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Otherwise - Teenage tantrum thread
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Message 1.Ìý
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
Struggling somewhat with my dear teen at the moment and, though I know there have been other threads in the past, I thought it would not hurt to have an update because I, for one, need a prop because I don't feel like I am handling it well at the moment.
It is all entirely predictable and I hear the same things from any other parent I speak to about this - usually word for word either quoting the teen or the parent. When the screaming starts that doesn't help, does it?
For example, over the weekend, the Ableseaman (just 14)was trying unsuccessfully to do his history homework and, to be honest, I could see why he was struggling to write an essay based on the question he had. I suggested checking with classmates but no, that was the right homework he insisted.
At the school gate yesterday, the history teacher approached me to say that the work was utterly inadequate - 6 lines instead of 10 paragraphs. but in the conversation later last evening, the AB refused to acknowledge that he had not written it down correctly and everyone else was wrong (including me of course). When I suggested that he just check after making his notes that he had them recorded accurately, things blew up beyond anything before (and this is not the first time of course). I have taken his xbox, phone and ipod - well I said that I was going to do that until he could show me that he is concentrating properly but he has hidden the latter two.
Now what do I do? I am drained by the conflict.
Is anyone else struggling? -
Message 2
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
Dear Pin,
I have not had this particular problem with jujnior Bubbly but having a few friends with sons the same age I have seen them trying to cope with similar situations. It sounds like classic male pride, he probably realised early on that there was a problem with his homework but pride prevented him from asking for help. Pubity is such a horrible time for both young people and their poor parents and young men, especially, will go on the defensive if they feel criticised or they may lose 'face' by admitting to making a mistake.
Would it help if the teacher provided samples of other student's work so that your son would realise exactly what was expected of him? Young people often take things quite literally and he might well think that as long as he answered the question he has no need to pad it out.
I can't really offer you any advice, apart from coming in here to let off steam, but try to keep calm (easier said than done!) and keep trying to provide him with opportunities to ask for help.
I wish children came with a manual, they are far harder to maintain than cars yet much easier to acquire!
Good luck,
Bubbly xx -
Message 3
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
As an adjunct to this, I have just discovered that, by throwing the vacuum cleaner last night, he has broken it. The handle, part of the suction system on my Dyson, has been snapped off.
I am so short of money right now and a replacement (not a dyson - haha) will cost a week's income.
Bubbly, thank you for your thoughtful post. -
Message 4
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
Pin
Oh dear! Make him pay for the replacement, they have to learn that there are consequences for their actions - hard lesson to learn but if they want to be treated like adults they need to understand that they must behave like adults. Think a lot of problems today are caused by parents being too soft, we all want our children to have as good as or better childhoods than ours but protecting them from real life does them no favours.
Bubbly xx -
Message 5
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
I think it's about getting the blend of boundaries and support. One can't just go on in a spiral of getting more and more punitive, while an offspring gets ever angrier.
My stepson used to flare up and get terribly angry - and sometimes break things. (I've broken stuff myself when frustrated, though not for many years.)
14 yr old daughter is very articulate - so she's sometimes verbally a bit nasty - but tends to discuss stuff so far.
Is your son's other parent about? If so, what do they think?
Ideally I'd be trying to get some more relaxed time in order to talk about what's going on.
Are they basically happy at school? Do they have friends? How do they feel about the pressure being cranked up re GCSEs? Are there fears about the longer-term future - as there is such doomy news re youth unemployment? Are there things they do well, which they need to be praised for? And what alternative ways can he deal with the times when he feels angry and frustrated?
Worth talking about how things are tight with money - and the real problems it causes if something expensive gets smashed. (In a crisis buy special cheap plates from a discount place for smashing. The noise of broken china is very satisfying as I recall.) -
Message 6
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
Funnily enough we recently had a letter saying that the boy hadn't done some history homework, though the boy insists that he's done everything that he's been told about... I can only assume he's either been daydreaming and missed it or the homework has gone adrift somewhere. We talked about it then just left it, it's early in the year and he's generally doing well so we'll see how it goes, I did remind him that it was important that everything went in his journal as he can't rely on his memory!
We haven't had anything big (yet), just him being increasingly annoying - he'd developed a superior/snidey way of speaking to us as if we're hardly worth bothering with, though at least then he isn't mumbling... I complained about him muttering under his breath (as if I didn't know the kind of thing he was saying!) so he's taken to muttering in German, I don't know whether to be more annoyed or impressed. He's largely taken to his room, often he comes home from school and goes straight to his bedroom to do homework but he only comes down to eat then often disappears upstairs again until nearly bedtime. There was an impromptu day off last week (due to a power cut) and he arrived home with a schoolmate, I was quite relieved that the other boy seemed just as (if not more so) weird so I'm consoling myself that it's normal and he'll grow out of it.
Of course if you were in your 30s when you had the child you're possibly starting to get rumblings of your own hormone problems just as theirs start to rampage. -
Message 7
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Tuesday, 6th December 2011
Oh Pin. I'm sorry to hear things are difficult.
(I won't recommend 'Zits' at the moment as I suspect it'll be hard to see the funny side.)
IIRC, by the time my youngest left secondary school, 2 years ago, all homework given to pupils had also to be posted on the Virtual Learning Platform, which meant it could be accessed from home. This went some way to preventing kids doing the wrong homework. Does the Ableseaman's school have something similar?
If the Dyson was broken by a wilfully reckless action, I think it should have financial consequences for him. He's a bright boy, and he knows the situation.
Best wishes,
Dunlurkin -
Message 8
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
Last night I had the following utterances from little tedlet (aged 13) all within the space of an hour -
- "maths homework is pathetic. Why can't we be like normal families and not do pathetic maths homework". This was accompanied by a flying school bag and a very grumpy face.
-"I can't eat baked potato without cheese. You should know that. It's impossible. I'll be sick if I have to eat it without cheese". This was accompanied by pretend retching and a grumpy face.
-"Can I go and see Twilight with Charlotte on Saturday, and will you give us a lift there and back". This was accompanied by dancing around the kitchen and a dazzling smile.
Sigh. -
Message 9
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
It's evolution making things easier for us parents. It's so that when they leave home at 18ish you'll be relieved rather than crying over your baby leaving you.
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Message 10
Posted by LK (U14717973) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
Oh - I'm glad it's not just us!
Though I was a bit nonplussed by the thought of a subject teacher of a 14 year old approaching a parent at the school gate. -
Message 11
Posted by Lady Trudie Tilney Glorfindel Maldini (U2222312) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
Yes, I was impressed by that!
Haven't got much advice, but your post brought back one of my worst battles with DS, over history homework, at much the same age. He always struggled with written work, and this was an essay on a specific topic, a local Civil War siege (story well know to most of the children). After a lot of support, advice, encouragement, nagging and then shouting, I left him to it and told him it must be finished by the time I got back. On my return 3 hours later there were four words on the page - "After a hard struggle.........". This seemed to sum up the whole experience as much as an opening line for the essay, and I had to laugh. -
Message 12
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
reminds me of a particularly frustrating time on homework with DS - German vocabulary. I was 'trying' to help, and going through it with her, but she didn't appear to be able to 'hear' the sounds, and was making so many mistakes I convinced myself she had a hearing problem, so carted her off to a hearing specialist - who did the tests and sent me away feeling slightly foolish.
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Message 13
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
<< I was a bit nonplussed by the thought of a subject teacher of a 14 year old approaching a parent at the school gate >>
Oh, I had approached the teacher to arrange for the AB to leave a little early the following day (he was doing a radio interview - which he did very well so I am very proud of him and have told him so). It is a very small school and I am a parent governor. Poor kid!
We had a chat that included his father today. Very helpful and so far (2 hours) so good. He volunteered to pay for a replacement part for the vacuum cleaner, though baulked at the price.
Thanks for the support here. It is good to know that other people recognise the situation - that one is not alone and not abnormal. -
Message 14
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Wednesday, 7th December 2011
You are by no means alone, my son only communicated in grunts between the ages of 14 and 16. His little sister wasn't much better, I threatened to take her to the GP because her top lip kept curling up everytime she condescended to answer me, and there was something wrong with her legs too, she couldn't seem to walk with me but would lag behind looking like an extra from a zombie film. Add in pubity and the onset of the menopause and our house was not a comfortable place to be! We have all come through it and quite like each other now.
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Message 15
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
I'm beginning to feel like a really neglectful mother. I hated history at school and gave it up before 'O' Level. Oddly, both my sons loved history and both took 'A' Level, and one is reading for a history degree.
I can honestly say that I never checked their history homework, so I have no idea if they completed it or not!
Sorry to hear about the breakage, though, Pin-O. That's really a bummer when money is tight. Glad that a solution has been found. -
Message 16
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
Welshteddy, you have summed up one of the things that makes it "challenging" for the parents of (Younger? All, at some times) teenagers, this shift from young adult to child, then back again.
It can happen very quickly and without warning, so that you ask a young adult if they would like a cup of tea, then go back with it a few minutes later to find that the person you made it for is now a child. -
Message 17
Posted by Twin-Lions (U3870602) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
Gawd pin o chocolat, mega sympathies. Draining is the word.
The Cub hated GCSEs and it wasn't until he started A levels this term that I really understood or sympathised. He was having to do loads of work in new ways, was surrounded by other kids who seemed either to understand it all or genuinely not to care. He did about five hours' homework the whole year, would answer essay questions with "Yes, I agree." etc, refused to read set texts, dismiss his teachers with disdain.
He got really mixed results, one of each grade plus an extra E.
We came to verbal blows all the time - as parent you try to ease their lot when you can, give them access to your understanding of the world, try and model the type of helpful behaviour you want to nurture, etc, and get salvos of anger and frustration in response.
The friendships in the class were in a state of permanent flux I later realised too which unsettled all the kids, and parents to some extent.
A levels are suiting him much better. I just hadn't accounted for the horror he felt in being examined in so many subjects he had no interest in and felt he had no talent for. Now he'd doing too much homework and I worry about his social life, or lack of it. He seems to be the sort of kid who lives at the extremes.
Sorry not to be more helpful but do keep on going. I'm sure you're doing a really good job - 14 is pretty young (he might not think so). -
Message 18
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
Sigh.
Just had the "you must have something for breakfast", "I don't want any breakfast. I work perfectly well at school without it" row.
Sigh. -
Message 19
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
Not a parent, but an involved aunt. One of my darling nephews suffered from terrible swamping emotional states mostly in the pre-puberty stage -- 10-13. At 17 he is a really delightful person, but then I'm besotted aunt! But I went through that too, but his mother didn't so I understood and could communicate between them.
In his rages, which he didn't really understand & found it difficult to control (oh I understand that) one of the things I /could/ do was take him away to the recycling bins and get him to help me throw the bottles in, making sure we really smashed them. It was wonderfully therapeutic, and a Good Thing to do as well -- helping the household in doing the recycling.
For me, and it looked like for him too, the only way I can explain the rages (or other emotions such as sadness) is the feeling of having a bucket of cold water poured over you suddenly & inexorably. In a small part of your consciousness, you know what's happening, you know it's not desirable or good, but you can't do anything about it. I thought everyone had this experience, but apparently not, and according to my sister, it was helpful to have that image to explain his behaviour. -
Message 20
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Thursday, 8th December 2011
We haven't experienced the throwing and breaking things and I'm not entirely sure how I'd cope with that if it happened, but I do feel sorry for teenagers having to cope with GCSEs and A Levels when the wiring in their brains is in such a mixed up state. I have a child who seemed to mature overnight aged about 12, there's been no tantrums from him, but I had to grow up pretty quickly at the same time and realise that he really does know his own mind and can be trusted to do all sorts of things on his own that I really felt he was too young for. I had to let go much sooner than I was ready to do so.
The second one is still very much younger in attitude, full of fun and very much a child in many ways, but he has started to get snappy sometimes when I ask too many questions. I have had no input with regards to homework for a good few years now with either of them, I just have to trust them to get on with it and so far their results have been very good.
With both I sometimes feel we're talking different languages, they don't seem to *get* what I'm saying a lot of the time. Either that or they really can't be bothered listening, they don't have the time. -
Message 21
Posted by virtual_jan (U13662056) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Nice poster suggestion for his room?
v_j -
Message 22
Posted by Lili Bolero and the band played on (U10534540) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Snork, jan!
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Message 23
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Oh that's fab!
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Message 24
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Friday, 9th December 2011
That is brilliant. Printing a copy as I write.
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Message 25
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Three copies being printed now.
Ha, ha, ha!!! -
Message 26
Posted by virtual_jan (U13662056) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Brill isn't it? A friend sent it to me a couple of years ago and said she nearly convulsed herself laughing at it. I've had a copy stuck on my pinboard at work since then- very good therapy for times of teen stress.
It's the understated "Do it while you still know everything" that I particularly love.
v_j -
Message 27
Posted by LK (U14717973) on Friday, 9th December 2011
I have a feeling that a sight of that poster would be enough to set off a teenage tantrum!
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Message 28
Posted by virtual_jan (U13662056) on Friday, 9th December 2011
Mine never saw it- it was my little secret. He did, however, when he left for university a few weeks ago, leave behind (in a bedroom which looked like it had been napalmed) a leaflet inviting him to take part in "The World's Strictest Parents" I have pinned that one to the fridge - talk about chutzpah!
v_j -
Message 29
Posted by Bubbly (U14667393) on Wednesday, 14th December 2011
Forgot I had this stuck on my 'fridge!
Adolescent needs
Don't spoil me. I know well that I ought not to have all that I ask for. I'm only testing you.
Don't be afraid to be firm with me, I prefer it. It makes me feel more secure.
Don't let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them at early stages.
Don't make me feeler smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly 'big'. Don't correct me in front of people if you can help it. I'll take much more notice if you talk quietly with me in private.
Don't make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values. Don't protect me from consequences. I need to learn the painful way sometimes.
Don't be upset when I say 'I hate you'. It isn't you I hate but your power to thwart me. Don't take much notice of my small ailments. Sometimes they get the attention I need.
Don't nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing to be deaf. Don't forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. That is why I am not always accurate.
Don't make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when promises are broken.
Don't take my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.
Don't be inconsistent. That confuses me and makes me lose faith in you. Don't tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
Don't put me off when I ask questions. If you do, you will find that I stop asking and seek information elsewhere.
Don't ever think it is beneath your dignity to apologise to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you. Don't ever suggest that you are perfect or infallible. It gives me too great a shock when I discover you are neither.
Don't forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult to keep pace with me. But please try. Don't forget I love experimenting. I couldn't get on without it. So please put up with it.
Don't forget that I can't thrive without lots of understanding love. -
Message 30
Posted by LoopyLobes (U14384399) on Thursday, 15th December 2011
That's wonderful.
I wonder if there's a Parent's Needs version. -
Message 31
Posted by montymorency (U3586042) on Friday, 16th December 2011
I think it's about getting the blend of boundaries and support. One can't just go on in a spiral of getting more and more punitive, while an offspring gets ever angrier.
My stepson used to flare up and get terribly angry - and sometimes break things. (I've broken stuff myself when frustrated, though not for many years.)
14 yr old daughter is very articulate - so she's sometimes verbally a bit nasty - but tends to discuss stuff so far.
Is your son's other parent about? If so, what do they think?
Ideally I'd be trying to get some more relaxed time in order to talk about what's going on.
Are they basically happy at school? Do they have friends? How do they feel about the pressure being cranked up re GCSEs? Are there fears about the longer-term future - as there is such doomy news re youth unemployment? Are there things they do well, which they need to be praised for? And what alternative ways can he deal with the times when he feels angry and frustrated?
Worth talking about how things are tight with money - and the real problems it causes if something expensive gets smashed. (In a crisis buy special cheap plates from a discount place for smashing. The noise of broken china is very satisfying as I recall.)
Ìý Friend of Moose, what you suggest is eminently sensible, however:
when I was made redundant from a well paying job three years ago we sat my adult resident stepchildren down, one a graduate who hasn't found a job, still not got one but makes money from selling her 'tragic story' to women's magazines and tabloids, the other an undergraduate who barely deigns to appear at lectures, to explain that things were going to be tight. All we got was accusations that we lying and trying to make them feel bad. -
Message 32
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Saturday, 17th December 2011
The OP talks about a 14 year old child, so FoMs post relates to him - why do you put up with adults living in your house and making "accusations that we were lying and trying to make them feel bad" ?
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Message 33
Posted by welshteddy (U3680635) on Sunday, 18th December 2011
Youngest tedlet, mentioned upthread, came with me to my choir concert last night. She buzzed about sorting out the women's scarves before the concert, helping with the refreshments afterwards, giving out mincepies, collecting music, running errands etc....
Everone said how lovely, delightful, helpful etc... she was. I was very proud of her.....but a tiny part of was thinking "If you could have seen her over the maths homework"!!! -
Message 34
Posted by carrick-bend (U2288869) on Sunday, 18th December 2011
There's an old saying - "Angel abroad, fireside devil", which implies that things have always been the same!
Mind you, a friend once said to me "At least we know that they can be like that", so I think it's lovely that she's been the sort of person that makes you proud, even if she's not always like that. -
Message 35
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Aaarrrgh!!!!!!
That's all really but it comes from the heart of my bottom. -
Message 36
Posted by Dunlurkin NL (U2675855) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Oh dear Pin. Hope it all settles down in time for a harmonious day tomorrow.
This afternoon I had a visit from my cousin and his 13 yr old son. Cousin was talking about son's friends being allowed to play computer games that have an 18 cert. Cousin refuses to allow his son to play things like Call of duty. It reminded me of your questions some time ago. I think cousin was pleased that I was backing him up, talking of other friends who had been as adamant. That was mainly you!
Dunlurkin -
Message 37
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Can I creep in here and have a bit of a moan? It is Christmas Eve, and DS has stayed in his bedroom for the /entire/ day, bar 10 mnts downstairs to get some food. I tried to show him the fun on google, but he was already half-way back up the stairs and not interested. Meanwhile, I spent 2 hours + this morning preparing what I could for tomorrow's dinner, then did some cleaning, washing, shopping for tonight's meal. Well, I hope things get better this evening, as 'family Christmas it is /not/ at the moment
Still, had enjoyable evening out the other night, and until today, he was being relatively sociable (though still mainly ensconced in bedroom). He is 2 years past adolescence, too. I am feeling a bit sad about it. -
Message 38
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Hello, DunL, lovely to see you.
Funny you should mention that. It was my refusal to allow purchase of that very game that kicked it off this morning. The thing is, a few months ago, I did allow and 18. I had researched it and found out what it was that caused the 18 cert, felt that it was not something that was of concern, and agreed to it. I warned then that this was not to be considered an agreement to allow any others.
Funny how that agreement was forgotten today.
He's been in bed all afternoon: won't get wood in, walk the dog or anything. But he has, when asked insisted that he wants a full Christmas with all the trimmings - just as long as I do all the work it seems. I am so tempted to just leave it all and not bother. -
Message 39
Posted by Pin o Chocolat (U2372386) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Oh dear Bette - I am you and you are me and he is he and we are all together.
I wouldn't wish mine on anyone else at the moment, except that anyone else wouldn't get what I am getting, I think. -
Message 40
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
I feel like I am the other side of Christmas now, as we had a family get together yesterday.
Although being a step-parent has had - and continues to have - its ups and downs - it means that on many years the major celebration has been either before the 25th or after.
Yesterday we had a suprisingly harmonious day and my stepchildren - both in their earlyish twenties - were sociable and helpful.
Today my teenage daugher was talking about what we'd do tomorrow with some of her mates - in quite a matter of fact way - and one of her friends has invited her over to their place for a traditional turkey lunch. She asked if she could go, saying she felt we'd had our family Christmas together, and I said that was fine. We'll open those gifts that we didn't open yesterday, in the morning.
She's also gone to a Christmas service tonight with some friends. I feel quite happy to let her go really. There'll be time for us to catch up later in the holidays. -
Message 41
Posted by Bette (U2222559) on Saturday, 24th December 2011
Oh dear. Thinking of you. Reminds me of several not-terribly harmonious Christmases when they were in their teens.
Well, everything OK here now. I was becoming increasingly upset , but that spilled out after supper and DS cottoned on that he had been rather too antisocial (+ DD and dog both missing this year), and we've had a big hug(s) and made mince-pies together, and now we are all off to watch 'Merlin' - so things are looking good for the rest of Christmas. -
Message 42
Posted by English Rose (U14229558) on Wednesday, 28th December 2011
Hello all. My sympathies to those with unruly teenagers. I'm happily child free but from an outsider's point of view can see how teenagers can be difficult to live with, especially for themeslves (does that make sense?).
I hope it's ok for me to post on here. I don't have a teenage "tantrum" issue as such. In fact it's sort of the opposite. I met my partner's children (aged 13 and 10) a few months ago and things appeared to be ok. His 10 year old daughter seemed to accept me straightaway. His son was a little more wary but that was only for the 1st couple of times I saw them. So, now I have the problem that although he appears to get on with me, and happily chats to me about his favourite music etc, in other ways he seems to be trying to make it clear that he doesn't really want me around. As my partner is just ignoring the issue and I don't feel it's my place to talk to his son about it directly, I'm not sure whether I'm being oversensitive or whether his son is fine with me as a person, but not fine with me as his dad's partner. Any advice from parents or step-parents would be gratefully received.
Oh .. and I love that poster!! I saw it on a birthday card a while ago and nearly bought it for my partner to give to his son. Probably a good thing I didn't!
ER x -
Message 43
Posted by Rwth of the Cornovii (U2570790) on Wednesday, 28th December 2011
Though I was a bit nonplussed by the thought of a subject teacher of a 14 year old approaching a parent at the school gate.Ìý
My mother was approached, can't remember now if it was a phone call saying I had cried off the History Trip when she knew I wanted to go. Mother said she knew nothing about it. True, I hadn't told her because I thought it was a bit too expensive. It wasn't too expensive and I went. I just hadn't wanted to ask for the money. However, I was dreadful about copying homework down correctly, so did it rather badly. Being a girl, I didn't get too grumpy about my mother ringing parents of girls in my class for more information. Parents relying on the parental mafia was one of those things I couldn't take responsibility for.
I remember thinking that regardless of raging hormones, it is happening for the teenagers for the first time, so parents need to remember that. Over 18 films, and games are off limits if parents say so. They have to say if the content is OK on a one-off. Sitting in the room is something they all want to do sometimes. If you want them downstairs at Christmas dinner, just say so, and then they can go back up afterwards. Even if you have to say it's compulsory table manners training. Some things are compulsory, like homework and school. Good manners at table is another. Don't bother to say why, unless they ask later in a reasonable manner. Likewise, mixing with mates is conditional on behaviour and convenience. Well, maybe behaviour anyway. You need a chair and a whip. Emotions are no use when dealing with teenagers. Except when their hearts are broken. -
Message 44
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Thursday, 5th January 2012
Hello all. My sympathies to those with unruly teenagers. I'm happily child free but from an outsider's point of view can see how teenagers can be difficult to live with, especially for themeslves (does that make sense?).
I hope it's ok for me to post on here. I don't have a teenage "tantrum" issue as such. In fact it's sort of the opposite. I met my partner's children (aged 13 and 10) a few months ago and things appeared to be ok. His 10 year old daughter seemed to accept me straightaway. His son was a little more wary but that was only for the 1st couple of times I saw them. So, now I have the problem that although he appears to get on with me, and happily chats to me about his favourite music etc, in other ways he seems to be trying to make it clear that he doesn't really want me around. As my partner is just ignoring the issue and I don't feel it's my place to talk to his son about it directly, I'm not sure whether I'm being oversensitive or whether his son is fine with me as a person, but not fine with me as his dad's partner. Any advice from parents or step-parents would be gratefully received.
Oh .. and I love that poster!! I saw it on a birthday card a while ago and nearly bought it for my partner to give to his son. Probably a good thing I didn't!
ER xÌý Hi, I'm a step-parent.
I imagine that early teens is quite a difficult time to get used to changes, having a step-parent etc - as there are so many other changes going on. At that age children are often pretty 'mixed up' in the way they react towards their biological parents.
If some of your friends have teenagers it might be worth checking out what they feel about your stepson's behaviour. It might be that your partner has a very strong investment in the idea that everything is being fine.
I think with children - biological or otherwise - it is very important to hang on to the fact that one is the adult in this situation.
In your shoes I would
a) try to be consistently friendly and calm towards your stepson, which will - ultimately - help him to feel more secure with you
but
b) also try and give stepson some space to be with their parent, rather than always being around
and
c) give partner specific examples of behaviour that you find confusing, and say that as he know his son better than you do, that you are very reliant on his insights and his support as you get used to getting to know his children. -
Message 45
Posted by Bearhug (U2258283) on Thursday, 5th January 2012
in other ways he seems to be trying to make it clear that he doesn't really want me around.Ìý
Hmm, a thirteen year old boy doesn't want a woman old enough to be his parent around?
He may just be being a perfectly normal 13 year old.
You probably need to find out how he is with other adults (none of whom will be in the same position you are in, so the relationships will be different in any case.) It's not helpful if your partner is just ignoring you, as that makes it difficult to tell if you're being over-sensitive, or he really doesn't want you around (at least as his father's partner.) I think you need to continue chatting to him and sort of go with the flow. It may pass - if it seems to get worse and more pointed and noticeable, maybe it is time to say something.
It may also be related to your partner's previous history - are you the first they've been introduced to after he split from their mother? That's a reason to be wary in itself, as it's entirely new territory. If you're not the first - well, the boy may not want to get too attached to someone who won't be around long-term, to protect himself, if he did get on with women from earlier relationships, where he had no control over ending the relationship.
He may not be entirely aware of how he's appearing to you - after all, even as adults, we're not always fully conscious of body-language, tone of voice and so on, and 13 can be confusing enough in any circumstances. He could be aware he likes you or feels antagonism, but he may not be able to work out why he does, and if you've got confused and conflicting emotions like that, it's a human response to withdraw from it all to some extent.
Obviously I could be totally off-track, not knowing any of you (and being neither parent nor step-parent), but were it me in that situation, I think I'd try and just give it time for now. (But yeah, I would be madly analysing every possible nuance of everything he does, and probably getting it totally wrong, because that's the way I am - and that way, you end up unable to see the wood from the trees, and can't get any perspective on things.) -
Message 46
Posted by English Rose (U14229558) on Thursday, 12th January 2012
Thank you Bearhug and Friend of Moose. Sorry for the delay in responding. Just started a new job and been barely awake in the evenings since the New Year. I try to give my partner and his children time to themselves and make sure I'm not always here when the children are. I'm also doing my best to be consistent around the children, tho other tensions with my partner make that difficult sometimes. I think he's probably just being a typical teenager. His behaviour may also be down to the fact my partner's last girlfriend (who he lived with for 18 months) cheated on my partner and left him for someone else, which I imagine was very upsetting for the children as they'd grown used to being with her and her children.
-
Message 47
Posted by Friend of Moose (U14307683) on Saturday, 14th January 2012
Good luck English Rose.
You're sounding pretty clear-sighted about it all....
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