helped broken people Kris then good for you and perhaps you done it with your own experience rather than what you've learned from a book.
I suppose both our views are somewhat bigoted you think you are right I think I'm right. Which one of us is who knows. -
Message 31
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
My own understanding - derived from reading, a relatively short stint of psychodynamic therapy, and numerous conversations with a close friend who is undergoing analysis - is that it is transference which is the key concept in terms of this kind of therapeutic approach.
The language krisalis uses strikes me as applicable to all sorts of other therapies including more 'New Age' ones.
I guess one of the benefits of years as a practising analyst - which would normally include a lenghty stint being analysed onself, as well as regular supersvion - should be that if you felt you were on the verge of getting upset when mentions of Freud etc evoked a hostile response, you'd be able to understand where those emotions really come from.. -
Message 32
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Talking therapies are controversial, even among those in the psychiatry business. I've met many people who've had counselling and said that while it was a great relief to be able to talk to someone, it didn't offer the solution they had hoped for.
Certainly,the therapy I got 40 years ago did nothing to improve my relationship with my mother and I believe it made it worse.
Listening to someone can just give them the opportunity to reinforce their (false) perpective on life. There's no point in offering "emotional healing" if the wound was an imaginary or inflated one. -
Message 33
This posting has been hidden during moderation because it broke the in some way.
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Message 34
Posted by Karmic-ish Kris (U14642774) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Sorry, what i meant to say was:
"Enough. You and Flammer are entitled to your opinion but,, when it comes to psychoanalysis, it is a bigoted one."
I certainly don't mean to imply that you are bigotted per se.
Flammer, this is interesting:
If you have helped broken people Kris then good for you and perhaps you done it with your own experience rather than what you've learned from a book.Ìý
Yes, that is actually my point. Most psychological theories(excluding the mere ego based name-making extrapolations) are formulated by many years of listening to the emotional responses of thousands of clients. So, for instance, if it is catalogued that 1000 women have said, in therapy, that shame is their biggest response to rape (rather than the expected anger or humiliation) then you are likely at some point to find theories (in books!) based around these testimonies.
Take this thread. There are those on here who have said that they have had problematic relationships with their Mother. What this thread may show is that all of these people feel, and felt as children, the same kinds of emotional pain. Often this 'pain' was not given a voice in childhood, leading to common but significant feelings of isolation, guilt..lots of emotions.
Thanks to OP's like this one people are now free to express what was once a taboo subject.
I guess what i mean is would you call the responses (from people who have problematic relationships with their mothers) psychobabble?
All emotions are psychological!
Anyway, I hope this thread gets back on track as it is an interesting and diverse discussion topic. -
Message 35
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
kris, if you re-read what giggle was saying, it was what her /sons/, who are young soldiers, say about who helps most when they need a listening ear.
The counsellors are civvies and have no bloody idea what we've been through or seen, they have all spoken to other service men/women who have been thorough what they have and have found that helped them more than talking to a counsellor who spouted from /what they termed book learning/.Ìý -
Message 36
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Listening to someone can just give them the opportunity to reinforce their (false) perspective on life. There's no point in offering "emotional healing" if the wound was an imaginary or inflated one.
Ìý
A good counsellor or psychotherapist doesn't listen passively, or collude with the client, which could, as you say, reinforce their position.
The client deserves, if it is appropriate, to be challenged, to have alternative options and interpretations offered to them.
skylark, I'm sorry that you received bad counselling that you think made your situation worse, but being there when someone turns there life around is why I'm a counsellor (voluntary, BTW) and, from what Kris has written on other threads, why she does as well. -
Message 37
Posted by Silver Jenny (U12795676) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
However, animosity towards a mother appears to be so common even towards mothers that arn't overtly abusive,Ìý
Locki, do you think now it is because of the many programmes, articles and so on talking about these feelings,we just hear more about this. A bit like mother-in-law jokes, which used to turn up a lot. So 'I can't stand my mother/ daughter' changes when a crisis happens and they do know that the strength is there to get through it together.
Never knew my own mother and a relationship with an adoptive mother doesn't have many of the 'there, you are just as aggravating as your Granny' conversations. -
Message 38
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Take this thread. There are those on here who have said that they have had problematic relationships with their Mother. What this thread may show is that all of these people feel, and felt as children, the same kinds of emotional pain. Often this 'pain' was not given a voice in childhood, leading to common but significant feelings of isolation, guilt..lots of emotions. Ìý
Somehow I doubt that we all had the same experiences, emotional or otherwise, as children. As a child, I loved my mother; she was maybe a bit over-protective, but no-one's perfect.
As for guilt - well, in small quantities it is sometimes needed to help us avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future. Indeed, I think that was my mother's main problem, she refused to believe that she was ever in the wrong! -
Message 39
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
A good counsellor or psychotherapist doesn't listen passively, or collude with the client, which could, as you say, reinforce their position.
The client deserves, if it is appropriate, to be challenged, to have alternative options and interpretations offered to them.
Ìý
Despite my bad experiences via the NHS as a troubled anorexic teenageer, I decided to pay for counselling about 10 years ago when going through a bad patch. A counsellor I knew personally recommended someone and assured me she was fully qualified, and I don't doubt that. I The agreement was that I committed myself to a full course - a dozen one hour sessions I think, and I did complete it.
Sorry, but it was a complete waste of money and the counsellor pocketed the price of a holiday, which on hindsight would have done me a lot more good.
I dare say she did offer alternatives - though it wasn't about my mother - but nothing I hadn't already considered for myself. At the first session I gave her an analysis of what I thought the problem was, and at the end she more or less parroted it back to me, as though it was her conclusion.
So forgive me for feeling a bit bitter! -
Message 40
Posted by goalpostsoflife (U10655386) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I'm reluctant to join in these discussions in any depth as my own situation with my mother is very dysfunctional and deeply unhappy, and I don't feel up to throwing it open here, though I know I could receive very useful feedback.
It's tricky because a bad counsellor can be very scarring and put people off the entire process. I've had counselling in the past (about fourteen years ago), and it felt useful at the time, but more in the sense that at least I was doing something to try and take control of my situation. I found it massively self-indulgent, though, but maybe that's partly the point (?!)
I know several therapists of different varieties (some are even related to me), and lots of people who work with therapists professionally, as well as undergo therapy themselves. In other words I'm in a culture where therapy is very much accepted, and I'm often urged by friends to see a therapist again.
But right now I just can't face it and the idea of talking all that stuff through makes me want to weep. It's too overwhelming. Do you one day just 'know' you need help, or should you actually do it when you're feeling relatively strong, as I am now? (by which I probably simply mean, shelving certain issues fairly effectively).
Re the taboo around saying you don't like your children, my mother has said (often) that she loves but doesn't like my sister (who isn't in contact with her for a few years now). I have at least two good friends whose mothers have never liked them and made that clear. Yet both friends endlessly try to 'fix' things.
Overall, I think that realizing you can't be entirely responsible (of course, you are partly responsible in a broad sense, and rightly so, but where does it stop?) for someone's else's happiness and life choices is the biggest thing i've slowly come to accept in recent years, and that if someone refuses to help themselves there is only so much you can do to persuade them otherwise.
I would give literally anything - except, I've discovered, my mental health - to have a better relationship with my mother but all the effort is on my side, over and over and over and over and over again. As I'm now effectively an only child, in relation to her, it's that bit harder, too.
I wouldn't blather on so in the Bull ... apologies if this is a bit erratic but it being the Village Hall ... (people do realize that this thread was/is continuing over there, albeit on different lines? It may have dropped down the mayo by now). -
Message 41
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
No apologies, required, Skylark - you've been honest, and you haven't tarred all counsellors with the same brush - it's such a pity you feel you've had a bad experience and wasted money that could have been better spent (You're the expert on your life - if you thought, with hindsight, that a holiday would have been more therapeutic, you're very probably right!)
I'm always very clear with my clients that the relationship between us is important for the therapies success, and that if it didn't work (it's not been an issue yet) it could well be the chemistry, rather than anyones "fault".
That's why I personally would never make (or even encourage) someone to sign up for 12 sessions "up front" - IMO t would be a bit like committing yourself to a 3-month ocean voyage on a small boat with someone you'd never met.
Did you have regular "reviews"? -
Message 42
Posted by Borsetshire Blue (U2260326) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Take this thread. There are those on here who have said that they have had problematic relationships with their Mother. What this thread may show is that all of these people feel, and felt as children, the same kinds of emotional pain. Ìý
But this thread hasn't shown anything of the sort. That's the problem with trying to come up with generalisations on a message board, even the same behaviour from their parent can cause different reactions in different individuals and they will have diifferent levels of resiliance.
Often this 'pain' was not given a voice in childhood, leading to common but significant feelings of isolation, guilt..lots of emotions. Ìý
Yes, lots of emotions .... sometimes positive. Some people put it into the past and successfully move on. -
Message 43
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I don't know if it's normal, but since my Mum went into a care home I keep getting feelngs that it's me sittng there small, abandoned and lonely. It's like an absolute empathy! Talk about Freudian connection! It is a new experience for me and I don't know if it is normal... I make no claim for uniqueness so assume others must have felt it. Just another step in life I suppose but disturbing. There are many books on child rearing but I think there is a gap in the market for books on coping with parents' old age and what to expect. I have found it to be as much as an emotional maelstrom as other milestones in life.
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Message 44
Posted by What larks (U14260755) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Goodness - I can't remember whether we had reviews - we may have done. I can remember telling her I didn't think the sessions were going anywhere and she seemed confident that they were. I was too stupidly polite and emotionally drained to argue. How could I?
I didn't like the counsellor after I giggled at something and she looked at me sternly and said "that isn't funny". After that, I felt about five.
Until then things were going okay and I was enjoying going; having someone to talk to helped at the time. I understood that the 12 sessions were to ensure that someone didn't leave at a critical stage, before issues were resolved. Of course they never were. It is a bit like practitioners who say "Ah, you can't expect aromatherapy/homeotherapy/reflexology (or substitute with whatever else) to work at once; you have to keep having the treatment before you feel the benefit..." advice which should make anyone keep a tight hold of their wallet! -
Message 45
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I have seen psychiatrists and counsellors, not because of my Mum ,well, only subliminally as everything we are is determined by her I think. I only ever gained one helpful comment and it was very helpful. I am now wondering if someone who has issues with a parent might also have issues with a psychiatrist or counsellor. After all, their role can be a little like that of a parent and a little authorititive.
One may need some objective advice, but as one only sees these people when one is vulnerable, I think one needs to feel the professional is on one's side and I only ever felt that once. One psychiatrist I saw spoke as if he was the besty mate of the ex -husband that contributed to my breakdown. This resulted in my total alienation whether the psychiatrist was correct in his observations or not. I suppose we all only want to hear what we want to hear.
Fortunately, I have never had to pay to be listened to. -
Message 46
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I didn't like the counsellor after I giggled at something and she looked at me sternly and said "that isn't funny". After that, I felt about five.Ìý
If you think it's funny, it is - there aren't really any taboos, with the exception of child protection issues (and the legal caveat about disclosure of drug dealing (not drug abuse) and physical abuse of the counsellor.
There's black humour to be found in everything, I think. She sounds well dodgy, and not very sure of herself.
Such a shame you felt judged in the one environment where that shouldn't happen. -
Message 47
Posted by goalpostsoflife (U10655386) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
Exactly, not being judged in that context is HUGE. How can you possibly have trust in someone who can make that kind of remark? (apart from indicating what for me would be an utter deal-breaker in terms of liking someone, as not much is out of bounds for humour, imo.).
She sounds very poor indeed.
Very unfortunate for you, Skylark.
. -
Message 48
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
I am now wondering if someone who has issues with a parent might also have issues with a psychiatrist or counsellor. Ìý
Yep, a decent counsellor/psychotherapist should be fully aware of the possibility of transference (and counter-tranference)
Locki, counsellors do not "give advice" and nor are they "people who you pay to listen to you". -
Message 49
Posted by Amy Bridge (U2239711) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
On the other hand, someone who has issues with a counsellor might just have issues with the counsellor.
That's one of the things that drove me mad in my own experiences of counselling, if I disagreed with something, that was interpreted as evidence of my 'resistance'. One of my counsellors had some catch-all theory about women's relationships with their mothers, and that was the lens through which she saw pretty much everything I talked about, whether it was about my mother or not. Once I told her that actually, no I had no desire to return to my mother's womb, and she interpreted that to mean my mother must have had a difficult pregnancy with me. Per-lease.
But my disagreement meant that I was resisting the truth. Obviously. And when I got angry at her that was transference. Game set and match to the counsellor. These theories leave you trapped.
I do feel angry about these experiences (of 'person-centred counselling', yep, it certainly was-- centred on the counsellors) and part of that is down to the power relationship that is inherent in these relationships. I'm sure some counsellors work to minimise the negative effects of that, and it seems to be a useful process for a lot of people, but for me, to have someone sitting there interpreting my life for me in terms of their own pet theories was sometimes extremely painful.
Never again. I look for other kinds of support these days, when I need it.
Amy x -
Message 50
Posted by Now Locking for a house (U3261819) on Tuesday, 23rd August 2011
One would think that only 'nice' empathic people would go into counselling! I supose it would be impossible for any counsellor to be compatible with every client. I guess it's luck who one gets for a Mother or a counsellor.
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