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Coping with Christmas
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Message 1.Â
Posted by aminam (U2277964) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Um. I'm not. I want to go to bed until April.
We haven't got that much of a social time lined up but I'm starting to dread invitations. I managed a work do on Friday and that was fine because my colleagues are lovely and no-one really mentioned the C word ... but as things gather momentum into the festive season I'm feeling more and more keen to avoid the whole shebang. My SAD has been particularly acute this year; it has been a tough 12 months for all sorts of reasons; and I'm just stressed and anxious about damn-near everything.
Normally I'm pretty good with the coping strategies. This year I'm not. I'm fortunate in that I don't really have any serious obligations and o/h is just as ambivalent about the whole thing as I am - but somehow I feel guilty if I don't make at least SOME effort.
Any ideas? We can't really afford to scarper for a week, which is what I'd most like to do.
Am x -
Message 2
Posted by Jane (U1484860) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Hi Am
Sorry no ideas just a feeling of empathy.
This year has been tough and the one thing I want is something no-one can give me - good health - and I don't have the energy or inclination to do any of the Christmas stuff.
So I think I'm going to just opt out and hope that people understand.
I've just had delivery of a huge pile of books and will indulge with them over the holiday.
Will spend the key days with family but as Dad is recovering from major surgery it will be quiet there too.
You don't have to conform, just find a path through it that will work for you. Some compromise is inevitable but be kind to yourself.
Jane -
Message 3
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Develop a "tummy bug" for the key parties. Tummy bugs are useful because they can recur and no one wants someone with a tummy bug where there's food, especially if you ruminate a bit on how you caught it and how you hope you haven't passed it on to many people.
Also have some clashing engagements. "Sorry, I've got to see Aunt Rebecca."
Perhaps an old friend of yours that no one has heard of but that you were very fond of has just died so it doesn't seem appropriate to go over the top with decorations? Or they've just had a breakdown and you want to be there for them on the phone so don't want to go out.
Maybe you could acquire a small number of "tasteful" decorations and suggest you're going for the minimalist effect.
Or you're the great bastion of the fightback against the commercialisation of the holiday season?
Could you acquire some religious/humanist passion that requires activities/inactivity that precludes you from attending parties/decorating the house /buying lots of presents? Your religious commitments have been realigned according to the latest research into the phases of the moon and sun. You wish to enter into a period of contemplation to rediscover your true self and the meaning of life/the universe/God/love.
As for the actual holidays, do whatever you and your OH want. If you can't face winter, have some summer activities. Buy some extra-bright lightbulbs, send off for some summer film dvds and make love on the...well, anywhere really so long as the neighbours don't get to watch. -
Message 4
Posted by Retired-Rural-Person (U8479978) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Dear Am, so sorry you feel like this, I have done very often. I particularly hate being inveigled into going to Christmas festivities that end up giving me a chest infection.
I cancelled/postponed Christmas last year for health reasons, and apart from the sons, who were part of the postponed bit, I am not convinced many people noticed. They said kind things but my/our absence did not ruin their parties.
Stock up on loved DVDs and music, think about a SAD lamp (I find it helped in the past) if finances are tough, look on your local Freegle for one.
And Sunny has some good ideas there... -
Message 5
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
The guilt thing, awful isn't it?
Can you sort of de-couple yourself from at least someof the Christmas convetions somehow? Can you identify the ones that you really dread? If you haven;t done so natch.
I have found that if one can unravel the guilt somehow, and get a few close, trusted and loved ones to really understand how you feel it can ease it all. If you can get away from at least some of it without the guilt you can have a more lasting solution, rather than staggering from year to year employing coping strategies to better or lesser effect as life ebbs and flows and dreading it all in different measures each time.
I suppose what I am saying is find your bottom line and try to find a way to have a little more on your terms without the guilt. What you enjoy, rather than what convention dictates you should enjoy. In this context that is, which doesn't necessarily relate to other ones, it is bluddy Christmas! But it's not easy and a bit of dissembling, as advised above may be needed if you think you are going to cause upset and cannot be honest with everyone.
I an stabbing away in the dark here, I can only really relate to my own experiences and it's quite likely that none of it correlates with your life at all! So ignore away at will, no probs. -
Message 6
Posted by Babs (U12089863) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Ams, I'll pass on what my lovely counsellor said to me yonks ago. "There are no shoulds and oughts". If you don't want to go to something, then don't. But my advice, for what little it's worth, is just to smile nicely at the inviter and say, "I'm sorry, but we've already got arrangements for that evening". No further explanation needed.
Apart from staying in bed until April - and I can't fault you for that idea! - what would you and OH REALLY like to do instead? Within your resources, I mean?
Give that some consideration, then do it.
It may appear like it, but honestly, Christmas isn't an obligation, and there's no law that says you have to endure a day doing something you don't like. Take the pressure off yourself.
I can promise you this - once you do, you'll have a great Christmas, because it's the one you wanted.
B
xx -
Message 7
Posted by savannahlady (U2362903) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
I'm really sorry Am. I have never had a Christmas where there were just the two of us or just me - product of large family and mother who dinned into us the importance of Christmas and of the family being together - all of which we have carried on with our own offspring and they with their children. Sometimes I think it would be nice not to have to do all the shopping, cooking and entertaining that we have done for so many, many years. A chilled out couple of days with some good books, nice wine, simple food, pleasant walks sounds so terribly appealing. But I cannot imagine I shall ever have that, so I envy you having the choice in a way. You and your OH could choose to do as Sunny suggests or you could go to the first one, put on your best social face, smile and laugh with everyone and see if you feel better about it afterwards and if not, have a timely stomach bug that 'hangs around" for the rest and just stay home.
The only thing I'd be aware of is that if you feel bad now, you /might/ feel worse after Christmas if "you've not done anything but stay home". I could be wrong of course. I don't know you and I am only saying how I might feel.
Just do what makes you happy and think about those of us slaving over cookers for days - preparing and clearing meals endlessly - SFX of Savvie sawing away on violin....
If it helps in any way (which it probably doesn't) I think this year has been a totally ess aitch wye tea one for a lot of people in many ways. It certainly has for us as a family.
All the best Am and I do hope that you can find a way to get through this time of the year with some calm and equanimity.
Love
Savvie -
Message 8
Posted by Bernard Hinault (U10655887) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
I've come to the conclusion I can't stand Christmas. I think it's a combination of "in-yer-face" socialising, even if you don't have much of a social life yourself, being expected to behave in a certain way for weeks on end, and all the ridiculous chores such as card writing when I'd rather just spend as much time in bed as possible. When you add buying presents for people when you're not really sure what they want it all just morphs into a massive festival of embarassing incidents.
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Message 9
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Hi Am. I don't think there are any "shoulds" really (agree with Babs) and I'm viewing it mainly as some time off.
My children (in their twenties) are both coming on Christmas Eve and spending an as yet undecided few days with me but we none of us want to make a big fuss about it as we none of us much like Christmas these days. I will actually have a tree for the first time in several years if I can work out how to put it up (it's artifical - I've done things which won't stand up, shed needles everywhere and are a nuisance to get rid off) but I'm not at all sure what we are going to eat - I moved into my house back at Easter time and acquired a cooker with six hobs, a large oven and a small oven and so far I think I've only used two of the hobs and the small oven - so it's probably an opportunity to turn the large oven on. I can't quite be bothered at the moment to get my head round what to do for three people, one of whom is a vegetarian - and the other "child" doesn't like chocolate so can't justify having lots of that around. There will be small stocking presents and one of them wants a kindle and the other wants speakers for his netbook so I think we will be sleeping, reading, playing on the computer, watching the television and going for walks rather than anything very celebratory.
Anyway, what that ramble is meant to say is that if you decide just to treat it as pretty much another weekend, you won't be the only one. -
Message 10
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
I spent years running aorund being the one that made Christmas happen, I don't think I ate a Christmas dinner for years without getting indigestion.
Then I flipped. I probably handled it realy badly, should never have let it get to that point but I don't think I realised how unhappy it was all making me until it hit me one year like a sledgehammer.
It did not make me popular! There were a few years of some guilt tripping and people feeling a bit nervous about me, but I found it massively liberating to have finally given myself permission to say how much I loathed it all.
To their credit, the ones with whom I was not popular , tho shocked and annoyed by me, did start to take over the things I dreaded, much to my devout thanfulness. And tbh, if I hadn't flipped they might well not have taken my unhappiness seriously.
Now we have re-made it, this year, 6 years since Flip Out, I find myself quite excited. It is all much calmer, much smaller and if they all want a tree they go out and get one, and I don't feel guilty if I slob about while they all decorate it. No big shopping trips, no fretting, and I am loving the Christmas lights up in town because I can just enjoy what they look like.
We have much less money this year, plus a health scare, so the things that I am looking forward too are nothing to do with the pressures of spending money and getting the presents right for the ridiculous number of family members who still have to keep at it, tho heaven knows we have all got enuff stuff! They will have to lump it, but I really don't think it is a big deal really, there is just family mythology perpetuated by one or two people about the Right Way to Do Christmas, I think the rest of us are ready to let go.
We will get our beloved tree decorations out, have the fairy lights up, eat well but not over the top,sing, talk the chair legs off and enjoy being with each other. And I refuse to get on that treadmill ever again. -
Message 11
Posted by Sunny Clouds (U14258963) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
I can remember years when I went round to my parents for lunch and then spent the rest of the day hiding at home because I simply couldn't cope with Christmas. The rest of the world didn't seem to mind. I can remember a couple of years when I didn't get round to sending my cards until after Christmas. No one wrote/phoned/emailed/bumped into me in the street and said "how dare you not send my Christmas card until New Year".
Family and friends will go with it and work colleagues and neighbours can be fobbed off with excuses if they don't fall into the friend category. -
Message 12
Posted by La Min gibbon swinging strumpet draped in black (U12534030) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Yes indeed Sunny, the world keeps turning regardless.
We never had a turkey tho, avoided that piece of Proper Christmas, and Sprogette will forever be teasing me for buying a microwave off t'internet on a Christmas day in the wilderness years....
Anyhoo, I digress. All I can truly recommend is, if one is really unhappy, try and do something about it before one flips out. -
Message 13
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
< We can't really afford to scarper for a week, which is what I'd most like to do. >
If you said you were going away for the week would anyone be any the wiser? Get supplies in, either unplug or turn off the volume on the phone and holiday at home in solitude. -
Message 14
Posted by GuzziNut (U6364582) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
I am usually heck bent on avoiding the whole thing. I'm no good at it, at all, I'd rather hibernate, sort of know how you feel Am, but minus the sad part
usually, the Bloke and I do the avoidance thing by fleeing the country, this year we are collectively skint, so staying put
Yikes, I have the ma hassling me already about when she can see us, it's like being savaged by a sheep, I'm playing phone tag
I thought we had pals coming to visit, but other obligations have trumped that for them, still, I'm not owning up and Bloke and I are quietly plotting stuff.
I have three do things in the space of five days too, I only want to go to one
So, no ideas, apart from I've told various people who are in the same boat as us, we are around and I'm calling it the bah humbug party, want to join us?
Don't feel guilty, if you don't want to get involved, plead the headaches -
Message 15
Posted by Alsdouble (U524298) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
Oh dear, should I speak or remain silent. Let's face it I've tried on here and I've had better results with concrete blocks.
Replace Christmas with 'life.'
If the light boxes don't work at least see they dont work and then move forward.
Nothing is new. And everything passes.
Relax.......And if you don't know how to relax find someone who will show you. How to relax in the nightmare of reality.
(Sits back and wonders if one should have pressed Post message.) -
Message 16
Posted by aminam (U2277964) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
als my friend of course you should have pressed 'post message'. The possibility that I may not agree isn't any reason for you not to say it. Ever.
"relax". Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho ho.
Actually this year - for all manner of reasons - has been a light-box-free zone. I suspect that may be part of - just part of - the problem. I am very, very down and the prospect of having to take part in festivities is really troubling me. Yet by the same token I agree with savvie that it may not be the best solution just to shut everything down and go to bed.
Have more or less decided to invite folks over on Christmas eve for drinks and stuff. Just a few of us. That means then I'll feel as though I've "seen people" and can then take the following few days - esp those very precious days between Christmas and the New Year - very easy indeed.
The reasons for my dis-ease at this time of year are many and complicated. I think I'm reasonably self-aware and know why it happens, but just because I know why doesn't mean I'm able to stop it.
I'm also trying not to indulge myself too much because it's all to easy just to get too low to function.
Am x -
Message 17
Posted by Fee (U3534148) on Sunday, 11th December 2011
>Actually this year - for all manner of reasons - has been a light-box-free zone. I suspect that may be part of - just part of - the problem<
Is there any chance of resurrecting the light-boxes? They do seem to make such a difference to quite a lot of people. I can understand that - we had a very sunny day here yesterday and I spent most of it outside and it makes such a difference to mood and motivation. -
Message 18
Posted by Redbookish (U1335018) on Monday, 12th December 2011
If you said you were going away for the week would anyone be any the wiser? Get supplies in, either unplug or turn off the volume on the phone and holiday at home in solitude.Â
DKB, snap! I was going to say this too!
Am, I'm really sorry you feel like this. Your "voice" on this MB is so warm and reassuring -- I always feel embraced by your posts, so I'm sorry you are not feeling at ease and with grace.
I remember one Christmas when I nearly gave in and just stayed under my duvet for 3 days.
The night before I was due to fly to the bosom of my family, my house had been burgled as I slept upstairs & my travelling bag taken with my passport in it (and my Filofax, purse with credit cards and everything!). I had to get new passport photos taken after only 3 hours sleep, and then dash over to Liverpool & cry hard enough at the nasty Passport lady to get an emergency passport -- and I had a police crime number & everything. The police were great, but I almost didn't make Christmas. In the end I flew on the next morning -- Christmas Eve -- at an horrendously high price for an hour's flight. I'm glad I did in the end, if only to reassure my nephew about the "nasty robbers" in my house, but in the middle of running around to replace passport & credit cards and generally dealing with the thought some scumbag had been in my house as I was asleep (I slept with a hammer under my pillow for 6 months after that), I could have just retreated to bed for a few days.
So just tell each side of the family, you're going to the other side, and hibernate. Watch old movies (I just saw the stage version of "You Can't Take it With You" at the Manc Royal Exchange -- wonderful!) and sleep & rest.
Take care. -
Message 19
Posted by Schez (U2212013) on Monday, 12th December 2011
Am I'm sorry to hear that you feel like this, and this year, as others have said, has been a really rotten one, maybe you too are drained and just need the time off. These dark gloomy short days don't help. I've never been aware of a SAD problem before but these days I hate it when it's so dark that I can barely see around my house without lights.
I think the idea of pretending to be away even if you are not, is just the thing. If your OH wants to accept an invitation and you don't, I'm sure he will understand, don't waste that time feeling guilty!
Isn't it strange, for me Christmas has so often been spent totally alone, unless I made an effort to entertain and actually found people who were not busy the whole ten days - and I can't think of anything nicer than a string of invitations! But maybe if it happened all the time I'd get fed up.
Shoulds and oughts are not good for you, as als says, take it easy! -
Message 20
Posted by DeeKay Bee - Disenfranchised (U236881) on Monday, 12th December 2011
I'm a bit disappointed that it doesn't sound as if Am will be trying the bustard recipe I dug out for him, and presumably no mustard custard either. I imagine that bustard would take a while to source, so probably too late for this year, and I'm not sure that garden warblers, ortolans and larks are readily available at the local supermarket (though they may be where Am is, I suppose).
Am, I noticed on a SAD light website that they recommend changing the bulbs every 2 to 3 years, if yours are older I wonder if that could be part of the problem? -
Message 21
Posted by aminam (U2277964) on Monday, 12th December 2011
The lightbox thing ... in years gone by I have used it quite assiduously (and yes I do change the bulbs every few years) and get into a rhythm with it. It does help my mood, definitely. This year, for various reasons, some of them legitimate and some of them stupid, I've never got into the rhythm and have barely used it. This may - only may - explain my current state. I'm afraid it's been such a weird and difficult year that presence or absence of lightbox probably doesn't make much of a difference.
The escape thing. We don't need to escape. We just need to stay here and lie low. It can be done. I just feel as though whatever we do, I'm going to feel guilty and conflicted about it.
Gonna stop moaning now. It's not helpful to me and it's not helpful to you either! But I'm grateful for your concern and your suggestions.
Am x -
Message 22
Posted by Babs (U12089863) on Monday, 12th December 2011
Ams, you're not moaning, you're human. I realised not so long ago that after depression, life difficulties, more depression, bereavement, yet more depression, that I can only deal with what I can deal with. Anything else has to go hang, and that's that.
The good thing with lying low is, you can always change your mind halfway through. If you want to. As to the guilt....sod it. Put yourself and your partner first, that's all that matters. Honestly. And that's from a lifelong people pleaser.
Enjoy your holiday, whatever you choose to do.
Bx -
Message 23
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Monday, 12th December 2011
Am, sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time. I know someone who suffers from SAD and it has a profound effect on her. She gets massive vitamin shots from the doctor. D or B? Can't remember.
FWIW, I'm home alone this Christmas. OH always goes back to Ireland to see his elderly mum for a week and because the situation there isn't easy, and because we have dogs, I stay home. My own family are 250 miles away and busy doing their own things. I have sometimes stayed with them, but it's not easy. Unfortunately my sister doesn't have the knack of making visitors feel particularly welcome and I usually end up feeling like a bit of a nuisance. Much better to stay home.
I get dozens of sympathy invitations when people hear I'm on my own. The first year I was on my tod I dutifully went out to Christmas lunch with a family with loads of small children who couldn't bear to think of me on my own. I think we did manage to have something to eat inbetween children being sick, having to go to the loo and having fights. I spent the afternoon washing up alone in the kitchen. And as for those 'do drop in for a drink' invitations, I always seem to arrive in the middle of a blazing row or (worse) a seasonal smooch on the sofa. Nothing worse than being forced to drink a glass of wine and make smalltalk while they glower or eye up each other!
I now tell full-fat porkies to most people who invite me for a drink/meal and say I'm booked. I take the dogs on long walks, eat curry for Christmas dinner, read books and watch rubbish on iplayer. I write letters to people and think about what I want in the coming year. I have a few friends round and visit a few trusted pals, but it's minimal. There's something about this time of year that is best-suited to curling up in front of the woodburner with a dog and a book. There are moments of panic when I realise quite how anti-social I am and so out of sync with much of the world, but it's actually so much better than the alternative. -
Message 24
Posted by Lynnie P (U3585914) on Monday, 12th December 2011
Just want to send hugs to my dear Aminam and so sorry you are so low. And to all other ML friends who feel the same.
I am up to my ears in Christmas present buying and card sending but I don't have too many obligations - just my nice family to see on Christmas day and fitting in with my in-laws arrangements whatever they are. I used to feel very guilty we didn't do more entertaining and visiting but I see those I want to see and who want to see me and if my husband's family (who to be fair are very busy and work many shifts between them) can't fit us in and we can't fit in with them then so be it. I worried about this for years and then decided it was not my responsibility and felt a lot better.
I used to try to recreate my mother's wonderful all-encompassing Mother Christmas Christmasses with food falling out of every cupboard and presents piled under the tree. Can't be done now - not enough cash and not enough family left. I do the bits I love and fulfil those obligations I can but I work right up to Christmas and start again just after Boxing Day so that lets me out of a lot!
LynnieP x -
Message 25
Posted by Morganish (U9108847) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
How are things today, Am? Hope you're feeling a little better.
-
Message 26
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
Oh Am - I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I always loved Christmas then I had a series of things over the years that took away the joy. My first husband left me with three small children one Christmas (2 days before and just disappeared having had a nervous breakdown); the following year my dad died just before Christmas and then 5 years later my mum died even closer to the day. I've been through Christmases where I'd rather not have bothered but what has always convinced me to make an effort is that it rather seems to bring out something of the best in a lot of people.
This morning in the supermarket the guy who does the trolleys and is always lovely and chatty came up and wished me a merry christmas and after a moments hesitation gave me a huge hug. I know he's single and lives alone and only does the job because it gets him out and with people so I was quite happy to give him a hug back - as were several other shoppers (the chaps were doing that man hug thing with the pat on the back).
Also I spot random acts of kindness being done because people just feel a bit more in tune with their fellow man - people having shopping carried for them, pushchairs and prams being lifted on escalators or off trains etc.
Why not think about doing a random act of kindness every day between now and the 25th. It won't change Christmas but it'll make you feel all nice and warm inside and you'll make a difference to 12 other people's lives......
and please don't try telling me Father Christmas isn't real...... -
Message 27
Posted by Zaf (U14933397) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
I dont 'do' Christmas at all and have hated it since my late teens for various reasons, I simply ignore it as best as I can and if I possibly could I'd hire an isolated cottage to escape the retail hype and pressure to conform.
I too suffer from SAD but it doesnt really kick in badly till the new year so thats not the reason I belong to the 'bah humbug' brigade.
I've used a light lamp, but now a daylight clock and I think I getter better results from the clock than the lamp -
Message 28
Posted by aminam (U2277964) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
Y'see normally I am up for random acts of kindness. Normally. But this year I'm kinda outa kindness. Not that I'm being UNkind - just ... I am so tired that I seem to have lost the impetus to be nice, to be good, to be kind. This is, in truth, the thing that's concerning me. It's just Not Like Me to be like this.
It will get better, I'm sure of it. But I seem to have got unplugged from the socket somehow.
I don't even really feel I can justify how I'm feeling. That's probably the worst part. Bad things haven't happened to me at this time of the year. I'm not part of a difficult family situation or anything like that. It's true that it HAS been a really tough year workwise and illness-wise and stress-wise, but then it has been like that for countless other folks too. Dunno.
Like I say, I need to stop being gloomy. It's not doing me any good.
Am x -
Message 29
Posted by aminam (U2277964) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
Uh. Just did a random act of kindness. Feel better for it.
Am x -
Message 30
Posted by GEm (U4356909) on Tuesday, 13th December 2011
See - if you do it consciously then you'll feel better and soon be back to yourself where it comes naturally. Doing stuff for other people always makes me feel good - even if there's only me & them know about it!
Keep on and you'll soon be smiling again
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