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Otherwise: unrequited love
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Message 1.Â
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 24th October 2011
A friend of mine has fallen in love (her words) with a work colleague who is neither available or interested. I assumed that once it became clear that there was no scope for anything but a working relationship she would get over it, but six months and more on, she seems to be getting more obsessed than ever.
I have, fortunately, never had had to cope with more than a distant crush, but after a long conversation with her last night it occurs to me that this is quite deep and dangerous emotional water to be in. Till now I have just listened and tried to encourage her to be realistic - but I wonder now whether listening to her hopeful fantasies is just encouraging her to continue having them.
Can anyone offer any advice? -
Message 2
Posted by Claribel (U2264645) on Monday, 24th October 2011
Personal unrequited love experience: friend's boyfriend. *Very* bad idea. Remedy: went away to university but it still took a while.
Based on that one experience, the only advice I can offer is to get out of the situation, which is easier said than done when it's a work colleague. But I do think that the more one discusses it the more real it becomes, especially if the listener is a nice kind sympathetic person who, instead of saying 'don't be an idiot', listens and indulges. The best advice I got was that, once I went away, I'd forget all about him. It wasn't true, and it took the best part of the year to at least partially move on, but it had enough truth in it to be helpful.
Sorry, I realise this isn't very practical advice, and I'm not really advocating the 'don't be an idiot' line, but I think that in this situation a little bit of tough love is helpful. Unless she is in fact enjoying the fact that it's an unrequited situation, because she knows that, as she can't have him/her, the person can never let her down? I know that some people tend to focus on this kind of relationship for fear of the bumps and bruises a 'real' one will cause. Do you think there's anything like that going on? -
Message 3
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 24th October 2011
I think that *was* very useful, actually. The person concerned is a mature, normally sensible sort of woman and I assumed she would pull her socks up and get on top of her feelings, so I got into the habit of listening and I suppose commiserating. But last night I began to feel as if she'd moved into complete fantasy - and yes, as if I was indulging her and making things worse rather than better. I am going to have to say something. What, I don't know. Thanks.
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Message 4
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Monday, 24th October 2011
I've seen something similar at uncomfortably close quarters. It was complete fantasy and, imo, a way of escaping from reality. I doubt if you'd be able to get her to accept that, though - the best you can probably achieve is to stop feeding the fantasy.
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Message 5
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 24th October 2011
It's the level of delusion that is worrying me. A couple of months back she would talk about him and laugh at herself for being so silly, but now she seems to have lost that degree of perspective.
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Message 6
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Monday, 24th October 2011
I think there has always been a side of me that knows however attractive another person might be, that if they did requite one's affection , this wouldn't lactully ead to an eternity of bliss....
Anyone who has experience of real relationships - as opposed to adolescent fantasy - knows that even compatible people who love each other, are going end up reminding each other about whose turn it is to service the car, and do some nagging about the other person isn't any good at picking up towels.
One woman I knew years back who became obsessed by someone in our social group, did - quite literally - go on to have some kind of psychotic breakdown ie. the delusions became overpowering - as opposed to the kind of escapist fantasy we might all indulge in, when reality gets a bit too much. (When I tried to detach myself from her obsessive talk about this person, she got quite angry and said I wasn't a supportive friend. But I did need to be honest with her.) -
Message 7
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 24th October 2011
Moose, you've used words I didn't dare in case they seemed OTT - but yes, I have wondered if she's heading for a breakdown. Some kind of line seems to have been crossed. Actually, early on she was much more realistic about the situation: things have slipped slowly.
Fee, I noted your point about escaping reality and yes, I think that may apply here. -
Message 8
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Tuesday, 25th October 2011
" I am going to have to say something. What, I don't know. "
How about "he's just not that into you. Now grow up and get a life"
or does that sound a little harsh?????
She sounds like she's completely lost the plot and is probably making this poor guys life a misery. Has she nothing else in her life? I know it's tough but a good friend would call it IMHO. Good luck (make sure you wear a tin hat and you know where we are when you end up being called unsupportive!)
G -
Message 9
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
Obviously I know only what she tells me, but I don't think she's making his life hell. She's making her life hell, though, and until fairly recently she had some awareness of what she was doing to herself by torturing herself with fantasies that they might get together. Now she seems to have lost that awareness. I think she needs to find a new job and leave him behind but given the current employment situation that's going to be very difficult.
I guess my initial post was inspired by a sense of not really understanding what this obsessive type of 'love' is all about - whether it is really about loving someone or whether it's about trying to escape something by focussing unrealistically on another person, or whether it's a symptom of something else. I have had to deal with the pain of being rejected by someone I really liked and I have also had the occasional crush, but neither seems comparable to the agonies that my friend is putting herself through. -
Message 10
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
He's probably aware of her "obsession" and if he's not interested is probably a bit uncomfortable when she's around. Have been there on the receiving end of one of these obsessions and it's not fun.
I think it's obsession and fantasy rather than real love. She's probably started off fancying him and perhaps admiring what she's seen but if she's lonely she's built it up to more than that in her head. She's "in love" with her fantasy not the real guy I'd hazard. Don't really see how you can really be in love with someone unless you know them in all their muck and bullets. Most of us love our OHs and are loved back in the full awareness of all the faults and clay feet. I am so disorganised and my OH is OCD that I'm surprised he hasn't put his hands round my throat for a friendly squeeze!
I don't envy you having to approach her. My "fan" ended up being spoken to by police and given a caution (at my request rather than a prosecution) when he finally wrote to me threatening to kill me if I didn't "be his". Rather coming from a mate though than from the police when she pushes it one step too far. As I say we are here when it's all your fault of course!
G -
Message 11
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
That must have been very scary for you. I think in this case it's more longing looks in office hours, but who really knows. Can't be comfortable for him. Horrible situation all round.
Forgot to say that I used the 'Look, he's just not into you, he's got a live-in girlfriend' line several times in the early days - and she would laugh and say yes, she knew all that and she knew she was being ridiculous. Now when I say it she says she doesn't think he's in a serious relationship and she's picking up signs that he *is* interested.
Think I'm just going to have to confront her, say this is ridiculous and out of control and that I'm not prepared to collude in it any more. Sad if it means the end of a friendship but I don't think I can take any more of it. -
Message 12
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
I'm thinking back to my 'unrequited love' friend. I'd agree that it isn't love without some kind of actual relationship - even if that's only a friendship.
Self, friend and the man were all involved in a large group involved in the performing arts. The man's role in the group meant that he had to be looking quite hard at people from time to time - to see if all the violins had come in at the right time etc. Friend's role also meant that she had to liaise with the man about organisational matters occasionally. Friend was convinced there was special significance if the Man looked in her general direction. She also was absolutely sure that if her landline ever started ringing and stopped, or there was a wrong number, then it had to be the man.
Friend kept wanting me to say, 'Yes, he was looking specially at you. Yes, it would have been him who rang.' I think I am reasonably perceptive, but I saw absolutely nothing out of the normal run of things on any occasion when we were in the group together.
I also found it slightly odd because the friend was married, and didn't appear to be consciously looking for a new relationship. She just wanted to feel the man in the group was obsessed with her.
She ended the friendship not long afterwards, citing various ways which I had let her down.
She got in touch some years later and told me - among other things - that rather later on she had had a breakdown involving various delusions. Her husband had ended their marriage. Although she had got better and gone on with her life, it was a sad story. -
Message 13
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
I agree, it's not love. The examples you cite (phone calls in particular) are very similar to the 'evidence' of interest cited by the woman I know. She got very excited when a chocolate wafer was left on her desk one day and interpreted it as a gift from him. It turned out to have been left by another colleague and she was devastated.
I do have an inkling of the feelings behind it. Like most of us, I've gone temporarily off-balance when dumped (oh, that awful yoyoing between despair, anger and hope) but fortunately it's never lasted for long. I think what I find most difficult in all this is the loss of dignity. Watching someone previously steady and sensible reduced to weeping about a non-existent relationship is.... well, I find it a challenge not to shake her and shout "Can't you see what you're doing to yourself?' Maybe I should actually do that. -
Message 14
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
Surely there must be something else very much not right in her life?
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Message 15
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
IMHO this 'imaginary' chemistry between them is a symptom rather than the cause of your friend's unhappiness.
Bubbly -
Message 16
Posted by Spleen Angel (U1024447) on Wednesday, 26th October 2011
I think should could need psychiatric help.
I knew someone in similar circumstances (although there was a brief relationship). It escalated and ended very nastily indeed; Police involvment, estrangement from friends and family; loss of employment and eventual sectioning.
There was no reasoning with her - apparently, several years on, she still believes she is in a relationship with this person.
Spleen
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